Rando Notes March 2008

It’s been over 6 months since I bought my laptop. I love it. And believe it or not, this is the first time I’ll be posting from it. I don’t know why I haven’t done this before. I guess it helped me concentrate when I was writing up on my desktop in my office.

Along with another first, I am watching opening day for the Seattle Mariners as I type this. We are in the top of the 6^th – Bedard made it through 5 innings but had a pretty high pitch count. He gave up 1 home run and we’re currently down 1 to nothing. I was telling the wife this weekend that I planned on watching at least 162 full games this year. Which equates to about 30 full days of watching baseball.

They’re all in HD so I figure, why not. Plus the “experts” predicted that the M’s will end the season atop our division – which is perennially strong. We’ve finally got the pitching.

In about the 3^rd inning I was already starting to fall asleep. Had to have a sugar injection to keep me going. A brownie, part of a doughnut and a glass of milk later – here I am. I’m glad to be here instead of at the game – it’s about 30 degrees and snowing out in Seattle right now. At the end of freaking March. Unbelievable. I’m going to remember this – we got about 4 inches of snow on Saturday night which was the 29^th.

I really need a laptop desk. Right now I’m using one of our couch’s throw pillows. It really heats up the laptop. And the only reason I’m using the pillow is because I’ve heard the heat from the laptop can really kill your soldiers. And since we haven’t pumped out any children yet – I figure it’s best to protect them as much as possible.

My ears have been pretty itchy lately. I’m not sure what’s going on. I think it’s allergies. Suck. I need to go see an ENT doc to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to go before our trip to Europe because the pain in my ear is excruciating when we fly. To describe the pain in my ear when I fly (from the pressure – apologize if I’ve done this before) it’s almost as if someone is taking a nail, and jamming it down my ear. But not down my ear like a q-tip, but down my ear like towards the sides of my neck. Scrapping all of the sides of my ear on the way down.

Just the thought of that pain makes me cringe.

Sweet the Mariner’s just scored. Tie ball game. Only 161 games to go. Heh.

And to top it all off – I also signed up for a fantasy baseball league. Basically my life is over. I’ve never paid that close of attention before, but now that I’ve got players on my team, and I’ve got pride and money on the line, I’ve got to pay a lot more attention than just catching a game every now and then.

Speaking of sports – and another oddity – for the big dance this year all 4 number 1 seeds made it to the final four. Davidson made a solid run at it but sputtered in the elite 8. Still a solid showing. UNC, Kansas, Memphis and UCLA. All very strong teams. Should be a good final 4.

Today was excruciatingly boring at work. Literally I was looking at my monitor and in pain over how bored I was. Even the thing I have loved doing lately – and that’s trading – was a bit boring. I even had a swing of almost $1500 today. What’s wrong with me?

How can I seriously think that I want to do this full time, when I’m bored of doing it just part time? *sigh*

There’s a website I just joined – it’s like marketocracy.com but with less requirements on how you invest and better geared towards the facebook type crowd. It’s called updown.com. They give you a million dollars to invest and you “compete” against other people on the boards and share investing ideas. After almost a week of using a million dollars to invest I have made $40K. And that’s just buying and shorting stocks. Not playing options like I actually do. This is what I want to do. I want to put together a million dollars to trade. In my opinion it would be pretty easy for me to make a solid yearly return. So if anyone reading this knows someone who might be willing to invest with me, please contact me. If there’s something that interests me – it’s making returns not only for myself, but possibly for others. I want to start a fund!

It’s tough waiting for summer. Something about the weather has been pissing me off lately. Today was a perfect example of it. The whole day – from the time I can see the sky around 7:30 am all the way up until about 2 pm or later – it’s clear out, and dry. But somehow, God (or the people who control the weather and hate me) decide to move the clouds in and start dumping on us. And normally it wouldn’t be that big of a deal – but I like to take the dog out for her daily walk. It’s as much of a walk for her as it is for me. I get to calm down a little bit from my day at work – and I can set my mind at ease since my dog has done her duty and will be good for the next few hours.

And I know; this doesn’t happen every day. And I know that it’s still basically winter. But still, when I see a pattern develop – or when I’m on the way home and the raindrops start falling on my windshield – I get so pissed off. Seriously, it couldn’t rain a drop while I was at work? But as soon as I leave or I’m on my way home it starts coming down? Terrible.

During our walk today, I was thinking about my self-worth. I was thinking about how much more I could be contributing to a company. How my own perception of my abilities and talents were currently being wasted in the position I was working in. And how the other side of me really didn’t care. I’m in a position where I am now considered a veteran – where major overhauls and changes aren’t always coming down the pipeline – where I can leave every day and know that I don’t have to bring any work home with me…it’s safe. And it’s easy. But could, or should I be doing more with myself? Should I be challenging myself or be putting myself in more stressful positions to prove at the least to myself – my own self-worth?

That’s too deep of thinking for me right now. It being almost the 7^th inning stretch now.

This past weekend I helped to build my very first fence. It’s about halfway done and I’m pretty proud of the work we’ve done so far – especially with what we did in the freezing hail. It’s looking like we’ll be staying in this house for some time. So as long as our raises continue to beat inflation and we stay healthy we should be just dandy.

I keep seeing all of these advertisements for mobile internet from Qwest, AT&T, Verizon, etc. I really want that for some reason. I know that there’s free wi-fi almost anywhere I go now. But just seeing these guys out on the beach and doing work looks so awesome to me. I want to be that guy with his toes in the sand and watching the waves roll in.

I better stop writing…the laptop is starting to get nice and toasty. I apologize the post was somewhat boring – but that’s my life right now. And really, I don’t mind it at all.

The Bear Stearns Diet

And if you’re not sure what that means, just take a look at the following chart.

OMGsh

I think March is going to be “short post month”.

Today, the streak of terrible eating (diet) stopped for me. Finally.

I don’t know what it was. I had enough time to cook. I always have my parent’s house that I can swing by and eat something somewhat healthy. I always have the option to eat something healthy when I go out. But I just never did. From Wednesday the 12^th of March to yesterday, the 16^th, I ate some of the most terrible foods for myself – and really for no good reason. It was almost as if I was on a road trip, yet right at home the whole time.

The Rundown:

On Wednesday night (wow – can you remember what you ate last Wednesday? I can) the wife had her EMMMBA class and I was lifting and watching the UW basketball game – terrible season fellas. Unfortunately it was running a bit long, and the whole time I was watching I was trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. And the longer I waited the longer I realized it was going to take me too long to cook. I also had to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy – which I knew would take some time – so I figured, what the f – I’ll go out for dinner while I’m waiting to get my prescription filled.

The wife talked about eating a jumbo jack for lunch that day when she had gotten home from work. So at that point I was craving them. Never has the gas station JITB on 128^th failed me. It was the old western jamboorjoor hangout. This time, it was terrible. The food tasted like cardboard. They didn’t have any barbeque sauce for my jumbo jack. A skinhead showed up and watched me eat while he smoked outside. I was sitting there waiting for him to bust out his 9 and shoot the place up (including me). He ended up ordering a sourdough jack.

On Thursday I had an options investing seminar to go to from 6-9 pm. And I was out of gas in my car so I went to fill up at Costco – 5% back woot! Go figure, might as well stop and get their delicious hot dogs and a slice of pizza. I regret the pizza. It was old and burnt from sitting under the warming lamps for too long. The hot dog was good as usual. I apologize to Kong for possibly having hot dog/onion breath. Absolutely terrible.

Friday we had “employee appreciation day!” which meant that I got a KKD (Krispy Kreme Doughnut) first thing as I walked in the door. At 6:30 am. It took me almost 6 hours to get the whole thing down. Way too sweet for me. Made me feel so sick I couldn’t finish it. One chocolate glazed KKD. Please revoke my man card. On top of the doughnut we also received a free cafeteria lunch. Basically the only thing that’s offered in our cafeteria is heart attack fare. Which is why I only buy food there once a month. I had a cheeseburger and deep fried onion rings. And replaced the mayo with tartar sauce. And dipped my rings in tartar. I love tartar.

From a long hard day at work and a major calorie overload, I came home to nap. When the wife and I woke up from the nap we decided we were hungry again so we rushed and just beat the clock in making it to McMenamin’s early happy hour. 1 pitcher of porter, 2 baskets of tater tots, and 2 corndogs later I was stuffed. And at this point is when I started realizing what I had been doing to myself…but I continued to let it slide…

Saturday I made it all the way to lunch before succumbing to the terribleness that is American food. KFC. 3 piece meal, mashed potatoes and gravy, baked beans and a biscuit. And throw a few hundred more calories on top of it all to wash it down with some root beer. The wife wanted to try one of those grill wrap things and it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had KFC so I decided to give it a shot. Didn’t regret it. Grill wrap wasn’t as good as it looked though.

Saturday night we were scrambling for what to do for food before our comedy show, so we baked up a frozen generic combo pizza from Albertson’s. Well done 400 calories a slice. I ate 2.

That night, when we got to the show, we found the early showing was sold out. So we drank. I had 7 coors lights. And washed that down with a “full order” of nachos. The “full order” is really meant for a minimum of 2 people. Luckily I had 4 to help me out. I wasn’t even that hungry, it being that I had just eaten pizza less than 2 hours ago.

And of course, one of the people we picked up to come to the show with us lives up the street from Dick’s, so we had to stop in at 1:30 am that night to pick up 1 deluxe, 3 specials and fries. I only have 1 special of all of that left. Taunting me from the fridge.

Sunday morning. McDonald’s sausage mcmuffin (forgot to say egg! D’oh!) and hashbrown. After complaining that the regular sausage mcmuffin wasn’t as good as the sausage egg mcmuffin, I stood up and got one. 800 calorie breakfast. Awesome.

Just thinking about all the shit I’ve thrown down my pie hole…makes me want to eat spinach for a few days. Even after just getting out of the shower just thinking about all of this terrible food makes me feel dirty…inside.

Now to completely change topics but to remain under the same subject heading:

Bear sterns is awesome.

This would probably be the best article to read on it.

Here’s what I heard on NPR on the drive home:

1) Bear sterns had leveraged themselves at a 28 to 1 ratio. TWENTY EIGHT! You idiots! You deserve to go down in flames. The fact that JPM and the fed are stepping in to help you avoid bankruptcy is terrible. I don’t care! Let the financial system break! You fuckers broke it!

*breathe*

1a) Any good gambler knows about bankroll control. Obviously it didn’t get up to the people playing with billions of dollars.

2) Just like the article I’ve linked here, Bear Sterns 14,000 employees made up over 30% of the value of the stock. Some of the employees were invested in the stock for 100% of their retirement accounts. How ironic is that? An employee of an investment banking firm investing 100% of their RETIREMENT fund in their own company? Hahahahah! That is absolutely hilarious! I want to laugh out loud right now, but it’s late. And I am a bastard because I know there is some Joe Schmoe out there who has given 40 years of his life to the company and has seen 40 years of precious savings SQUANDERED in literally 3 days. Caveat emptor pal. Dumbasses *cough*

3) Here comes the domino effect. And it’s been one long domino effect since a year ago when LEND fell. That was the red flag. Unfortunately I haven’t shorted like I would have liked to (I’m sure there are those out there who have become extremely wealthy from our financial system’s demise) but I’m hoping to catch one sooner or later. Maybe Citi again? Lehman?

4) I can’t wait to see the looks on those smug i-banking bastards. Yeah, you were making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year…by adding almost NO value whatsoever! I am going to do a little dance for you all when the layoffs come.

1b) I know it’s out of order – just remembered I wanted to write this: So, given my trading bank roll, I am using 100% of the equity in my home. Let’s say a bank gave me 28 to 1 leverage on my equity. That would mean I could play TWO MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS in the market based on the value of my home.

I am in awe.

These are amazing times. I’m glad I’m alive to witness all the change that happens every day.

A Prayer

Just like my new year’s resolution said (right?) – I wanted to pray more.

And I have been. And in its own little way, it’s helped.

Today was somewhat depressing for me – by no means did I have a terrible day at all (there have been much worse) but the world just seemed to beat on me a bit.

So to help me calm down, another short March post. And included; a prayer I’m going to write out, instead of saying in my head:

Dear Lord (because it reads better than “God” to me),

My life is better than I could have imagined it for myself years ago. I am in great health and surrounded by people that provide me strength and love. Thank you for that.

But something in me just won’t quit until I can achieve every thing I set my mind to. And at times, they can be in a direct conflict with my own will power.

Please help me handle my own struggles within myself.

I know I must learn that there are things that are out of my control and as much as I try to deny them I know they will continue on.

Please help me accept the struggles outside of myself and allow me to not be so burdened with the weight of it all. I know you are there to help me carry this. Thank you.

Please help me realize that life is the longest marathon I will ever run. Show me how to take a longer term view of life and show me that the things I do on a daily basis are just a small portion – one step of that marathon. Help me slow down and calm my hyperactive mind.

Place me in the state of contentment. At times it has been hard to find.

Thanks for all you do, we’ll talk again soon.

Seth

I Miss

Ugh

So I didn’t hit 4 posts last month. I am distraught. I literally didn’t want to post all of March for what am embarrassment I am to myself. Not even able to keep up with my 4 posts per month rule. Terrible.

I wanted to make this a short post, because I wanted to go to sleep somewhat early tonight.

And I was watching a special on PBS (nerd) on Deepak Chopra (super nerd) tonight and he was talking about things past and future. And for some reason that struck a chord with me. He said something about what you see when you close your eyes when you think of these things.

The reason that this post is entitled “I miss” is because each of the following points should start with that phrase.

-My parents. It’s so odd because they literally live minutes from me. I feel like ever since college, or maybe high school, or maybe ever – we’ve never really connected. Sure, we talk about our things in common, but it’s been rare that I’ve ever had that deep conversation with either of them.

-Sparks. Fireworks. I miss feeling like there were these magical explosions around my head during those kisses. I miss the dogged excitement.

-Paying rent. Or not paying rent or a mortgage at all.

-Having only a savings account.

-Having somewhat straight teeth.

-My cousins. Playing football. Or playing basketball. Or just hanging out.

-My church friends. I remember screaming “Love ya!” across an auditorium to them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that close to anyone outside of my family.

-All of my past (and mostly quirky) coworkers. Although you may not remember me, I definitely still remember most of you.

-The IMA. Having Don Jones drive me in the Datsun B210 which I bought for him. Going down to the gym almost 4 nights a week to play basketball for close to 3 hours every time. Flag football with blocking.

-Long, sunny afternoons at Denny field when me and the guys would skip out on studying calculus in the Math Study Center and ball it up until the lights turned on…and then turned off.

-Being able to wake up at 10:30 am on weekdays because I didn’t have class until noon. Or didn’t want to go to class at all.

-Working part time and wearing sweats to work.

-Having my own bed. With only the comforter on it. And having my computer next to my own bed.

Ish

I just realized that I’ve got less than 3 days left to this month – Well done February, you short month! Even with leap year extension (which I will try to post on since I find it such an odd day) you still seem like a short month!

And now I’ve doomed myself and the next few days are going to drag.

Since I had nothing to write, and I was trying to think of interesting things to write about on here (I try to keep it as interesting as possible for my future self to read) I wanted to write about my analysis on the most inner workings of my self. My shit. Poop. Excrement. Waste. Admit it, I think everyone does their own study (admiration?) of their daily (or in some cases weekly) BMs.

In some sick, twisted sort of way, I’ve come to learn and almost have a certain pride for my waste at times.

I’ve tried my best to categorize most of them here:

-The reason I came up with this post is because of what occurred to me this evening. It is the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop. This evening, while sitting on the couch, I felt like I had the urge to go (it would’ve been my 2^nd of the day - #2 #2 if you will). So I got up, went to the toilet, sat down, let out a semi large fart, and then…nothing. But I could feel something down there. Some sort of blockage. So for 5 minutes I squeezed. And thought about how much it sucked. And a little malformed niglet plopped in to the toilet. Swimming around and laughing at my struggle. There was still more. But I was tired. And I didn’t want to push anymore. And I had already had a successful BM when I got home from work. So after some rocking back and forth on the toilet - sometimes sitting up straight or bending all the way forward – chest to the knees can work some extra out – I decided to secede and shower. Damn. I should’ve just farted and called it a night.

-The next poop is my standard poop. Roughly about 3 logs, all different lengths (but not by much), typically the first one to arrive is the longest. (I don’t know how I know this so don’t ask). Light brown, no squeezing required, all around satisfying and successful. That was the definition of the after work dump I made today.

-The “Holy Shit!” *fist pump* log. Take those 3 logs. Combine them in to one perfectly shaped floating mass. Something to be so proud of that you brag to your wife about it…So perfect that you don’t even have to wipe or wash your hands. That awesome.

-The snake. Per it’s namesake, it hits the bottom of the toilet and starts to coil around the bottom of the bowl…even the top of it looks like a snake’s head. Now if I could just put some eyes on it and maybe a tongue…It would be the brown cobra…

By the way, I am silently smirking to myself (because sometimes smirking includes a noise) and thinking about how really gross this is to be typing it out. It reminds me of the time my friends and I went to the gorge and instead of peeing in a port o potty (which actually this post was partially inspired by – a post on craig’s list) we all peed on a large boulder (women too) in the middle of this field at the Vantage campgrounds. Our final morning at the Gorge, I thought it would be funny to take a dump on it. One successful log later (and no toilet paper! It better have been good) and one old school camera – and I had had a nice laugh to myself.

It was a month later that I received the horrendous phone call about the picture being developed (I had already forgotten about it at this point) and how it had been immediately destroyed as the camera owner felt sick even touching the picture. Hah. Good times.

-The Bloody Wipe Poop. Capitalized for emphasis. You know the ones that come out (well maybe you don’t) where you just think to yourself, “There is no way this is coming out of me. It feels TOO WIDE!” But it just comes out anyway, ripping everything on the way out – kind of like if you stuck Edward Scissorhands inside of an enlarged toilet paper roll, with toilet paper covering both openings…Well not really. But yeah, the poops are much shorter than normal, but they’ve got girth. And you’re angry with them. And you promise yourself not to just eat steak and rice for 2 meals a day and immediately think about eating a salad before every meal from here on out.

-The “Make room for more!” poop. These occur after you’ve eaten at Olive Garden, Mongolian Grill, Chinese Buffet – actually any buffet for that matter, a happy hour that included half off of appetizers so you got quadruple the amount you would normally eat, Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas dinner…You ate a lot. So now something’s gotta move to make room for the new stuff. And it moves quickly. Like the subway was running behind schedule and is pushing through to make up for lost time. You know it’s one of these when you’re looking for a bathroom (or you are scared and uncomfortable in your car 20 minutes from home) literally minutes after putting your fork down.

-The food poisoning poop…water. I never want to go through this again. Nor will I wish it upon my worst enemies. To lose my ability to fart without fear? It was over! Every fart that I had came with a little gift. Kind of like the extras that they give away at Nordstrom’s after you’ve spent $200, but much less appealing. One night after a rotten hot dog in Vegas (Vegas of all places!) I woke up shivering, and then puked my guts out. After the hurling, I was on the toilet for the rest of the night. Then the rest of that morning. And couldn’t keep anything down. Severely dehydrated and exhausted, I could not control anything for the next 2 days. And every time I sat down to moon the porcelain gods, it was like my #1 and #2 got mixed up and now my #2 was going #1. Tonight I will actually pray that this never happens to me ever ever ever again.

-The morning after poop. Just like everything in the “morning after” this sucks too. Typically I was up late drinking to create one of these. And if I was up late drinking, I was probably eating crappy food too. Shit in, shit out. Go figure. The morning after dump sucks because it’s messy. My theory is that your body has been lying in a horizontal position for so many hours that your doo doo hasn’t had the proper affect of gravity upon it (squishing it in to a solid mass) – therefore spreading it out and making little lumps and lots of splashes. Add in the crappy food and all the liquids you drank the night before? Disaster. This is probably the dump that I take most where I am unhappy with either it, or myself. If it’s on a weekday, it makes me rush for work, so I can’t pay proper attention to it, or if it’s on the weekend, it’s just a shitty (pun) way to start the day. Actually, there’s even times where I have to hold it all the way to work on the weekdays – again squirming in my car - and then be unhappy in a disabled work stall (what, I work early). Thanks a lot morning after poop. You’re worthless in my book.

-The continuation poop. This is 2^nd in satisfaction only to the *fist pump* log. Here’s why it’s so great: You take the standard poop. You’re feeling pretty good. But then out of nowhere you get the urge to go some more, and typically about half to a fourth of the size of the standard poop comes out. Maybe you had a little dessert after dinner last night? Or maybe Mr. Poopy’s children didn’t want to get left behind? Anyway, great feeling, and almost the exact opposite of the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop.

And finally, since it’s my most surprising one:

-The discolored poop. It comes out in all colors. Maybe you ate beets? Maybe you drank a lot of red wine? But the most amazing ones I’ve had – and it rarely happens to me – maybe once or twice a year at most – is the solid green poop. I have no idea how it happens. (If I could figure out what I do/eat I would do it more often) I am not a vegetarian, and over the past year I can count on one hand how many meals I’ve had that did not have some form of meat in them. So when this arrives it is truly a miracle. I marvel at the sight for almost three times as long as the *fist pump* poop. Sometimes it’s out of worry for myself, other times it’s just out of pure wonder and amazement. How could I have made that? Part of me is writing this hoping that others will share their experience and that they too have popped out what looked like to be a ball of light green spinach. Because I have. And although I just wrote a post about my different poops, I don’t want to feel alone in this experience.

I am now done making a complete embarrassment of myself. For tonight.

The Worst Chinese Food Experience Ever

On Wednesday night after a disheartening loss in one of my basketball leagues, I get in my car and find my cell phone with 1 missed call and a voicemail attached to it.

It was my dad. “Hey Seth, we’re thinking of going out tonight, not sure where though. It’s 7 o’clock, so give us a call if you can make it and we’ll let you know where we’re going.”

I call my dad.

“Hey, sup.”

“Hey boy! We just got to this Chinese restaurant in Mill Creek. You know the old Imperial Garden?”

“Yeah.”

“Come meet us here.”

“Ok, I just got done with basketball, I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Go ahead and order without me.”

*click*

20 minutes later I arrived at Zen Garden, after getting off the phone with my cousin Nick who was telling me how “Good this place” was. Boy, was that such a nice setup. Thinking about it now, I wonder if he was joking with me? Nawwww…

I sit down, and the place is pretty empty. My family’s got the corner table, meant for 6 people but seating 4 including me.

I noticed something interesting – there weren’t any drinks on the table. Now, with most restaurants, isn’t that the first thing they get you? Something to drink? Even water?

Either way, I asked my parents if they had ordered already and they had said they ordered 10 minutes ago. That was 7:10 pm. Notice the time as I was a bit shocked by how things played out chronologically.

A few minutes later, a waiter arrived and asked if I wanted anything to drink. My dad said he was having a beer, but I declined as I had just been running for the past 30 minutes.

“Water is fine for me, thanks.”

And everything was normal up until that point. They brought me out my water, my mom and sister their cokes and my dad a beer.

At around 7:20 our appetizer arrived. It was wonton soup. My mom beat us all to the punch with the first complaint of the night.

“It’s not even hot.”

I could see from the waitress pouring the soup in to the cups for us that it wasn’t even steaming. I expected it not to be hot. It was about as warm as my typical shower water, and on top of that the wontons weren’t very good either. My dad suggested that we not complain as it would just take us another 15 minutes anyway to get another bowl of soup that was hotter, and by then we’d be eating our main courses. Or so we thought.

We finished with our soup and were still waiting. We were all filling the table with stories from the day, how work is going and reminiscing on my mom’s 50^th birthday party which was absolutely fabulous.

Finally at around 7:35 (I was looking at the clock often since I was hungry) our first entrée arrived. Fried chicken. My dad’s favorite. And that’s all that came. Other than the rice and tea (which was surprisingly hot) a few minutes later. Now for me, I rarely can just eat meat for dinner. But since I was starving I began chomping away at just the chicken.

Lucky for my sister and me, they had fried the chicken in some sort of peanut sauce and within minutes we were both having an allergic reaction. Awesome. Here we were, starving, with chicken that at least looked edible in front of us and we could do nothing but eat some rice and drink our water. What was this? Prison?

At about 7:45 another family came and sat down next to us. We heard them order their food, conversing in Chinese with the waitress who was serving us. At the same time another one of our entrees came out. Just sweet and sour pork. I didn’t know if these people were part of the “slow food” movement, or if they were just trying to piss us off. The unfortunate thing is, when my dad gets pissed (at anyone else but my family) it’s pretty funny. He gets all red in the face and talks under his breath, but loud enough so the people he is angry with can hear him (but in this situation they might not have understood him).

Here’s what got him though: Another few minutes passed, and the waitress brought out a vegetable plate for us. We all looked at it incredulously as we have never seen that kind of veggie plate before. We started to mention something as another waiter came up and told our waitress (in Chinese of course) that that dish was the table next to ours.

So wait, they’ve been here for less than 15 minutes and have already received one of their main courses? How is this possible? Soon after, the table next to ours was in full on eat mode. While we were waiting for our last two entrees. I was slowly eating the sweet and sour pork and devouring what was left of the small bowls of rice they provided us.

At around 8 pm my Dad (furious) was able to pull a waiter aside (not our waitress) and ask where our food was. Here’s what he literally sounded like:

“Wah hah yuuu wha…hmmm…ahhhh…”

That was his answer to my dad’s question of, “Uhh, we also ordered brocooli with beef and chow mein too”.

Our waitress then came over to see what the commotion was about. My dad, now obviously angry with both of them (and my sister and I giggling together) was asking where our other final two entrees were.

She apologized and at 8:10 pm we got our broccoli beef. It was good. Don’t get me wrong. Everything was mediocre up until the broccoli beef. We shoved it down our throats because at that point we were extremely starved and luckily that filled us up. There was no rice left, we never got a refill on our drinks and the only time we were paid and attention was when we said, “Excuse me” to the waiter/waitress.

While we were eating what would be our last entrée there, my mom and dad were doing their typical “terrible service” argument:

Dad: Terrible Service

Mom: Mahal, they can hear you from here

Dad: So?! We put in our orders over an hour ago an…

Mom: Well, let’s just cancel the chow mein and go.

I agreed. My dad told the waitress off and told her to cancel the chow mein and get us our bill.

My sister suggested no tip, or a tip of a few cents. I one upped her and suggested a negative time.

“Yeah, just put -$20 on the tip line dad. And put the final bill of what you would pay after a negative $20 tip.”

More than an hour and a half after sitting down, my dad was now in a rage over the bill. They charged us a dollar a bowl for the rice (all in total probably about 1 cup worth – I eat that on my own – and for added measure $4 could buy you almost 7 lbs of rice from the grocery store) and also charged us $3 for tea.

What

The

Fuck

I have never been charged for rice or tea at a Chinese restaurant. Those are just the complimentary items that come with your meal. They didn’t even ask us if we wanted rice or tea. They just provided it to us and then charged it to us! Nice!

We stood up, walked out (it took some convincing from all of us now to keep my dad quiet – he still got out some “terrible”s as we were walking out) and left as quickly as we could.

I am so surprised at how horrible my dining experience was that I am considering putting this up for everyone to read under the Seattle city search for Chinese restaurants. That would be a bit vicious because I think this could single handedly put them out of business, but with service like that, they deserve it. While I was leaving I looked around the restaurant at the other scattered patrons who all seemed perfectly happy (not all of them looked like they could speak Chinese). Was it a fluke? I’ll never know. Because I’m never going back.

F you Zen Garden.

Smoking Up

I wasn’t sure what else to write about. I’ve been devoid of topics or things that could actually fill space. I call it smoking up because it makes you high. And gives me a euphoric feeling. I guess I should start using "drinking down" then? Hmmm...

During college for about a year and a half I was very much in to the greens. I would almost even consider myself a pot head during that time. I loved the new sensations and the fact that I didn’t have to spend much to have as good of a time as if I had been drinking.

But like everything else, the novelty of it kind of wears off after awhile. At least for me it did. That and I had a few paranoid trips that I never wanted to experience again. That was the problem with me. Is that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my brain, and how my body is feeling.

With drinking, in my opinion, I can control how I feel based on how much I have to drink. Usually. Sometimes I just keep drinking due to my lack of judgment. Drinking tends to loosen me up a bit in that regard.

But with the grass it wasn’t the same for me. There were times where I would inhale way too much, and then when I would have a coughing fit is when I knew I was in for it. And smoking to me is like lining up a lot of shots and downing them all at once. At first you don’t really feel it. You feel the early effects. But then WAM it hits you like a wall of bricks and you’re reeling…

I will never forget the one time I had a huge freak out where I thought the lights were changing colors, my feed were bleeding and I was just seeing certain frames of my vision. Like my eyes were taking Polaroid pictures of what they saw, they would print up, and I would see what my eyes were looking at just a split second ago. I freaked out so hard that I was doing pushups to try and focus my mind – trying my best to fight what was happening. After that I basically promised myself that I would never do that much again. Also, I used to lose a lot of feeling in my legs. When driving, I couldn’t feel if my feet my were on the peddles or not, and at night I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I couldn’t feel my legs either (I would get scared and touch them with my hands just to make sure they were there).

Has this become a bitch fest about what sucks about smoking? I guess. Anyway, I used to hate how normal things I would do would now hurt so bad. Almost everything was intensified when I was smoking. When I would itch my eye or my scalp or my arm…or anything, it felt like I was tearing the skin off of myself. If I banged my knee or my shin in to something that stinging pain just wouldn’t go away.

The last time I smoked was for an un-retirement party that I was part of 2 years ago. 2 whole freaking years. Last night was my first time in 2 years.

And it was good. It was controlled. I didn’t have so much that I was gone. Because I was cautious about getting to that point again.

Instead of bitching about the freak outs that I had, I’d like to talk about some of the great things about smoking:

-For those of you that took physics: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Remember right? The first thing I tend to notice when I’ve smoked is that it literally feels like the World, the Earth is pushing up on me. Like for some reason I am no longer exerting as much force on the world as I was when I was sober. The ground is now working with me and pushing me up every step I take. It’s really quite a great feeling.

-Random thoughts I would’ve never thought of pop in to my head. And they are hilarious. I’ll always remember one night in college where I was on the ground crying from laughter as me and my roommate thought about how crazy the first guy to drink milk from a cow was. I mean c’mon…who would’ve thought! Of course now drinking milk is all the rage (heh) but think of the first guy who was under that first cow! What was he doing there! And how did the cow feel about it? Anyway, after smoking I can just sit there on my own and laugh at my own thoughts. And sometimes when I’m with a group of people, we can just be laughing – while every one may be laughing at their own thoughts…and not necessarily what the group is talking about. I wrote that sentence as if I had been smoking tonight. I haven’t been.

-I don’t get sick. When I smoke I don’t hear my heartbeat in my head. I’m not getting naked in my kitchen and leaning up against my fridge because I’m so hot and I want the room to stop spinning. I have only puked once after smoking, and you guessed it, it’s because I was drinking after smoking.

-Music and visual media are amazing. When I first got in to smoking (thank you friends) I also became a huge fan of BT or Brian Transeau: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Transeau There is something that happens to me that I believe heightens the ability of my ears when I’ve been smoking. Like my mind almost focuses more on things happening in the backgrounds of the music I am listening to. Even though I can’t do magic eye, I’m comparing my listening experience to that. When I’m sober, it’s like I’m listening to music and not being able to see the shape or pattern in that magic eye. But after smoking it’s like everything has become clear to me. And the music is so much more enjoyable then. I remember always asking people if they were hearing the same things I was…Last night I was listening to Oscar Peterson’s “So Diana”. The piano part comping in the background of that song wasn’t much to me before last night. I mean, it was pretty good. But last night – and this is what makes the genius of Jazz – you could hear the intricacies of the live recording. Each section of 16 bars was a little bit different than the previous one. And I caught things like the pianist signaling that the sax solo was over by comping a few completely different chords for the change. Then there was the drummer that was telling the rest of the band that it was time to head back to the chorus with a triplet strike on the toms. Notice: I have listened to this song at least 20 times, and last night was the first time I recognized any of these things. Of course from now on, I’ll have a much greater respect for the musicians and more enjoyment for the song.

-I get lost and end up laughing at myself. Last night it took me 30 minutes to take out the trash when it usually takes me 10. Only because I got lost in my own house and continually kept forgetting where I was going or what I was doing. All I could do was stand in the kitchen and chuckle to myself about how much of an idiot I was being. In college it once took us 45 minutes to drive to the local taco bell (8 minutes away) only because we got lots. Speaking of which…

-Food tastes better. This happens when I’ve been drinking also though. Maybe I just love food period. Enough said.

So I think if I can figure out a way to better control my reaction to this, and not be so scared of it, I’ll consider it more in the future. As I was telling people last night, I just wish there was a way I could grow my own. Because I can trust myself. I like to know what goes in to what’s getting put in my lungs. And to those of you out there who haven’t tried it (like the 5 of you) go ahead and give it a shot at least once. I promise it won’t kill you, and your parents won’t be the youngest grandparents in the neighborhood nor will you get an STD. Unless you’re a complete idiot.

The Craziest January Ever (aka Rando notes)

I guess I should’ve known when my drunk uncle fell down in his own kitchen. Right in to me, seated at his kitchen table.

I should’ve known that would’ve sparked it. New year’s day. Puking for over an hour at 4 am. Why couldn’t I have predicted all of this? I guess that’s what makes it fun? At the least, I’ve woke up every day since the new year trying to make sense of the partial mess my life has become.

Well, maybe not mess. But more like messy. (Pronounced Mess-E for effect).

So I think I can say with all confidence, 2 hours left, that at the age of 25, I hope I don’t see a January like this again. Or if I do, I just hope I’m better prepared next time.

Where to start…

We’ll get the business out of the way first. I ended the year, December 31^st, 2007 trading up 25%. Not too shabby. Not spectacular, but still good enough for my first 6 months of real trading. I keep crossing my fingers that this isn’t dumb luck.

Little was I to know that through 30 days of January, we would see the largest fall in the stock market in January ever. On December 31^st, the Dow was at 13,200. Mid day on January 22^nd, the market hit an intraday low of what I remember seeing of 11,400. That’s a swing of more than 13%...which is A LOT for the Dow in any direction. Luckily the Fed saved us with an emergency rate cut of .75% and then another cut yesterday of .5%. Well, maybe they didn’t save us. But whatever. We’ll only be able to tell when we look back on this time. The market narrowly avoided the worst January ever today by 1.6%. We had to rally a good 200 points in the Dow to make it there too.

And through all of that, all I lost was 4%. It took a lot of guts on my part. On the 22^nd of January I woke up knowing the market was going to be bad. Overnight there was news that had come out about a French trader who had hacked the trading system and had covered up over $7 billion dollars in losses. That was more than the revenue the French bank that he “worked” for earned in 2007. All gone. Along with the fears of recession in the U.S. economy, the global markets fell an average of 5%. I woke up, turned on CNBC, and saw that we were down 500 points in the Dow pre-open. Since I’ve been watching the market (for the past 10 years now – more seriously over the past 3) I have never seen a move to one side – down or up of 500 points.

I thought that was it. I thought we were done for. I thought that not only was recession upon us (which it already is) but depression was coming too. I had images of bankruptcy and eating chicken broth from a crusty pot in some homeless tent camp after the markets had lost over half it’s value in one week…luckily that was just me daydreaming while I was sipping my morning OJ and texting my friends about how I was losing my fucking mind about it.

I like to think back to the days before I was trading. Where I didn’t really care what the price of a barrel of crude oil was, or an ounce of gold, or the federal funds rate or what the 10 year note was yielding. But then I like to think of how many options I watched move at least 100% in less than a day. How many options I watched move 500% in a couple days. And how many options I watched move 1000% to 9400% over a week. And I start to think that one of these days I’m going to catch one of those. And I can’t sleep thinking about it. 9400% X $10,000 invested is almost a million dollars. Of course I’m not going to catch that kind of move. But I honestly think a 1000% move is feasible. I just saw one today in the AMZN $75 call option February expiration. That’s right. $10,000 invested in ZQNBO at 6:30 am PST this morning, at $.50 and selling at $5.70 at 1 pm PST would’ve made you (me) a profit $104,000. Today. Less than 8 hours. And sure, I know, there are plenty of people that make that money on interest in their sleep (or more). But I’m not one of them. Yet.

For some reason I have this crazy confidence that I’m going to catch one and hit it out of the park. Call me crazy. I can’t wait for that party I throw when I do catch one though. If you are reading this right now you’re auto invited. I’ll buy the plane ticket for those of you outside of the state.

Ok, enough market talk. That could go on forever.

My mom turned 50 years old on the 25^th of this month. The big five-oh. Just thinking about how many things have changed in my life, I can’t imagine what seeing double that would be like. My mom has lived an awesome and respectable life. I am so lucky to have her as my mother. Hopefully one day I can show her how grateful I am for everything that she’s done for me.

We’ve been trying to plan a party for her. And it doesn’t help that my dad is with her in Hawaii (lucky dogs – they go every year). Trying to plan it without him isn’t of much help because we’re fronting most of the costs right now. We’ve been trying to find a place to host at least 80 people – which has been a struggle. Trying to print invitations. Trying to figure out food and entertainment…but…

THE PARTY IS NEXT WEEKEND.

So we’ve kind of procrastinated about it over the past 2 weeks (seeing as how we’ve barely had time to celebrate our own lives) and now we’re paying for it. If we pull this off successfully it will be a small miracle. Pray for me that nothing goes wrong (I’m putting the probability at 30% right now – I hope it declines the closer the party gets).

Of course I want every thing to be perfect. My mom deserves to be showered in love and happiness from all her close friends and family.

So while trying to plan that party, we’ve also been working on trying to plan a little poker party get together at our house TOMORROW. It’s not that big of a deal – definitely no renting of venues, plates, chairs or looking in to catering like my mom’s party…but it’s still an extra thing to plan for. Had to go out and buy food for the party and of course good poker chips (because it’s always “only the best” for me). Provide directions to patrons and coordinate times…and of course it’s going to require cleaning on February 1^st…which I am not looking forward to.

Side note: Everett Mall is freaking ghetto. This is where I bought my poker chips. Literally if you go there, you feel depressed just walking through. If you own a business there, how do you stay afloat? I really hope they remodel it like they did with Alderwood. The place needs a big shot of collagen or botox or something…complete makeover.

On top of the two party plans I had going on, I threw on the planning of a 2 week expedition to Europe in May. Really, the hard part was being a cheap ass and applying to 3 different credit card companies for a 0% rate interest card (can you tell how cheap I am yet?). I had to purchase my tour by today in order to receive an early bird discount (and hopefully get my flight cheap). Luckily, my 0% interest credit card came in the mail yesterday after haggling and begging with the credit companies to offer me up some free money. So it’s settled. And I’m more than 3 grand in the hole for the trip of a lifetime. Let’s hope I make it to my 26^th birthday and beyond! After this I only plan on going to Vancouver (the northern one) and Oregon (the other way) for vacation for a few years. It’ll probably be all I can afford. As of today I count 101 days until I am on a plane bound for London. That looks really weird to read…I have never been away from Bothell, let alone outside of North America for more than 10 days. This should be interesting.

We got stupid snow in January. Stupid snow is where it snows just enough to make the roads icy but not enough to make me stay home. That seems to be the theme here lately with the snow. “Here’s a piddly amount just to annoy you!” Seriously? Can’t we get a foot or more around here? Something I actually wouldn’t feel stupid playing in as an adult? Thanks God. And to all you weaklings that stayed home: Good for you, your $100-$250/day job isn’t worth you crashing your 3 series.

So as a side job (and for fun) I’m a secret shopper. Maybe this requires it’s own post? Anyway, I did two secret shops this month (that’s a lot for me, I usually do a shop every 3 months). One for Centex homebuilders (which was pretty interesting) and another for Garlic Jim’s. I love getting paid to give my opinion. And free pizza is always nice too. There are no complaints about the secret shopping, just another added item to the crazy January.

My Boeing basketball team is still undefeated – but we’re going to be missing our best players for next week so that should be some trying times. My flag football team is still defeated (read closely – all losses), but we had a “moral” victory last week when we only lost by 1 point on the final play. Heartbreaking. Oh which reminds me, out of nowhere last Saturday night my upper back started hurting pretty bad. And it hurt for about 4-5 days. I didn’t do anything to aggravate it. Maybe it was just the stress from this month? Possibly.

Lastly, on that Saturday we went to see a few comedians perform at the Laugh Comedy Spot in Kirkland. It was a “Girls night out and bring your husbands too” for one of my wife’s coworkers. Anyway, the comedians were pretty good. But here’s the great part about the night: Supposedly the comedians that night were billed as “clean comedians”. So of course you had a bit of the older, (and easily offended) crowd that showed up that night. And obviously they got nothing but dirty jokes! One angry crowd member was heard yelling, “When’s your flight home?” and when another angry guy had his wife pleading with him not to say anything we heard “No I will not stop! This is terrible!”

You can only imagine the kind of laughs I got not only from the comedians being funny (and PG-13 offensive) but from seeing the reaction of the poor souls who were in for some very G rated jokes. Talk about a crazy January…It’s almost sad to see it end.

It Never Stops

“Well I can’t see the end of it! I can’t!”

My wife screamed at me.

Maybe because there won’t ever be an end to it.

Ah, the later part of January. I was surprised at the good mood I was in after waking up this morning and seeing that the Dow had broken below crashing levels, minus 500 points pre-open.

It was turning out to be another sunny day, and I had eked out some minor gains, mainly because I hadn’t invested much. That was good enough for the day and I sat back and watched…well not really watched. I was busy at work. And it’s been taking up a lot more of my time so now I’m actually focusing on just that: Working. That’s what they pay me for.

And even still, busy, knowing the economy is collapsing around me; I put on a happy face and was able to laugh with coworkers and friends.

But it caught up to me. Every year my friends and I notice around this time that the “most depressing day of the year” passes us by and all of us are hit with at least a twinge of it. Mine hit tonight.

Sitting on the couch tonight we got in to the discussion of our finances.

And right now, all that’s playing in my head is from Kanye West’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” – La laaa la la wait ‘til I get my money right.

We’re making enough to live comfortably. We’re making enough to afford the things we want. But it won’t be enough for me. I wonder if it will ever be enough. Because the spending will never stop, and I feel like the more we make the more we’ll continue to adjust our spending habits upwards.

That’s where the screaming came from. Next month we clear ourselves of all the excess debt we racked up in remodeling an investment property. Unfortunately in less than a year’s time the market has kind of turned against us, and even up here in the “strong Northwest real estate market” comparable housing isn’t selling for what it used to be. I would literally be happy to get out of our condo at a loss at this point – but not too much. We took a risk on a property and we might lose. Luckily as long as we keep renters in the property we will continue to break even…but that’s as long as we keep renters…

I could see the housing bubble bursting after my wife sold her condo in 2005, but I just figured that we were buying at such low levels and next to such an attractive area that the risks weren’t too great. I’m just going to keep crossing my fingers on that one, and I’m sure you’ll hear more on it over the next few years.

With the debt gone unfortunately we ran in to some car trouble and replaced the investment property debt with car debt. (Notice how I wrote a post about how happy I was about the car? Novelty wears off when you stare at a bill for long enough) Debt that will last us 2 years longer than the condo did. And I want to go on vacation to Europe. And we want to go on vacation together. And I want a motorcycle. And I’d like to go back to Vegas next year for the first time in 3 years. And I want…and so it continues to get piled on. Cringing at applying through different banks for the next 0% interest credit card just so I can save $500 throughout the next 12 billing cycles. Calculating in my head how much interest I’d pay on the home equity line of credit if I were to just take the money from there.

It’s like this constant grey cloud that follows me wherever I go.

I’m going to admit it right now. We bought too big of a house for ourselves. Financial “gurus” suggest that at a maximum your mortgage/living costs should not exceed 40% of your monthly household take home. Ours is currently at 60%. Our financial situation is so fragile that we are literally teetering on the edge. Luckily the furthest we could fall would be to move in with our parents, so we have that safety net there. I wouldn’t want all the shame associated with doing so that would come with it however. Just thinking about that phone call, or possibly that knock on the door that says, “We bit off too big of a piece and now we’re choking. Do you know the Heimlich mom?” makes me want to push so hard so I never get to that point. But it’s basically as easy as the words, “We’ll be outsourcing your position” or even, “You’re fired”.

With a 60% cost of living, that means that at any time if either one of us lost our jobs we would be hemorrhaging money until that person was able to find a job. Yes. I do have a good enough amount saved up in my retirement accounts. Enough to actually continue living the way we are currently living without jobs for a full year. But it’s my retirement account for Christ sakes! Something I’ve worked almost 3 years now to build up! Of course, yes, I would squander it if I had to. But I don’t even want to think about that right now.

It’s never going to stop because after 2 years of living in this home, hardly anything has been paid off on the principal. Seriously, who takes the full 30 years to pay off their mortgage? I suppose people who expect to be working in the same position for the same pay for the next 30 years. It’s never going to stop because I have set a 15 year payment plan on our home equity line of credit. It’s never going to stop because I don’t expect my car to live for more than another 3 years and by that time we’ll have just finished paying off my wife’s car. It’s never going to stop because if I don’t find a job that’s willing to pay tuition reimbursement I’ll be financing my own master’s degree. It’s never going to stop because there will always be some new gadget, or new version of TV or must have product to showcase that I make enough money to afford this crap in the first place.

It’s debilitating. I sat there on the couch for a few minutes almost wishing I could take it all back.

Imagine what living in Fremont renting from my buddy’s parents as a single male earning my same wages would’ve provided me. Almost an extra two grand a month after living expenses, make that fifteen hundred since I’d want to pick up a nice car and I would’ve had close to $40K saved to my name after 3 years living the same way I was living in college (and keeping my current job). Not including what I had put away to my retirement accounts.

But how much would the possible loneliness cost me during those years? I spent 3 months basically living alone and they were some of the most challenging days of my life. As hard as I try, I am a social person so I like to be around other people as much as possible. I’m pretty sure it would be devastating for me to ever go back to that position again.

So for tomorrow I am going to try my best to keep my head up and focus on what is to come – the day that the grey cloud finally goes away. The worst I can do for myself is to continue wasting time dwelling on how things were, could’ve been, or how they should’ve turned out. Tomorrow has opportunity written all over it and although I doubt I’ll take full advantage of it, hopefully I’ll get another chance in the many days to follow. It’s super cheesy, but it’s the best I can do to try and talk myself out of giving up right now.

As Seen on TV

Something has come over me recently. Or maybe I’m just more in tune with my desires as a consumer.

And that is my sudden urge to buy most products from the “As Seen on TV” lineup and actually take them up on their 30 day money back guarantee. I know. It sounds crazy. And yes, of course I’m not fooled by the “Call in the next 30 minutes to receive a special discount!” offer (although I’m sure some people are). If it weren’t for the darn S & H (shipping and handling for you noobs) I would be on the phone more often. But wait! During a recent holiday stroll through the mall *barf* and a random jaunt to the neighborhood Bartells (family owned and operated), I found 1) A store dedicated to as seen on TV products – glad I didn’t slow my roll and 2) a portion of the “female hygiene” aisle – don’t ask me what I was doing there – dedicated to the “As Seen on TV” section.

No more S & H! This is not a verified claim though as I did not purchase any of these products. I am not sure as to whether or not the same offer as seen on TV of 2 easy payments of $19.95 would in fact be $39.90 when I brought it to the front counter at Bartell’s. Where the “manager” looked like he could’ve been a sophomore at Mt. Pilchuck. Cushy job for a 16 year old…

Anyway, I can attribute my recent longing for all things appearing on the tube to a few things:

-It being the winter months along with football season my greater intake of quality *cough* television programming.

-Side note (reality): The products are more widely displayed on more gender specific channels. Expect to see at least 15 of these commercials when you’re watching Candace Cameron in a Lifetime Original movie about domestic violence. As much as I hate to admit it, I find many of these originals eerily entertaining. Is it possible I was meant to be a stay at home mom? That’s another blog post.

-Having more money and time than I know what to do with. What’s an extra $50 to $100 to spend when I’ll get my money’s worth after 5 to 10 uses?

Here’s the thing about these products: They claim to do things better than what you had previously. But were you doing those things that these products claim to help you do better anyway? (Confusing sentence, I know). Probably not. More than likely these products will get used for 3 months and forgotten about and regretted like the typical new year’s resolution.

So without further copyright and/or licensing rights, I will break down the awesome to the completely worthless.

First off – and the winner in my opinion is the Ove Glove.

http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/ove_glove.html

(I don’t know if they realized that the words “as and “seen” when placed together make “ass” – WTG 3^rd grade)

That isn’t exactly the one that we have. It was a gift to us from my wife’s parents for Christmas last year. Hah! I still haven’t bought an “As Seen on TV” product. Our Ove Glove has these rubber blue lines down it, which I think add greater protection. I’ve used ours now for over a year and I definitely like it better than an oven mitt. The Ove Glove, it being a glove, gives you more flexibility. Instead of just holding things with your thumb and attached…uhhh…large part of the mitt, you now get to use all 5 fingers! What a concept! No burns on me since I got the Ove Glove! But then again, there weren’t many cooking burns before then either. I’ve seen in the commercials where the glove was lit on fire, and the hand didn’t look in pain whatsoever! (But they didn’t show the hand owner’s face though…)

But was it really worth it though? Ah – the standard “As Seen on TV” realization. The Ove Glove costs about $7-10 more than the average oven mitt…and the reason why it’s first for me (other than owning it) is because I think the added utility is worth the price. After a year ours is littered with pizza stains and grease though…I guess we should have scotchguarded it? Maybe for the next Ove Glove we buy.

Next up is a couple fitness items.

The perfect pushup

http://www.perfectpushup.com/

And the bender ball

http://www.benderball.com/

I honestly think if I bought these two products, I would end up with some ripped arms and pecs and the stomach I’ve always dreamed of! In all seriousness though for at least 3 months I would do more pushups and sit ups using these products. I mean I only really do weights and core work about 2 times or less per week. So maybe for those 3 months I might start seeing results? I don’t know. Guilt might be a big enough factor in making me work out – which makes me wonder if switching to a cheaper gym was such a good idea. You can’t beat 408% more effective though! I mean when these commercials put numbers backed up by some scientists from a college I’ve heard of before, it becomes pretty convincing. And as I mentioned before, with the money back guarantee, it wouldn’t hurt to take a test drive right? Probably wrong.

And for all of us green thumbs out there:

My wife wants this product because she likes to grow herbs and put them in our meals:

http://www.aerogrow.com/

I want it so I can grow pot…

And sell it to hospitals that use it for medicinal purposes of course.

Imagine the smell in the house though! Stank!

Sometimes I dream of traveling the country by hopping trains. Not really though. But if I ever did I swear I could sleep anywhere with a flat surface as long as I had this:

http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/contourleg.html

I always sleep on my sides. And when I do, I need something between my knees. It’s just more comfortable. Without 1 pillow, it’s tough. Because I use one hand for my head and one hand to go between the knees. Unfortunately one hand isn’t enough for both spots. (TMI possibly?) This product also looks hardy enough that would withstand many miles of harsh terrain and sub zero weather. Not like I would though.

I always laugh when I hear people talking about this product:

http://www.buythebullet.com/

Because I think of another “magic bullet”. I don’t really want this, but my brother in law won one in some college contest and he and his roommates swear by it. If it’s good enough for them, meh.

Some other honorable mentions include the “Mighty Putty”, the natural breast enhancer (mainly because that commercial is so awesome!), and of course the standard remote control boat/car/plane that can go on land, water and fly up in to the air! Definitely all guilty pleasures that I’m not able to have...right now.

And finally, what you’ve all been waiting for, the idiotic list.

Really there’s only a couple that belong here. And I’m sure they’re pretty good products for people who need them. And surprisingly they have to do with basically the same thing: Old people and hearing.

First off is the “Listen Up”:

http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/listen402.html?gid=

Now I’m sure in 10 years when my ears are completely shot, I’ll need this. But let’s keep the old folks in the homes and not on TV ok? Remember, the age group that actually buys things is where I’m at. The 18 to 40 year olds. Not the AARP group because they can’t even hear the darn commercial anyway! The main part that bothers me about this commercial is they show younger people using it. Which we would never do. A guy is running on a treadmill at the gym and he looks at two attractive women talking and looking in his direction. Supposedly using this product he can hear what they are saying! Which in the commercial they are giggling like school girls about how cute he is. Possible? I think not! (But do not have the product so I can’t verify – but that guy is definitely not cute). At the least they are not saying how hot he looks, but more than likely what a creep he is for staring at them. Pervs belong in prison. Not the gym.

And yet another one for the “forgetful mother” or “Uncle Phil with dementia”, the “My Lil Reminder”:

http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/mylilreminder.html?gid=

Record notes to yourself so that you can hear what an idiot you are 20 minutes from now! The part that pisses me off in this commercial is the woman looking in her fridge and telling herself what she needs at the grocery store. “Let’s see, juice, lettuce and eggs”. Just the way she says eggs and then how they immediately show her at the grocery store playing the recording to herself makes me want to kick her in the neck. Seriously lady, if you forgot how to write a grocery list maybe you do need this product. Oh and the best part about the “My Lil’ Reminder”? Is that for the price of one, you get TWO! (Standard with most of these products – always ask for at least two if you’re going to actually buy one). I always laugh while watching this commercial (the eye of the tornado that is my rage while watching it) imagining crazy Uncle Phil who records where he left one of the recorders, only to find it and record where he left the other recorder. Uncle Phil gets plenty of steps in on his pedometer (because his heart doctor said so!) losing these fun little glorified voice recorders! I should seriously contemplate advertising for this product…

I am thinking the inventor of these previous products hasn’t quit their day job.

And last off, to end it all…is probably the worst one out of them all. Literally, I have to change the channel now (God forbid – side note, my grandpa used to turn off the TV during commercials – WTG gramps!) anytime this commercial comes on, and it’s the stupid Proactive commercials. Partly because Jessica Simpson’s career is just done (I hope they catch her dad on “How to catch a predator”) but mainly because of the stupid piano theme song running in the background.

Seriously, Bruce Hornsby, if you or someone you know is reading this right now, stand up for yourself! They sampled (ripped off) the main piano part of your song, “The Way It Is” (one of my favorite social commentary songs ever!). Sue them! Get your hard earned money! You wrote that hook and you deserve at least $.25 every time they play that damn commercial. And at the least it would make me feel better about that commercial and maybe they’ll change the background song if they have to pay royalties!

For those of you who couldn’t make it this far…

CLIFF NOTES: I watch too much TV. I am a sucker for commercials. Some “As Seen on TV” products are awesome but I don’t buy them. I’d recommend not being a sucker for them either. Ask yourself this, “How did I live so many years without X product?” and you’ll have your answer. Sue those bastards in to the poor house Bruce!