The South Has Changed Me

After being here more than a month (I know - such a long time - psych) I am already beginning to notice changes in myself which I didn't think living in another area of the country would actually do to me.

This is going to be a short post because I don't really feel much like writing. I just kind of had a "moment" at Costco (of all places) when I realized the South was starting to morph me in to something the Seattle version of me wouldn't realize.

At Costco as we were shopping for our random items that we need a LOT of - namely paper towels and toilet paper - we passed the clothing area which they so perfectly place in the middle of everything. And the clothes are so damned cheap too. It's hard not to pick up a $20 polo or $15 pair of cargo shorts.

But what caught my eye this evening was...boat shoes. I know. Only people over 50 wear them. Like my dad. But, I was thinking to myself - it's hard to look somewhat dressy in shorts and a polo. I mean, I've got my rockports. But I have to wear socks with them. And just the image of shorts, black socks and my rockports makes me cringe. Then I've got my flip flops and my trainers. Too casual.

But boat shoes. They are perfect.

And if you're not sure what I'm referring to, here are the ones that I bought tonight.

They really hit the go between - not casual, but not dressy. Perfect for an evening out for dinner downtown in 90 degree temps.

And I don't mind if people laugh at me - they're just like my old people sunglasses. It's part of my "charm".

Another thing the South has changed about me is that I have now watched a full episode of "America's Most Wanted". Why? Because I have driven through the cities that these criminals might currently be in. I could be the lead eye witness to catching someone that has been running from the law since late 2007. You never know.

The food down here spoils so quickly. I think it is the heat. Or the humidity. In the Northwest you can keep your cereal, bread, bananas and all that good stuff out for almost 2 weeks. Here that 2 weeks is cut down to 4 days or less. You know how most bagel bags come with 4 to 6 bagels? I'm now opting for the 4 bagel bags because by the time I get to that 6th bagel it'll have mold on it. And instead of buying my bananas in a big bunch of 7 like I normally do, I now buy them in bunches of 4. I was surprised at how quickly things turned down here. I guess not everything is slower down South.

All I want to do is play golf. Take golf lessons. Go to the driving range. In fact, I was just looking at a set of clubs at the Nike store tonight. Expensive, but awesome. I've only played one round of golf so far, but after being out in that heat and playing my heart out (shot 40 over - ouch) I am excited about hitting the links again. In Charleston since they have so many courses out here the green fees are minimal. $12 will get you a round of 18. If you go during the heat of the day or late in the afternoon it can be cut down to $7 or less. Which is pretty ridiculous when you're spending about 3 hours out on the grass.

I've always liked golf. But right now it is my #1 sport. I'll have to convince the wife that I need a set of clubs over the next month...

The European Experience

For the past 2 weeks I have traveled across much of Western Europe with 50 other people. In a bus.

It was an amazing time.

We started in London, went through Belgium, the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Italy, Switzerland and finally France.

Near the beginning of the tour, our tour manager had mentioned the “European Experience”. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it came across this way to me: Anytime I had that “wow” moment – and for me specifically it was, “wow – this is different from what I’m used to” that was a European experience.

Now, most of what I write here may seem negative – or like I’m bashing the European experience. It’s partly cause I am. I am a snob who grew up in America and like to be as comfortable as possible and get everything the way I want it as soon as I want it. And for free.

But over a sushi dinner tonight (go figure in Charleston – and it was excellent) I was describing a few of the things I found different about places in Europe than we had here in the states.

I think the first thing that really caught me off guard was the rest stops.

In the European Union, commercial drivers cannot drive for longer than close to 4 hours without taking a 45 minutes break. I don’t think this is the case in the US – for us if you can drive safely – you should continue working (but I’m not sure because I’ve never talked to a semi truck driver about his work).

Given this rule, it makes for some pretty amazing rest stops. They are basically what would happen if 7-11 and something like an Arby’s slept together and had a baby. Well not really, because it would be about 6 times their size.

I couldn’t believe their rest stops. I mean Europe really caters to their drivers I guess. Hot food, cold food, all the magazines and books – travel items, candy, chocolate, drinks (even beer and wine!).

After driving across the United States – this was amazing to me. Because I thought a nice rest stop meant it had a nice patch of grass next to a few disgusting toilets. As far as rest stops go, Europe definitely destroys us.

But here’s the kicker: Good luck finding a public rest room that you can use for free.

That was another shocker for me. Every time we would pull over to use the “Wash Closet” and yes – that is what they are called – we’d have to either tip the women who were working in the bathroom (I guess they live there?) or we’d have to pay a fee to an automated machine like when you get on the subway.

It was 50 Euro cent every time! Roughly 81 US cents! And since most everyone reading this right now knows how strong my bladder is – that can really start to add up.

Knowing that I had to pay to use the bathroom now made my bathroom trips much more strategic. I would wait as long as I could at those rest stops – to insure I didn’t have to go twice. And I’d also wait and eat hoping that shoving food down my pie hole would make waste come out the other end. Because paying almost a dollar to use the Wash Closet to go number 2 would definitely be worth it.

And while we’re on the topic of doody I’d like to share a few related European experiences regarding it.

The rest stops in Italy did not have toilet seats. Actually, looking back on it, a lot of the “public” toilets didn’t have toilet seats. Luckily I only had to lay cable twice in the presence of a porcelain king without a crown. Much respect to the other ladies out there that squat. I was in defensive position for about 5 minutes and thought my thighs were going to break. Yes. Break.

After my first experience squatting I came out of the Wash Closet sweating. And thinking aloud to my friends that I would become a wealthy man in Italy by selling them these things called “toilet seats”. They ensure that your everything doesn’t touch what’s in the toilet.

Which brings me to my next European experience. I guess they are fine with falling in every time they go to the bathroom…because…they have the bidets! I was afraid of the first one I saw in London. But as soon as I got to Italy I was ready for it. Or at least I thought I was.

My initial thought on the bidet was that if I was ever that dirty, I would just take a shower. And, unfortunately for the bidet, my initial thought was right. After my first time using one (mainly for fun and just to try) I stood up, soaked from the back to my balls to my inner thighs and dripping on to my boxers thinking, “Great, I just took a shower only in that portion of my body”. And to my horror I still grabbed a piece of toilet paper and wiped back there…the bidet had done nothing by leave me with wet undies. At first it was pretty cool though. I think the feeling that a bidet gives you alone is worth using it. I was like a little kid who finally learned how to ride his bike without training wheels. Except I was a grown man splashing water on his ass in the bathroom. So I guess they’re not even close.

And that again almost segues perfectly in to my next few European experiences. They don’t fool around with their water temperature there. A few times I had to pull my hand either out of the sink, shower or ass out of the bidet because the water was almost at boiling temperature. Here in the states I believe we have a “max hot” point. At a few of the hotels we stayed at in Europe, I think they just let that fire boil that water. Maybe this stems from the plague? They want to make sure they kill all of your germs while giving you 3^rd degree burns every where else? I don’t know. Anyway, I was shocked at how hot the water got in some parts of Europe. And surprised that more people didn’t burn themselves with the tap.

To go with the hot water, I think out of all the hotels we stayed in, only about 20% of them included shampoo. So I was sitting questioning myself…Alright, how am I supposed to wash my hair? And for about a week I washed my hair with the bar of soap. And after using just that normal soap my hair started to get crunchy. I remember in Germany I reached up to scratch my head and it was more like my hair was scratching my hand instead. It was definitely not the smooth afro I was used to. After that I stole Pol’s pert plus and used it the rest of the trip. I figured he didn’t need it since his head was shaved anyway.

Air conditioning. I believe we had one night of aircon in Europe. And you’ll never believe where it was. It was in the BEST WESTERN in Florence. Yes. I had to stay in an American based hotel in order to get my air conditioning. The rest of the time I was sleeping in my boxers on top of the sheets and hoping for the cool night breeze to come. Which it did a few nights (thankfully). Earlier today I was talking about how I wished we had gone to Europe during the mid to late summer. After writing this I’m actually glad we did not. Maybe it’s some big sort of conspiracy? Maybe the locals have air conditioning but they want the tourists to suffer? That could be a possibility. Before we left for our respective areas of the US – we were sitting the Charles De Gaulle airport sweating our asses off. I don’t think I have sweated more on a “vacation” than I have on this past one.

The autobahn. I watched cars fly by us at at least 100 mph. Mercedes mini vans for Christ sakes. And everyone out there drives either a smart car or what I would consider between a golf and a Volvo station wagon. All very odd people carrying cars. Of course I saw a lot of Ferraris, high end Mercedes and BMWs and heck, even the Fords and Toyotas that they had in Europe looked nice.

Bikes. I have never seen so many freaking people riding their bikes in my life before. I believe the Netherlands holds the record for the largest bike rack on earth. It was at least 4 stories. And amazing. The land is so flat in parts of Europe that people can easily get around just riding their bike. It’s healthy, good for the environment and fun to do. Sounds like a win all around to me. But here’s the thing about those areas: Where the pedestrian gets the right of way in the States, that’s not the same in some parts of Europe. I was nearly run over a few times because I wasn’t watching. Yes! It was my fault for stepping in front of a bicyclist. Wild.

The drinking age. I believe the drinking age in Italy was 16. But they had some crazy rule about how 16 year olds could only drink beer and nothing hard until they were 18. Tell you what – if they had that same sort of law in the states I would’ve looked 18 by the time I was 14. It was pretty amazing to me while I was sitting at a bar in Venice singing the Italian futbol theme song when I turned around to here some kid who was almost half my age correct me on how I was singing it. I have a cousin who is turning 16 this winter. I can’t imagine him sitting next to me at a bar and pounding beers with me in the next few months. These kids – that’s what they were. Just kids. Yet another one of those “Wow” moments.

And that right there is almost three and a half pages of writing about the tiniest differences between the States and parts of Europe. But for me they made all the difference. I’m sure there is a lot more that I thought of and wanted to write, but am forgetting…but this post is long enough already. If I come up with more I’ll make another post because I’ve got 2 more to go in less than a week!

(This post was not proofread out of laziness)

The Re Low Kay Shun

I started writing this post 2 weeks before we left for Charleston. We have now been here for a week on Tuesday. So if it seems a little bit out of order, it is. It took me 3 different attempts to finish this post - and reading through it I definitely know things are chronologically confusing.

Wouldn’t it be weird if every thing we wrote was spelled out phonetically? It would be. It would also be weird if I had written out every thing in this blog post that way. But I’m not going to. Because it’s too tough/annoying. And I’m blogging from work, so I want to write as quickly as possible so I can finish this before I’m on my way home.

Over the past 2 months the wife has been offered a few relocation opportunities. The company she works for (BA) is having trouble with their newest product line – go figure. They outsourced a lot of the work and of course they’re having issues. So now they’re scrambling to send people abroad – not that I honestly think it will help much.

She’s been offered Italy and Japan. And both times we had to decline. Mainly because they were not offering us a full year relocation – which meant that we weren’t going to be receiving the extra perks associated with relocating to another part of the world – mainly having the home you currently own paid for by the company while you live abroad – on top of them paying for your current place of residence.

And the only way we were going to survive is if I got a job in Italy or Japan – and since I don’t speak either of those languages, I don’t think it was going to fly.

The offer came through 2 weeks ago for Charleston, South Carolina. Given that it’s in the states and I might be able to work remotely out in SC (and will start working remote this week), we’re going to go ahead and pick it up.

I’m sure this post will be the first out of a multi-part series based on the relocation. There’s plenty of details I can hash out later on – and I’m sure I’ll be blogging more as soon as I get there (oh the things I’ll see!).

But for this post I wanted to write about the things I’m going to miss while I’m out in SC. Right now the assignment is 6 months – but I can almost guarantee that if provided the option (and maybe extra pay?) we might stay another 6 months (or longer) dependent upon whether we like it out there.

This is all happening so quickly. So it’s hard for me to adjust emotionally (such a wuss) knowing that I’ll be driving across the country in 2 weeks.

Last night I vacuumed the house (I hadn’t vacuumed in about 2 months – I usually do so once a month) and as I was vacuuming I realized this would be the last time that I would be vacuuming the house for some time. Not that I would miss vacuuming – but the fact that I wouldn’t be doing this act – along with mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, washing and putting away the dishes...so many of the daily things that we all do - that really I think we kind of don't recognize as being something special - because they are so routine.

On the drive out to the East Coast, about 2 days in, the wife and I were talking about things we were going to miss most about being in our house for the summer.

And for me, it was this:

We have the pond in our backyard. I get a good view of it from my office. I will have no view from my new office - but oh well.

Over the summers (the hot nights) I can't sleep until the weather has cooled down a bit. Which is usually around 10:30 or 11 pm or so.

So what I'll do is take a cold shower (not because of the reason you're thinking) around 9, come out, put on the basketball shorts and cutoffs and get a glass of ice cold water. This reminds me - I'm going to miss our French door fridge. It is pretty great when the temperature is getting up there to open up both doors and basically just stand in the 30 degree fridge. (Because you have to at our house in order to get ice and water). Anyway, I'll head back upstairs with the glass of ice water in hand, and I'll set up the fan aiming directly at my back.

I'll open up the window in front of me as wide as it will go, and listen to the chorus of frogs and crickets sing the night away.

And there I'll sit. While I cool off from the summer day. Whether it be blogging, or reading the net, or playing my Xbox - that's probably some of the best "me" time I get every summer night.

I don't know if I'm going to get that this summer. It seems like air conditioning is a requirement down here. And after spending a day out in the humid 87 degree heat today, I can understand why.

Just like up in Seattle how we keep our windows and doors shut to the outside to keep the heat in - I'm sure we'll be doing the same down here but instead to keep the heat out. But at least we're not the ones paying for the "heating" bill down here. But air conditioning to me just makes the air so stale. I suppose it will take some getting use to over the next few months.

I'm obviously going to miss my friends and family back home.

It's already hard for me to talk on the phone to my parents. I know they miss us. I definitely miss them. There's such a security blanket - which I knew was there but am only now beginning to realize how much I relied upon it. My parents were less than a 10 minute drive away from me at all times. Now I really don't have anyone to turn to. My family and a few friends - they were automatic. In a phone call we could be together. And now that's obviously not the case. Puts a knot in my stomach.

I'm going to miss the softball. Last year was my first full summer of playing softball. I had played baseball until my early teens and played some pick up baseball and softball whenever possible - but last summer I played from mid April to September. And I realized how much I had missed the fields - throwing the ball around - hitting and fielding.

The BBQs are another thing I've just come to expect while living out in Seattle. Everyone getting together, having a few beers and throwing some beef on the grill. Or maybe oysters. Since we just finished building our fence before we left I was thinking we were going to have a pretty solid back yard for entertaining purposes. I even replaced the propane tank so I was prepared for 3 or more stupendous months of grilling. And don't even talk to me about all the drinking I'm going to miss out this summer without all my drinking buddies.

I'm going to miss Husky football. Husky sports alone should have it's own post dedicated to it.

And although there is plenty of water around me - it's definitely not the same as what I had in Seattle. I'm going to miss Lake Union, Lake Washington, Greenlake - the San Juans, Alki...IMO those things are one of the major reasons Seattle residents put up with so much crap...Because anywhere you are in Seattle - you're only minutes away from a stunning view.

I already am missing the food. Tonight we went to a local grocery store and they didn't have either of the kinds of rice I like. I'm sure the rice we bought will be just fine, but if it turns out poorly, I'll know why. There's definitely no teriyaki out here. There's Chinese, but it's all Americanized crap. No Thai. No Mongolian. No modern/fresh mex. No good sushi. No Costco for 100 miles. No Taco Time. No Mcmenamin's/McCormick's or any other place that we loved to go to happy hour. But I have already found a few good places to eat after only a week of being here - so I'm hopeful I'll fill up that roster again.

I think that's good enough for now. Maybe I'll write another post like this come October and see how my thoughts have changed over the few months that I'll be here. We've finally moved in to the house we'll be staying in until at least Halloween. Crazy - I'm sure the kids will be dressed up and knocking on our door before I know it.

The Hotel Life

Our house won't be available until the 6th of May, so until then, that'll mark the longest consecutive amount of time that I've lived out of a hotel.

Hotel living is kind of odd.

I never feel completely comfortable, mainly because I am always thinking about people that have walked on this carpet before me.

Someone that's used this shower before me.

And the sheets.

And the towels.

I'm not a germaphobe by any means, but just the thought that possibly hundreds of people have been through here just kind of grosses me out.

And I know - the housekeepers come through and vacuum and put in clean sheets everyday, but even that in itself is weird.

I mean, imagine (for those of us who don't have maids or butlers or servants) someone coming in to your house every afternoon, replacing the sheets and pillows on your bed and giving you new towels for the next day? Kind of weird.

Over this past road trip, and right now, I have stayed in a La Quinta (good for the money), Westin (terrible for the money), Sheraton (also terrible), Hampton Inn (pretty good) the Oxford Inn - which was also nice, and now the Residence Inn - which is probably the best I've been in over the past week.

The nice thing about this Residence Inn is that they do a free breakfast (and not the standard continental kind - the better than IHOP kind) and on top of that they do free beer and dinner from 5:30 to 7:30.

We have taken full advantage of the breakfast and dinner (and beer for me) for the past 2 nights that we've been here.

Who wouldn't? I mean breakfast at the cheapest is usually $8 for us - if we're eating at a place like McDough - and Dinner is at the cheapest twice as much. Why not save the money and eat off the hotel's dime?

I personally was questioning how they could afford feeding us two meals a day. I mean, there are 4 floors in this building with at least 50 rooms per floor. That's a lot of effing mouths to feed. (And a lot of beer and wine too!)

Another thing for me about feeling weird in hotel living is that I know it's temporary. I know I won't be here for even longer than 2 weeks. And knowing that, I can't really make it my own. It's definitely not my furniture. And I'm not going to tack up any posters on the wall or play my music as loud as I want to. There are people across the hall and above me that I've obviously got to be considerate to.

Tomorrow is the wife's first day on the job.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself (or with the dog) while she's gone. She's taking the only car to work...and there really isn't much around here for me to do.

I'm thinking of walking to starbucks to day trade there.

At least I can get away from this hotel for a bit. And get out and walk around.

The whole free breakfast/dinner/beer thing I think is starting to show up on my gut. It's been more than 2 weeks now since I've broken a sweat from exercising for more than 30 minutes.

I mean, what is the first thing you do when you get in to a hotel room for the first time? After unpacking and unloading? For me, it's turning on the TV to see what channels they have in the area. Fox on channel 10! TNT on channel 28! Crazy! Heh.

And of course, you get all the premium channels you always want for yourself at home but never will splurge the extra $8 a month for.

I can't imagine how people who travel on a normal basis do it. I wonder at which point they get used to seeing different cities and experiencing different hotels.

I know for sure that I haven't reached it yet.

Random Thoughts on Moving...

...From one coast to another.

By car.

Over 5 days.

These past few days are probably one of the most amazing feats I will have ever accomplished.

I have seen it. I have seen this great land of ours. And I have stayed in a few hotels. And filled up with many expensive tanks of gas.

There is a lot to write. But not so much time.

Now that I'm on eastern standard time everything is later. I am watching an interesting Celtics vs. Hawks game right now at almost 11 pm. Where as on the West coast I would've just been settling in after dinner - I'm assuming I'll be struggling to keep my eyes open to watch Atlanta pull off what should've been a "sure thing" for Boston.

We left on Thursday afternoon.

We forgot stuff.

Our vacuum.

Her makeup.

My toothbrush and shampoo.

And I'm sure a few other things we won't realize that we forgot until we actually move in to a place.

She picked me up from work on Thursday. What a terrible day to go out on. Semi-sunny. On the verge of what I love best about the Northwest: The summers.

The plan was to go to Spokane that night. About 50 miles in to the trip we were out past Issaquah when I realized that we only had another 3,000 miles to go. The task seemed very daunting at that point. Almost impossible.

(They are showing the preview for the lakers/nuggets game right now on TV. I won't be able to watch because it's going to start at 11 pm out here).

But Spokane was fine. Looking back on it 250 miles in an afternoon is almost laughable now.

Friday was the hardest day. Well, it got harder as the days wore on. I honestly never want to make that drive again. We drove from Spokane, WA to Rapid City, SD on Friday. All of more than 900 miles. More than 12 hours in the car. 3 full tanks of gas at an average of 320 miles per tank.

Idaho was short. A bit of a climb, but other than that, no biggie.

Montana was terrible. There is nothing there. Nothing to look at. Not even cars. And rolling storm systems. That you can see as you approach. Giant dark, gray clouds hovering on the horizon. The gusts of wind pushing us all over I-90. Big climbs to some nice elevation and snow and hail raining down all over us. If there is one place in this country I will never live, it would probably be out in the boonies of Montana. How people do it is beyond me.

It's only bright spot? The Testicle Festival. I'll let those interested in it look that up.

Wyoming wasn't much better. In fact, for those of you in Seattle ever thinking of making this wild trek out East - there is a section between Montana and Wyoming where there is not ONE gas station for about 120 miles. We finally arrived at a gas station with less than .8 of a gallon in our tank left. About 24 miles. Fumes. I have no idea how travelers can make that every time - I consider us lucky (and there were a lot of other people at that gas station who looked pretty scared too).

And South Dakota? Well at least we were finally stopping for the night. I was feeling a bit stir-crazy by the time we pulled in to the La Quinta in Rapid City. The wind had been whipping us pretty hard and I remember saying that it felt like I had lived through 4 days in the span of one after seeing all of that weather - and all of that road...

And you know how you could tell I was getting crazy?

Because I thought we could pull 2 more 900 mile days over the weekend and be in Charleston on Sunday night. No way the wife was having it. And really it wouldn't have made any difference anyway. So we decided to take it a bit slower.

Saturday things started picking up a bit.

The plan was to drive from Rapid City to Kansas City or possibly Saint Louis. After the ridiculous drive on Friday we ended up heading to Kansas City.

The drive became more interesting. Suddenly things started getting greener. And with the green came the cities and towns. People! Cars on the road! It was all very exciting. Iowa was our first touch of green. Missouri was probably one of the most beautiful (overall) states we drove to and through.

We stopped for the night in Kansas City at the Westin. Balling at the 4 diamond resort. We were completely underwhelmed.

On Sunday morning we left for either Nashville or Knoxville.

But unfortunately the directions we got from the hotel staff (again - Westin in Kansas City completely not worth the money) were wrong. So we ended up driving south for a bit too long and had to turn around. That hour of being lost would end up being a huge frustration for us throughout the day.

Still in Missouri for most of the day we were enjoying the area when we came along a ridiculous detour. Regretfully the maps that were provided to us don't include all the changes to certain roads (and interstates especially!) and it being spring there was a big closure on the 64 East running to Saint Louis from Kansas City.

The detour had me taking at least 3 different interstates to get where I was going. And there were signs everywhere pointing us in every direction. I am amazed we didn't get lost again at that point. If there had been heavier traffic, watch out.

To the residents of Seattle: Go check out Saint Louis. I think they copied us! They've got something that looks like the Viaduct, and then they've got their baseball stadium right next to their "viaduct" too! Biters.

We pulled over after downtown Saint Louis at an exit - "Kingshighway". Note to self: Anything with the name of "King" (which I soon realized was named after MLK - I think) is automatically going to be the ghetto. We were waiting in a popeye's drive through and I've never had so many people staring at me before.

I hate to admit it, but I was scared (in the daylight too).

We hauled ass out of there (and ate our Popeye's on the road).

We stopped for the night in Nashville. Or so we thought. We couldn't find a place that would take dogs, or that would be cheap enough for us. (The company is covering our hotel costs and wants the nightly charges to be "reasonable")

I was irritated because I had a feeling that something like this would happen...and I had wanted to go to Knoxville that night (another 170 miles up the road). We ended up in Cookesville, which really wasn't that bad. Except for the fact that I could now feel the humidity beating down on me. I could feel it stuffing up my lungs and my nose. I can feel it on my neck.

It's been tough (after all of the 2 days we've been down here in the South) getting used to the accents. I hate having to ask people to repeat themselves, but there are just times (like out at dinner tonight) where I have no idea what is being said to me.

Tennessee is gorgeous. Where I thought Missouri had a lot of green to offer, I think I was just a little bit biased after driving through the bad lands.

All the trees and all the green grass on the sides of the freeway really makes for some relaxing driving. At least as relaxing as it can be when you're trying to make it cross country in less than a week.

North Carolina (what little I saw of it) was amazing. The path you take to get to South Carolina drives you right through a national forest. Lots of winding roads a few tunnels - and we arrived at probably the 2nd best time (spring instead of fall) as a lot of the leaves and flowers were just starting to bloom.

Well done on my allergies on that note.

And throughout the entire trip, we brought the Seattle weather with us. Gray clouds, rain, hail and snow followed us everywhere we went. I honestly believe that it was sunny on us - meaning the sun peaked through the clouds at us, for about 3-4 hours during our 50 hour drive. It was terrible.

I shook my head this morning in Tennessee when I saw a weather report that said, "Unseasonably cold and wet" in the South. Which means this is abnormal for this time of year.

Sorry guys. We brought the crappy weather with us from up North. I hope things turn around soon though.

So here I sit, writing on my bed in the Sheraton about 5 miles outside of downtown Charleston. We'll be looking at our condo tomorrow (and hopefully we like it - we don't really have a choice at this point) and we should be signing a lease to keep us here at least until Halloween.

I've got a lot about this area I've got to learn. And of course there's tons of new things to experience. Hopefully there won't be any time left for me to miss home.

I’d rather be snowboarding

I have nothing I'd like to post up for tonight, although I found this post listed as one of my "drafts". I first started writing this back in October of 2005, and have added to it a bit tonight:

My feet are cold. This word document looks cold. It’s white and black. Little blue links on the side. There are lots of things that make me happy. But right now the thing that would make me happiest would be to be night snowboarding.

The rats inside the walls of my parent’s house scurry from left to right. It is gross. Sometimes I hear them fight and squeak and fall in to heating ducts, scrapping and scratching against dry wall and metal. They have a way of getting in here from the outside I think, but they’re asleep now. Unlike the rats I am not asleep. They sound like huge badgers too, I forgot to cook rice for tomorrow *smacks forehead* maybe they’ll eat my rice. Just checked the rice, it’s still there. No signs of eating. Enough for lunch tomorrow.

I’m not wearing a coat or any waterproof gear, but if I was snowboarding, I would be.

I’m not outside enjoying the fresh mountain air, but if I was snowboarding I would be.

I’m not doing anything athletic, but if I was snowboarding I would be.

I’m not complaining about moguls, oh wait…nope, I’m not. “” (repeat)

There are plenty of places to snowboard, but I’m not there.

There’s not snow in many places, it’s too early in the season.

Some places, like BUTTE Montana got 4 inches of snow last week, suckers, all that snow and no boarding.

The first time I ever half snowboarded was on a thin sheet of ice about a block away from my parents house. In 7^th grade Willy Hindeman (where is he now?) lent me his board and it was like standing on a narrow sled because my feet were too big for his boots he wasn’t willing (thanks willy) to take off anyway, so I was trying my best to keep them in the bindings. That taste was enough for me, and skiing looked like too much work.

There are REALLY COOL people that bomb down the mountain out of control and maybe hit people that fall and then everyone gets hurt.

Once I went off this jump and almost drowned in snow because my head landed in a huge snow pile after I did a half flip and then didn’t know which way was up.

When I rub my head with my hands it looks like little snowflakes falling, like they do in the mountains sometime when I’m snowboarding.

I once got high at Whistler in one of those bubble gondola type things. I don’t recommend getting high and snowboarding. Amazing that’s such part of the culture.

Some people get high, bomb down the mountain and listen to their Ipod at the same time. These people are basically my Gods.

I used to fall off the lift at the top all the time. Since everyone else doesn’t fall there it is a hard pack of ice. Falling when you get off the lift hurts.

Most people go to sleep without telling you. I go snowboarding without telling most people I know.

My mom makes good soup and biscuits for us when we get home from snowboarding. I like listening to depressing emo music after snowboarding too.

My last two instant messages to people read as follow: Hey call me when you get a chance. Did you see the penis? These people are obviously not snowboarding.

I would never be a professional snowboarder. Those guys think doing amazing tricks and getting “major air” is awesome. Getting paid to do that is not my style. Maybe in the near future people will say, “Man! You should go pro!” and just them saying that alone will be enough payment for me.

I have a 3 inch long cut on my head. It would’ve been cooler to say I got this snowboarding.

I just told another person that she likes penis after she saw the drawing that someone made on her wall on facebook of a guy holding his wang job. She obviously isn’t snowboarding right now.

The first time I did a toe-turn I was going way too fast, but I hung on and was screaming at no one afterwards. I will remember that feeling forever.

I taught my sister to snowboard. She is amazing. I guess you could say she taught herself, but I wish I could take some credit.

Here’s how most of my advice went my first time at Whistler: “If you feel like you’re falling, dig in and lean back”. For two years I dug in and leaned back. My thighs hurt just thinking about it. To this day I can't help but revert to my old ways. Almost everyone that I know that snowboards has graduated to the "intermediate plus" runs and I hate when the mountain is so steep that I'm basically falling right down it. I apologize to everyone for not keeping up. I don't like to bite it super hard.

A girl who likes to snowboard is hot. Hopefully not so much that it melts the snow. The problem with women and snowboarding is mainly the clothing. Almost everyone looks the same with snow gear on. And you don't want to be one of those annoying girls that wears all pink do you? If I was a woman I wouldn't want to be. Big snow pants, a big jacket and a beanie can make a lot of women look like 15 year old boys. Or maybe I'm just crazy. So crazy that I seen teenage boys when I go snowboarding. But there seems to be a higher population of those types up on the mountain. I sit there and quietly wonder to myself while waiting in line at the lift - "Boys - how did you get up here? Are your parents off skiing somewhere? Shouldn't you be in the park going off jumps with that crazy helmet of yours? How did you get the money to do this? Even I can hardly afford it." That's about all I think of them. When I might actually be accidentally thinking that about a woman I was looking at but couldn't tell.

I saw this thing on FSN where guys sand board and board down volcanoes. The second one you can die from. I understand you can die from basically anything but putting yourself in to a higher probability of death rarely makes sense. Not only did they show guys boarding down volcanoes, they also showed a bunch of guys boarding down sand dunes. That I probably wouldn't want to do either. Mainly because sand is really hard to get out of your hair. And your ears. For those that have spent some quality time at a beach resort - and hopefully played beach volleyball or tackle football know that sand basically gets everywhere. And it doesn't go away for a few days. You know what the worst is though? Is when you're chewing on something, and then all of a sudden...*grrriiittt* you bite in to sand. Now maybe you're eating a clam that you just dug up. That's expected. But maybe you were out flying a kite at the beach and your first bite in to your filet mignon that night opens up like sand paper. Terrible.

Someone should just make a machine where right after you come back from the beach, you step in to this cube and it sucks all of the sand off of you. There's gotta be a machine like that.

You know how on TV and YouTube or whatev - they've got those bulldogs or dogs that skateboard? Show me a dog that snowboards. That would be awesome. I don't think my dog could do it. We'd have to basically get her an enlarged popsicle stick for it to work. And even then she'd probably be way too cold to figure out what the F she was doing out there. Hah! It makes me laugh imagining her wearing a giant snow coat. Made especially for her of course.

If I had the opportunity to live in a cabin for about 2 months, like walking distance from a lift? Maybe in Tahoe? I would do that. In fact, I think that'll be one of my goals in life. Would be to just hang out in a cabin all winter. Maybe by the time I have enough money to do that they'll come up with some new fangled way to snowboard. Maybe instead of having to heel and toe all the way down the hill they could come up with some sort of motorized way to do it for us lazy types that just enjoy the feeling of speeding down a hill. Maybe. The future is wild though.

Can I just say something? Snowboarding would be better than chatting on AIM and posting in this stupid blog. 100 times better. The end.

You Made It.

On the eve of my 26^th birthday – I couldn’t find 3 better words to fit the given situation. Knowing the situation, a good friend of mine – thanks D – wrote those words in a card. Perfect.

See, the whole premise was that I would pass on – more specifically die somehow – after 25 years of life.

I’ve probably written this before, but whatever. Back when I was in my late teens I was living a pretty unhealthy (and somewhat dangerous) life. Now I’m sure that most kids go through this phase. They test themselves – see what kind of limits their bodies hold up. But I am sure there were nights during those years where I basically got very lucky to live through to see the next morning. Looking back at it now I just have to shake my head and laugh at what an idiot I was – as I’m sure I will do the older I get.

For right now though, I’ve got my favorite boxers on for my birthday tomorrow, and of course I’m wearing my “World’s Greatest Grandma” t-shirt. Perfect for me. Assuming I don’t somehow go through cardiac arrest in the next hour and a half, I’m going to be solid.

26. Time for me to leave the mid 20s and enter in the mid to late 20s. How sad.

I was just talking with someone the other day about how when I was in 5^th or 6^th grade (like one of my neighbor’s children) I used to look at people in their 20s as ancient. Dinosaurs. Now that dinosaur is me.

And I’m feeling it.

2 months ago I jammed my thumb in a basketball game. 6 to 8 years ago, I would’ve done the same thing and within 2 weeks it would’ve been good as new. To this day, 8 weeks later my thumb still hurts. And part of me is worried I broke it.

In a flag football game 3 weeks ago I jumped and dove for a ball that flew through my outstretched arms and landed squarely on my right hip. Even last night when I rolled on to that hip I could feel an inkling of pain.

Getting old sucks. I want to take my brain and trade it in for a new body please. Unless somehow this body is going to get better. But honestly I feel like I’ve now passed my prime. Sad.

I wanted to touch on the past a bit. Because annual things always make me want to reminisce over what’s happened over the past year. And for that, I’m going to skim through my blog post from my last birthday.

And skimming through that post, I realize that it sucked. Damn.

Anyway, I’m going to try and put myself in a frame of mind from April 16, 2007.

One year ago:

-I was accompanying the wife to her running lessons. What a waste of money. We got to see a lot of cool trails around the area though.

-Virginia Tech shooting. Absolutely ridiculous.

-My left eye was twitching (my belief is because of stress). It twitches on and off now. But not as much as it did a year ago.

-The stress was caused by:

1) Losing a few people in my department and having to pick up the slack. Since then we’ve switched managers and have become a lot more efficient. Still there are days…

2) Applying for a home equity line of credit (for money I could use to invest) through Citigroup, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, and finally settling with BECU. I love you BECU. You gave me everything I wanted with no hassle at all. Citigroup and Bank of America you guys were terrible.

3) Studying for a technical certification exam that basically became worthless in the summer anyway.

-Being excited about the DC/New York City trip. For all of the excitement/anticipation that I had built up about the trip, it definitely lived up to it.

Now of course there were plenty of other things that happened throughout the past year. But I think I’ll save that for my new year’s post – coming in only 8 months! Wild.

For my 27^th birthday I want to look back on this post and know the mentality I was in as I was turning 26. So here are some quick notes on my frame of mind:

-This is going to be my first real recession. I have never worked (read: had a full time “real” job) through a recession. And it’s going to impact me a lot more than the average Joe because I play the market. Finding a scalable position.

-The market. Wow. Enough said.

-South Carolina. A minimum of 6 months away from home. (For the first time ever!) Leave from a solid job.

-Stoked about the Europe trip. Not stoked about the USD to Euro conversion.

-Just finished helping build a fence. First fence ever built. Along those lines – owning properties (plural) can be a major pain in the ass. Especially when you won’t be living in either of them.

-Getting cysts on my neck and armpit removed on Thursday. I’m hoping they’re not very serious (they shouldn’t be).

-I love rec sports. I always have but right now in my current frame of mind I realize how much joy they add in to my daily life.

I’ve got a lot of things on my plate for right now – which I’m sure will be coming in the next post (I wrote a beginning and middle to the post…but yeah).

My wish for 26 – and this might seem boring, but for tonight it sounds pretty nice – is to put myself on cruise control.

I’ve always felt that I have a pretty strong sense of a life plan. What I’m going to do in life and how I’m going to get there.

At this point in life, I think I’ve arrived at a point where the vehicle is up to speed – and all it takes is a push of a button and you can let everything else do the work while you enjoy the scenery. That sounds very pleasing to me right now.

How I’m living right now, I can handle that from now until about my mid 40s. Life is just dandy and the good times outweigh the bad.

Happy 26^th to me. I made it. I honestly couldn’t foresee myself getting to this point even 8 years ago. But here I am. And I can almost guarantee now that I’ll certainly be here for many years to come.

Rando Notes March 2008

It’s been over 6 months since I bought my laptop. I love it. And believe it or not, this is the first time I’ll be posting from it. I don’t know why I haven’t done this before. I guess it helped me concentrate when I was writing up on my desktop in my office.

Along with another first, I am watching opening day for the Seattle Mariners as I type this. We are in the top of the 6^th – Bedard made it through 5 innings but had a pretty high pitch count. He gave up 1 home run and we’re currently down 1 to nothing. I was telling the wife this weekend that I planned on watching at least 162 full games this year. Which equates to about 30 full days of watching baseball.

They’re all in HD so I figure, why not. Plus the “experts” predicted that the M’s will end the season atop our division – which is perennially strong. We’ve finally got the pitching.

In about the 3^rd inning I was already starting to fall asleep. Had to have a sugar injection to keep me going. A brownie, part of a doughnut and a glass of milk later – here I am. I’m glad to be here instead of at the game – it’s about 30 degrees and snowing out in Seattle right now. At the end of freaking March. Unbelievable. I’m going to remember this – we got about 4 inches of snow on Saturday night which was the 29^th.

I really need a laptop desk. Right now I’m using one of our couch’s throw pillows. It really heats up the laptop. And the only reason I’m using the pillow is because I’ve heard the heat from the laptop can really kill your soldiers. And since we haven’t pumped out any children yet – I figure it’s best to protect them as much as possible.

My ears have been pretty itchy lately. I’m not sure what’s going on. I think it’s allergies. Suck. I need to go see an ENT doc to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to go before our trip to Europe because the pain in my ear is excruciating when we fly. To describe the pain in my ear when I fly (from the pressure – apologize if I’ve done this before) it’s almost as if someone is taking a nail, and jamming it down my ear. But not down my ear like a q-tip, but down my ear like towards the sides of my neck. Scrapping all of the sides of my ear on the way down.

Just the thought of that pain makes me cringe.

Sweet the Mariner’s just scored. Tie ball game. Only 161 games to go. Heh.

And to top it all off – I also signed up for a fantasy baseball league. Basically my life is over. I’ve never paid that close of attention before, but now that I’ve got players on my team, and I’ve got pride and money on the line, I’ve got to pay a lot more attention than just catching a game every now and then.

Speaking of sports – and another oddity – for the big dance this year all 4 number 1 seeds made it to the final four. Davidson made a solid run at it but sputtered in the elite 8. Still a solid showing. UNC, Kansas, Memphis and UCLA. All very strong teams. Should be a good final 4.

Today was excruciatingly boring at work. Literally I was looking at my monitor and in pain over how bored I was. Even the thing I have loved doing lately – and that’s trading – was a bit boring. I even had a swing of almost $1500 today. What’s wrong with me?

How can I seriously think that I want to do this full time, when I’m bored of doing it just part time? *sigh*

There’s a website I just joined – it’s like marketocracy.com but with less requirements on how you invest and better geared towards the facebook type crowd. It’s called updown.com. They give you a million dollars to invest and you “compete” against other people on the boards and share investing ideas. After almost a week of using a million dollars to invest I have made $40K. And that’s just buying and shorting stocks. Not playing options like I actually do. This is what I want to do. I want to put together a million dollars to trade. In my opinion it would be pretty easy for me to make a solid yearly return. So if anyone reading this knows someone who might be willing to invest with me, please contact me. If there’s something that interests me – it’s making returns not only for myself, but possibly for others. I want to start a fund!

It’s tough waiting for summer. Something about the weather has been pissing me off lately. Today was a perfect example of it. The whole day – from the time I can see the sky around 7:30 am all the way up until about 2 pm or later – it’s clear out, and dry. But somehow, God (or the people who control the weather and hate me) decide to move the clouds in and start dumping on us. And normally it wouldn’t be that big of a deal – but I like to take the dog out for her daily walk. It’s as much of a walk for her as it is for me. I get to calm down a little bit from my day at work – and I can set my mind at ease since my dog has done her duty and will be good for the next few hours.

And I know; this doesn’t happen every day. And I know that it’s still basically winter. But still, when I see a pattern develop – or when I’m on the way home and the raindrops start falling on my windshield – I get so pissed off. Seriously, it couldn’t rain a drop while I was at work? But as soon as I leave or I’m on my way home it starts coming down? Terrible.

During our walk today, I was thinking about my self-worth. I was thinking about how much more I could be contributing to a company. How my own perception of my abilities and talents were currently being wasted in the position I was working in. And how the other side of me really didn’t care. I’m in a position where I am now considered a veteran – where major overhauls and changes aren’t always coming down the pipeline – where I can leave every day and know that I don’t have to bring any work home with me…it’s safe. And it’s easy. But could, or should I be doing more with myself? Should I be challenging myself or be putting myself in more stressful positions to prove at the least to myself – my own self-worth?

That’s too deep of thinking for me right now. It being almost the 7^th inning stretch now.

This past weekend I helped to build my very first fence. It’s about halfway done and I’m pretty proud of the work we’ve done so far – especially with what we did in the freezing hail. It’s looking like we’ll be staying in this house for some time. So as long as our raises continue to beat inflation and we stay healthy we should be just dandy.

I keep seeing all of these advertisements for mobile internet from Qwest, AT&T, Verizon, etc. I really want that for some reason. I know that there’s free wi-fi almost anywhere I go now. But just seeing these guys out on the beach and doing work looks so awesome to me. I want to be that guy with his toes in the sand and watching the waves roll in.

I better stop writing…the laptop is starting to get nice and toasty. I apologize the post was somewhat boring – but that’s my life right now. And really, I don’t mind it at all.

The Bear Stearns Diet

And if you’re not sure what that means, just take a look at the following chart.

OMGsh

I think March is going to be “short post month”.

Today, the streak of terrible eating (diet) stopped for me. Finally.

I don’t know what it was. I had enough time to cook. I always have my parent’s house that I can swing by and eat something somewhat healthy. I always have the option to eat something healthy when I go out. But I just never did. From Wednesday the 12^th of March to yesterday, the 16^th, I ate some of the most terrible foods for myself – and really for no good reason. It was almost as if I was on a road trip, yet right at home the whole time.

The Rundown:

On Wednesday night (wow – can you remember what you ate last Wednesday? I can) the wife had her EMMMBA class and I was lifting and watching the UW basketball game – terrible season fellas. Unfortunately it was running a bit long, and the whole time I was watching I was trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. And the longer I waited the longer I realized it was going to take me too long to cook. I also had to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy – which I knew would take some time – so I figured, what the f – I’ll go out for dinner while I’m waiting to get my prescription filled.

The wife talked about eating a jumbo jack for lunch that day when she had gotten home from work. So at that point I was craving them. Never has the gas station JITB on 128^th failed me. It was the old western jamboorjoor hangout. This time, it was terrible. The food tasted like cardboard. They didn’t have any barbeque sauce for my jumbo jack. A skinhead showed up and watched me eat while he smoked outside. I was sitting there waiting for him to bust out his 9 and shoot the place up (including me). He ended up ordering a sourdough jack.

On Thursday I had an options investing seminar to go to from 6-9 pm. And I was out of gas in my car so I went to fill up at Costco – 5% back woot! Go figure, might as well stop and get their delicious hot dogs and a slice of pizza. I regret the pizza. It was old and burnt from sitting under the warming lamps for too long. The hot dog was good as usual. I apologize to Kong for possibly having hot dog/onion breath. Absolutely terrible.

Friday we had “employee appreciation day!” which meant that I got a KKD (Krispy Kreme Doughnut) first thing as I walked in the door. At 6:30 am. It took me almost 6 hours to get the whole thing down. Way too sweet for me. Made me feel so sick I couldn’t finish it. One chocolate glazed KKD. Please revoke my man card. On top of the doughnut we also received a free cafeteria lunch. Basically the only thing that’s offered in our cafeteria is heart attack fare. Which is why I only buy food there once a month. I had a cheeseburger and deep fried onion rings. And replaced the mayo with tartar sauce. And dipped my rings in tartar. I love tartar.

From a long hard day at work and a major calorie overload, I came home to nap. When the wife and I woke up from the nap we decided we were hungry again so we rushed and just beat the clock in making it to McMenamin’s early happy hour. 1 pitcher of porter, 2 baskets of tater tots, and 2 corndogs later I was stuffed. And at this point is when I started realizing what I had been doing to myself…but I continued to let it slide…

Saturday I made it all the way to lunch before succumbing to the terribleness that is American food. KFC. 3 piece meal, mashed potatoes and gravy, baked beans and a biscuit. And throw a few hundred more calories on top of it all to wash it down with some root beer. The wife wanted to try one of those grill wrap things and it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had KFC so I decided to give it a shot. Didn’t regret it. Grill wrap wasn’t as good as it looked though.

Saturday night we were scrambling for what to do for food before our comedy show, so we baked up a frozen generic combo pizza from Albertson’s. Well done 400 calories a slice. I ate 2.

That night, when we got to the show, we found the early showing was sold out. So we drank. I had 7 coors lights. And washed that down with a “full order” of nachos. The “full order” is really meant for a minimum of 2 people. Luckily I had 4 to help me out. I wasn’t even that hungry, it being that I had just eaten pizza less than 2 hours ago.

And of course, one of the people we picked up to come to the show with us lives up the street from Dick’s, so we had to stop in at 1:30 am that night to pick up 1 deluxe, 3 specials and fries. I only have 1 special of all of that left. Taunting me from the fridge.

Sunday morning. McDonald’s sausage mcmuffin (forgot to say egg! D’oh!) and hashbrown. After complaining that the regular sausage mcmuffin wasn’t as good as the sausage egg mcmuffin, I stood up and got one. 800 calorie breakfast. Awesome.

Just thinking about all the shit I’ve thrown down my pie hole…makes me want to eat spinach for a few days. Even after just getting out of the shower just thinking about all of this terrible food makes me feel dirty…inside.

Now to completely change topics but to remain under the same subject heading:

Bear sterns is awesome.

This would probably be the best article to read on it.

Here’s what I heard on NPR on the drive home:

1) Bear sterns had leveraged themselves at a 28 to 1 ratio. TWENTY EIGHT! You idiots! You deserve to go down in flames. The fact that JPM and the fed are stepping in to help you avoid bankruptcy is terrible. I don’t care! Let the financial system break! You fuckers broke it!

*breathe*

1a) Any good gambler knows about bankroll control. Obviously it didn’t get up to the people playing with billions of dollars.

2) Just like the article I’ve linked here, Bear Sterns 14,000 employees made up over 30% of the value of the stock. Some of the employees were invested in the stock for 100% of their retirement accounts. How ironic is that? An employee of an investment banking firm investing 100% of their RETIREMENT fund in their own company? Hahahahah! That is absolutely hilarious! I want to laugh out loud right now, but it’s late. And I am a bastard because I know there is some Joe Schmoe out there who has given 40 years of his life to the company and has seen 40 years of precious savings SQUANDERED in literally 3 days. Caveat emptor pal. Dumbasses *cough*

3) Here comes the domino effect. And it’s been one long domino effect since a year ago when LEND fell. That was the red flag. Unfortunately I haven’t shorted like I would have liked to (I’m sure there are those out there who have become extremely wealthy from our financial system’s demise) but I’m hoping to catch one sooner or later. Maybe Citi again? Lehman?

4) I can’t wait to see the looks on those smug i-banking bastards. Yeah, you were making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year…by adding almost NO value whatsoever! I am going to do a little dance for you all when the layoffs come.

1b) I know it’s out of order – just remembered I wanted to write this: So, given my trading bank roll, I am using 100% of the equity in my home. Let’s say a bank gave me 28 to 1 leverage on my equity. That would mean I could play TWO MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS in the market based on the value of my home.

I am in awe.

These are amazing times. I’m glad I’m alive to witness all the change that happens every day.

A Prayer

Just like my new year’s resolution said (right?) – I wanted to pray more.

And I have been. And in its own little way, it’s helped.

Today was somewhat depressing for me – by no means did I have a terrible day at all (there have been much worse) but the world just seemed to beat on me a bit.

So to help me calm down, another short March post. And included; a prayer I’m going to write out, instead of saying in my head:

Dear Lord (because it reads better than “God” to me),

My life is better than I could have imagined it for myself years ago. I am in great health and surrounded by people that provide me strength and love. Thank you for that.

But something in me just won’t quit until I can achieve every thing I set my mind to. And at times, they can be in a direct conflict with my own will power.

Please help me handle my own struggles within myself.

I know I must learn that there are things that are out of my control and as much as I try to deny them I know they will continue on.

Please help me accept the struggles outside of myself and allow me to not be so burdened with the weight of it all. I know you are there to help me carry this. Thank you.

Please help me realize that life is the longest marathon I will ever run. Show me how to take a longer term view of life and show me that the things I do on a daily basis are just a small portion – one step of that marathon. Help me slow down and calm my hyperactive mind.

Place me in the state of contentment. At times it has been hard to find.

Thanks for all you do, we’ll talk again soon.

Seth

I Miss

Ugh

So I didn’t hit 4 posts last month. I am distraught. I literally didn’t want to post all of March for what am embarrassment I am to myself. Not even able to keep up with my 4 posts per month rule. Terrible.

I wanted to make this a short post, because I wanted to go to sleep somewhat early tonight.

And I was watching a special on PBS (nerd) on Deepak Chopra (super nerd) tonight and he was talking about things past and future. And for some reason that struck a chord with me. He said something about what you see when you close your eyes when you think of these things.

The reason that this post is entitled “I miss” is because each of the following points should start with that phrase.

-My parents. It’s so odd because they literally live minutes from me. I feel like ever since college, or maybe high school, or maybe ever – we’ve never really connected. Sure, we talk about our things in common, but it’s been rare that I’ve ever had that deep conversation with either of them.

-Sparks. Fireworks. I miss feeling like there were these magical explosions around my head during those kisses. I miss the dogged excitement.

-Paying rent. Or not paying rent or a mortgage at all.

-Having only a savings account.

-Having somewhat straight teeth.

-My cousins. Playing football. Or playing basketball. Or just hanging out.

-My church friends. I remember screaming “Love ya!” across an auditorium to them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that close to anyone outside of my family.

-All of my past (and mostly quirky) coworkers. Although you may not remember me, I definitely still remember most of you.

-The IMA. Having Don Jones drive me in the Datsun B210 which I bought for him. Going down to the gym almost 4 nights a week to play basketball for close to 3 hours every time. Flag football with blocking.

-Long, sunny afternoons at Denny field when me and the guys would skip out on studying calculus in the Math Study Center and ball it up until the lights turned on…and then turned off.

-Being able to wake up at 10:30 am on weekdays because I didn’t have class until noon. Or didn’t want to go to class at all.

-Working part time and wearing sweats to work.

-Having my own bed. With only the comforter on it. And having my computer next to my own bed.

Ish

I just realized that I’ve got less than 3 days left to this month – Well done February, you short month! Even with leap year extension (which I will try to post on since I find it such an odd day) you still seem like a short month!

And now I’ve doomed myself and the next few days are going to drag.

Since I had nothing to write, and I was trying to think of interesting things to write about on here (I try to keep it as interesting as possible for my future self to read) I wanted to write about my analysis on the most inner workings of my self. My shit. Poop. Excrement. Waste. Admit it, I think everyone does their own study (admiration?) of their daily (or in some cases weekly) BMs.

In some sick, twisted sort of way, I’ve come to learn and almost have a certain pride for my waste at times.

I’ve tried my best to categorize most of them here:

-The reason I came up with this post is because of what occurred to me this evening. It is the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop. This evening, while sitting on the couch, I felt like I had the urge to go (it would’ve been my 2^nd of the day - #2 #2 if you will). So I got up, went to the toilet, sat down, let out a semi large fart, and then…nothing. But I could feel something down there. Some sort of blockage. So for 5 minutes I squeezed. And thought about how much it sucked. And a little malformed niglet plopped in to the toilet. Swimming around and laughing at my struggle. There was still more. But I was tired. And I didn’t want to push anymore. And I had already had a successful BM when I got home from work. So after some rocking back and forth on the toilet - sometimes sitting up straight or bending all the way forward – chest to the knees can work some extra out – I decided to secede and shower. Damn. I should’ve just farted and called it a night.

-The next poop is my standard poop. Roughly about 3 logs, all different lengths (but not by much), typically the first one to arrive is the longest. (I don’t know how I know this so don’t ask). Light brown, no squeezing required, all around satisfying and successful. That was the definition of the after work dump I made today.

-The “Holy Shit!” *fist pump* log. Take those 3 logs. Combine them in to one perfectly shaped floating mass. Something to be so proud of that you brag to your wife about it…So perfect that you don’t even have to wipe or wash your hands. That awesome.

-The snake. Per it’s namesake, it hits the bottom of the toilet and starts to coil around the bottom of the bowl…even the top of it looks like a snake’s head. Now if I could just put some eyes on it and maybe a tongue…It would be the brown cobra…

By the way, I am silently smirking to myself (because sometimes smirking includes a noise) and thinking about how really gross this is to be typing it out. It reminds me of the time my friends and I went to the gorge and instead of peeing in a port o potty (which actually this post was partially inspired by – a post on craig’s list) we all peed on a large boulder (women too) in the middle of this field at the Vantage campgrounds. Our final morning at the Gorge, I thought it would be funny to take a dump on it. One successful log later (and no toilet paper! It better have been good) and one old school camera – and I had had a nice laugh to myself.

It was a month later that I received the horrendous phone call about the picture being developed (I had already forgotten about it at this point) and how it had been immediately destroyed as the camera owner felt sick even touching the picture. Hah. Good times.

-The Bloody Wipe Poop. Capitalized for emphasis. You know the ones that come out (well maybe you don’t) where you just think to yourself, “There is no way this is coming out of me. It feels TOO WIDE!” But it just comes out anyway, ripping everything on the way out – kind of like if you stuck Edward Scissorhands inside of an enlarged toilet paper roll, with toilet paper covering both openings…Well not really. But yeah, the poops are much shorter than normal, but they’ve got girth. And you’re angry with them. And you promise yourself not to just eat steak and rice for 2 meals a day and immediately think about eating a salad before every meal from here on out.

-The “Make room for more!” poop. These occur after you’ve eaten at Olive Garden, Mongolian Grill, Chinese Buffet – actually any buffet for that matter, a happy hour that included half off of appetizers so you got quadruple the amount you would normally eat, Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas dinner…You ate a lot. So now something’s gotta move to make room for the new stuff. And it moves quickly. Like the subway was running behind schedule and is pushing through to make up for lost time. You know it’s one of these when you’re looking for a bathroom (or you are scared and uncomfortable in your car 20 minutes from home) literally minutes after putting your fork down.

-The food poisoning poop…water. I never want to go through this again. Nor will I wish it upon my worst enemies. To lose my ability to fart without fear? It was over! Every fart that I had came with a little gift. Kind of like the extras that they give away at Nordstrom’s after you’ve spent $200, but much less appealing. One night after a rotten hot dog in Vegas (Vegas of all places!) I woke up shivering, and then puked my guts out. After the hurling, I was on the toilet for the rest of the night. Then the rest of that morning. And couldn’t keep anything down. Severely dehydrated and exhausted, I could not control anything for the next 2 days. And every time I sat down to moon the porcelain gods, it was like my #1 and #2 got mixed up and now my #2 was going #1. Tonight I will actually pray that this never happens to me ever ever ever again.

-The morning after poop. Just like everything in the “morning after” this sucks too. Typically I was up late drinking to create one of these. And if I was up late drinking, I was probably eating crappy food too. Shit in, shit out. Go figure. The morning after dump sucks because it’s messy. My theory is that your body has been lying in a horizontal position for so many hours that your doo doo hasn’t had the proper affect of gravity upon it (squishing it in to a solid mass) – therefore spreading it out and making little lumps and lots of splashes. Add in the crappy food and all the liquids you drank the night before? Disaster. This is probably the dump that I take most where I am unhappy with either it, or myself. If it’s on a weekday, it makes me rush for work, so I can’t pay proper attention to it, or if it’s on the weekend, it’s just a shitty (pun) way to start the day. Actually, there’s even times where I have to hold it all the way to work on the weekdays – again squirming in my car - and then be unhappy in a disabled work stall (what, I work early). Thanks a lot morning after poop. You’re worthless in my book.

-The continuation poop. This is 2^nd in satisfaction only to the *fist pump* log. Here’s why it’s so great: You take the standard poop. You’re feeling pretty good. But then out of nowhere you get the urge to go some more, and typically about half to a fourth of the size of the standard poop comes out. Maybe you had a little dessert after dinner last night? Or maybe Mr. Poopy’s children didn’t want to get left behind? Anyway, great feeling, and almost the exact opposite of the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop.

And finally, since it’s my most surprising one:

-The discolored poop. It comes out in all colors. Maybe you ate beets? Maybe you drank a lot of red wine? But the most amazing ones I’ve had – and it rarely happens to me – maybe once or twice a year at most – is the solid green poop. I have no idea how it happens. (If I could figure out what I do/eat I would do it more often) I am not a vegetarian, and over the past year I can count on one hand how many meals I’ve had that did not have some form of meat in them. So when this arrives it is truly a miracle. I marvel at the sight for almost three times as long as the *fist pump* poop. Sometimes it’s out of worry for myself, other times it’s just out of pure wonder and amazement. How could I have made that? Part of me is writing this hoping that others will share their experience and that they too have popped out what looked like to be a ball of light green spinach. Because I have. And although I just wrote a post about my different poops, I don’t want to feel alone in this experience.

I am now done making a complete embarrassment of myself. For tonight.