I don't see the buses anymore

I know, my last post was a bit depressing...I'll try not to continue that trend. But I have to start off with this:

On my way to work this morning, and on the way to work every morning, I see the kids standing at the end of their respective drive ways, backpacks on shoulders, hair wet from the rain, some listening to head phones, others chatting, some on skateboards, others wearing clothes that are meant for people 5 times their weight...

And sometimes I get stuck behind a bus. Usually the wait isn't too bad. Kids are good about getting on and off buses, and most of the time I'm not behind the disabled bus. Thank God for not being disabled BTW.

I realized on the way to work that I soon wouldn't be seeing the kids in the coming week. Summer break is here. The last real summer I had was probably the best. The summer between 8th and 9th grade. And of course, here are my parents telling me to get a job...at 14? HAH. "Steve has a job". Well yeah, Steve worked basically illegally for family friends at the fruit market. Steve would come over and just hang. We would just sit there until something would come along. Bike down to thrashers? Great. Play basketball? Awesome. Toss the baseball if your dad can drive us to the Kirkland waterfront? Excellent. We get invited to ride on the jet skis of my neighbors? Wow. What a great time. What an excellent summer. All I worried about was mowing the lawn. Saturday? Ok. Mow the lawn.

Looking back now, I wasted so much time. Just sitting there. Watching TV. Watching at least 3 hours of TV a day. Hell. I had nothing else to do. I used to wake up to my mom watering the plants outside and just go sit out there in the morning sun in my boxers. 9:30 am. What a perfect time to wake up. And every night. Every night, it was mariners on TV. Dad BBQing. If I had even known that in a few years I would be working 8 hours a day while the sun came up and over my head, 70 degrees out and people going off the rope swing at Saint Ed's...if I had known that I would be stuck in a cubicle all that time I would've been going non stop those summers...because I guarantee I wasted about a quarter if not half of each summer I had.

So that's what I want. I want a summer. I want 3 long months. June 15th to September 15th. Sure, I'll go back after labor day. That's fine. I can compromise. June 15th to September 3rd or 4th...whatever the Tuesday is. In the working world that's what we would call a sebattical (sp) medical leave...am I pregnant? No. I just want the ability to just "hang". Maybe I should consider going back to being a poker pro...*heh*

Waterfights. July 4th. Baseball. Pick up basketball games. Girls in short skirts and tank tops. Washing and waxing the car. Sunsets at 10 pm. Ice cream. Tan skin. Sunglasses. Flip flops. Never looking at a calendar or a clock, no schedule whatsoever. Eating outdoors. Camping.

It's unrealistic. But it's a dream that I've lived before. If only I had known how good I had had it. Maybe some day I'll get another chance to experience that kind of freedom. That feeling of the last day of school. I thought I would get it before my 2 weeks of vacation at work...just wasn't the same.

It's late. I'm screwed for work tomorrow. Going to be very tired.

Detachment

I feel so far from everyone and everything

Today at work I maybe said 15-20 words to one of my coworkers

And that's when this feeling started to settle in, I'm hoping it will go away soon, but I'm afraid it won't. I drive to work alone every morning. Even if I took the bus, rarely would I meet someone that I could talk to normally on a daily basis.

I can't even hang out one on one with people for more than a few hours. I've lost a lot of my social skills I think. And I think I can see where it might be coming from.

Competition. Everything is a god damned competition to me. The simplest things become games in my head that I've got to win. If it has to do with something between you and I, I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that you are the loser. This attitude doesn't work very well in a casual social setting. I've tricked people in to making competitions of things by "betting on it". Something has always got to be riding on it for it to be worth anything to me. But that's not even it. I feel like it's enticing for others to "bet on it" against me.

Technology. The only time I talk to anyone outside of Michelle it's through email. It's someone reading this blog right now. It's the ICQ I send to my assistant manager who sits less than 5 feet from me. It's Nick chatting with me through IM. It's my cell phone. It's random people finding me on "myspace" and then trying to suddenly catch up on the last 6 years I haven't known them for. I'd say about once every 2 weeks do I actually get to spend quality time with a group of people, and this is important: When we're sober.

Alcohol/Drugs. Could I sit and just have a normal face to face conversation with the people I normally drink with, say, for two hours? I probably could. But it would be much easier if we were drunk or stoned. And to me, that's crazy. I didn't need that before I was however old when I started drinking. When I started drinking, suddenly, wow, I had an excuse to be the wild person I like to be. And most of the time, people are laughing?

I just now realized that wordpad doesn't have any spell check. And on that note, I will stop writing because I am afraid of grammatical and spelling errors. I would write more, but I am stopping. Because what I am writing is depressing. And I don't want to be uncomfortable socially. I don't want to have to drink to have a good time. I want to be able to talk to my friends in person. Short blog post, that's probably the only thing to be happy about. It's almost Tuesday.

Side Note:

I feel like discussing a few different things tonight. Thus the title of tonight's post.

Side note: I can see the moon through the trees from my computer room. The soft light from the lamp behind me somehow keeps me warm although I am only in my boxers. Warm showers and days that I work out make for a very nice rest. I can already feel my eyes begin to droop.

Side note: Everyone has something wrong about them. Figure out what yours is and stop complaining about it.

SN ((side note) for those not following along): 90 degrees and 80% humidity is unbearable to some. Some have to use aircon.

SN: Nail pops, AKA house settling AKA WHAT THE FUCK...are there burglars in my house who are going to kill me? *scared* They are annoying. I bet if I lived in a concrete house I would be A) cold B) not afraid of my wood house and it's nail pops. Every time I hear a freaking nail pop I think someone is behind me. Luckily the shimmer off the plexi glass window in front of me reassures me that no one is behind me with a sawed off shot gun, unregistered by Washington state, ski mask and all.

SN: Reference moon SN. The moon is sinking. I once watched it "set" into the ocean. It was one of the most romantic nights of my life.

SN: "Zero percent interest for 1-X years (X being less than infinity) does not mean you never have to pay it.

SN: Seth: Hey, what you doing
Nick: Nothing
Seth: Aight, I'm coming over
Nick: Aight
*4 minutes, 38 seconds later*
Nick: Holy shit! Did you run here?
Seth: No, big wheel yatch! *points to plastic tricycle in Nick's yard*
Nick: Shit, you look hot
Seth: Yeah, got a drink of water?
Nick: Yeah, come on in.
*tv is on, Seth and Nick sit down on couch*
Seth: So what'd you do today? Fucking work man, I just worked. That's it, and biked here.
Nick: Yeah, nothing really. *itches* Umm, just studied for CPA.
Seth: You lucky bastard...better not be cheater bastard on these shits.
*Seth and Nick watch TV for 1.3 hours as Seth gets up to leave midway through "celeb hottest couples on VH1"*

Seth: Aight, I'm heading home
Nick: See you later

*high five*

SN: Running is awesome. Girls who run are hot.

SN: I am fucking excited for Vegas. However, going with Michelle is like watching my parents go. Who is asleep at 10:30 pm on every night they are in Vegas? Michelle and my parents and the rest of the AARP that goes to Vegas for who knows what reason...

Reasons I would like to go with Random Guy A with $1500 instead of Michelle (who I will refer to from here on out as RGAW/$1.5K ):

RGAW/$1.5K doesn't sleep the first night in Vegas. He drinks and stumbles back to his room at 5 in the morning and pukes on a sick bastard who is excercising (read: running) on the strip. He is pleased. Michelle on the other hand is asleep.

RGAW/$1.5K gambles with his own money. Michelle does not.

RGAW/$1.5K might win. If RGAW/$1.5K wins money he either A) buys Seth drinks B) helps pay for the hotel C) buys Seth food. Michelle "might" do C) if it's $40 or less.

RGAW/$1.5K understands that flying to Vegas is just a necessary evil that he must endure for 2 hours down there and 2 hours back. Michelle cries and pukes and scares Seth and makes him think he will die for a month leading up to the flight, while driving to the airport, while boarding the plane and while on the plane. The moment we land RGAW/$1.5K is excited to be in Vegas. Michelle on the other hand is dreading the flight home.

RGAW/$1.5K gets fucking drunk with Seth. Seth and RGAW/$1.5K pat each other on the back and talk about how they're best friends and retell stories they shared from their childhood although RGAW/$1.5K grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey, is 25 years Seth's senior and has had his nose broken 3 times from random drunken fist fights. Seth is afraid RGAW/$1.5K has been drinking too much tonight.

SN: I really want to write more about RGAW/$1.5K, but he's starting to get annoying. I was trying to prove how he was BETTER...I might have to rethink that one.

SN: It's not my fucking dog. Hind sight is 20/20.

SN: I've been flossing my teeth for the past 4 months, most of the time every other night, but sometimes every night so that my dentist will complement me on my teeth tomorrow morning at my dental appointment. I'm such a good little dog. When the dentist looks at your teeth and says, "well, I don't even have to do anything here!" you are proud but worried that your dentist is lazy.

SN: Last comic standing is hilarious. They are on their 4th season now and I wonder what happened to 4 years of my life. I watched TV for 24 minutes tonight including commercials. Perfect.

SN: Good advice given to Nick:

to dread tomorrow

is to waste today

SN: Did the color of my font change! FUCK! *too lazy to change it back*

SN: Yes, the moon IS setting. That's it, it's the end of the world.

SN: I wanted to end with something profound. But I think I really just ran out of SNs. My nipples are itchy though.

Being the "bigger" man

Just a real quick note before I hit the sack.

Tonight I did one of the biggest things I think I ever have done. At least for me. Or maybe is it one of the most mature...hmmm...I'm not sure. But things are slowly changing for me, making it easier and better for me to grasp life.

Just as an example, the other day I decided not to rush to work. Sure, I was late. I'm rarely late. Out of the 250 days, I would say I was late about 10 of them.

And by late, I mean 3 minutes. I mean, c'mon. Anyway, it's not worth my stress. If they're going to talk to me about being late less than 5% of the time, I'd love to hear it. But that's the thing I really think I'm slowly starting to grasp. I do adult things, but part of my mentality is still that of a selfish child. "GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'M LATE TO WORK!" Does anyone else on the road really give a fuck? No. They don't. And when I cut them off, I ruin their day too. When they give me the finger, they just further the stress that is so debilitating. This is the stuff that makes people break down. "Falling Down" I'd like to reference as a great movie. I always thought that something like that might happen to me. Hopefully not.

Anyway, let me share with you this story:

Tim is a balding white guy that stands about 6' and weighs 185 lbs. He looks to be in his late 20s. Every time I've seen him at the gym he's been playing basketball. The guy has a scowl that most people would be afraid of. He literally looks like he could kill you with his hands if he got the chance. I've played with him 3 times. Only once on his team. The one time I was on his team it was absolute hell. Yelling at everyone else to pick up their sorry asses. Telling them how weak they were. Telling them where to go, when to shoot and calling them idiots anytime they do anything he doesn't like. Not only does he verbally berate his own (now mind you, this is LA Fitness, this is the heart of Mill Creek. Big news in Mill Creek makes for a power outage or a T-bone at a local intersection, maybe the new opening of a sushi bar or pizza joint)...players, he also pushes the other team around, criticizes them...

Now most of you would hope that Tim was a bad player. He's not. He gives 110% every play. He scores 70% of his teams points. And yet, his teams still lose, and every time off to the sideline he goes, cursing up a storm, ignoring team mates and opponents wishing him a good game.

For about a total of 6 hours I've watched Tim play now. Before I continue, let me give you a little back story on me.

Unless I know you, I don't talk on the court. I don't talk smack, I explain my case any time there is a dispute. Tim is one of those guys that can get me to talk. He pulls out that passive aggressive side of me. He's the guy that's cutting in line and OOPS you stick your knee out and charlie horse him or OOPS you stick your foot out to trip him and push him from behind. He's the guy you're ready to throw down against. Up until today, I was waiting for that time bomb to explode. See Tim picks on people he knows either won't fight him, or he thinks he can beat in a fight. Typical bully mentality right?

Tim makes snide remarks under his breath to me. I apologize to him profusely, although 100% of the time I am being sarcastic (passive aggressive). We beat Tim for the first time tonight. It is an excellent game. We win 16 to 14. It is probably the hardest I have played basketball for 2 years. Tim is pissed. Tim is sitting, head down, not believing that he had lost once again. We beat the next team, and wouldn't you know it? Tim is back on the floor again. This time he's got more to say to his teammates and yeah, you guessed it, me too.

*FLASH*

The person that I typically am will try to push your buttons. Because there's nothing better than an angry loser right?

*FLASH*

Suddenly, I have the same realization as I had the last time I was late to work. Pissing off this guy even further is just escalating the situation. I'm out here with 8 other guys that want to have a good time. Encouraging him would just ruin what we were all there to do: Get in a good game, and get a good workout. I avoid and ignore him until the end of the game. We kill them this time as his team gives up from being yelled at so much by Tim.

Head down again, I walk up to Tim.

"Good game man."
"..."
"Hey, I said good game man."
"Yeah."
"My name's Seth"
"..."
*I stick out my hand to shake his*

"My name's Seth, what's your name man?"
"Tim."
"Tim, are you mad at me or something? Did I do something to you? Because the way you act out there towards me seems like you want to kill me."
"It's just that no one out there gives 100% effort. We would win those games if everyone tried harder"
"I know man. I know. It's tough to lose, but a lot of people are like me. They don't really care. Nothing is on the line, it's not the pros or even college. Most of us just want a good workout"
"..."
"So if you could, you know...don't act like you're going to kill me everytime I go out there. I'm just here to have fun"
"Alright man"
"Alright? It's nice to meet you Tim."
"Yeah"

And that was it. It may seem ridiculous to you, but I've NEVER done that in my entire life. Just confronted someone I was having a problem with and straight up had an adult conversation with them...that being outside of a business or friendly setting. I mean, that's like me getting cut off in traffic, getting out of my car and just discussing the situation with the driver. No emotions, no yelling, no punching. I honestly thought shit like that would never work. But it did.

I know that next week when I'm back there, Tim will be there. I'm going to shake Tim's hand, make sure he's doing alright the first thing when I see him. Because the kid's got a damn stick up his ass or maybe he works a real stressful job...and he reminded me a lot of someone...me. The person I don't want to be anymore.

I can feel my mentality changing on things and it is amazing. I get one life to live, and trying my best to stay positive and happy is the best thing for me everyday. I know that sounds cheesy, but I honestly have a hard time staying positive as I would say I'm in a bad mood or pessimistic about life 60% of the time. And it's hard living like that. Everyday feels like 3 days. And I'm getting tired of it.

So this will provide as a reminder to myself. That I can be the bigger man...in most...maybe in all situations.

Finally It Is Friday

“Fading faster and faster until it was goneFound out I was losing so much more than I knew all alongBecause everything I've been working forWas only worth nickels and dimesBut if I had a minute for every hour that I've wastedI'd be rich in time, I'd be doing fine”

-Jack Johnson

I heard this song this morning on the way to work. This kind of stuff always bothers me. Because I know it’s true. All these signs I keep seeing keep pointing to “Consume Less, Live more”. I’m so confused. Are the guys that make ridiculous amounts of money and drive their Porsches to their million dollar homes…are they really that unhappy? I don’t understand. I mean that’s the point that I want to get to right? Work hard and save and give up happiness now for greater happiness later?

I really want a motorcycle. I want to learn how to ride very well, get my license, take classes, the whole 9. Wanting this so badly…has it caused me more pain than if I had never wanted it in the first place? Is working for material things you want pointless? Because if you had not wanted in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to work, and would’ve had more time to live instead of just working?

I was talking to my manager about retirement the other day because we had a 1 on 1 question time regarding how the 401k here will work. I told him my plans of early retirement. His father at 67 years old is still working. He could retire at any time. But he doesn’t want to. The only reason why he doesn’t want to, is because he enjoys having a schedule. He enjoys having something to do. I think once people are done raising children, they kind of run out of tasks…and when your #1 is suddenly self sufficient, what are you going to do to fill your time?

I feel so bad for Michelle’s parents. The whole “empty nest” syndrome really hit them hard. My parents feel partially the same way, however my sister is still at home with her boyfriend who frequently sleeps over. So it’s like I never left anyway, have two kids in the house. I can tell since I moved out that my dad misses me. He invites me over for dinner every Sunday night, and half of the time I have to decline. I am really afraid of how I will react when they finally pass on. Some people really don’t have that great of a relationship with their parents. I tell this to all of my friends and they agree that my parents are really cool.

Today is very slow. These are the kind of Fridays that I enjoy. Just nothing to do. Paid for sitting, or standing. Paid to eat my oreo cookies.

I have enough money for Vegas. Ideally I’d like to bring $5K. But that is a little overblown. I’ll be able to bring $3K, and still have a little bit of money in my bank leftover. Michelle likes to gamble with my money. She’d never put up any money to play. No. That’s just be against her. But when she loses my money, it’s not that big of a deal to her. *sigh*

Speaking of losing money…my Roth IRA, that was doing so well, up 10% over the past 2 months, is now minus 4%. This is one of my biggest fears. That the money I am putting away for my retirement will not only lose to inflation, but also lose it’s initial investment value. Now, there’s been a huge sell off in the past week, so I’m not worried about it. It’s just the market tanking due to rising gas prices along with slowing home sales due to the rising interest rate with the Fed trying their best to fight inflation.

Enough about money.

Tonight we’re going out for one of my best friend’s birthday party. I always forget when birthdays are. In fact, the only ones I remember are my sister’s, Michelle’s and sometimes a few other people. But I couldn’t name many off the top of my head. I am a horrible friend like that. Tonight I am getting him an awesome birthday present. After being fucked over by the referees in both the Superbowl and the sweet 16, I’m getting him a blow up doll and putting a referee jersey on it. That way, he can literally fuck up the refs. I just called around to get pricing, and it’s going to be about $75 to put it all together. Crap.

I am really praying that our dog gets better. We’ve had her for over a week. She’s gotten really good at peeing on the puppy pads, or going outside. But, she’s had a problem sleeping through the night and also likes to bite our furniture. I really don’t think Michelle realized how big of a responsibility having a dog was. I definitely was not ready, and it caused a lot of heartache having her for the past week. I am learning to deal, and I know it can only get better from here on out. The dog is 2 months old, so I need to learn to give it some leeway to make “mistakes”. Michelle is paying for obedience training so hopefully that helps.

Other than that, not too much else going on here.

I need new clothes to go out in. I need somewhere between business casual and casual. Because that’s what party attire is…so confusing.

Finally it is Friday. I am excited.

Mind Fuck

Today my manager informed us that he would be transitioning to another department. Mainly, he’s leaving our group because he’s no longer needed. I always thought what he did was never really needed, that we could probably use his skills elsewhere. A lot of times, I thought that we were a self run operation, and we never needed him here other than random team meetings he ran or updates on what our program would be taking on in the near future. Red flags went off in my brain, because 3 months ago he said to us, “You don’t see me leaving do you? When you see me leaving this department that’s when you’ve got to start worrying”. And here I am, 3 months later, worrying. I’ve applied for jobs, I have. For some reason I just can’t get an email or a call back. No one wants to hire someone that’s already in a company I guess? I have no idea. Maybe I haven’t been pursuing it as aggressively as I should’ve been. Here’s the weird thing though: They’ve told me I’m going to have a job until at least 2008. And more than likely I will have a job even past then. But now I am not sure of our direction. There is no one to head and represent this department when IT and Service heads come together and talk about the future of me and the rest of our department.

To say the least, I am worried.

But, let’s get to the real point of this post. The forest for the trees. This isn’t happening just to me. This isn’t just happening to half of our IT department. This isn’t just happening to my manager. It’s happening at gigantic corporations around the US and around the world. Jobs are consistently being cut, and a drive towards better, faster, and for less money is the mantra of so many people in the US. Who cares if me, let alone employee X, Y, Z, and A – 200 million other middle class workers such as myself. Where will I go with this post? I’m not really sure. But there are a few points I want to make before it’s over.

First and foremost, although a lot of people have talked about it, and I’m no economic genius or anything but I’d like to include it here: The dissolution of the middle class. Where has the middle class gone? Out sourced, no longer needed, or included in the job functions of the upper and lower classes bearing the mantra “Better, Faster, Cheaper”. Ah, the almighty dollar. The chairmen, sitting there in their lavish million dollar homes and condos, driving 6 different luxury vehicles, if they ever do drive, and setting up trust funds for their children and all the children they may be having in the near future. The board says yay or nay, the stock goes up people are happy, the stock goes down, another few hundred houses foreclosed and bankruptcy filed.

But these corporate heads could really care less right? They’re making hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions, and would taking a cut from their salary of even $250K be worth saving another 10 jobs for their company? No, not really. Remember, “Better, Faster, Cheaper”. And the problem with jobs in America? There’s not enough of them to go around with a consistent unemployment rate that never goes away. And as long as there isn’t jobs out there for everyone, employers can not only offer the lowest wage to people seeking employment, they can go outside of the US and look for even more desperate people who would so happy to work for even one tenth of that amount. All to drive that bottom line. And who reaps the benefits of that bottom line? The higher, higher, higher ups. Thus the dissolution of the middle class, and even part of the lower class. The supposed working heart of the United States will cease to beat in what I’m predicting the next 20 to 30 years.

You might be asking, “Well, how’s that going to happen though?”. I know this: The cheapest and fastest and most mistake-free way to do almost anything in the business world is to automate the process. Take it as you will. Automation means less human jobs, means more jobs for our computers to take on for us, maybe even the full realization of artificial intelligence and robots walking and interacting among humans?

What comes at that point? Here is my pillar of capitalism: How much can I screw the other guy out of money? Isn’t that the harsh way we all say the other word you might know, “Profit”? What happens when human minds and human hands no longer do the work? You can’t pay computers. What would they want? What would they buy with the money we paid them? To me, it is obvious that they wouldn’t succumb to the same weak desires of humans, therefore what need do they have for extra money, if at all any money?

But before we get to this point, as the business world evolves the further it automates, the less human work it needs, the less jobs will be available…suddenly everyone but those at the top are in survival mode. “Let’s see. My wife and I don’t have a job or a place to live. My children haven’t eaten in 3 days. But there goes Mr. Hotshot Highup Corporate Employee, surely taking his yacht out again on the water”. Revolution. People will not wait around while their lives waste away. They will do anything to survive. It is one of the most basic human instincts, and that is to persevere. And of course I’m not saying this will happen tomorrow. But it is happening. And it is happening very slowly. I honestly believe that although many historians will point back to the industrial revolution as one of the most amazing advancements of the human race I’m starting to think that’s where the decline began. And what happens to a species that is no longer evolving but decaying? Extinction. Those that can’t adapt will perish.

My assistant manager overheard a coworker and me discussing this whole situation and said this, “All I know is that I just want to put my blinders on and not care. I come to work Monday through Friday, I take my paycheck at the end of the week and that’s the best I can ask for. Wake me up when that changes”. That’s all great and good, but that’s exactly the attitude of those that will not adapt, that of complacency.
This is not my doomsday message. This is my outlook of the business world within my lifetime, if I live that long. A lot of it is very grey and vague, but that’s because I’m not sure. I’m not sure what happens when trillions of dollars are worth nothing, I’m not sure if the whole system of capitalism will be flipped on it’s head. I’m not sure if we’ll all die at the hands of nuclear weaponry in the next 5 years. Hell, I’m not even sure where I’ll be or what job I’ll be working in the next two months. I know it all seems a little far fetched and overblown, but it’s slowly happening all around us. The best I can do is speculate and keep the blinders off for now.

Overtime

Overtime is wearing down on me

I am wearing down over time

Yesterday, as I was driving home in the ridiculous traffic that is 405, I was going delirious. Right now I could be in Vegas watching pros play in the $25K buy in WPT championship at the Bellagio. 4 million dollars to the winner.

But instead, I’m working OT so that I can afford to go to Vegas in a month. Just pray that I don’t burn it all.

Why do I love Vegas? There’s so much to do there. There’s so many people there. There’s gambling, drinks and naked women everywhere you turn. In no other town can I find such awesome things so close. But at the same time, it’s not some run down hole in the wall place either. It’s classy. They make you feel rich there. Even the poorest of people get hooked up. And stories abound each time I go. And it’s always tough leaving.

And that’s why I’m working OT. Because every hour I work is half of a blackjack bet. But the moment I’m sitting down at those tables, full of liquor and beer, I’m not thinking of that. I’m thinking of how great it is to be in Vegas. How awesome it is to see all the drunk people around me, having a non-stop party. How no matter what, I’ll always go back to working anyway, and we all die some time so we might as well have fun.

Maybe part of the reason, other than my lack of funds, my settling down and getting married, my moving out of the city and in to the burbs…maybe one of the other reasons is because no other party holds up to Vegas. Yeah, getting together with your friends and drinking and watching TV is a good time. But is it Vegas? Of course not. Maybe everything pales so much in comparison with the parties I’ve had in Vegas, stumbling around the strip drunk…that I’ve just completely giving up on trying?

Maybe.

Can you tell I love Vegas? Probably not. Last year, for a long time, before the engagement ring, I wanted to take a shot. I wanted to take $5K and see what I could do. Start at $8/16 at the Mirage and see if I could build to the $300/600 at the Bellagio. Bah. I’d get known. I’d become a regular just like I did at BS $3/6 at Goldie’s. People would learn my style of play and would watch out for me. It’d be tough to beat the higher games.

And the draw…the draw of table games. The draw of the sportsbook…I don’t know how I could handle myself. A lot of pros can’t even handle themselves. That’s why they have “backers”. Investors that take a ridiculous cut every time they win. I could never give away any of my winnings (although I have before…to other players, to charities…to buy ridiculous things).

Tomorrow is my 2 year anniversary with Michelle. I was planning on getting her something nice, something sweet. I can’t believe. Two years. How does 2 years go so quickly? I’m afraid that the rest of life will be like this. This past winter was seriously the shortest winter I have ever seen. And really it wasn’t that exciting. When you give almost 11 hours each day to a job though…suddenly time starts flying. They are laying off by the bunches here. People in our IT department. Positions I once though I could have a chance of moving in to are disappearing by the handful. Now with a mortgage hanging over my head…let’s not talk about it.
Other than that, not too much else to report. I’m enjoying my uh oh oreos, I’ve got 30 minutes left to my final OT shift for the week. A good friend of mine is going to Vegas and I’m ridiculously jealous. My cousin is having a baby boy. I’m working on getting cut for my bachelor party. I’ve given up on trying to get more technical certifications for the time being. I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow. I’m going to love this weekend. Smiles across the board. :)

23...24

(This was supposed to be posted last night)

Last post before I turn 24

Let’s go over my year (in 15 minutes)

Big ones

Got a job that pays me almost what I feel is adequate. Got engaged. Bought a house.

Those are pretty big. I think this year has been very good. Turning point? Probably. But it was bound to happen anyway. I was waiting for it to come along. And it’s come.

So here I am. I’m giving myself (seriously for some reason) one more year to be a “mid 20’s” care-free type of dude. 25 is another turning point for me. I want to have children. But I don’t want them that soon. I’m thinking maybe 27? Then I’m 45 by the time my kids are in college? That sounds good. I should be making some good money by then. Wow. 18 years. I can’t imagine how much my life or this world will change in 18 years. Will we still be alive as a human race? Will I still be living in the most dominant and powerful country in the world? Will my kids even go to college? So many future questions, every single one of them lacking answers.

I’m banking on it. The future. But a scary thought to think that you might not be around even for the next 10 years. Why save? Why pay the mortgage? Why work? What a mind fuck.

Another day lost working OT. Trading my time for some dollars. April 11, 2006 come and gone. How many people were born today? How many died? Another drop in the ocean.

I am hoping 25 will be less stressful. I am hoping that after the wedding I can kind of hang out for the little bit. Not have anything but the bills hang over my head. Since 9th grade, the last time I didn’t work a summer, I’ve been saying to myself, “One of these summers, I’m just going to completely veg. Just completely be lazy, wake up whenever I want, do whatever I want to, hang out at the parks, the oceans, read books, barbecue and roast marshmallows over a campfire.” Hasn’t happened. Probably won’t happen for a while. That’s ok. The idea of it being a possibility for every weekend is enough for me.

My birthday. Then one of my favorite weekends of the year, the weekend I always make as “memorable as possible”. Then it’s here. Another summer.
I am praying it doesn’t rain this weekend. Hook me up a little, someone up there? If not, eh. Wasn’t meant to be. What a year though. It’s actually hard to write about because I am scared I would go on for at least…a year. But, work’s over. Gotta go now.

Too Lazy

I am too lazy to post in my blog.

But look, I am doing it. I am very tired and sore from working out. How do people freaking do it? There are people at the gym that I see there every time. Do people seriously keep up this sort of dedication? There are some days that I just don’t want to go.

I want to make this short, because I don’t really have much to share.

Why don’t they make an alcoholic drink that gives you no side effects? Like, doesn’t fill you up, doesn’t give you a hang over, doesn’t make you sick, doesn’t hurt your liver, doesn’t make you fat…now that my friends, is an idea. Is that why they came up with the oxygen bar? I should try that sometime. I think I will the next time I am in Vegas. Stupid though, those people look so dumb doing that.

I am on an investment kick. In the past 3 weeks, I have invested more money than I ever have before given the same time period. I am trying to max out my Roth IRA that I started less than a month before the deadline for the year. That is ridiculous. I am ridiculous. I am a money hungry/grubbing bastard. I check on my checking accounts and investment accounts and 401k at least once a week. Just so I can drool over how much stupid money I’m not using. It is crazy. Finally, for the first time in my life, I’ve got some extra cash to burn (invest). Between Michelle and I, could we hit a million dollars before we are 30? Highly unlikely. Would I like us to? Of course. Maybe that will be a goal. 1 million dollars net worth by the time I am 30. HAH! Lofty. But I’m crazy enough about money that it could happen. A little luck wouldn’t hurt either.

I had a dream the other night that I won the million dollar guaranteed tournament on Poker Stars. First place is typically anywhere between $170K to $215K. I was dreaming that I was withdrawing, once a week, the maximum allowed to go to my Neteller account ($10K a week). I was going to surprise Michelle with a new car, buy myself a motorcycle and maybe figure out other investment strategies for that money. It was a sweet dream. But I think, that is all it is. Just a dream. I think that because I had daydreamed about that happening so much that I actually dreamt it. Kind of sucked waking up that morning. Kind of sucks waking up any morning. But we do it.

I would like to work over time. I want to try to burn out. There are stories of past coworkers that worked 2 months straight of 60 hour weeks. I want to beat that and do 3 months…5 months…a year. I calculated it out, and by working 60 hours a week, with 20 hours of overtime each week, I would almost double my salary…definitely money we could use. And I’m young. I feel like I can do it.

I’m going to end here, without really making any point. I think that I should write more often at night. My writing is more creative and less brain fried and…yeah, I’m leaving from work now.

Time and Money

I think these two things are some of the most important things to me. I don’t know why. I’m really not that uptight.

But let me give you an example of something I think about, almost on a daily basis:

It takes Michelle 20 minutes to get to work and 30 minutes to get home. I takes me 50 minutes to get to work and an hour to get home.

The difference? 1 hour. Let’s say that Michelle and I work 50 weeks in a year, taking 2 off for vacation. 1 hour a day X 5 days a work week X 50 weeks = 250 hours. That’s 10 whole days of extra time that Michelle gets to spend doing whatever she’d like, a year. Granted, that extra time she basically spends sleeping, but still that’s better for you than driving in traffic. Let’s say that we both work 33 years before we retire. That ends up being 330 days, and not just 12 hour days where you’re awake, but 330 whole, 24 hour days. That’s a whole extra year of my life, gone to traffic. Sure I get to listen to the radio and music I enjoy on the way home, and yes I would’ve wasted that hour just vegging on the couch in front of the TV anyway…but still, I’d rather be at home doing nothing than stuck in traffic.

Money. The goal is to become the first cash millionaire I know. I know, making $40K a year and living in probably a close to $100K household income isn’t going to get us there very quickly, but I plan on changing some things by the time I’m 28 which will hopefully bump us up to a higher earn rate. Also, once I get more of my funds working for me, it’ll be smooth sailing from that point onwards. It is tough to start saving when you’ve got such a small amount to start with, but I heard on the radio yesterday that the average 30 year old has $3,000 in liquid cash available to them. I was shocked at that number. I am definitely blessed to be in the position I am in and plan to take full advantage. I’m hoping to build up a good nest egg for my future children…because I want either Michelle or I to work a part time job while they’re in school so that we’re there to send them off, and there after school for them. I know how much help that was to me, knowing that I would always see my mom when I got home from school every day.

Ok, off of boring topics and on to more boring.

I bought onion bagels. I had them once before at work when I was starving and they were excellent. They are not good for breakfast. The reason they are not good for breakfast is because they completely negate brushing your teeth. I have staved off from eating these bagels in the morning, and until after I get to work because my breath really stinks, and the taste in my mouth is horrible. It tastes so good going down, but the after taste is just ridiculous. Even 3 tic tacs can’t solve the issue.

I would write more, but it’s starting to pick up here. That’s why I’m working overtime. Just wanted to make my weekly (weak) post. I promise I’ll write more interesting things next week. There are things I’d like to write about…my new TV, our soccer team, the Huskies game, but don’t feel I have the time to. So I’ll stop here for now.

Reminiscing

So, since my computer exploded

And then I spent a butt load of money to get it fixed

But only half the amount I spent to get a brand new crappy one that still ran twice as slow as my computer

When I got it back, everything worked just fine. Just dandy. But I remember when I was back on the network with EJ that I locked down my pictures because I had some scandalous ones in there that I didn’t want him to see. No, I wasn’t smart in just creating a totally separate folder for them all and locking that one, I locked the whole god damned picture folder. All 20+ gigs of it. Excellent and beautiful photos. Videos that bring me back to that point. Bring a smile to my face. Bring a tinge of sadness to me from missing my last loved vehicle, or friends I haven’t talked to in years or girls that will never talk to me again. Trips we took to the gorge. To Cannon Beach. To Vancouver. Drunken parties at the condo. In California. In Vegas. Boxing, dunking, driving, singing, dancing, laughing…it’s all there. All good memories, even the sad ones. But now I can’t get access. I am going to try a lot of different things, because data retrieval would otherwise cost about a thousand dollars. Are my pictures worth that to me? Yes. They are priceless. I have had my camera since December of 2002, and my picture taking didn’t really drop off until about a year ago. I’m not sure why it dropped off. I just felt like I was taking too many pictures…at every opportunity I was asking people to pose…and was posing myself. So I let it drop off. But while I was living in Seattle…those were my pictures.

Just thinking about that, made me really want to look back at the time I spent in Seattle. And something that helped me continue on today was thinking about the summers I had in Seattle. Now there is the BEST SUMMER ever, the ones between my senior year of high school and my first year of college. But then there are the last few summers. And grouped together, thinking about each one, although they mud together I can still point out things and say “this was awesome. My life was great at these points”. And I’ve got the pictures up in my head. But I’m scared they’ll go gray or ever fade out as more pictures enter my head. That is what I’m afraid of.

What I remember from those summers: Getting home on a Thursday afternoon after school in May. Getting off the warm bus and having my MP3 player blast out something amazing while I watch the cherry blossoms fall to the slight breeze. Seeing girls walk around the quad in skirts and tank tops. Watching guys in sunglasses throw the Frisbee around. People out sunbathing.

Playing basketball. Playing basketball at Green lake as the sun goes down and is reflecting off of the water. The black hard top still warm from the days rays. Families, couples, children skating by and dogs panting, all stopped to sit and watch some basketball and lap in the rest of the day’s orange light. Sitting at Denny Court in the shade of the giant trees from the 1800s, drinking from a stone water fountain that is probably just as old. Watching sorority girls in bathing suits playing volleyball right next to the court. I remember sitting in the long warm, green gas with Don. Waiting for the next game to start up when a short boxer, a dog, came walking up to us out of nowhere. Before we knew it, we didn’t even care about the basketball because we were petting the dog, having him play fetch with a stick we had found. I remember one June afternoon, I had skipped out of a study session from the MSC (math study center) to go play ball. It was too nice of a day to stay locked in the basement…studying calculus. And I remember, it was me, and 3 of my guy friends from the class who I had convinced to go play. And that was 1:30 pm.

Usually Denny court didn’t pick up until the latest afternoon classes were over at 3:30 (before the evening group) but by the time we got to the court we had found that plenty of other guys had had the same idea as us. Screw finals, we’re young and you only get perfect June days like this to play ball with your friends so often. And we played. We played all night. I remember the lights coming on around 7 and being so hungry. But the games were so good, the weather so perfect, and every time I thought people were ready to be finished and go eat dinner, more guys showed up.

Then I found the games at BF Day. To me, they were like the little basketball oasis in the middle of nowhere. I knew there were courts down there. I just had no idea that there were 12 to 15 guys that were all friends. All knew each other. All understood their own “code”. It was like I had stumbled upon “The Sandlot” for adults, and instead of baseball, it was basketball. I guarantee to this day, you head down there on a Tuesday through Thursday afternoon, right about 5 pm? You’ll run in to these guys. And the best part about it is, they play every where. While I was in Seattle, I dreamed of finding other places like this. Little hole-in-the-wall courts where everyone knew how to play, and were all good friends by the end of the day. All looking for a competitive game, and knew how to enjoy the sun. I only found one other one, and that was at North Seattle Community College before they ripped that outdoor court down too. But I ran in to a few of the same guys at NSCC as I did at BF Day. Later on one summer during the 3 on 3 Hoop it up challenge I ran in to plenty of them.

But enough about basketball in the summer. I remember finding that perfect open parking spot in front of the first floor window, or waiting until it opened up. Then turning up the music on my computer, dumping the speakers off right on my window sill, parking the car, grabbing the hose and just spending hours washing and cleaning the Civic. For me there was almost no better feeling then having the cleanest car…windows rolled down, and just driving anywhere, for any excuse. Back then gas didn’t seem too expensive for me. And being broke was alright because I had everything I needed or wanted.

Playing golf at the 3 par. Eating happy hour at Duke’s. Eating a red mill burger with the sun setting on Phinney Hill. Wondering if the dry cleaners on that weird corner was ever open when I went running. Watching the lights twinkle below in Ballard as I drove towards Taco Bell in Ballard for an excellent and healthy dinner. The Aurora bridge and the slight wind that all those cars zooming by seemed to make. Blue Star chicken fried steak doused in gravy on an early Saturday morning. Nick finally getting his head shaved after so much coercing. July 4th atop the condo roof. So many memories are so vivid in my head. I fear I’m losing them slowly.

But hopefully this is what I’ll think of when I remember my summers in Seattle.

I heart the government *cough*

My part time job is illegal

http://today.reuters.com/investing/financeArticle.aspx?type=bondsNews&storyID=2006-03-15T174222Z_01_N15403811_RTRIDST_0_CONGRESS-FINANCIAL-GAMBLING.XML

That’s a long freaking link!

Synopsis: The government hates the fact that close to 12 BILLION DOLLARS is wagered online every year by Americans. And not one of those suckers in DC (or even the local governments here) are seeing one cent of it. They are sick. They can’t believe that US dollars are going offshore. *big surprise* Wow! Really? You mean Americans are spending 60% of their hard earned dollars (after taxes, which by the way are not DOING ANYTHING) on what they want to? Entertainment? And your PISSED OFF because we’re not getting taxed on our spending? Our winnings? Our entertainment? Guess what, here's how I'm sticking it to you. By continuing to contribute funds and investing in overseas operations. They're the only ones making money anyway.

The poor governemtn. Boo hoo. Seriously. Don’t you feel like you’ve ripped us off enough?

You know, before college I was this hippy. Some kid that thought that these welfare programs, and all this government aid…this is a great thing for people. As I got older and went through college, and now have graduated and am realizing that I could be earning 30% MORE CASH if it wasn’t for the god damned government that does nothing for me I’ve moved towards a more conservative view of things. Purely financial.

I can’t think of this stuff. It’s absolutely sickening. The amount of corruption and screw ups across the board. And the thing that makes me ever sicker? All of these people bashing Bush. Is that the best that you can come up with? Do you realize that your hard earned tax dollars are going to a majority of white guys in suits that just show up for work and say “yay or nay” and the hardest thing they had to do to get elected for the LEAST WORK TO PAY RATIO JOB was to get elected. By whom? Not by me. I’m so disturbed by the whole system that I want to puke. I want to scream. Let’s see, I make about TWENTY TIMES LESS THAN SOME GUY THAT HEADED UP THE MONORAIL PROJECT. That’s right. If you weren’t aware, he was awarded a RAISE for doing NOTHING from about $680K to $750K. Don’t quote me on that number, that’s what I remember seeing this past summer in the Times. Ok, so I pay close to $10K in tax every year…it would take 75 OTHER HARD WORKING AMERICANS to pay this guy’s salary? Oh, and remind me about how much has been done on the monorail this past year? That’s what I thought.

The worst part of it all…the worst part of it…and I have to repeat this to make sure everyone understands…is the apathy. There’s just so much to deal with, and all of us are completely useless that we end up not caring. People are shocked when they read or hear or sense my anger regarding these situations when I tell them I don’t vote. What does ONE vote out of MILLIONS matter? If I had voted in the last election would it have changed anything? No. Do I live in a county with 150 other people where a vote could be decided by my vote? No. I don’t. And voting for these people is just prolonging this idiotic system of just paying blindly. I drive by these hilarious signs every day that say, “Your Nickel At Work”. HAH! My NICKEL? MINE? Only 5 cents? It looks like I only put in 5 cents because all you did was RUIN THE GODDAMNED ROAD AND NOW I’M STUCK HERE WATCHING SOME TEENAGE KID EARN A BETTER HOURLY RATE THAN ME BECAUSE HE’S GETTING PAID BY THE STATE AND ALSO RECEIVES HAZARD PAY. Look, he just flipped the fucking sign from “STOP” to “SLOW”. Well done sir. I hope you die of cancer from my fumes.

So, I’m almost off of work. I will stop venting now. Every now and then…like a boiling pot full of water…steam must get out. Before I go, I’d just like to say: Dear Government: Thank you for trying to make laws to ensure I live a miserable life. Thank you for stealing from me. Thank you for being worthless. But most importantly, and to completely switch up this post: Thank you for protecting my right to voice my opinion.
That is all.

Incorrigible

Some people just don’t learn or want to learn. Some people lack passion in life. Some people don’t have things that they “love to do” or at the least hobbies or “past-times”. I wonder what these people do with themselves. They watch TV all night. Attaching themselves to some sort of “drama” unfolding. Something so fake and pre-made to some jello molding that everyone loves it. Everyone eats it. And the next day at work, everyone can’t stop talking about how much they loved the jello. In fact, they can’t wait until next week when maybe they’ll come out with another flavor of jello. Why? Because their lives have become so FREAKING boring that they’ve attached themselves to this jello. Made it their lives. “Oh really? You like lime? Nah, I prefer Orange myself”.

All this time. Wasted. Over stupid, inconsequential jello that they probably won’t even remember 3 years from now. What are you going to be like when you’re 60? Looking back over a life full of nothing? I pray my life doesn’t become this. Sometimes I don’t have the will to fight it. I fall in to the trap. I’m tired from work and the commute. All I want to do is turn off and be robotic. Watch as my life slowly passes before my eyes. Another commercial? Another breaking news story? Excellent. I would cut my freaking cable subscription if I didn’t love sports so much.

But of course the people that poke holes in what I’ve said say, “But wait…you said you watch TV for the sports?” Yes, I do. You know why? Because every sport I watch on TV, I’ve played, or I can play, or I am playing. I’ve boxed, thrown the football, hit the baseball, shot the basketball, chipped the golf ball…I know what it feels like to be every single one of these people. So I can relate to them. And since they are doing it at such a higher level than I am in every situation, it is a spectacle. You can even apply it to music. I love watching concerts on PBS. Maybe this is a sort of rant about the crap that is on TV compared to the stuff I LIKE. No one cares about Dr. 90210 and how X woman has been augmented and wasted all this money and will still feel ugly afterwards. Or, oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson did what? Really people. Does anyone even wonder why no one is talking about your life? Maybe it’s because you’re not doing ANYTHING with it?

Chill out man.

Ok, chilling.

I refuse to leave this life without creating good memories and having the ability to tell good stories. I refuse to revert back to some friends or family guy episode to make it seem like my life has joy. I refuse to let my 9-5 and this traffic crush my spirit. Because deep down, I’m still a happy kid that doesn’t want to kill anyone. I know it’s still in me. Sometimes I get scared because I feel like I’m on cruise control. And then there’s that point that jerks me out of that and reminds me that not everything in life is so smooth. I’ve been on cruise control for almost 2 years now. I am afraid the longer I wait the larger the destruction…almost like the big earthquake that will hit us soon. I call it regression to the mean. Others call it karma. You find that line you walk, everyday, and you are content with it. That you can call your mean. Everything in your life will be within a certain range. However, there will be those outliers. Those are the ones we should be thankful for. The ones that change our lives, that are so far gone from the mean that they change it, or in some bad instances are completely erased…now I’m babbling.

Seriously though. How do people survive this? I guess for everyone it is different. For me it is different from everyone else. I will try my best to realize how precious my life is. Because as far as I know, I’m not getting another chance at this…and it’s just a big sleep from here on out.

I’ll get off my soapbox again.

My head is itchy, I haven’t taken a shower for two days. I probably stink. On Wednesday I’m going in for more shots for my hair. I am praying my hair grows back before the wedding. I am praying it doesn’t get worse. I have seen pictures of people who have completely lost their hair. Are completely bald. I like my hair, even though I like it super short. I think I will cut it again tonight.
I loved our soccer game. We played very well. Almost everything is moved in to the new house. I am finally starting to settle as the smell of new paint dissipates. My flat tire removal isn’t going as well as previously planned. I have 41 days left.

Vacations, Sick Time, Recharge

As I pass through the end of February I realize that I haven’t requested any time off. Everyone here was supposed to request time off between the 12th of February and the 1st of March. From the 1st to the 4th of March there would be a “freeze period” where no one could request vacation and bids would be processed (in order of seniority). After the 4th it is a “free for all” type of deal where you can request any sort of vacation you’d like.

This whole time I’ve been shopping for a place to get married. A place to have a reception. Somewhere inexpensive enough that I could still enjoy my honeymoon…which by the way will be driving down to San Diego and back up through Las Vegas. Thank god for air conditioning in my car! And I hope my car can make it. Should be a nice little jaunt down the coast (especially with the late summer weather) and I expect San Diego and Vegas to be as great as they always have been. This is why I am freaking out about vacation...we haven't planned this wedding yet.

The reason I am talking about vacation…is because I am dying to request some. I realized on the way home late one night the weekend before last, that this is the first time, ever, in the history of my life, that I worked on President’s day. Seem odd? I don’t think so. Most of my life has been dedicated to school. When I started working, I worked for financial institutions that recognized stupid holidays like that, and I was able to take the holiday, free and clear while getting paid my normal wages. Not true with this insurance company.

In realizing this, I freaked out…and have freaked out even more knowing that we are almost a quarter in to this new year…and I haven’t had a 3 day weekend…since Christmas? And even then…people all around me were getting 2 weeks off…people in school, people that work for Boeing…it has been rough. I am worried about the dreaded “burn out”. And it’s not so much my job as it is the traffic. Wasting 2 hours of my life every day in a car for a job that I could do from my boxers at home…is very frustrating. I would even work an extra hour every day if I could stay at home, answer calls on my cell phone and get on ICQ and send/receive emails. But, it probably won’t happen. In fact, they plan on moving us downtown. To the U-district. Microsoft bought our campus, so we should be out of here in 34 months…33 in 2 days. Should be interesting. Supposedly MSFT will be adding 1,500 new employees to work on this campus. Maybe I won’t have to leave and I can get a job with MSFT? I hope so. I hope they have some career fair for this campus. I’d definitely want to show up for that. But…I don’t want to be a programmer. I don’t want to work 70 hours a week (unless it’s worth it financially). Michelle was telling me on Friday night that I should go get a teaching degree. How awesome would it be to have that 3 months off every summer? The 3 weeks at Christmas and New Years? The weeks here and there for spring break and mid-winter break? And snow days! HAH!

But what kind of self-made millionaire would I be then? Am I not cut out to be rich? Growing up I always thought I would be. No matter how I would get there…I always knew I would be “rich”. In 2nd grade when everyone was asked what they’d like to be I said “rich”. My parents would roll their eyes when at SEVEN YEARS OLD I was telling them about how I was going to be driving a convertible Ferrari…”just you wait and see” I said to them. At the time, I had very little understanding of money…bills…life…but still, it was my dream, and for some reason I honestly think a feasible dream. It’s going to take a lot longer than I thought…as I sat there in college and drooled over all the 24 year old “on-paper” multi millionaires in Silicon Valley…suddenly thinking to myself…Oh my gosh…is it going to happen for me too? And we all know what happened to those kids…I’m pretty sure about 1% made it out of there with their money.

Hmmm, that was quite a boring piece of writing. Maybe because I am boring right now. Let’s try to make it interesting. Things I am freaking out about: Having 90% of my paycheck go to a combined account. All my life I’ve had the ability to take all the cash in my account and do whatever I want with it. And of course, all of my life, I’ve never done that. There’s definitely been times that I’ve splurged, but I’ve never been flat broke. From the first $250 I deposited on my 13th birthday in to my savings account from the money I had leftover from my birthday…all the way up until now. I’m going to keep a few grand separate from our joint account…but the rest…and I mean a lot of the rest…is going to the joint account. For some reason I am more scared about this then I was about getting engaged…getting married…buying a house. Can you tell I’m financially minded? Maybe…is this all I really care about in this world?

I think my coworker was annoyed with me this morning because I was talking about my bills with him and I told him that I try my best to spend money on things I find “relevant”. He then poignantly asked me (as the uber-gamer-nerd/I spent $2400 on my gaming system and I was at a gaming convention last week and I read sci-fi books on my breaks) what I thought was relevant. I could only seriously come up with two things: My bills (for the house and transportation) and food. I hate having clothes. If someone could say, ok…Monday through Friday, here are your five outfits. Wear them until they rip, fall apart, or get burned and you’ll be good to go. Here are your Saturday and Sunday clothes. If someone could say that to me, that would just be great. And for everyone’s knowledge, I do have two pairs of jeans still from early high school (8 years old) that have just ripped due to the fabric being so thin. I have had Michelle sow them up and on our latest “painting extravaganza” the arse ripped out of them once again, thus requiring another patch. I also still have my D.A.R.E. shirt from my “6th grade graduation” that I wear regularly…both as a joke and at the same time as a point of my utter cheapness to buy new clothes.

I am also taking pills. 4 pills in the morning, 4 at night. They are for my ulcer. I hate them. They make my mouth taste like crap because they are antibiotics. The pill popping will stop in 3 days. It has been a crappy 14 days of taking pills.

Patty Liu comes home from China in about 2 weeks. I am stoked. Hopefully I can run in to her at some party or something. She is my 2nd favorite asian girl (non-dateable) after Tien, a girl from the business school. Who definitely was dateable but I think WAY out of my league (as many women who I admire are). It is a rare occasion to find an Asian girl with my sort of mentality…laid back, NOT obsessed with brands and what kind of car I drive, overall laid back and obviously proud of their heritage. Going to UW really helped my mentality with different races, although it definitely skewed them horribly towards a few in particular…we won’t delve in to that here.
5 minutes left to my shift and I think I’ve bored myself enough with this. I promise I’ll include more exciting writing in the next post. Maybe a burglar will break in to my house and we will have a fist fight? That would be a pretty awesome story. Until then…

So Much Happens

I was actually going to write a really poignant and meaningful post, since I've got so much time to write, but actually I'd just really like to write what I really think instead of using some sort of crappy front to stand on my soapbox to tell everyone else how to live their lives. With that said, here we go:

We moved in to the new house. There are a few things wrong with it, but other than that, it's gorgeous. I am in love with it, and it definitely will be hard moving. Having a garage is the most insane thing ever, after parking my car outside for almost a year. Not having to scrape the ice off of the thing makes my life so much easier in the mornings.

The moon at 4 in the morning on a clear windy night in the middle of February makes me stand still and watch. I am afraid of people breaking into my new house so I walk around late at night with hammer in hand (best weapon available) and check every corner and closet. I haven't found anyone...yet.

Our power went out this morning. That sucked. Luckily the power kind of went out at work too so I wasn't "late". According to when the power came back on, I was "on time".

I hated myself last night, for always being that cynic. The guy that laughs at people that cry when they lose their dog. Cry when they stand in the backyard with their parents burying their pet's remains in a wood case. For the first time I experienced a pet I love pass. About 20% of my crying was me hating myself for thinking so lowly of people for being so crazy and weak about their pets. It is a part of the family. And just writing this right now makes me teary eyed. Watching Michelle last night was so heartbreaking for me. She's not a whole person right now and definitely this weekend will be so rough on her. This is why I have always loved dogs: Unconditional love. The good ones will love you no matter what. And they can always sense what you are feeling and know how to make you feel better. I think about the many days that Michelle was out shopping, or even working while I was going to school, so I dog sat Sammy, her black and tan Chihuahua while she was gone. Sure, she shit on the floor and pissed sometimes, and definitely I got angry with her, but I also remember the times where her and I would be watching "A Different World" midday and I would be petting her. Suddenly I'd stop and she'd lick my hand and come crawling in to my lap. I remember the mornings where she'd sleep with us, and of course every morning she'd climb my mountain of a comforter covered body and just stare at me until I woke up. The moment I said, "Sammy, do you need to go outside?" she was already raring to jump off the bed. I knew the dog for 2 and a half years. I probably only loved it for about 2 years. And much of that, she was in pain, her eyesight and hearing was going, along with her legs. But still, she knew when I was there, and I was always very calm and felt better when I was around her. We had to put her down last night. Her heart had enlarged and blood was getting in to her lungs. I cried for about half an hour. Michelle cried all night.

This morning she cried and broke my heart...because she said, "When no one else was there, Sammy always was". And that's what loving dogs is all about. Their schedule is always clear for us. All they know how to do love. And that's what so painful about knowing she's gone now. I can't do the same thing that Sammy does for Michelle. I will try my best, but I've got to work, and I've got a schedule too on top of work. I have to stop writing about this...

The power went out while I was showering this morning. That was interesting. Today I am working a 13 hour shift. And I've got 20 minutes left of it. I found that if I added 4 hours of OT per week (like I'm doing today) then I can bump my salary up to $43K (not including bonus). Is 4 hours per week worth that to me? I don't know.

My computer is also not working properly. I hate it. It's all my fault for not plugging it in while I was moving to make sure it was up and running. What a waste. If I have to dump this thing I'm going to be really angry.

Anyway, I'm going to finish here. My coworkers are starting to talk to me. You were very much loved Sammy, and everyone misses you.

Early Morning Thoughts

Working overtime is awesome. In essence, I could almost double my salary just by working an extra 3 hours per day. Then again I would be working 11 hour or 12 hours shifts everyday…and I’m not sure that would be so much fun. Now, if I had the ability to sleep on the job I would totally do it. I’m pretty sure everyone would pick up OT if they knew they could sleep though.

I woke up this morning at 5:05, and my alarm went off right as I was starting to dream. I reached out to my alarm and switched it off and rolled over. Somehow when I do this, no matter what time it is, I always just lay there for 2-3 minutes and jump right out of bed. I’ve never been one to wake up to the alarm, roll over, and fall right back asleep. I definitely have had those nights where I forget to set my alarm and then don’t wake up at all. Something always tells me that I’ve got to get up though, so usually I still wake up within 20-30 minutes of when I was supposed to get up.

When I come in before 7 to work it’s really nice because all the lights are off. My cubicle becomes a little cave, and if it didn’t have these little plastic windows right next to my wall, or if I wasn’t next to the hall, I’d be trying to rest my eyes a little bit. Looking at a computer screen for 12 hours a day is definitely not going to be good on my eyes in the long run. Isn’t looking at LCDs supposedly better for your eyes though? Something about refresh rates…here I go talking about a topic I really no have idea about. Maybe I can do some research.

Well, the house is done. The house is, but the landscaping is not. Crap! So we are moving in to a house surrounded by mud. I only have a few gripes about the house and they are the following: 1) Our driveway is too small, people are not going to have the ability to parallel park in our driveway, and if I screw up backing out at all, BAM I’m in the grass. 2) There’s a house in my backyard. We thought we were going to have a huge backyard…nope. Turns out they’ve built a house there. Then again, it’s been there for the past 4 months…they’re hopefully going to build a fence and we wanted to put up some TALL bamboo to block them out. 3) You can see power lines from most of our upstairs windows, we are also almost exactly a mile away from an electrical sub station. Then again, they built houses within only 50 yards of the freaking thing. Good luck to all of us and not getting cancer. I hope it doesn’t affect the value of our home…and if cancer cases start popping up, it definitely will, but at least we might be able to sue the builders (or someone) like Erin Brockovich. :p 4) We have a gargantuan wall that runs throughout the house. I have no idea what we’re going to do with that wall.

Other than that though, I love this place. It’s going to be nice to have so much space…and have it nice and quiet at night and in the mornings. Living with my parents the past few months has been pretty tough because I’ve had to be so quiet at night before I go to bed, and I always wake up early any time anyone in my house woke up and was getting ready for the day.

Plans for the day: Shop around for cable and internet connection. I’m wondering if we’re going to be cool and go VOIP or be cheap and just use our cell phones. Go to our new gym tonight and hopefully survive pilates. I’m also going to make my reservations for Vegas. Flight, hotel and vacation requests.

I am hungry, but I am an hour and a half away from a break. What a boring blog post.

Real Quick

Real quick post before I go to bed, because I had someone asking me what was going on with no posts in the last week.

Tonight I had an assortment of meals for dinner. I had: BBQ Baked Lays. Dehydrated mangos. Pasta Roni. Teriyaki chicken, yakisoba and some rice. A piece of pumpkin muffin. Lots of water. Tons of water. Lots of fluid. I need it.

We also signed up for LA Fitness. Weird. I am in need of an I-pod, I-something. I need music other than the crap they play in that gym. It is hard to get a workout when I’m listening to Gwen Stefani…that is, unless it is “spiderwebs”. Doy. Anyway, this is going to be interesting. It’s $30/month, and I already ran in to Jonviray.com who works out there and also Jay’s little brother. (Isn’t his name Joon?) Should be interesting. I plan on going 15 days/month to get my moneys worth. Tuesday-Thursday in the morning.

Wow, I really lack motivation to write this tonight. It’s actually kind of sad. Usually I have LOTS to talk about. Tonight? My mind is as blank as the rest of this page.

We went snowboarding yesterday. That was awesome. I love snowboarding. The best thing about it was that it’s not like riding a bike, for me at least, where I’ve got to get back into the swing of things before I’m 100% comfortable and jumping off of curbs again. Right when I put on the board I stood up and I was ready to go. It was like running.

How much would you take in money to have your left hand cut off? This is the discussion I had with a coworker for the last 30 minutes of my 12 hour shift today. Freaking ridiculous. That is how delirious I was. There is a spot on my LCD screen because I know that my sister has been sneezing and coughing and all her phlegm and boogers get all over this monitor, and I’m afraid to scrape them off because I don’t want to scratch the screen. Once we move in to the new house I’ll give it a good cleaning. And also! It’ll be back to my GOOD computer. Not this crappy one.

So I think my ulcer is back. My stool has been black, and I’ve been feeling colder than normal and also my stomach has that dull ache to it. Women can’t complain about periods to me! Because in 9th grade, I had a bleeding ulcer, which bled for almost TWO MONTHS, and slowly dried and drained me of my life. By the time the doctors realized what was going on, they freaked out because they thought I would die in a matter of days from blood loss. A normal hematacrit (blood count level) is anywhere between 40-45. Mine was at 23 when they admitted me to Children’s Hospital. They said a few more points and I would’ve been anemic, and not only that, but in a few days I’d be dead. All I could complain about was missing the Skyview dance. Looking back on it, it was quite silly, but those dances were THE BEST.

Now, like my alopecia, I believe my ulcer is back. I guarantee if you took a crit test of me right now you’d find that I was probably floating around 34-36. It’s a really weird feeling being short of blood (and women can probably attest to this). I get really tired, and the pain in my stomach just numbs the rest of the world around me. It’s hard to be happy about anything, and my favorite spicy foods everyone tells me not to eat. Oh, and for those of you who are saying, “Hey! It’s just stress! Knock it off, cool out”. I say…no, it’s not. It’s actually a bacteria (h.pylori) that is in my stomach that somehow combines with the acid in my stomach to burn holes in the lining. Thus the blood. Thus the shit covered in blood. Thus the cramps. I knew it was in full effect when I couldn’t sleep until about 2:30 am after going to bed at close to midnight. I tossed and turned while my stomach cramped. I thought it was hunger. I was wrong. The worst part about it is I’m going to have to go to the doctor to get told what I already know, just so I can get a prescription for some antibiotics to fight the h.pylori.

What a freaking ripoff.

Anyway, this “real quick” post turned out pretty long as usual, and I did find things to write about. Don’t you wish your health situation was as good as mine? I bet you do. I can’t wait to see the doctor sometime this week or early next week. *sigh* Another day to wake up early.

In other news, the countdown to Superbowl Sunday stands at 6 days. Freaking ridiculous. When is this going to sink in that we’re going to the ‘ship? Probably kick off.

Night y’all.

Tuesdays suck

I hate Tuesdays. I can't sleep.

Here is my favorite joke for your enjoyment. I don't claim any responsibility over it, and I definitely didn't come up with it on my own.

The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have had
a really bummer day the day you died.  The policy would go into effect
at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going around the time you died."

"No problem," said the man.  "Well, I came home one day to my 25th
floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
But the lover was nowhere insight.  I immediately began searching for
this guy.  My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the
entire apartment.

But, damn it, I couldn't find him!  Just as I was about to give up, I
happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a
man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!  The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some
bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.  This pissed me off
even more.  In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. And, oddly enough, the first
thing I thought of was the refrigerator.  I unplugged it, pushed it
out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great
that right after that I had a heart attack and I died almost
instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment.  Technically, the guy did
have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK
sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.  "OK, here's the rule.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you had.
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side!  Luckily, however, I was able  to catch myself by my
fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine.  When all of a sudden
this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing
and stomping on my fingers!  Well of course I fell.  I hit some trees
and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right
away.  As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and
in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all
things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills
me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story.  "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.  "Tell
me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

We going to the 'ship!

NFC CHAMPS

FIRST TIME EVER

History was made tonight and I was able to witness it.

2 weeks and we'll see if we can go even higher.

Amazing. My life is now complete.

I saw another gray hair on my head

I have two gray hairs on the right side of my head.

I think they are because of nights like these.

Over the past two and a half months, I have slowly built UP and UP and UP, close to $2500.

Tonight, I dumped almost half of that in less than an hour. ONE GRAND baby.

Blackjack owns me. Then, frazzled, I go play pokah...something I THINK I can play (people say I'm good, and not just my friends, but people I play against online)...and CAN'T WIN FOR THE LIFE OF ME. Goodbye another $600. Holy crap. 10 tournaments and I can't get in the top 3. 5 times in 4th place...3 out of those 5 very bad beats...AA vs K9, KQ vs 62, A10 vs A7

Can you guess which hand was mine each time?

*gray hair*

Wow. Yesterday I was up $1100 for the month. By some will of God I got $600 of it back before posting this...playing blackjack on ANOTHER site, so that makes it -$1000 for the night.

How can I sleep on this? I can't. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow (for my hair...what a coincidence) and I've got to be up in 6 hours. My life is AWESOME. At least I got to work out tonight though. Freaking A. What a trip. Down $1600, Up $600...and that $1900 I've made over the past 2.5 months? I've spent about $1000 of it. *sigh*

I are the suxors.

MLK Day

You know, if you add an I to that, it’s MILK day. And, MILK is good for you. So was the man. I still get shivers when I see his speech tossed around the internet. And when I hear the black women shouting, “Amen!” “Hallelujah!” In the background of that speech, I could feel like I was there…it seems to me that people in previous centuries had something to LIVE for. A purpose. And freedom to do what they wanted. I’m a goddamn hippie at heart. I guess I don’t like working that much.

Do we have a date set? I don’t know. September? You know how much this freaking wedding is going to cost? It is going to cost too much. Too much to feed people. You know, if we all went to Jack in the box drive through, it would cost about $500 to get everyone what they wanted, and everyone would be full. Of course, people would shit talk about the food and how it wasn’t fancy enough….but imagine how much money we’d save! Everyone could get really drunk then! Even the kids. And then everyone would sing the chicken song, like the one at the roller rinks, and the parents would get pissed about how drunk their 12 year olds were…but it’s legal in Italy. I think.

I am in a funky mood. I get this way when I win money and I stop playing just because I don’t want to play anymore. I guess I also get this way because I have a lot of energy sometimes that I don’t know how to…release. I. Suppose. Is. The. Word. For it.

Question for you: Do you want to get drunk and eat Mexican food and then play in a Mariachi band but sing English love songs until the patrons within the restaurant start to to boo but then you ask for a tip and then they get even more angry?

Sometimes I wish my name was Randy. “Are you Randy?” Yes. I am him.

Short post! Hope you enjoyed. I’m too lazy to go off on any more tangents. Too bad I won’t be able to sleep. What the heck! I didn’t even have any caffeine tonight!

The Mountain that Broke my Back

Saw the movie. Enjoyed it. Two masculine gay guys that love each other in a world not fit for them, beautiful scenery, and a sad ending…nuff said.

I’ve been staring at a computer screen today for so long that I’m beginning to see lines on my monitor. Or at least on this white background that is my word document. I hope my eyes are fucked because I’d rather have those messed up than this brand new LCD monitor. Heh. Not really.

Note to self: I’d like to try to remember to do the naked bike ride for the summer solstice.

Jamie Cullum is coming to town on March 1^st. I tried to buy tickets, but the only ones available are balcony ones. I am an idiot for not buying tickets right away when the presale started. I wanted to surprise Michelle, but the only surprise announcement was the fact that he was coming and we more than likely weren’t going. For those with good seats, awesome. I saw him live at Nemo’s and I think I live for the rest of my life off of that. His last CD isn’t as good as the last one I purchased, “twenty-something”, and I expect him to do a lot from his new CD…which could be interesting live. But with my bad eyesight and all, and being almost able to touch him 2 years ago, to being half a mile away for almost double the price…no thanks. Good for him though. Looks like he’s gained a good following. Now to find more new musicians that no one knows about so I can have that one intimate show at the croc or something before they make it huge…

I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I don’t know why. I don’t feel like it. I am sore. I went for a run in the 42 degree weather. I couldn’t feel my toes and wore a beanie on my head. My head got really hot so I took it off on the homestretch. However, because I had a beanie on, I couldn’t really hear things very well, quiet noises were muffled. During my run, I passed a dog with a metal collar and its owner walking behind it, plastic poop bag in hand. When I took off my beanie I heard my keys shake, since I had to carry my keys with me on my run, and I put them in my coat pocket, and I freaked out like the dog was behind me. I sprinted for a little bit. Then I sprinted for a little bit more. Then I sprinted up a long hill back to my parent’s cul-de-sac. Then I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t feel my legs. And the sweat was dripping off of me. I stunk. I took an ice cold shower. Nothing better than sweating and being hot, cooling off and taking a cold shower and getting clean. I am sore.

Saturday is the first Seahawks playoff game. I pray they win. We haven’t won a playoff game since I was two years old. And back then I couldn’t even bathe myself. Come to think about it, I wish someone would bathe me even up to this day.

The house isn’t done yet. I don’t want them to rush and do a shitty job. The bank is pissed because the appraiser went 10 days ago to check out the house and they spoke with the builder who was on site. The builder asked them to come back 10 days later to check in on all the progress they’ve made. Today was day 10. Nothing was different from 10 days ago. I think, like a car, never buy a house that’s so new it’s not even built yet. We bought dirt, and this process is us eating that dirt. That expensive, late, break the bank, precious dirt. I can’t imagine what will happen if the following things occur: We lose one of our jobs. One of our cars breaks or we are involved in a car accident. We are in need of some sort of medical treatment that our insurance doesn’t cover. Fire. Flood. Eathquake. These are all things that can happen in the blink of an eye. I am not invincible to life. Sometimes I may think that I am, or may act like it, but I am far from it. There are sure to be bumps and bruises along the way. And if I make it to 50, even 40 years old I will thank whoever I need to thank, 10 million times over and make sure that I’m doing the best that I can with my stupidly blessed life.

Let’s just do a little mind rambling. Things on my head. $100. A+ Certification. MBA. Tuition reimbursement. Rats. Carpal Tunnel. Spelling. Ice tasting water. Dry lips. Bleeding ear. Bleeding ulcer. Credit card. Online bank accounts. Investments. Missing people. Hugs. Losing weight. Losing my mind. Fainting. Wind chimes. Expensive wind chimes in Cannon Beach. Sickness. Wrinkles. Electricity bill. Cold draft. Calories. Garbage. Sleep.

I wonder

I couldn’t come up with a title, so I wrote the first thing in my head:

I wonder how many blogs die due to lack of postings? There are so many out there, and I’m sure there’s so many people that don’t have anything to write about. Like me.

I have nothing to write about. I did nothing this weekend. Watched a lot of TV. Lot of football. Ate at Applebee’s and Denny’s. Christ my heart must hate me.

I need to cut my butt hair. If there’s anywhere that my hair needs to grow, it’s on my head. Not my freaking asshole. Shit. Yuck, that is way too much information, but it is what I was thinking.

On Friday, I packed up all of my shit at work to make it look like no one worked in my cubicle. Typically I don’t have much out, but without my sticky notes, random books and tacks in my wall, it looks pretty empty. One of my ex-coworkers, who is now my idol, used to have his desk like that. Very bare. Everyone knew he hated his life, his job, was an all around sad guy. His girlfriend of X years broke up with him the weekend before he started working. He was about to propose to her. Months later he found out she lived across the street with one of his good guys friends. Turns out they were dating. He wasn’t getting over her any time soon.

I read somewhere that if you don’t have sex often, you lose the intimacy. Interesting. That’s all I’d like to say about that.

My poker career has come to a grinding halt. I made $831 last month. This month I have made $410. HOWEVER, I have spent $550 on erroneous items. When I spend on “fun” stuff I say, “Ok, it’s alright because I’ve won X amount”. But it’s not alright! Because to me, I’m down $140 for this month. Many of you might say, “But Seth! You’ve won most of that money! Who cares if you spend some of it?” I do. Believe it or not, that’s work. Since November I’ve played almost 100 single table tournaments at the $60 level. Each one takes roughly 45 minutes to an hour. I play them typically 2 or 3 at a time. So, I’ve played 50 hours over the past two months for roughly $1200. Not too shabby. But still it does become a bit of a grind at times. (Like right now).

It is tough to give it up. It is tough to give up something that you like, and that makes you money, but after 2 hours a night, you get bored of, and even at times begin to hate. The stress is unneeded. I wonder if I’m getting my ulcer back again. My stomach hurts sometimes like it is coming back. Stress for 10 hours a day at work, and then fun, yet stressful poker for 2 hours a night. 12 hours of stress.

Michelle was sick this weekend. We were boring. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to go up to the mountains sometime soon. I want to plan a vacation. I’ve got 3 weeks of vacation and Michelle has got 2. So, I have an extra 5 days that I can do whatever I want to. We are trying to plan our wedding. I should go on a diet before the wedding. Freaking lose 10 pounds or something. Sometimes I think about when I was a kid, I always thought I would be famous for something. Then I realized I was a piece of shit and would be lucky to even get my 15 minutes of fame.

I wish I had a list of things to do. Every night. And every weekend. Someone should give me a list. That just says, ok, you’ll be in “work mode” from 7:20 am to 6:15 pm today. At 6:20, rest, 6:45 eat dinner, 7:00…On and on. That would be nice. Sometimes having all this freedom is kind of mind numbing. It gets to the point of, “I should go somewhere, but where should I go? I should do something, but what should I do? Doing something would cost money, money that I need to be saving for the house. Maybe I should play poker? Naw. I should’ve gone for a run this morning, it was dry until the rain came. Damn, I’m sofa king (heh) lazy. I don’t want to watch TV or read a book or play guitar or play piano, or bug my sister, maybe when Michelle calls, she’ll have an idea in mind.” Today when she called, she said, "Can you help me move a couch?" We moved a couch we bought for the house. I think that was the most action I saw today.

But, I am alive. And, I’m not hungry. That’s saying a lot. I can’t wait to move out. I hate being cooped up in this house. Maybe it was my dinner tonight? The fact that I’m going to eat a meal from Applebee’s 3 times? Once there, once for dinner tonight and then more leftovers for lunch tomorrow? The idea of eating that crap for lunch tomorrow makes me want to puke. I have not done that since May 2004. Fucking A. Amazing, it’s 2006. So far, it’s strangely familiar to last year. Hope yours isn’t. Ok, I’m giving up. I’m going to bed now.