Random Notes November 2007

Man I love these posts. Probably because I’m semi-ADD. Even though I’m not, I just like to say that I am as a partial excuse for wanting to move on to a completely separate topic out of nowhere.

I love online bill pay. I’ve been doing online bill payment ever since I worked for the bank(s). It was new 8 or so years ago. If you’re not using it now get with the new millennium. People don’t write checks to business anymore. I have nice little reminders I can even set for myself for transfers I want to make to and from bank accounts. It’s saved me the hassle of having another thing to remember – or *gasp* being late or completely missing a payment!

And on the topic of banking, have you noticed how on everyone’s (as in the bank’s) website they’re smiling? What’s the deal with that? All the financial institutions, banking, insurance, lenders, they have people smiling. Are they trying to tell us something? Maybe that having money makes you happy? Or maybe that being with that bank suddenly makes you burst in to a giant smile too large for a 1024 X 768 resolution? What are you guys so happy about? I hate when it seems like people are let in to some secret that I don’t know about. And maybe some sort of happiness secret since they’re face is glued to my screen…shining bright white teeth in all their glory.

It’s funny how that works. I can go up to someone who might be in too good of a mood. And it completely pisses me off (but I don’t let it show). Either I think they’re faking it, or I’m just hating on them because I’m not as chipper as they. But even in the opposite sense, if I go up to someone who’s pissed off, it makes me pissed off too. I guess I can’t win them all. Or win at all.

I hate stretch marks. They just feel weird. I have more than I think I should have. They’re right behind my armpit too. Some on my hip and inner thigh. Some in the fold of my arm. Weird crevices of skin that get itchy sometimes. I like to think that my body just grew too fast for itself. But it’s probably from lifting without stretching properly. Or maybe just stretching improperly. Either way, way to go me.

I’m currently reading a book called The Black Swan by Nicholas Taleb. It’s totally a nerd book. Half philosophy half finance. If you’re a total nerd like I am and get geeked out about things like the collapse of hedge funds then you might want to check it out. “It’s a total mind fuck!” raves me. Reading it makes me think differently about catastrophic events that have happened in my lifetime. Actually it puts a spin on a lot of things in my life that I never would have even thought of. So yeah. Mind fuck.

Songs are constantly getting stuck in my head. And the problem is, I don’t listen to music while at work. As in, if a song is stuck in my head at 7 am, it’ll probably be there when I leave at 3 pm. Once a coworker brought his i-pod in for a week, and I think suddenly realized how anti-social he was being. Maybe that’s why he didn’t bring it again? Maybe it broke? Anyway, the worst is when you’re listening to new music and a song gets stuck in your head and you don’t even know the whole chorus yet. Just one line from the chorus. And then you’re stuck singing the guitar part and maybe drumming on your desk. Or maybe when there’s that song that’s way overplayed now, like “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie that gets stuck and won’t get unstuck. I feel like this happens so often to me…why me?

While shopping for new cars online, I was watching a show I DVR – Top Gear. Hilarious show, awesome cars. And it’s on the BBC too so maybe you get a little culture to go with it? Maybe. Anyway, they were driving around the Porsche 911 Turbo and praising it like mad. What I loved to hear though was how comfortable it was driving in the city – stop and go traffic, or possibly getting the groceries. Also, what blew me away (and don’t quote me on this) is that the new 911 was almost considered one of the LEV – or Low Emission Vehicles. Yup, as good as your average Honda Civic when it came to polluting the air. When I heard that (other than the fact that it’s on the bottom rung of what I would consider a “supercar”) I was sold. And the sick thing was that I could buy it! If I put $40K down and financed over 5 years my car payment (not including insurance mind you) would be $600. Leasing it and putting a lot less down - $10K – came out to about $900 a month which was a little less affordable but doable. Hey, if Michelle got a brand new car, shouldn’t I get my Porsche? He laughs. Anyway, it’s always fun to dream – but sometimes when you do the numbers and you realize you can make your dreams a reality you get a little bit sick.

I wanted to write up my Christmas list within this random notes post, however I think I might just make that it’s own post. I’m sure I could put up at least a page as to why I want the things I do for Christmas.

I didn’t write a post about Thanksgiving. I felt obligated to (it feels odd to admit that) so I decided against it. It’s something that a lot of people go through, and I’m sure a lot of us share the same experiences every year. Maybe one year if deep frying the turkey catches the lawn on fire I’ll blog about it, but just know I had a good time, we had it at our house, and both of our families helped out with the food. And what would thanksgiving be without football? The Turkey bowl hurt my neck. A week later I still do not feel that I have full range of motion turning my head from side to side. Well done tackle football on the frozen ground.

You know how you sign up for those newsletters or those daily emails? Like the thought of the day, or dictionary.com’s word of the day? I’m signed up on way too many of those lists. And it almost becomes a chore to read through them every single day. Oh great! 24 new emails in my inbox! *click* Hmmm, let’s see. Not one personal email or one that I could really care about. Darn! I missed the 30% off at Eastbay again! *sign out* Why do I continue to stay on those mailing lists when I could easily unsubscribe? I guess signing in to an empty inbox is never a good feeling (that is unless you’ve checked it in the past 24 hours) and you never know when you’ll come upon something you’re actually interested in.

This evening, after being persuaded by Peter Griffin of Family Guy fame standing in front of a sandwich from Subway, I had to go and pick up “The Feast” sandwich. It was after our first playoff basketball game (which we barely won – I’m worried about next week when we play the first seed) and typically I like to eat “healthy” after I run around. Subway I figure is healthy enough. “The Feast” for those who haven’t seen the commercial yet is 5 types of meat and of course all the veggies you want. I get all of the veggies except for jalapenos. I don’t understand people who go to subway (like my wife) and only get lettuce and pickles. Seriously? The rest of the veggies are free. Why not get more for your – no money? It doesn’t make sense to not load up on the veggies. And I’m thinking that right now my readers are getting hungry for subway – if that’s possible. I’ve never in my life craved Subway. That’s a bad thing Subway. You guys should work on that. Anyway, “The Feast” ended up beating me. I was only able to finish a little more than half of it (foot long). I blame the free bag of baked lays that came with it because of the points we had earned. Go Subway cards. I miss the stickers we used to get for buying sandwiches. 1 sticker for a 6” and 2 for a foot long. I couldn’t wait to get my sticker page all filled up and get my free sandwich. Those were such simpler times.

Today I was one of the guys I used to hate as a customer service representative. I called Comcast to complain about my recent rate change for DVR service. The rate for DVR went from $13.95 a month for $15.95. Therefore increasing my bill every month for cable and internet to $93.45. And if you are paying more than that for Comcast or whoever you are going through, you shouldn’t. There are probably people out there who are paying even less than I am for the same service, but that’s as much discount as I could finagle out of them. 6 months ago I was paying $133 a month for the services (if you can call them that) so I’m pretty happy about my savings. Either way, I had to call and let them know they had raised my bill. But of course! They’ve included a mailer with their last 2 month’s bills informing us idiots (Chris the rep didn’t use this word, that’s just how I felt after he told me that – because I knew he was probably thinking that) that the rate would be rising. That’s the stuff I automatically chuck in the “this needs to go out to the recycling bin” bin. Anyway, nothing has changed Comcast. Why are you charging me $2 more per month? Is it because you need to squeeze every last penny out of every client you have? That’s probably true. I mean, shoot, how many customers do you have? Let’s just take a shot in the dark and say 700,000 loyal (pfftt) customers. 700,000 X $2/month X 12 months = Damn that adds up quickly. You guys suck and I can’t wait till Google takes over everything and I can watch what I want to watch, when I want to watch it and the only thing I’ll have to do to “pay” for it is to ignore a little text ad on the side bar of what I’m watching. Shake in your boots. Shake. They already dominate the internet, they’re moving to the wireless business and next they’re coming after you guys.

It’s a sad day when I’m calling the cable company complaining about a $2 rate increase.

Luckily in an hour and a half it’ll be Friday and that means the weekend which means naps. That’s probably why people like me like to stay up later on Thursday nights – because we know we can try and get that sleep back throughout the weekend.

I wish I could blog in the shower. I think a lot in there. About good blog ideas too. There was something I wanted to mention in this random notes post that I was thinking about in the shower, but now that I’m out of the shower I completely forgot.

Ah well.

What is the past tense of spasm? Totally random I know.

(It feels weird to end it like that, but here I am ending it within a parentheses – even more ironic that I wrote the actual word “parentheses” in here)

The Tuesday Afternoon Drive Home

It’s amazing I don’t have more nose bleeds.

Typically I can attribute a nose bleed to the dry climate. I usually get them in Vegas, Arizona or California. Sometimes in Eastern Washington during the summer. Just way too hot, and too dry for my nose to handle. I guess.

I’ve always just had this assumption that nose bleeds occurred from thinking too hard – or too much. Too much blood in that area of the body – it’s gotta get out somewhere. I’m sure that’s completely false, but whatever.

My commute is 10 minutes. 12 minutes on a bad day. For me to have such life altering self-analytical thoughts is just too much (maybe?).

Which got me thinking – I think I think – or over-think way more than I should. My mind is too active (definitely).

This post is supposed to be short because I started it later than I wanted to. And I wanted to get in at least 3 posts for November to try and keep up with getting close to that set goal I had for myself of blogging at least 4 times a month.

Anyway, as soon as I left work and got in my car here was my thought stream:

I was thinking about how people who have jobs have in some way sold their souls. They’ve put a price tag on the value of their time – and mainly their life and energy. How much are you worth on an hourly, monthly or yearly basis? Are you dead inside? Am I dead inside?

And how is that we all continue to lie to ourselves? The lie that more is always better? Or am I the only one that thinks this could possibly be a lie? Am I the only one that thinks of this kind of stuff while driving home on a Tuesday afternoon? Maybe I am thinking way too much.

But seriously though. What lies do we tell ourselves that help us make it through each day? Maybe it’s about your health, or your finances. Possibly your relationships with your friends and family or the satisfaction from your recent payment for your soul. Is it that things are better than you think they are? Or maybe worse than you perceive? That perception – it’s a tricky thing. Always brings me back to, “If you a tell a lie enough, it becomes truth/people begin to believe it”. Or however that saying goes. I can tell myself plenty of times that being in that cubicle for 8 hours a day is the best use of my time. A lot of the other people I know are doing it. But do I believe it’s the best thing I could be doing right now?

My coworker said something interesting yesterday. We were commiserating about how gloomy of a Monday it was, and how it all felt very isolated – just us and our monitors. And she said something interesting that has stuck with me, which I was also thinking about on the way home.

She said that she was “Wishing it was Wednesday already”. Well, maybe those weren’t her exact words. Maybe it was Thursday – or the weekend. But I like to think Wednesday, because it’s optimistic, but not too ahead of ourselves. But what I remember of our conversation is what caught me. While we sat there and continued to sell our souls – we were wishing time to move faster – forward – skip ahead - we were actually wishing our lives away. Shouldn’t we take Monday, or any day for what it is? Not try to discount it or look past it? Could it be possible that after so many wishing away of Mondays-Thursdays we could wish for them back in future? As a kid I wished I was a teenager. A teenager wishing to be an adult. Very soon that wishing is going to catch up with me I’m afraid.

And then I was home. And opening the garage. And parking the car.

Getting out of the car, closing the garage. Opening up the door to the house.

And thinking about how there probably aren’t very many people out there who question their state of mind – their thoughts on their own life as much as I do on their afternoon commute. I even had my radio on to hopefully drown out these “meaning of life” questions that tend to haunt me from time to time to no avail. I still have no answers for many of my questions. And I honestly feel that questioning myself like this can leave me in a bit of turmoil.

Thank God I get to write it all out to confirm my looney bin escapee status.

She Rides Again

On November 9^th, 2007 I got the dreaded call from my wife – a call that I’ve missed in the past (not verbatim but close):

“Hey, I just stopped at Jiffy Lube and the guy said they couldn’t work on the car because there’s coolant all over the engine. They said to take it to a mechanic immediately.”

I didn’t think much of it at the time. Or at least right after the call.

Her car had broken down before. And always come back to life. We had talked about the price of fixing the car versus the value of the car. Kelly Blue Book gave us a dollar amount of $1300 in excellent condition. It could at best be considered “good” condition. And in broken down condition? A pile of scrap metal basically.

The maximum we were willing to spend to fix the car was $500. Almost half of the price of the actual vehicle we thought.

But as soon as we realized that the car may not be worth fixing we started the car shopping. Toyota, Honda, Lexus…we even drove in and out of a Mercedes Benz dealership. Luckily no one was there. Remind me to go car shopping during the summer. It’s much warmer at night.

About 6 months ago, I was looking online for cars (just for fun) and noticed that Honda had come out with a Civic Si – but this time in Sedan form. Wow. I looked. I wished. I drooled. Good price too! $21K – they weren’t expecting too much – a fraction more than what I had bought my Si back in May of 2000 for.

A few days later the call came through that it wasn’t worth it to fix the car – from the mechanic. News got to my in-laws and my father in law offered to fix it as a “project car”. We just had to cover the parts.

What at first glance looked like we had to purchase another car now suddenly became a choice.

And I struggled with it. A lot.

It was my head versus my guts. I didn’t like it at all.

Here’s a bit of what has been running through my head the past few weeks:

Pros of getting a new car:

-It’s a new car. I don’t expect to have problems with it for at least the next 3 years. And if we do they would all be covered by the warranty. I know who has driven the car, who has owned it and how they’ve treated it. And as much as people say buying a new car isn’t that smart financially – no one really ever mentions the risks associated with even buying cars that are “dealer certified”.

-It’s got almost everything that my wife wanted in a car – except for the heated seats. It’s got head lights that actually illuminate the road, a radio that works and displays the time properly, a sun roof, and most importantly 4 doors.

-We were offered one heck of a deal from a friend of the family. Sticker on the Si sedans is $24K (or more if you get swindled out of it). We were given the dealership cost plus $500. $20,700. Go out and try to get an Si right now. I guarantee they won’t go any lower than $23,000 for you. They’re in high demand, sales people know that, and you’ll have one hell of a time even arguing $1,000 off the top.

-The financing they are offering us is almost unbeatable. 2.9% I can definitely handle. In a situation like this it makes sense to pay down my mortgage first over this car. Of course I would be much happier with a 0% interest rate, but literally the difference comes to a few hundred dollars over 3 years. I burn a few hundred dollars doing less worthy things.

-The car is exactly the car I would’ve wanted for my wife. It’s a stick. It’s quick. It’s 4 doors and reliable. But it’s black and doesn’t stand out. I won’t dread driving “her car” if she wants me to. I have seen families before who are “all sticks (manuals or standards)” – and I thought it was the coolest thing. I also hold people who drive sticks (or who know how) up on a pedestal. Call me crazy, but after driving a stick for 7 years through all that traffic I still love it and wouldn’t change a thing.

-Hopefully she can be happy now in really the only thing that wasn’t “nice” in her life – and that was her car. Now instead of getting made fun of by her friends maybe they can be a little bit jealous.

-We wouldn’t know exactly how long her old Pontiac Sunfire would last – even if it was fixed. And we didn’t know when her dad would get around to actually fixing it. I didn’t want to drive his truck to work anymore. It’s fun to drive every now and then, but every day to work and not being able to even fit it in a parking spot, let alone park it? Last night I filled up a little over a quarter tank yesterday in gas and it was $35. No thanks 11 miles per gallon. If we did wait for the Pontiac to get fixed it might be another month or more of driving the truck. And when the Pontiac did get fixed the car might die again in a month, or three and we’d be looking for another car again.

Cons of getting a new car:

-We were 3 months away from finishing all of the debt on the investment property we own. So close I could taste the extra money. We financed all the upgrades to the condo on 0% interest rate cards and it’s saved us a lot of heartache and also given us a lot of flexibility and freedom that paying a lot of those costs up front would not have. Those are two things we won’t be feeling for the next few months until we get those cards paid off.

-We go from $0 in car payments to at least $375 a month. Insurance is going to go up anywhere between $50 to $75 a month. To round up, this is going to be an extra $500 a month we’re going to have to come up with – where from, I’m not really sure. We’re pretty well spent every month. And this is really what has scared the heck out of me. I know that she has a pretty solid job, and I’m not worried about her – but I’m not so sure of myself. The other day I received an email from Ticketmaster about a concert in May of 2008. I couldn’t believe that they were sending me an email about May of next year! Seriously? I can’t even think of what February of 2008 is going to be like, let alone next May! Maybe I’m paranoid and pay way too much attention to what is going on in the market, but I feel like 2008-2009 are going to be some of the toughest economic times the US has ever seen. I hope for all of our sakes I am wrong.

-Along with her friends/family being jealous of the new car, I get to be the main hater. I bought the car for her, but I don’t want it for myself. It’s a beautiful car. It’s the reincarnation of my first true car love – my old Si (RIP). Seeing it parked in the garage, and washing it and vacuuming it from time to time, knowing that it probably never sees redline through 3 gears…it’s going to pain me a bit. I know, it’s terrible, people are probably laughing at this right now, but it’s just not my car. And I do it to myself almost as a kind of motivation. The proverbial carrot in my own garage. “Look at what amazing material things you can buy yourself if you work hard enough!” Sad, but true. I am hoping that the novelty of the new car wears off within 3 months. And if not then, hopefully in 3years.

-A friend of mine gave me some good advice about cars. Obviously everyone knows they are a waste of money. But for some of us in this country, they are a necessity. He said that you should only buy a car when your old car is completely unbearable to drive. This will probably stick with me when it comes to my car. But my wife’s old car wasn’t unbearable. It just needed a lot of work and I guess money we didn’t want to spend to fix it.

We will never know how long that Sunfire will run though. For the car’s sake I hope for years to come. We went out and bought the 2008 Civic Si Sedan this afternoon. $22,800 after taxes. We put down $10,000 of my investment earnings and drove it home through an hour and a half of traffic. I’m glad I drove my car out there and I was able to watch my wife follow me home in her new car. From what I remember when I bought my Si back in 2000 – there’s an immediate “love at first drive” that you get when you first drive a car that you really want. Luckily for me I wasn’t driving or riding with her tonight. I’ll stick with my car with no car payment for as long as I can.

So after 2 and a half weeks we made the decision to just suck it up and deal with the financial consequences as they come. How in the world does everyone else do it? They just view the car payment as a necessary evil? I suppose I’m in that boat now too.

The car is perfect. I thought I saw maybe 1 or 2 scratches on it, that ended up being dry water spots from it’s washing this afternoon. It’s got the new car smell and had 17 miles on it. We were told that it was going to have “10 miles or less” on it so I’m sure one of the mechanic boys (they looked like a bunch of kids younger than me) took it out for a bit of a joy ride. That’s fine. It’s in good hands now.

So for this round, my gut won out. The smart financial thing to do would’ve been to take the risk of driving the Sunfire for as long as we could and save as much as possible so that we could buy another beater that could be driven for another 10 years. But sometimes in life you have to live it up a little and treat yourself for working so hard. November 20^th, 2007. Welcome to the family once again, Civic Si.

Side prayer:

Please don’t let it get all banged up in an accident or any big scratches or dents for at least the first few years of ownership.

Also, you took my first one away from me God. Maybe because I was too proud of it? Or maybe the money earned from the parts sold from it were able to feed hungry families? Either way, do you mind if we keep this one for longer than 2 years this time? I know it’s silly, but at the time it was pretty painful to lose my car. My wife says I’m still mad about it almost 5 years later. It’s possible that I am.

Thanks for your consideration.

It Seems Fitting...

That I find out on Halloween. Of course.

Last week they ran the blood tests. Everything looked good. Blood count was normal. No sign of the bacteria that caused my first ulcer. They suggested I go in for an endoscope.

Yesterday I was out all day as they shoved something down my throat so they could check things in my upper abdomen.

And they found what I had feared to be true. That it was worse than my ulcer. Honestly, I never thought it would happen to me. I thought this happened to unhealthy people. People that smoked, or drank too much. Maybe ate unhealthy foods frequently. But I guess you can chalk me up as another statistic.

They found cancer in the small of my intestine. “Adenocarcinoma” is what the doctor said. While I was under they decided to search further and found tumors also within my pancreas. And the sick thing was? Is that the doctor called me down to talk to me in person! You know what kind of drive that was? Knowing that your doctor wasn’t willing to tell you over the phone what was going on and wanted to talk to you “in person”?

I literally don’t know what to do right now.

I can’t do anything. I am literally sitting here in shock looking at this cursor blink. I want to delete everything I just wrote but I know it won’t change anything.

I’ve been told that since we found this somewhat late that I’ve got a very slim chance of survival. Reading on the internet tonight I found that the mortality rate for patients with pancreatic cancer is 99% after 5 years. 3 to 6 months is what I’ve been told. No point in even trying to treat it or radiate.

So, I don’t know where to go or what to do from here…

I don’t even know if I want to go in to work tomorrow. Seriously, what would be the point? Do other people that get diagnosed like this just continue on their daily routine?

Everyone was over tonight to talk about it. Hug me and tell me that they loved me. My mom was an absolute mess…I’m so sorry this is happening mom…

Everyone offered to stay the night but I told them to go home because they probably wouldn’t allow me to sleep anyway.

Not as if I will get any sleep tonight.

I was going to write this whole thing about how I feel like I’ve lived a full life already. How I’ve had almost any experience that a guy my age could ask for. That if I died tomorrow it wouldn’t be that big of a problem since I was pretty lucky for everything that I’ve been through. I’m not so sure of that anymore.

I wanted to write to all my family, friends and loved ones and just let them all know what they’ve really meant to me. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. I wanted to write every day that I could from here on out…because I wanted to find something in each of those days to really be memorable.

I’m waiting for the moment when I break down. I know there is going to be a point where I start crying. Where this numbness that I feel right now subsides and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I want to spend the next 3 days in bed.

…

For those of the readers that have made it this far…did I scare you enough? That was your Halloween scare! Terrible I know! The reason I wanted to write this is because it’s almost as if I wanted to prepare myself for the worst…

In all seriousness, let me please provide everyone with the real update of what’s really going on with my stomach:

I got the blood work back today. Everything is negative. This is good and bad in a way. It means that I don’t have a bleeding ulcer (I think). It means I am not positive for the bacteria that caused my last ulcer (I know). Which is all good, but bad in a way because my stomach still hurts…It means that I’m probably going to have to get more tests done…like the endoscope to check out what’s really going on in there…

I really really hope that it is just something silly like stress or weird heart burn or indigestion. Please God let it be that. I’m sure after reading the first section of this post you’ll actually hope that I do die. Seriously, I don’t want to (as much as you may want me to now). Maybe I should’ve saved this for April Fool’s? Naw, for me it was too perfect of timing. Honestly, writing this post served two purposes: First off, hopefully to scare the heck out of everyone reading it (hopefully it didn’t seem too unbelievable, I thought the part about my mom was a bit much), and secondly to almost prepare myself in a way for something that might possibly be true (all of the symptoms of intestinal cancer fit as much as I hate to admit it).

So I’m still scared. I’m very scared. I want to know that it’s nothing and that I can be fixed (if it is something minor). So there was a bit of truth to what I’ve written above – but until I get the real news that something like this has occurred – I’m sure those reading won’t find out through my blog…

So cross your fingers or pray for me or whatever you do (even though you probably don’t want to now because you think I’m a sick and morbid off-kilter SOB)…I’m going in for more tests soon…

Fire and Water Conspiracies

I love conspiracies.

And not for the reason that I’m paranoid and think everyone is out to get me, or that the major multinational corporations/national governments are watching my every move, but because I like the way they sort of make things fit. In some instances they provide speculators the ability to come up with their own thoughts on what actually is happening – or reasons behind certain events.

And just quickly going over most of my favorite conspiracies in my head, it all comes down to one thing: Money. Everyone has a price, and anything can be bought. Money can make people do things they wouldn’t ever think of doing normally.

Recently, I’ve seen a couple of things go down that definitely caught my attention. Obviously, one was much more harmful than the other, but I think both have a bit of a conspiracy to them (read: There’s a lot of money on the line).

First and worst off is the recent California fires. Ridiculous amounts of homes and land have been burned. Billions will be lost. Over the past week and a half, I have been waiting for the reports of arson. Because I knew this would create a pretty good out for a lot of people in financial trouble.

Then, on the way to work, listening to NPR I heard there was a possibility that 3 of the major fires may have been attributed to arson. That was all I needed for my conspiracy to come together. Honestly, I’m sure someone else has already come up with this…and if they have I would love to read it because more than likely they are better writers than I am.

Here’s how the California fire conspiracy has gone down:

-California has and will have one of the worst housing markets over the next few years. With so much land available in many areas, and many speculators coming in since 2001 and raising property values – the prices of homes in certain areas (San Diego *cough*) has skyrocketed to exorbitant levels. Half a million dollars for an 800 square foot condo? Please!

-Along with the rapid growth of home prices has come the ridiculous amount of lending that has been done – especially using sub prime vehicles to finance these million dollar houses.

-With luxury home prices come all of the builders looking to cash in on the next California gold rush. If homes are in demand they’re going to build as many as they can as fast as they can damn it!

-Finally someone woke up and said they weren’t going to pay $3.4 million for a 1300 square foot townhouse off of the PCH. And all of those speculators who held on for a bit too long started to get burned and wanted to get out making something. The selling pressure from everyone to cash out of their homes before the guy down the street did drove down prices. Suddenly there was way too much inventory on the market and no one could move their property because all the buyers had bought already, and those that sold had already left. Those that got in late, or way over their heads can’t move their property so they face foreclosure…bankruptcy – a complete mess. There are even some properties previous to the fire that were being auctioned off at a 50% discount!

I love San Diego so I had to check it out for myself…

http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/13782125/detail.html

It’s even happening just blocks from me. I’ve recently seen a builder buy an acre lot, knock down the house, cut down all the trees, and with a dirt lot, just walk off realizing they probably wouldn’t be able to sell the houses they build on the lot for the price they need to breakeven.

The dirt lot is now for sale.

So what does money do? Money will claw and scratch and bite to save itself. Anything to prevent losing massive amounts of it. And who would be perfect to provide us with a bail out in a situation like this?

Insurance companies.

For at least the past 3 years, companies like State Farm and Progressive have posted record amounts of profit in the California area. Why? Think of all those new home buyers wanting to insure their million dollar homes. Think of the premium on a million dollar home…and without any major earthquakes, fires, floods, storms, and tsunamis…you’ve got 100% profit on those premiums.

Someone must have recognized this. In my opinion it had to be someone with a lot of money on the line. I’m thinking one of the homebuilders. When you put up billions of dollars to develop land, and you’re holding those properties for more than a year? That’s a lot of carrying costs…and a lot of lost money. How hard would it be to pay a group of people a small portion of what you’re losing every month and burn down your properties? You’ve got them fully insured until they sell right? And the deductible is nothing compared to the carrying cost you face if you continue to hold these properties…

And the insurance companies have been gouging everyone anyway right? It’s about time they got back some of that money they’ve been paying…for seemingly nothing…Suddenly that homebuilder which is carrying multiple properties on one of their unsold lots, hemorrhaging millions of dollars a month, now only owes 20-40% of their deductible on the homes if they want to replace them. Doesn’t that sound better than giving up a home for a 50% loss to a seller?

It’s just unfortunate that this might have gotten out of control…I’m not sure if it was planned to light these fires along with the Santa Ana winds…but the whole thing is kind of sickening when I start to think about it like this. All the innocent homeowners who have lost everything. All of the firefighters battling the flames 4 days straight without sleep and little to eat. California as a whole is going to suffer for years to come…in this situation I’d hate for what I’ve previously written to be right…but like I said, to me, it just fits. It makes sense. I hope I never see that this conspiracy might be true.

As a side note, I have heard of insurance companies either completely dropping clients now or upping rates in California to unbelievable amounts. So overall, this may just be a loss-loss situation for everyone out there…

Now on to a little bit lighter conspiracy – but still an interesting one for me.

In the South Eastern corner of our nation they’re currently experiencing a massive drought.

http://news.google.com/news?q=South+Eastern+Drought&hl=en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=news_result&resnum=1&ct=title

I know, that’s a link to a google search…but there’s enough articles there to fill a day of reading…

So while one side of the country burns…the other yearns for water. Sounds pretty similar. It seems kind of silly to me with more than half of the Earth’s surface covered in water that we would ever face something like this. And yes, I understand that most of it is salt water, but there is some pretty amazing stuff coming out of desalination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desalination

So what does the local government do? Just like any other area would do: It tells it’s constituents to conserve…or else.

Fines for watering the lawn can be up to $1,000 in certain areas: http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/1886924/

So where’s the conspiracy here you might be asking? First off – there should almost never be any shortage of water supply anywhere in the United States. For how well our infrastructure is built here, and how we’ve got the East and West coasts – cities and entire states should always be prepared with enough water. I know it’s not easy to do, but I’m sure more “liquid rich” areas could ship down enough water to fill critical reservoirs for the South East. It just makes sense…if they need it, then fly it or drive it to them! We do the same thing with power shortages…

Here’s what a drought does though: It creates revenue. Suddenly city water workers can drive around the city citing residents for watering their lawns or just using too much water. Fines for using your water? Sounds like free money for your government! That’s better than tax since the people expect something from the tax money that they pay!

Secondly, since I’m assuming at least 80% of the population of that area will do their best to conserve in this so called drought – they’re going to change habits. A 30 minute warm bath will now become a 3 minute shower. Lawn watering will no longer be done and there won’t be a lawn to take care of any longer. Toilets won’t be flushed as often. Dish washing will be done on a full load and the same will go for laundry.

But what happens to the water and sewer company? All this conservation and suddenly their revenues – the money that they earn per gallon of water that their clients use is cut possibly in half! Now they are the ones losing money.

Well here’s a solution for them – just like they did to us here in Washington a few years ago. With everyone getting used to conserving water and energy – all we have to do as a utility or water company is just raise rates! Makes sense right? If you’re paying me 50% less per month because of your drop in energy and water consumption, I’ll make up my profits by charging you 100% more!

One of my favorite sayings has always been “they get you coming and going”. The whole cause and effect of drought = conservation will always be interesting to me as I see it play out throughout the country. Kind of sad how hard people will try to make a buck…or prevent themselves from losing one.

My best goes out to everyone struggling with what I’ve mentioned here. I’m sure the road will be long and hard, but my hope is that each day it’ll be getting better.

Three Months and the Kid Thinks He Knows Something

On the 26^th of October (this coming Friday), it will mark 3 months of trading stocks and options online for me. The starting amount was fifty thousand dollars (spelled out for effect as usual). I had no idea what to do, how to do it, or how I was going to do. All I had was a history of investing through retirement accounts and doing quite well for myself (IMO). I was confident, but at the same time very scared – I know this doesn’t make sense, but this is how the market makes you feel. At the very minimum two faced.

First, the results: After losing six thousand dollars today my account balance is roughly at eighty five thousand dollars. That means I have made thirty five thousand dollars in three months. A seventy percent return. Now I’m sure that there are plenty of pros out there that have done better, and I’ve seen with my own eyes the people out there who could have possibly made over two thousand percent return in the same time (which with an initial fifty thousand dollar investment would equate to an even million – ok I’ll stop spelling out now).

To recap from when I originally posted this – I felt I could beat the 8.74% interest I would be paying on my home equity line of credit. And I’ve done it – for now. And since I had dreams of grandeur, I figured I should take a shot at getting to my destination as quickly as possible.

My first goal was to beat out the interest rate I’m paying on the money I borrow. Once that goal was surpassed, the next stepping stone would be to beat the average for the market at 12%. (For those of you invested through other “professionals” – please ask them if they are outperforming the market and by how much – I’ve heard that 80% of fund managers don’t). My next goal was to reach and possibly surpass what I will continue to shoot for every year since my first full year investing: A 34% annual return.

This is one of my favorite calculators: http://cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/savingscalc/savingscalc.html

Check it out when you get the chance. It’s amazing what putting 15% of your money away a year and the possibility of earning a 34% return every year can get you. The goal is to make enough money so I can retire and live off of interest for the rest of my life from 42 onwards. That’s 16 and a half years from now. Not saying I’ll stop working – but maybe I’ll work for fun instead of having to.

Now on to what I really have wanted to write about (it took me freaking 5 minutes to find that calculator – someone better use it).

Over the past 3 months, here are a few things that I’ve learned. And a few things I’ve wanted to teach myself. So when I write “you” here, I’m not referring to you – it’s just something I’d like to read for myself when I go through another day like this, and remember where I came from – and hopefully how much I’ve grown.

-First and foremost, I’ll probably end up stealing from the best. Because I feel it is probably the most important thing about investing – Warren Buffet’s rules:

Rule #1 – Don’t lose money

Rule #2 – Refer to Rule #1.

Easy peasy right? Wrong. On August 16^th 2007, a day I won’t soon forget – my account balance dipped below the $50K mark, and in to the red. Although it was intraday, I was down about 40% of the way to the MAXIMUM loss point I was allowing myself (and still allowing myself) of $10K. That was a scary time. I don’t ever want to live through that again – although I’m sure we’ll have plenty more days like that over the next 17 years.

-Which brings me to my next point: Protect profits. Make them, keep them. I gambled yesterday and got killed. 2 weeks ago I was at a profit of $46K. Less than 8% return away from 100%. And I got caught with how much capital I had to swing around. A bit of hubris and they all start to fall.

-You’ve got to have guts of steel (or balls – or something) in order to play. Big returns require a lot of risk. You have to have conviction the reason you’re making a certain play will work out. I don’t know how many times I’ve sold way too early only to kick myself a week later for missing out on more profit. And I kick myself for missing profit more than I congratulate myself for getting out while the getting was good. So over the past 3 months I know my plays have been solid. One thing I’m going to try to teach myself is to let enough of a position go to where I feel comfortable in just letting it ride. I’m too quick to pull the trigger on an entire position as soon as I’m in the green. I would’ve been a much richer man if I had left some scraps on the table for myself to eat later (terrible – makes no sense, but I’m leaving it).

-Options are not for the faint hearted. Neither are hot sectors, or Chinese stocks (as of today). High flying stocks can move 20% in a day – in either direction. And you can lose 99.9% of your option value or at the same time make a 7000% return. Welcome to one of the most ridiculous games on planet earth – gambling with ridiculous amounts of green.

-Picking stocks for me is easy (I laugh). First check the fundamentals. Jim Cramer says that growth to wall street is like crack to addicts. Revenue and profit growth, and hopefully a company that’s on it’s first leg of the growth cycle – you’ve got a winner right there. Compare it with the price to earnings though. A good stock should have a P/E ratio of at most 2 times the percentage of revenue growth. (The sweet spot is around 1.5 times for me). The current average is a P/E ratio of 22 across the entire market. High growth stocks deserve high multiples. After comparing with the average, compare with competitors. One of my favorite plays I’ve made this year is investing in Hewlett Packard (and I just bought one of their laptops – awesome). The growth looked good, they make a good product – and their closest competitor (at the time I bought HPQ), Dell was trading at a 10% higher P/E multiple than them. If that doesn’t scream “FREE 10% RETURN!” I don’t know what does. After doing your comparisons, watch the stock. Don’t jump right in. Understand the movement – where it’s headed. A lot of emotion drives the price of the stocks – so get in tune with that. I’ve seen a lot of good companies with great fundamentals but wall street just hates them. And it might be awhile before that sentiment changes. Each stock has it’s own story – understand it as best you can before risking any money.

-Price. I’ve made plenty of plays these past few months just based off of price. Stocks will oscillate with no news. You can make plays on price alone. Game Stop (GME) has climbed and slipped between $54 to $60 and back down to $55 over the past month. Make 3 moves at the right time and you’ve got a 30% return (or more) and the stock hasn’t moved really at all. Buy and hold my ass. Set price points for yourself though. Entry and exit. If you’ve made a profit and if it still doesn’t hit your price point, you still have my blessing to sell (or buy to cover). A stock’s price should never be anything other than what it currently is. I believe in an efficient market where all knowledge is priced in to a stock. So when I hear that HPQ should be a $54 stock today – it bugs the hell out of me. People will pay for a stock what they believe it to be worth. Nothing more, nothing less.

-Making money is better than making no money or losing money. So what if you made only $5 in the market today? That’s more than you had yesterday. Enough said.

-Build positions in a security. Buying it all at once ties your hands if in case the position starts to move in the opposite direction you expected it to. I give myself typically 2-5 purchases at most. Buying 25% of what I want my maximum holdings to be. Then possibly doubling that position, then doubling again if need be. Building in a good average price will make for more profit when the position starts moving in your favor. Remember, it’s not a realized loss until you sell.

-Respect the market. On a given day, an average of 70-90% of stocks will move along with the market. Regardless of what high flying tech stock you own, if the Dow is down 400 points that day, I’m willing to bet (and give you odds) your stock isn’t going up. Be ready. At any time the market could fall out and if you aren’t paying attention you might have just lost your shirt (along with possibly your house in my case). Respect is definitely required – but I don’t feel that fear is necessary.

-Don’t waste mental capital. As much as I write this one out, I’m not sure if it will ever come true for me – or stick for that matter. Remember the “kicking myself” I wrote about? I do that way way way too much. Always telling myself that I sold too early – or that I should’ve sold. Or that I should’ve bought more. I need to learn to move on and stop wasting my time on the past. The market is lightning fast and there is opportunity for profit in every corner. Wasting my time thinking about how I could have had some ridiculous amount of profit in a play I screwed up on 2 weeks ago is not going to help me make profit now. Learn the lesson. Move on. (This is probably my #1 biggest struggling point right now)

-The definition of “smart” to me – in regards to the market – is seeing something way before the other guy does. Or, I suppose, the other guys - the masses. Spot your trend or the movement in a security even days before everyone else does and you’ll make enough returns to possibly go pro. Everything in the market is connected. Connect the dots before anyone else does and it’s free money. For those that realized what was going on with the sub prime market – the stated income, no money down, negative amortization loans – there were people out there who knew that sooner or later all of them would come crashing down – just a matter of time. The guys that saw that coming probably just bought themselves another Manhattan sky rise, or possibly a bigger yacht (if that’s your type of thing). Get in early, have conviction, let it ride. That basically defines this blog post.

-Research. Read as much as you can about stocks you are interested in. Understand what everyone has to say about those companies – and check your own bias against theirs. Think for yourself. Following the crowd may end up getting you trampled if they turn quickly on you and you’re not paying attention.

-Investing is a marathon, not a sprint. I have at least the next 16 years of my life to reach one of my goals. But between now and then is a lot of time. Things will happen I can’t control. Time will change almost everything. Not every day will be a homerun, or even a single. Some days I will lose, and I expect to lose. The market has made me feel rich like a king on a given day and the next day made me feel like a complete idiot novice who should quit while he’s ahead. I do hope that over this marathon, the steep climbs and the huge drop offs will start to subside as I get better at this. I’m not sure my knees (or my heart) could take much more of the swings. But I do know that as long as I continue to keep my head up and look at the big picture, I’m sure I’ll do just fine.

Good luck to us all (especially me).

*Sigh*

C’mon.

Think of something to write.

I know that I’ve had so many ideas for subjects, topics to talk about, things to be celebrated and other things to complain about. But every time I thought of something to put in here, I thought to myself how I probably couldn’t put more than a paragraph in to it. And therefore couldn’t live up to some ridiculous standard that I set for myself in this blog that each post I put up has to be at least 3 pages long, single spaced.

Last week I noticed I was starting to nap a lot more than my usual amount. (Which is about 2 naps per week – Friday afternoon and Saturday afternoon). And then when coming out of the nap I wasn’t really able to jump out of bed like I normally do. Usually when coming out of bed, I am able to just stand up, get my clothes on, stretch, maybe yawn…and just go.

Then I noticed the stomach cramps. Then the black stool (sorry, gross, I know, but my blog). And I knew it had come. Just like all the previous years. Just like my other problems – mainly the alopecia.

Every 2 or 3 years or so, the acid in my stomach burns a hole through the stomach lining…therefore creating – you guessed it – an ulcer. I attribute it to stress, I attribute it to not eating as healthy as I should be – I attribute it to a bacteria called “h. pylori” (sp). If you’re really bored you can look it up (on wikipedia) and be grossed out just by knowing me. But it’s something I’ve had since I was about 13 or so – and as much as we try and fight it with antibiotics, it always makes it’s way back in to my life.

So I guess this has turned in to “let’s learn about something weird about Seth’s body night”. Oh well, something to write about. And here’s the main point I want to make: Ladies, I know what cramps feel like. My bleeding ulcer I guarantee hurts about as bad as your cramps do, if not worse. It won’t let me sleep.

I get abnormally tired from the blood loss. Being tired makes me moody. I have problems focusing.

I am a mess.

Luckily I know how to fight it...and it’s slowly starting to work. Take an acid reducer like Prilosec (which is what I’ve been taking the past week) and also take in some iron (from something like Centrum) to help with the blood loss.

But until my stomach stops hurting, it sucks. I know, I know, I should go see the doctor. I will, soon. Of course not tomorrow or the day after that - I’m just so stubborn.

On the way home and on the way to work recently I’ve been listening to NPR. I would listen to it on and off throughout the years – jazz being the first thing to draw me in – but over the past few weeks it has been the only station on in my car. I’ve been thinking about pledging some money to their station (and I’d recommend anyone else reading this to do likewise) because they are a publicly funded radio station. I realized those few minutes of joy I receive getting “enlightened” every day is actually worth something to me.

And they made a good point last night (while I was listening on the way to my basketball game). The cable company tells you how much to pay. And then they basically tell you what to watch (you have a choice of what is available from their lineup). Just like the other utilities. They tell you how much the service is; then they take your money. NPR is free for everyone to enjoy. And they don’t force you to put a price on it. But since both my company and my wife’s company matches the contribution, I’ll be giving NPR a good donation for what I feel on most of the days I work are the smartest part of the day – actually listening to that station. (88.5). Actually, the only thing I don’t like is the Saturday night blues – since I’m not a huge fan of blues. Fun to play, but not that fun to listen to. And who is freaking listening to NPR anyway on a Saturday night?

A nerd like me.

So if you wanted to check it out (if you haven’t already), I’m a huge fan of “All Things Considered”. http://www.kplu.org/home2.html That’s the website for those that would like to check it out/donate. The best way I can put it is that their programs are informative but at the same time highly entertaining (again for a semi-nerd like me). The best mix for something to keep my attention I’ve found.

The reason I wanted to mention NPR is that they’ve been doing an afternoon series on what’s going on in the Middle East. It’s such heartbreaking stuff to hear from the kids caught up in the mess of things – Iraqi teenagers who don’t understand the war and just want to hang out with their friends and play soccer. On the way home today I heard a story about a group of officers serving in Iraq. They were talking about how they swore never to leave a fallen soldier behind. A few months ago, they were attacked and two of the men in their group were held hostage. Since then, they have been searching day and night to find them. They think the villagers know where the men are – but since it has been so long and they’ve had no luck they’re just presuming those two soldiers as dead.

A 19 and 24 year old.

And yes, it is an emotional story – but the reason I wanted to share it here is because it gives me a little perspective. Owww – my stomach hurts. But at least I’m not over there fighting or losing one of my best friends. It almost makes me feel lucky that that is the worst part of what’s going on in my life right now.

The *sigh* though is just how I’m feeling lately. Work has gotten a lot tougher – the stomach thing – and now the cold and dark are back for the next 8 months. On Sunday I took the dog out for a run and everyone was out in our neighborhood – which is rare because most of the time this neighborhood feels like a ghost town. (Suburbs = Isolation) Families were walking, people were playing ping pong and badminton, and kids were riding their bikes. I think everyone realized like I did that this was probably going to be the last day of warm weather we were going to get. I would be pleasantly surprised if I got at least one more day in of being able to run outside in my basketball shorts and feel comfortable.

If that was the last day we get – it was a good end to what was not that great of a summer (weather wise). Thanks for trying though.

For the Employed

Happy 100^th post to me!

Really short post tonight.

Meh, most of my posts are tl;dr anyway.

So for those of you who don’t like to read that much, here’s one for you (I’ll try to keep it under one page or less).

What would you do if tomorrow you didn’t have to work? Or the day after that? Or for the rest of your life? What if you had no schedule to adhere to? No commute? How would that change your life?

Recently I’ve found myself disliking my job more and more. A year ago it was the perfect job. Now it’s about 70% as perfect as it once was. And it’s mainly because we have less people to do the same amount of work as even 3 months ago – and along with that my pay hasn’t increased. Go figure.

But even if I did get a pay raise, what would be enough for me? Obviously I have a number I would be very happy with – but it’s unrealistic.

But the thing I’ve had trouble with recently is how I would be if I was at home every day with the dog. I mean, I’ve been at home sick on my own for a few days and while everyone was away at work I was just trying my best to fill time…

I always said that there were so many things that I could do on my leisure time if I wasn’t working. Go to the gym, take up new hobbies (finally get that piano tuned and finally learn something by Chopin), read all the books I want to, run errands, volunteer – sleep in and nap. But really I’m starting to notice that maybe that isn’t the ideal life. Maybe I actually need work to fill my time? Did I forget how to be a kid during summer/winter breaks? How did those months of time off fly by so quickly?

What if working hard and saving towards an early retirement isn’t what I really want?

Scary thoughts. Think about how life would be if you didn’t work – assuming you didn’t need to in order to pay for life. I wonder if a lot of people nearing retirement feel this way too? As in, “What in the world am I going to do with all my free time?”

Could you think of things to do to even fill three months let alone three weeks of free time (assuming world travel would be too expensive)? Too tough a question to ask me on a Sunday night. Back to work tomorrow…

Rando Notes for September Oh Seven

Darn

I didn’t get a chance to write my standard of four posts for this month. So, three will have to do for now. Actually, there’s no going back on this month. So unfortunately three is all we will get.

I’ll try my best to put up five next month. Or some time before the end of this year. Because I know how I get during winter – all emo and full of things to write about. That’s what the dark and cold do to me.

So to start…

I love the movie “Million Dollar Baby”. It’s not only probably in the top 3 “sport” movies for me of all time for me, it’s also probably in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I haven’t ever written out the list, so I’m not sure what it would include. That movie was just done so well. Every time it’s on TV I take the time to sit through most of it. And the reason I say most of it is because the ending is so sad to me. If I could pick one movie to have a standard American ending it would be that one. Why not let her just outright win the championship and show her and the trainer in a house together sipping lemonade? Could we possibly get an alternate ending to that movie? I hope there is one.

Anyway, it was on CBC tonight (go figure, canucks) so I had to watch it up until the championship fight…Then I had to turn it off. But before I was writing this, it bothered me because I knew what was going to happen (I’ve seen it only entirely once, and up until the championship fight at least 3 times) after the championship bout. And it bothered me that I knew what was going to happen. And I refused to watch it. Look at me, I’ve got movie denial…such a nerd…

If you haven’t seen it, please go rent it. Even if you’re not a fan of boxing I’m sure you’ll love it. I’ve tried my best not to spoil it for those that haven’t seen it.

You know what I find silly? People that complain about gas prices. We have some of the cheapest gas prices in the world. People should travel over to Europe or Japan and see how much a gallon of gas is there. Then they can come back and be happy about how cheap our gas is.

Here is my rant about gas complainers – and yes, if you use it for small talk, that’s fine. I understand. Just like the weather, almost everyone has to experience it. S’all good. However, if you are a typical gas price complainer here is a list for you:

1) Have you ever figured out what the difference is when gas prices are “expensive” to you versus “cheap”? For me, I consider $2.70 per gallon of premium “cheap” right now and $3.50 per gallon “expensive”. My car takes 13 gallons of gas and I fill up every 2 weeks. Over an entire year the difference for me between what I consider a “cheap” price and an “expensive” price is: $270.40. For the math nerds out there (like I used to be): (52 weeks per year / 2 weeks) X 13 gallons X $.80/gallon. That’s it! $270 a year! You probably spent that much drinking or smoking or gambling in a month! What the hell are you complaining about $300 a year for!

2) If you seriously are complaining about gas, you either a) drive a gas guzzler or b) have a ridiculous commute. So c) go get yourself a more fuel efficient car (that’s probably better for the environment anyway) and d) move closer to where you work, or drive less and carpool or ride the bus. Again, this is $300 to maybe $2000 a year we’re talking about. In my opinion you shouldn’t be filling up your gas tank more than once every 5 days. And if you are then you need to get a bicycle or something.

3) Darn, I wish I had another point. Look at me, I’m complaining about complainers. I’m going to shut up now.

What’s the deal with Olive Garden? They know everyone goes for their endless salad and breadsticks. And they advertise that “when I’m there I’m family”. Well, when I eat with my family I eat until I am sick usually. And I don’t have to wait. The food is on the table, I can grab whatever I want and munch down. Endless salad and bread sticks…please. I’ve noticed with the breadsticks they’ll start you off with 150% of what you would like. 2 people in your group? Here’s 4 breadsticks. 4 people? Here, have 6. But after that initial bread stick run? The amount of stickage diminishes. Suddenly you’re at a 75% level. 2 breadsticks for 2 people? C’mon! By the time you drop them off they’re gone already! 3 breadsticks for 4 people? That’s just not right.

Oh and the salad. Seriously, count how many times you get salad when you go. I’ve found that that third salad is almost impossible to get. Like the breadsticks they come out fast and full the first time around. Then the 2^nd one barely comes about 25 minutes later. And the third one I think they’re just hoping you’ll leave with your andes mints and forget about the extra salad. Seriously, the advertising is false. Change your shit Olive Garden. And quit putting hair in my fettucine alfredo. Ok thanks.

Honestly, I believe that somewhere in the kitchen they have a graph of # of breadsticks to be given/amount of time to wait for each salad bowl vs. # of people per table. They say they send people to cooking school in italy when they become chefs for Olive Garden. I believe that they just send them to Shoreline Community college to get them to memorize this graph. Boo on you guys, give me more breadsticks. $15 for pasta? That alone is worth my proper fill of endless something. Jeez.

Do you ever wonder about where you would be right now if you stayed with a certain someone? Of course, there are always reasons why one relationship didn’t work out over the other. But on drives home at night on cold nights like these my mind begins to wander. Where would I be right now if everything had worked out with one of my exes? For some reason the image I keep getting is renting some apartment near or in Seattle. And not doing the job I’m doing right now. The thing I guess I keep questioning is whether or not I am happier in that imaginary “what if” life – but I can never know because I’m not living that life. Eh – just messing with myself.

I have a $50 gift card at Amazon that I got for doing this wellness assessment thing. Having money at amazon is so tough. Literally you can buy so much – there’s so many cool things on that site. Books I want to read, DVDs I want towatch, music and random pieces of junk I think would amuse me for more than their worth…It’s been tough. I’ve had the gift certificate for the past 2 weeks and can’t make my mind up. I’ve spent about 6 hours on the site just browsing, reading reviews – and yes, I am crazy. I write myself notes about what I want and why. And then I get to thinking about it and maybe I shouldn’t buy it…so I talk myself out of it…out of spending a gift card! Seriously I should go see a psychiatrist…

Halo 3 came out this past Tuesday. I traded in a few games for it and only paid $10 to get it. I am happy that I only had to pay $10 because for me, that’s what video games are worth. On Saturday during the day while I was looking for things to do (since the Huskies played that night – Way to go Russo, fumbling that punt return! Jeez – Locker connect more passes and we win that game! We were so close to beating #1 USC, but lost 24 to 27) I pulled up my Halo 3 and could only put in about 30 minutes of it. I hate playing by myself. I hate when I feel like it’s me against all of these enemies. Luckily they’ve got a co-op program where I can play with my buddies online and then I don’t feel so lonely. How did I get through this as a kid all cooped up in my room and playing video games on my own? I’m so dependent on human interaction now…

The shin splints are back again. I am frustrated with myself because I know I won’t be able to go through with my new year’s resolutions. But rarely do I actually attain them. They’re just nice to think about and push for. This year, I wanted to finally consistently dunk a basketball. I had this idea of doing all these plyometrics (sp?), get signed up with a coach and everything and increase my vert 4-5”. It never happened. And yes, I do have 2 months left…but c’mon! 2 months! Turkey is coming…no way I’m going to fly with a turkey in my belly. My second goal was to run the Seattle marathon. I haven’t run longer than 5 miles since about last November. I suck. I’m playing in 2 basketball recreational leagues and one soccer league and my shin splints came back. I love the leagues – they are the reason I run actually – and right now just playing 3 nights a week is enough for me. It’s hard to get up and go for a run when I know the next day I’ll be sprinting up and down the hard woods or turf. I know, plenty of excuses…but I promise I’ll get one in before I die. There, that’s a good enough goal for me.

I sat here for about a minute in silence trying to think of at least one more thing to write and I couldn’t come up with it. There’s the investment stuff but I find that kind of dry. So for now, goodnight.

Soul Killing and Muted Surroundings

This is going to be a somewhat depressing post. But I don’t really care. Because I can’t really afford a psychologist. Nor do I think many of my friends understand. So, the best I can do for myself is this. Write it out.

I should’ve known. I thought I knew. But obviously not. I’ve been through days like this before, but today stung extra for some reason.

What I’m getting at is this: Today, in the stock market, I lost more money in my stocks than I’ll make in a month at work. And I’ve lost more in previous days. Intraday once I took a twenty one thousand dollar swing down. Spelled out for effect. But I didn’t sweat it.

And I’ve still got way more than I need. I’m still up a ridiculous amount. Beyond my wildest dreams. But for the first time I feel like I made a real mistake. I bet against the market and it whipped me. Two put options on Lehman and Bear Stearns. Two companies I thought were going to report terrible earnings because of the sub-prime mess and then get kicked again with either no rate cut, or a rate cut that wasn’t enough.

I saw it coming the whole way. These financials were too big to let the puny sub-prime mess really slow them down. I was thinking way too US based and not enough globally. Regardless, Lehman reported better than expected (bad instead of terrible) and then the Fed continued to cut rates 5 basis points. The double whammy. The stocks shot up and I was trying my best to bandage the bleeding.

And the thing is, when you’re wrong like this, you see immediate results. That’s the problem with the two things regarding money I’ve come to love the most…poker and the stock market. Maybe I should stop playing both at the same time. Maybe that’s too much for me?

Make a bad read against another player on the tables? Say goodbye to your entire chip stack. Make a bet against the market and it shoots up 330 points? Same story.

But the key in both is to not get down. The key in both is to play the game with high quality moves and in the long term be a winner. Even a 51%/49% edge is large enough. However, there are days like today when it seems like everything is moving against you. A poker player that plays “on tilt” loses their mind and gets destructive. I felt a bit of tilt today and started buying things I shouldn’t have which created further losses. Fortunately in poker I’m not betting the house. Unfortunately in the market, I am.

So I was thinking tonight in the shower (where of course my best thinking is done), maybe I put too much on the line. I’ve been feeling way too stressed out by this whole thing, so maybe I should take it all out and just sit back for a little bit. Maybe it wasn’t worth the money I was pouring in to it.

But I know I would miss it. And I know I would crave it. My retirement accounts aren’t enough for me now. Or maybe I’ll look back on this post and wish I had quit. You know the last time I was thinking about this is when I took that huge twenty thousand dollar dive…and if I had jumped off then I would’ve never been where I am today.

So here’s the catch-22 to all of this: To do well at either (specifically the market now) you have to play without emotion. This is the problem. I am not an emotionless person. I start to think about those 20 or so odd days. All those days of waking up at 5:40 am. Getting dressed. Micro waving my lunch. Sitting in those uncomfortable chairs in front of a monitor that is too small for me. For what?

For less than what I lost today in the market.

And right there is where the emotion hits me. I just die inside. My soul dies. On another screen on my laptop with CNBC playing in the background as the market is skyrocketing upwards, the poker table is flashing. It’s my turn and I’ve got 9 2 off suit in the big blind. Check, check, fold. How much can I win playing this anyway? $100? What’s $100 to me right now?

I start to lose sense of reality. And I try to find things to ease the pain. Try to take solace in anything. I watch recordings of my favorite comedy shows. Play with my dog. Hug and kiss my wife a lot. But hardly any of it works. I can’t separate what I do on a daily basis like this and my leisure time. I should be able just to turn off at 3 pm when I get off of work and just let go, relax, and not think about anything.

But that’s unrealistic for me right now.

Today I burned on the couch. Slumped over. TV on. But I couldn’t hear it. During dinner I don’t really think I said a word. Everything was in a haze, and even writing this right now I’m considering not posting it because I can’t figure out exactly what I’m writing or where I’m trying to go.

I wanted to be the cold, heartless, greedy bastard who didn’t care for anything other than the bottom line. I thought I could train myself to be that way. Uncaring about anything else other than my return. On nights like these, it seems pointless to try.

With poker, I got to a point where I was finally comfortable. I can now play at limits where I don’t feel huge swings of emotion. But when I do play at those limits, I feel like I am wasting my time. What fun is it to not feel anything? Right now, in my head the little voice is screaming, “This is just like a drug addict…always searching for the next high…the higher highs”.

And it’s exactly right.

I am going to admit to myself right now…In the stock market I am playing way over my head. In Vegas with poker I usually play over my head. But with Vegas I can leave. And I only had as much cash as was in my bank account. The stock market can take my house if I don’t wake up and start playing properly again. Well, not really take my house but put me in to some proper debt for the next 15 years. Side prayer: Dear Lord, please give me the knowledge to stop when I know I can’t lose any more.

So here I am. Scared, vulnerable and on the verge of an ulcer. I have a hard time getting to sleep, constantly thinking about moves for tomorrow and betting on earnings announcements and interest rate movements. I honestly think that there are a few select people out there who are fearless in these situations. They wake up every day in worse situations than me with more on the line and they come through without a scratch. I’d like to meet some of those people. Ask them where they got their guts.

Because right now I’m in need of some.

Or maybe those are the folks that got eaten up today. The guys who are picking up the second job as a night janitor because they took their shot and missed. I will do everything necessary to not end up like them.

Tomorrow’s another day. And at 6:30 am PST it’s back to battle for me again.

*deep breath*