Self Perception and Worldly Citizens

Just wanted to jot some things down before I hit the hay.

One of the things that's been bothering me recently is my own perception of myself - or maybe what others think of me.

I've typically been the guy that has never given much thought to what people think of me - that's usually why I've heard people half jokingly refer to me as the "asshole" or "jerk". I have a problem with holding my tongue at times and to add to that I'm loud.

But I know who I am. Or at least I think I've got a good grasp of who I think I am. So for the past few months at work I've shut my mouth and put on the headphones. I do this because I don't have much in common with my coworkers (most who are 15-25 years older than I am) and they obviously don't care about me, nor should I really care about them.

Like people passing in the mall. For 8 hours a day.

And yet, I can't help but get the feeling that I'm still the asshole to them. Even though I've shared common courtesies, small talk BS, etc. I in all honesty don't think I've done anything to piss any of them off and yet I can't shake this feeling.

And the problem is, I'm not sure how to fix it. It's like a downward spiral. I'll never break free of my reputation because people I'm surrounded by have already pegged me as something and don't want to change what they think of me. I guess this is what makes people anti-social? The feeling that no one likes you so you're just better off ignoring everyone else?

Guess I'm starting to lean that way. Socially it's like I'm fucked either way. I shut up and ignore then people hate me for it - I speak up and say something (even if what I'm saying is harmless) I still feel like a dick. Don't know how to fix. it.

~~~

I've been on a big kick lately of wanting to live as a "citizen of the world". What if we all signed some sort of agreement with the world that we would do our best to help out - even if it be in the tiniest of ways.

I think we've lost a lot of the standard courtesies that people of older generations used to enjoy. And I believe it happened because of a couple big things: Those that continued to do it never experienced any thanks or recognition and those who didn't participate never received any sort of punishment.

As a quick example: This afternoon I headed to Central Market to pick up some groceries needed for a dinner with friends. As I was walking in to the store a woman pulled her bags out of her grocery cart and with hands full tried to kick the cart towards the general vicinity of where they were stacked out in front of the store.

Of course most of you can guess what happened after she turned her back and obliviously walked back towards her car: The cart started rolling towards the parking lot towards a parked car. I ended up running to catch the cart before it hit anything - but I don't think anyone saw me do it, and I think if it was me a few years ago I would've done one of a couple things:

1) Let the cart hit the car and say, "eff 'em"

2) Stop the cart, turn to woman walking towards her car now 30 yards away and yell, "Hey WTF lady! Can't you take some time out to put this cart back?"

And in either of those situations I was out to teach lessons. But both of them would make my blood boil obviously (especially if it was my car getting hit).

But today I just grabbed her cart mid-roll and put it back. There was no malice in my action. It was very strange for me - but this is what I've been working towards lately. I believe that if every person on this Earth began to think of themselves as citizens of it - vs. only representing a small section of it we might all be better off.

It just doesn't make any sense to me - especially in the hard times that we're all facing - that people just can't have or give some sliver of respect for others or property around them.

Final example: There is a church up the road from my house. It's a small church and on Sundays when I drive by I maybe see 15-20 cars at most parked out front.

A couple years ago I saw that they put up a nice in ground basketball hoop. They did it right. Even painted the key, free throw and 3 point lines in white. Not only that, but I'm assuming the money for all of this came out of the congregation's pockets. And every so often on a sunny day I'd drive by and see churchy looking (if you can call them that) people shooting hoops.

A couple months ago I drove by and noticed that someone had ripped the rim clean off the hoop and took a good chunk of the backboard with it. So now unfortunately the thing is completely useless and is a bit of an eyesore in front of the church. Not only that but it serves as a constant reminder to people like myself who drive by every other day about how disrespectful people are - for probably no reason at all.

Sure it might have seemed like fun for about 10 minutes of vandalism. But in doing so they destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of property and definitely at least weeks of fun for kids and adults who actually wanted to use the hoop for it's intended purpose: Basketball.

These are the actions that make me want to give up these thoughts of global citizenship. And I'm sure there are others out there who have given up a long time ago.

But I'm still trying. And I guess what I'm trying to get across is if you've given up maybe you should try again too. I've seen "citizens of the world" out there. I might not say anything to you while it's happening - but thank you for the effort. It doesn't go unnoticed.