The Obligatory New Years (New Decade) Post

You can find 2008's post here.

And darn - it was such a good post. I don't know if this one will stack up, probably because 2009 wasn't as good of a year as 2008 was. The things that stand out about 2009 tend to be negative and the days I remember most from this year are somewhat depressing.

Rundown of 2009:

-Got home to Washington and immediately missed living in South Carolina. Missing the South was probably on my mind until I found out it in April that we would be returning (and this is where I write from now).

-Shorted the market after the initial crash in October 2008 until around Dow 7600 in Q1. That's when I started buying. All the way down to Dow 6500. I seriously told people we were going there - I just didn't know we would actually make it. The problem? I started selling on the way up and got rid of 80% of what I owned by Dow 8800. Always always early. Never letting enough of it run.

-Basketball. Memories of my college days came flashing back to me. Suddenly I had access to an indoor, full court hard wood basketball gym. For about 9 months it was my own personal sanctuary and I lived there for at least 5 hours a week. Which is a lot more basketball than I had been playing since I had left college. In turn, my game has improved. Started my own basketball team in the spring. I've always been part of basketball teams in the past - but never formed them.

-Laid off from my first "real job". After 4 and a half years. Received the announcement a day before my birthday. Received a nice severance, went on unemployment for the first time, worked as a contractor for the first time and then was quickly let go. Since I turned 16, I've never been unemployed for longer than 3 months. I might break that record here pretty soon.

-Drove back across the country to South Carolina. Saw most of Chicago. Loved it. Took a much needed cruise in the Caribbean and actually found some time to relax.

So let's see what I did and did not accomplish based off of my resolution's for 2009:

-Start my MBA: My excuse was that I wasn't going to be home for the start of Fall quarter so I didn't apply.

-Be more like Batman: Definitely am more rich than I ever have been in the past. No martial arts training. No motorcycle lessons either. 1/3 points on that one.

-2 nights of vomiting due to drunkeness: Success! I only threw up once this year and that was due to seasickness. Although the feeling is very similar.

-Sports related resolutions: Mid range jumper: Worked on. Golf: Worked on. Raquetball: Not played (fail). Silvertips or Storm game: Had the chance, didn't go. Fail. 2/4 points.

-Be less cheap: Really? I thought I could put this on this year's resolution. To be completely honest I was more stingy in 2009 than I was in 2008. It's definitely getting worse. Failure.

-Pray more: There were some weeks that I would pray 3-4 times during the week. That's a lot for me, considering I hardly did any of it in 2008. I believe it really has helped my life.

-Experience more outside my comfort zone: Nope.

-Go to Vegas: Played in the WSOP with my dad! Awesome time, unfortunately we came home with less than we brought. But finally being back after such a long hiatus was perfect.

After going through all of these, I think I had too many resolutions for myself. So many that I forgot about some of them which is why I failed. Yes, I don't go back and read my posts, my new year's resolutions are usually just mental notes I hold on to throughout the year and sometimes they just don't stick.

So 2010...and new decade, here I come. I resolve to do (or try):

-Write less/higher quality posts. Somewhere along the line I thought that having 4 posts a month was a good idea. It's not. There were at least 4 months (this month included) where I'd look up and realize I had at least 2 more posts to write for that month with only a few days left. Then I felt forced to write and the stuff I put up I typically wasn't happy with. I was forcing it and I think it showed. Expect probably 20ish posts for 2010.

-Get a job, pay off our home equity line of credit.

-Put on some bulk. Sadly, I've had a skinny complex since I hit puberty. I'm wiry, I'm a stick, I get pushed around by guys with weight. As I sit right now I'm currently 190 lbs, and believe it or not, that's "filled out" in comparison to how I used to look 10 years ago. I'd like to gain 10 lbs of muscle and plan to do so by upping my protein intake and lifting more than I have been over the past few years. Included within this goal is the ability to do 10 pull ups in a row. I can currently do 4.

-Start preventative care/remove all notions of invincibility. I've read that around the age of 28 (which is what I will be turning in 2010) our bodies turn the corner and start getting worse. I've seen plenty of people in the baby boomer generation that live every day with pain. That's now how I want to be in 20-30 years. Sure, it's bound to happen (assuming no major medical breakthroughs) but I can do my best now by starting to take better care of myself now.

-Have faith. I worry way too much about too many things that are out of my control. I need to work on letting things go their course and have faith that things will either work out in my favor or just weren't meant to be (or happen to teach me a lesson). Faith in myself, my relationships, my world.

A lot has happened in the past decade. Everything can change in 10 years. In fact, I would be surprised if I was still sitting on a couch writing like this 10 years from now. Hopefully I'll be around to see.

Happy new year everyone.

A Vacation 30 Years In the Making

Not really 30 years...but that's what we were celebrating.

Happy 30th wedding anniversary mom and dad.

It was actually about a year in the making. My parents mentioned to me last December (or possibly sometime before or after that) that they wanted to take us all on a cruise for their 30th wedding anniversary.

Looking back on that - I thought it would be great. I thought it'd be great to take a much needed break at the end of the year - and I had it all planned out. By this past March I already had the vacation scheduled.

And then things changed.

Luckily, the date of my parent's anniversary doesn't change. And their plans to go on this cruise with their family didn't change either.

I wouldn't call it the greatest vacation I've ever taken - but it was definitely an experience.

We drove to Fort Lauderdale to board the Royal Caribbean's Independence of the Seas. It was an 8 day cruise with 4 of those days being at sea. We ported in St. Maarten, St. Thomas, Puerto Rico and Labadee.

Highlights from the cruise:

-Since it was stormy in Florida when we left the waves were a bit rocky for the first 3 days at sea. It took almost the entire family a day and a half to get our sea legs. Some of us even longer. The wife was in bed for basically 2 whole days - it's like the spinning drunkenness that never ends. Nor can you get off.

Our first morning on the cruise my sister's boyfriend and I thought it would be a good idea to go lift some weights. Seeing as how I was already a bit sea sick - massive exertion of energy didn't help matters. I was running to the nearest...toilet - sink, anything I could find. Luckily I was able to hold it until I got back to my estate room.

My sister wasn't so lucky. After my feeble attempt at a workout, we decided to go grab some breakfast at what would be the running joke of the entire cruise: The all day (From 6 am to 11 pm) buffet, "Windjammer". It was basically a step up from the OCB. And for those that don't know - I am a huge fan of buffets, but only once every 2-3 months. Not 2-3 times a day...sometimes 4.

You know when you eat at a buffet and everything starts to taste the same? That happened to me by lunch time on the 2nd day of the cruise.

That breakfast though was one of the hardest things I've ever done. While I was eating I was looking at my sister across the table who looked as pale as a zombie. She wasn't eating and I knew why - anything she tried to put down would immediately come back up. And I guess even without putting anything down things did start to come back up.

We grabbed some cups for her to yak in to. I don't think many people can say they were eating a buffet breakfast while watching one of their loved ones barf in to a cup across from them. I did.

And the worst part of it was that after filling roughly 3 cups full of her nastiness, she spilled one of them on the table. It looked like there was a yoke floating around in it's slimy terribleness. Then who was right on our tail to clean up the mess? A poor Windjammer employee - probably wondering why he ever left his 3rd world country for this.

-There were other free options for food which were all decent. There was a place called Sorrento's which had pizza and they had a cafe which served small sandwiches. Every night we'd go to the formal dining area for our 3 course meals (sometimes 5 or 6 courses). I was amazed that I could order multiple appetizers, entrees and desserts. It only took a few days to stretch my stomach out (I gained 8 lbs in 9 days).

-We didn't do much on the ship for the first 2 days. It felt a bit like a floating prison but with better food and better beds (I've never been in prison before). That is, until we found the activities list. Every day there were sports tournaments (volleyball, dodgeball, ping pong, basketball, golf) a belly flop contest, trivia was held every 5 hours, there was a ship wide scavenger hunt. And unfortunately for us we didn't really start getting involved in those activities until around day 4. If I had to do it all over again I'd start with the activities immediately.

-The first port that we stopped in was St. Maarten. Everyone was so happy that the boat had stopped that all we wanted to do was lay on the beach. St. Maarten is interesting because the island is split with a French side and a Dutch side. We were taxied to the Orient beach on the French side which included a nudist colony. Unfortunately just like other nudist resorts, 95% of the people that were in the buff probably should not have been. One woman I saw laying down on the beach, I couldn't tell where her breasts stopped and the next of 4 fat rolls began. I saw a Peter Griffin too - a guy with such a fat belly that it hung down over his manhood. He obviously didn't need swimming trunks either.

-The next port we stopped at was St. Thomas. Downtown was just a mess of jewelry stores. I don't think I've ever seen that many stores that sold diamonds in one place before. The only other business I saw downtown was a hooters (obviously) and that was it. After paying an arm and a leg the day before for a taxi ride to and from the beach ($120) I haggled with a taxi in St. Thomas and got twice as long of a ride for 1/3rd the cost. I don't know why I didn't apply my haggling skills the day before.

The taxi drove us from downtown to Megan's Bay lookout (My description doesn't do it justice) and then to Coki beach. No nudity this time, but one of the best beaches I've ever been to.

-The next 2 ports we stopped in were Puerto Rico and Labadee. We walked all of old San Juan Puerto Rico and got ourselves some headaches for lunch at Senor Frogs. Labadee was basically a port made specifically for the cruise lines. It was a beach that Royal Caribbean had purchased from the Haitians and you could tell. Everything was man made and it all felt very fake. In my opinion it was an unfortunate way to end the port stops, but then again we had some of the best cruise provided food (BBQ on the beach) the entire week there.

Overall we all had a good time on the cruise. I'm not sure if I would do it again any time soon, and if I did I'd probably find a cruise with a lot less days at sea (we spent almost half the cruise at sea). Most importantly I got in a lot of quality time with my family which is definitely what I needed. Last year I didn't miss my family as much as I do this year. I blame it on the weather down here (almost as cold as it is in Seattle) and also already being familiar with a lot of things in Charleston.

While we were on the cruise my mom kept mentioning how they had gone to all of these islands 20 years ago. I kept thinking how crazy it would be for us to return in another 20 years. We just might.

Didn't Want To

...have to write this post.

But maybe it'll help me get it off my mind.

22 days ago (I'm amazed it's been that long, but I was on vacation for 18 of them) I was "let go" (I refuse to use the term "fired" as it was never mentioned to me when they "let me go") from Boeing Charleston.

Started on the 18th of September. Ended on the 4th of December.

It's really bothered me for a few reasons. One being that I made more money in those 2 and a half months than I ever have in any previous job (sans my pops in both poker and the stock market). Not only did I get paid really well, but I honestly did enjoy the work I was doing. Every day I was learning something and new problems were always being brought to my attention. I (thought) I had the power to go out and solve problems - turns out maybe I didn't.

Also, because a lot of people I know (who I consider friends) currently work for Boeing. Even the wife works for the same program I was working for and talks to a lot of the same people on a daily basis that I was training. Today she was frustrated with an issue that I was trying to fix. I feel vindicated because not only has the problem that I could have resolved within a couple weeks (by now) not been fixed, it's doubled in size.

Finally, the way I was "let go" was unethical. Because I was working as a contractor for them, they could get rid of me for any reason. And in my opinion they saw an opportunity and took it.

I wrote this email to my friends the day I was let go to explain as to why it occurred:

1) I was written an email on Tuesday from my manager which said they were cutting my overtime to 10 hours a week. I told them I couldn’t do my job in that amount of time. For the past 5 weeks I had been averaging at least 60 hours a week (sometimes working over 70). And I knew a lot of people there that were there to pick up a paycheck. So many people just sitting around chatting on gmail and checking their facebook/fantasy football teams. Everyone saying, "That isn't my job. That wasn't me. Every job was my job - I was willing to do it all. I worked through my lunches. I'd stop working in the office because people told me to go home, just to log in from home. I saw so many opportunities where work needed to be done that I felt like I could stay in this work environment for years and I still wouldn't be happy with how good the operation was.

2) My job was to provide metrics in regards to part shortages to the airplanes. Other than that, no one ever told me what my job was (EXTREMELY poor management). In the system that I built my metrics off of we had the ability to provide reason codes as to why a specific part was short. Our parts buyers were assigning parts to our engineers, meaning that the reason that the part was short was due to a problem in engineering – the only problem was that our engineers didn’t have access to the system. So once the part had been "fixed", no one (but me at this point) could take the assignment of the part away from the engineers. I brought this problem to management and they told me to create a list of parts that our engineers could work and that I would do the work in the system for them (This work alone was 50 hours a week in itself - providing status for 150 parts a day and working with at least 6 different engineers is time consuming). For 2 weeks I sent this list to our engineers and got no response. Finally I went back to an engineering manager (not my manager) who told me to go talk to the engineers that could do the work for me. I did that at the beginning of this week. The engineers were very receptive (seemingly) and were willing to work my list of parts (which took higher priority than anything else they were working on). On Wednesday I started to get responses from my engineers on parts which I then updated in the system in regards to their status. Yesterday I met with my manager again after working 14 hours on Wednesday from the list and said, “I can’t do this on my own. Either get someone to help me or let me work the overtime.” They told me no go.

2a) In a standard work environment, a manager tells an employee what needs to be done. This was done in my situation. In a standard work environment an employee might possibly question management's decision and ask for explanation as to why the decision was made. Management in this situation will provide a logical response (we would think) and the the employee would abide by the change. If the employee did not then that would be grounds for firing. In my situation I brought up the question as to why I could not continue working this overtime and was in turn "let go".

3) Today I was pulled aside and told that it was completely unacceptable to work those hours and that I had overstepped my bounds in regards to my job. It was my job to run the metrics and nothing else. It wasn’t my job to “manage” the engineers even though management had originally directed me down that path.

4) The day before I was let go I was involved in a non-advocate review. This is where another department from Boeing comes in and judges the performance of your department and then provides suggestions for improvement. One of the most shocking things for me was that when I looked around the room at the people that were being interviewed in this review - they were all-stars from the other departments I had worked with. And there I was too - only 2 months in. I was told to "tell the truth" and I did. To put it kindly, I ripped the program a new one. Communication within the entire organization was the worst I've ever seen. Everyone played the blame game, pointing fingers at each other instead of working together. Not only between departments, but even within departments. The systems were complete garbage. When I mentioned to the review board that I had roughly 70% confidence in the data that I was working with their mouths dropped. I knew that people were manipulating the data to make themselves look good and I let them know (looking back on this now this is another reason I was let go - someone has to tell the truth at some point though). In my opinion to even have a chance at doing something as specialized as building airplanes you have to have 98% certainty or better in your data. And finally, there was no training. It was a fly by the seat of your pants environment where we were changing and creating work flows on a weekly basis. And people were so damn scared to screw up and get fired (obviously) that they never asked questions and therefore never did things right. During the 2 months I was there, I was the 6th person to either be fired or relocated - just within my own department of probably 40 people. If that isn't a recipe for disaster I don't know what is.

So, I am sure by Friday word from the non-advocate review team had gotten around to my management team which is another reason they probably let me go. Again, completely unethical in my eyes - you don't shoot the messenger for providing you bad news.

5) On Wednesday I wrote to everyone that I would be leaving for vacation next Friday. Seeing as how I don’t get paid while I was on vacation I had asked my manager if any hours of OT I had been working could be rolled to straight time for the weeks I was going to be gone. Looking back on this now I’m thinking that the vacation may have been part of it.

*big breath*

So that's where I stand (sit) right now. Once again jobless. And a complete 180 from the last time I lost my job - where I was given 4 months notice and then paid a nice severance to see me on my way. This "letting go" was completely unexpected and the only thing I received was my last paycheck while I cruised off to the Caribbean.

The dilemma for me is that I saved almost every dollar that I earned during those 2+ months. And the amount of money that I earned was equal to almost a full year's salary in my previous position. So, it's kind of tough for me right now to be diving in to a job search because: 1) We'll probably be heading back to Seattle now once the wife's contract is up 2) I don't need money (seriously) from a job for the next 6-9 months (or up to 2 years if really need be).

I learned a few things though during my time contracting: 1) Getting paid as a contractor is the best - as long as you have a spouse who is covering you benefits wise. 2) The nail that sticks out gets hammered - big time. The next time I'm in a corporate environment like this I'm shutting my mouth, ducking management and being as much of a "Yes" man as possible. 3) I was always interested in lean manufacturing ever since college. In fact, operations was the only class I got a 4.0 in. Now that I've had a taste for it I want to work in a similar environment for at least a few years until I get bored of it. Trying to find something like this might be challenging though.

I keep dreaming in the mornings that I've got an excel sheet that needs to be worked, or that someone will call me back in realizing what a mistake they've made. Unfortunately those are just dreams. Moving on has been tough, but it will get done.

Rando Post Dec 09

Wow.

4 more posts to go this year and then it's over.

I've got a lot swirling around in my brain right now.

Things I can talk about. Things I go OFF on. But, the people that need to know, already know and once the dust has settled a bit I can really let loose (expect a post later on this month once I'm back from vacation).

First off, this:

The Story of Stuff

Please watch the videos. This is exactly the kind of thing I've been writing about in this blog for years. Let's STOP (or at least cut back) our consuming. Because when you take the consumer out of the picture the entire chain falls on it face. But what then? What are we left with then?

I would love to see.

Anyway, please watch the 2 videos that are available on that website. Real change starts with each one of us - not Mr. President just talking about it.

I was checking my google analytics today because another blog I read had mentioned search terms which lead readers to his blog. I couldn't find where those terms were - but what I did find was something itneresting: The amount of visitors to my blog has increased a great deal. 10 fold.

And I really don't know why. I don't use tags. I don't make my blog easy to find. I've rid this blog (I think) of everything that would give people the ability to figure out who I was (unless they really wanted to search for my true identity). But anyway, to the 132 of you since November 9th who have visited my site - and the 60 of you who actually read something - what do you think? I rarely get comments, but I think comments are some of the best parts about blogging. This is what it's all about right? The most open form of communication?

It's weird to think about how cold it is right now in Washington. In Charleston I have our air conditioning on to keep it at 70 degrees or below. Yes, I am sitting here in my bball shorts right now.

I also tend to trip out on it currently being 8 pm on the west coast too. Everything is so much later on the east coast.

I was involved in a conversation today where someone had said the next big thing in regards to transportation was going to be personal aircraft.

I have to disagree. Personally I think the future will be all about automation. We are so much closer right now to having cars drive for us then we are getting everyone to learn how to fly.

Since they have cars that can parallel park for you - and cars that automatically brake for you when you're in trouble - the next step is just getting the car to drive on it's own.

And I know it's coming. They've been working on it for a few years now.

So imagine if we could get a majority of people to use the automated driving system. Or be forced to use it during peak driving hours. We could have computers making all the "correct" decisions for us while driving and traffic would be minimized. After only 11 years of driving, rarely do I feel the desire to really drive anywhere - just to drive. I would say 90% of the time I'm hitting the road I'd prefer to just type in a destination in to my GPS and let my car drive me there while I enjoy my music/TV/etc.

Have you ever listened to someone snore and then get tired yourself?

That's what I'm going through right now. I guess not really a rando post for me - not enough topics, but it'll have to do. Caribbean here I come!

Most Unrelaxing Thanksgiving Weekend Ever

The In Law Grandma.

Imagine George Costanza’s mom. That’s what she sounds like. Nasally – scratchy voice. She’s 80 years old and doesn’t give an EFF about anyone but herself. Quick with the tongue, and just tries to get in to shouting matches with people – again because she doesn’t give an eff. And if it’s silent? She has to talk. She has to say something and most of the time it’s complaining. She’s super hypocritical and thinks her opinion is the bible. God forbid you disagree with anything she says. And if you actually start talking with her? She has to OVERTALK you and her voice gets louder the more you talk.

Examples of her terribleness which made my weekend hell:

-She walks through the door, first thing – “I’m thirsty. Can I have some water?” “Yes.” “Where are your cups.” “In the cupboard.” “Is it OK if I use one of these glasses?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Ok, do you drink out of the tap here? I don’t like to drink tap water.” “No, we have a Pur in the fridge” “Oh, well I have a Brita at home, I think it tastes better. You guys should buy a brita instead.” *starts to grab our pur water* “Ohhh jeez, this thing is heavy! I don’t think my Brita is this heavy. I think the shape of my brita makes it less awkward to lift – for us old ladies and all.”

That’s just a glass of water.

-My guest bathroom. We told her not to lock the hallway bathroom door so we could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She locked it on her first night here. I had to hold my p33 from 3 am to 5:30 am when she finally woke up and I could get in through her bedroom.

-Since there were 5 of us, we could all fit in one car. Not once did she offer the front seat to either me or the wife's mom (the 2 biggest people out of the 5 of us). So I was always crunched in the back seat with one of us sitting yatch. She “deserves” to ride in the front seat from all those years of being an awesome mom/grandma. *rolls eyes*

-She didn’t pay for ONE meal. The wife and I and her parents split them. She didn’t pay for ONE tank of gas. The wife's parents FLEW to tampa to pick her up because flying is “Such a pain” for her. We gave her a Christmas present (glitter painting of her dog) because we knew we wouldn’t be seeing her over Christmas. She gave us nothing.

-We went to the beach after our good thanksgiving meal (it was 72 degrees and sunny here). When we got there she immediately started complaining because the wind was making her cold and she wouldn’t even leave the car (after stepping out and feeling the STANDARD coastal breeze). We had asked her if she was sure she had wanted to go to the beach before we left.

-After climbing the stairs to our apt once she sat down in a huff (super out of shape) and said, “Phew! If I walked like that everyday (from the garage to our apt) I would feel 100% better! (Captain obvious statements like this all weekend)

-When she ran out of things to complain about, she’d start complaining about restaurants she – NONE of us have ever been to. “Look at that place over there (we’re walking downtown) I bet that place has 100 things on the menu and they’re all CRAP. I mean, how does a place like that stay in business? Why does the community support them?” Me: Well you don’t have to eat there if you don’t want to. “I won’t!”

-We took her to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning. For the people that have gone, IMO it’s pretty cool. Good time. Get out, see the locals, try out some good food. Her: Do you like these sort of things? Me: Yeah, I think it’s fun. Her: It’s just so much work though. Me: Really? Her: Yes, I used to work one of these down in Florida twice a year. Me: Wow. Must’ve been tough. Her: It was a thankless job for a stupid art community.

Destroyer of fun.

-5:30 am on my first day off (thanksgiving morning): We’re sleeping out on the floor. She comes out and turns on the BRIGHT kitchen light, still sees us sleeping and says, “OOOPPPS” really loud (IMO trying to wake us up) and then proceeds to ground her coffee beans. Later that morning, “Did I wake you guys up? Cause I didn’t mean to wake you guys up. I was just going nutty in that room on my own without my coffee!”

I think I've had enough for the next couple of years. Hope to see you in 2011 grandma.

TBT

It's been a long time since I've given financial advice.

Probably because I've cut back my day trading to swing trading and am making such small plays that my heart isn't completely in it. Ever since the crash and rebound I've gone through some unsteady financial times myself (losing my job mainly) so I didn't feel like I had the ability to play big - really put some "dry powder" to work in something I believed in.

Also, believe it or not, there are people out there that actually read my blog for the finance/market aspect of it. They've told me personally. Shocker, I know.

Anyway, on to my idea.

TBT is the...well...I think if I explained it your eyes might start to gloss over. So you can gloss over the description here (from Google Finance/Reuters):
"ProShares UltraShort 20+ Year Treasury (the Fund), formerly ProShares UltraShort Lehman 20+ Year Treasury, seeks daily investment results that correspond to twice (200%) the inverse (opposite) of the daily performance of the Barclays Capital 20+ Year U.S. Treasury Bond Index (the Index). The Index includes all publicly issued, the United States Treasury securities that have a remaining maturity greater than 20 years, are non-convertible, are denominated in United States dollars, are rated investment grade (at least Baa3 by Moody's Investors Service or BBB- by Standard & Poor's (S&P)), are fixed rate, and have more than $250 million par outstanding. The Index is weighted by the relative market value of all securities meeting the Index criteria. The Fund takes positions in securities and/or financial instruments that, in combination, should have similar daily return characteristics as –200% of the daily return of the Index. The Fund’s investment advisor is ProShare Advisors LLC."

You can learn more about it here.

In my words (and again, I by no means am a professional in this area), as yield prices on the 20 year bonds rise, prices go down. Therefore, a double short on the price of 20 year bonds will go up - in this situation, double.

So why would I buy this?

The market will demand higher rates in the coming months. Rates have been "historically low" for too long. Pretty soon with all of the printing of money from the stimulus inflation will be coming. Sure, inflation has been stagnant for now, but once the economy starts to turn a little (and it already is - how far we turn is an entirely different post) we're going to start tightening rates again.

The Fed can give us as much lip service as they want to keep this government-stimulated rally alive - but as standard - actions speak louder. Bernanke has told us that rates won't rise until "sometime next year". For those of that haven't noticed, "next year" is less than 40 days away. Kind of scary, I know.

As long the market doesn't crash again in to a double dip recession, and we avoid all other disasters (major earthquake/fires/floods/terrorist attacks) I can see the economy stabilizing slowly - and the rates starting to make a come back.

Meaning TBT only has one place to go from here - up. I've waited on this for a few months - I got others in to it at $43. But I finally pulled the trigger yesterday and bought some March $47 calls for under $2/contract. Now I'll just continue to build my position between now and early February and watch the money roll in.

Price target for TBT: $58 (35% return if you buy the ETF at $45, I'm looking for roughly 600% return on my option).
Target Date: 2/18/2010
Price release point: $39 (-15% for the ETF, date dependent percentage loss on the option).

For those of you that have questions on this play, please let me know. I love to talk money with those as interested in making it as I am.

The Writing On The Wall

My 200th post! Wow.

That's a lot of boring stuff to read.

And assuming my OCDness of having 4 posts per month, that means I've been writing for probably close to 50 months.

Weird.

That can't be right.

Today was a ground breaking ceremony for the company I am currently working for. It's a big deal down here in South Carolina, where the unemployment rate is still going up and is currently I believe at 12.8%.

Because it means one thing: Jobs. A way to pay for a family - to buy a house, buy food, enjoy life. A means.

But since this company chose South Carolina - specifically North Charleston as their new home for this new warehouse, that means they didn't chose my old home.

Sure, it was all in the making.

I could see the writing on the wall.

The business climate is just not good where I'm from.

The traffic is terrible. The government can't get anything done. Taxes are high and really you don't get much out of it. But the talent pool is strong - which then again means that the average wage is going to be higher.

So, all I can see there are CONS.

If there is one thing I've learned from trading the market it's always to look at trends. Look ahead. Get in before the crowd and get out before the crowd.

So here's the trend: Will Everett - a place that is 10 miles from my "home" become the next Detroit?

It started slowly. Detroit scoffed at the idea of people in Tennessee building cars.

But look at the auto manufacturers now. They go where it's cheap. They leave unions in the dust to rot. And in turn, entire communities, supporting businesses and home prices.

Being down here I can see this economy turning around. Companies will flock now that they've seen someone take the lead. I feel like I could have a guaranteed job for possibly even 20 years. And if I continued working like I am right now (more on that in another post) - I could be well ahead of my early retirement goal.

And all I can see up north is a great exodus. And because our families are anchored there, we'll be left holding the bag.

Sure, it's a bit chicken little of me to be saying all of this, but I'll be kicking myself 5-10 years down the road if what I predict comes true.

I just can't see it working out for the Tacoma to Everett area. Where I can see excitement, an eagerness to work and a new energy down here.

I don't know if I'm even able to make big decisions like that or not...

Scared

Tonight

Laying in bed

The wife said to me,

"You know, a year from now, you might be taking care of our 1 month old baby."

It was the most scared I've been in years.

Moving on to the next step is coming a lot sooner than I thought it was. And it's not that I didn't know it was coming. It's kind of like it's never felt that real to me.

Many days I look at myself and still see the teenager looking back in the mirror.

So there's a lot of personal growth that's going to be done, and a lot of new responsibility.

But what I continue to hear from every new parent out there (since we're of that age now): The good far outweighs the bad. Even my neighbor's son who is a little over 2 years old now - even though he was taught to say, "I love you (name)." When he says that to us, nothing can be wrong in the world.

And when I look back on my life and how awesome it has been - a smidge (not actually a word - boo) over a quarter of it, why not bring someone else in to enjoy the fun - someone we can mold in our own image and someone that can hopefully do better than us. Make us proud, give us hope and love. Always a future to look forward to.

First Retirement Milestone

I feel like it's taken forever to get here - seeing as how I've worked since I was 15 and a half...but we're here now.

Just as of this past month, my wife and I combined broke what I considered our first major retirement milestone: $100K saved. Between 2 401K accounts, 2 Roth IRA accounts and 1 joint savings account.

I figured this was a blog more steered towards my #1 goal in life and it's been some time since I've updated everyone on my/our status. Well, not really, I guess I did talk about the market falling off less than 2 months ago. And I still think we've got farther to drop once all of this stimulus runs it's course through the market...

But I wanted to mention this to everyone because even though you may think we're doing alright - I'm unfortunately not as far ahead as I'd like to be.

This is one of my favorite retirement calculators.

Years ago I wanted to retire by 42. Then I kind of pushed it back seeing as how that was 15 years from now. Sure, I can still get lucky, but the chances of making it there are slim.

So I pushed it back a few years. I figured 45.

But the spending ended up being a lot higher in my life than I expected it to be (unfortunately not much of my doing) and my income hasn't really picked up until lately.

Now, since my layoff at the beginning of August I've decided 45 may just be a pipe dream (amazing how quickly I can change my dates - and all within a few years). I'm now pushing back my retirement age (for both me and my wife) to 52. I know, that is so far away - and from everyone I've spoken with that is nearing that age (or older) they laugh at me and say "that's so young!".

I know it is - but it's not really "retirement". It's "financial freedom". So every day instead of having to go to work, I will want to go work. And if I don't want to? No big deal. And with the days zooming by lately (anyone see where the past 2 months went?) I think my 30s and 40s will be gone before I know it (very scary).

So, per the calculator I linked, we have an 86% chance of making it to our goal of retirement at 52 and not out living our money with a life expectancy of 90. But that's assuming so many things (which is also scary). That assumes we continue to both have jobs and earn good money. It assumes a 7% yearly return on investment (IMO unlikely). It assumes inflation won't run rampant - which I think it will even within the next 3-5 years.

There are so many "ifs" right now that it's an extremely daunting task trying to account for them all. So the best I can do is just to continue to check off those milestones. Next up, $250K, $500K then our first cool million. My mini-goal is to be a millionaire in cash by the time I'm 40. It's unlikely but a boy's gotta have dreams right?

Typical Skeptic

I've always questioned 9/11.

But seeing this clip has solidified my belief that it was all part of a master plan - that the terrorists were just an easy scapegoat.

You can read more about it on wiki and the whole reason I got in to this - Charlie Sheen's 20 Minutes with the President.


I'd recommend getting straight to the numbered points that he makes.

Just remember - you are always expendable. Things are always just a "coincidence".

Rando Thoughts October 09

Haven't had one of these in some time.

So

Here we go.

Sometimes when I am petting my dog I expect her to look up at me and say, "Thanks."

Or something more than that. But just a couple words because, you know, an entire sentence might be a little too much to take on at that point.

I imagine myself freaking out. Dancing around the room. Going to grab my camera to record some video of her talking. Although I think it would be awesome and we'd probably become super famous millionaires from all the publicity, I kind of like the amount of non-talking she does. Even though her bark is enough to drive me mad.

That reminds me of the news I watched in Florida this past weekend. They showed a dog who could read. I didn't get it. Or, I was trying to figure out a way that the owner could've trained the dog to read without really reading. Like if he had the flash cards in the same order every time. Or if he was making secret gestures or changing his body language every time he changed a card. Because dogs can pick up on stuff like that. They have to. They can't talk. Or read. Yet.

My cousin emailed me this link. I try to do my part to help out with the environment. I hardly ever consume anything (cause I'm cheap). I don't drink bottled waters. I recycle even though they don't do curbside pick up here. Yes, I have to bring my recycling all the way to the local recycling center here. After letting it pile up for 2 weeks it's usually time to bring it in.

But seeing this kind of stuff is heart breaking. I know I shouldn't care, heck I ate probably an entire chicken today - but these birds were free. Not like farm raised animals who are going to be killed regardless.

I see stuff like this and think, "It's useless. We're screwed." But then I wonder if one of my theories about the human race will become true. If we'll start to decay as a species instead of evolving. And because of the decay there will be less of us, therefore less consumption. Throw in the whole drive for leaner, more efficient processes = less jobs = less money to buy food = war possibly? Probably not - they'll probably be some talking head on TV pounding the table about the "resiliency of the human race". See how I changed those last two words there? Because in the future it'll be different. A little.

I saw my senior manager and her husband at the grocery store this evening. And it was kind of odd seeing as how I was just busting my arse for her a couple hours prior. It was almost like seeing your teacher at the grocery store. Kind of awkward...but not as bad. It's easy to run in to coworkers out here because they take over half of the property that we're currently living in.

As we walked out of the grocery store I was thinking, "I wonder where those two stand in their circle of friends and family?" Being a senior manager at one of the largest companies in the world is definitely going to have it's perks. And her husband works there too. She's already talked to me about her 401k cause I had shared that I had an interest in finance related things. So I know where she stands there (and I'll leave the readers hanging on for something that I won't publish) but I don't know how she stands socially.

I mean, from what I've seen she's really given up a lot of her life/soul in to this company - and I see it in my wife's mother too. Both women sticking with their jobs for over 20 years - companies that have paid for their lives, but at the same times have taken a majority of it away from them. Terrible to think about it that way but...I do.

Anyway, I couldn't help but look at them in the grocery store and almost see a 30 year reflection of the wife and me. Would that be us in 28 years? Are they happy? Obviously they're still together so they must have done something right.

But every story is different. And the best I can do is take the good from other relationships and try to apply it and leave out the rest.

I'm getting no sleep. I feel like I nap every night. Usually I get 6 hours a night of sleep and that's "good enough". I like to get 7. But now I'm getting 5 at most, sometimes 4. Because I'm still trying to live my "pre-overtime" life outside of work, fitting in all my standard activities (blogging *cough*) while working all day.

I am always told, "You can't keep burning the candles on both ends."

It's, "I can't" never did anything. It's "did" that did it.

Probably screwed that up, because I always do.

I am struggling with buying this Garmin GPS. Why? Because it's almost late October. Which means November is coming up. Which means that Black Friday/ridiculous holiday deals are almost here.

But here's the problem: We have family coming in for Thanksgiving. We'll "need" the GPS by the time they get here. ("Need" is in quotations because we've lived without it this far, so why do I need it now? Ugh...)

We drove across the country with a borrowed GPS - one not as cool as this one, but still pretty awesome. And it made life a little bit easier. I was skeptical at first, but after it got us to 3 destinations properly (without any crazy u-turns) I trusted it.

So...to put it in list form:

Pros: "Need" to drive around (for vacations, back across the country)
Saves time/paper by not needing to print up directions anymore
Saves time by not getting lost anymore after reading said printed directions
Saves anger/frustration from getting lost (which happens about 10% of the time - e.g. really lost and having to ask directions)
Gives us the ability to find healthier options/more interesting for food on road trips instead of just going to the nearest McDonalds.

Cons: Money. Always the money. Can I buy this cheaper in a month?
MSN direct services is free for 3 months after puchase. Wouldn't I want this service on the drive home from Charleston to Seattle? If yes, shouldn't I wait until at least December (assuming we go home in February?)
I've lived so long without one, why purchase one now?
A better one will always be coming out 2-3 years from now and I'll be wishing I had a new one which = more $$$
Sometimes the voices in the GPS are annoying/they don't have any funny ones (for free).
More distractions in the car = higher probability of accidents.

Seriously. I have been thinking about making this purchase for a month. This is how painful it is to be me in regards to spending on something I don't need.

That's it for now. Time to brush my teeth and get my 4 and a half hours of sleep. Usually when I write this fast I miss key words in my writing so...yeah.

Business Acumen

I've been thinking a lot about my first year at my previous job a lot lately.

Because one of the things that kept popping up out of probably one of the smartest guys I've ever worked with was his drive to constantly build his business acumen.

Sure, I understood what the words meant, but admittedly 5 and a half years later I still don't feel that I've gotten to that same point that he was at. To me it was like he was chasing something that couldn't be caught.

Within a year he was moving on to something better - and I missed him as a coworker, but I knew he couldn't stay in such an easy position. He was bored and unhappy. I was bored and loved getting paid for doing barely anything. I got in to a routine and I left "well enough" alone.

I worked with people I never felt really challenge me. Rarely did I ever learn on the job, and although it was fun and easy going most of the time - I'm starting to now realize what I was missing out on.

In my new position, every day I am impressed.

People that surround me get things almost immediately. They communicate effectively and concisely.

There is no time to waste. There are deadlines to meet, stress levels are high, and every day feels like a battle.

Every day in my last job felt like a retirement home in comparison. Waking up, reading the newspaper, checking what's on the menu for lunch and dinner tonight. Maybe watch a couple of old movies on Turner Classic and then get in my prime time law and order. Yes. That is what it will be like to be old.

The problem is that I've been stuck in a position for so long dealing with people who (sadly) I believe are at or below my level that I've got a lot of catching up to do. Not only do I have to learn the language (the company has their own online acronym dictionary), I have to take up a critical role within this company down here - after never being with the company before, this being midway through my 5th week with them.

The learning curve has been steep. And I've said to everyone I've shaken hands with, "I'm here to help out. I'm a sponge and I'm going to soak up as much as possible as quickly as possible."

Because no one wants to take time out to train the "new guy" and get him up to speed. In my last job we had books on how to learn the job we did. There was nothing for me. It was, "Get in, get your hands dirty and learn as you go." I've heard that's how training has been for everyone - but in this type of environment I'm not so sure.

So today, one of the things I was impressed by was the level of communication. And sure, it was just employees talking to one another - but it reminded me of my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Schultz. Who talked to us using what I like to refer to as "big words". And how using more descriptive/precise words would help us out in the future someday. Unfortunately for me that someday is yesterday and to this point I haven't implemented any of the vocabulary I've learned over the past 27 years.

So my face turns bright red when I'm sitting in the middle of a meeting table, my senior manager in front of me and the room being filled with all of her direct reports - the 4 top managers at the factory. She poses a question directly to me, which I had an answer for. But...it sounded stupid. That's the only way I can put it. I gave her part of the right answer (where another manager picked up from) but in comparison to everyone else that was speaking at the meeting I sounded like a 5th grader in a college lit class. I'm sure no one else other than me took it that way (they were all buried in their blackberrys anyway) but still, there's no reason I should feel that way.

As an example (and maybe this is standard at your office, but at my previous one it was not) here are some vocabulary words I heard in the meeting today:

-Indignant
-Prescient
-Galvanize
-Tertiary
-Inflammatory
-Languid
-Reticent

I don't know if any of you use these words in your daily dialogue, but I sure don't. So maybe that's one part of this "acumen" thing I've always wondered about.

One might say it's piqued my curiosity on the subject. Or at least I can hope to avoid feeling "stupid" in front of people in the future.

Dear My Single Guy Friends,

Quit it.

Stop it.

Stop being single and acting like you don't care. That being single is the best thing in the world because you can do whatever you want to whenever you want to and have no one to answer to about what and when and how you do it.

I've lived alone before for a few months and it was one of the most disheartening experiences in my entire life. I don't know how many of you continue to live your lives like that. Filling it with TV, internet and alcohol.

Here's the thing: There are people out there for you. Who are more than willing to take you on a test drive. A first date. And yet you sit there and wuss out. Going home that night wondering "what could have been?". Thinking to yourself how you saw an opportunity and did completely nothing about it. Chalk it up as another failure.

I am writing this post because last night I got to a point where I was so fed up with it, that I took over. I was the guts. And I got the glory (for someone else of course).

Scenario: Softball team celebrating a win together at a bar. Majority of males at our table, half of whom are single.

A cute brunette woman (slim, long brown hair, good teeth) walks up and sits down next to us. She is suddenly the attention of everyone at the table but focuses in on single guy (SG) who will remain nameless.

SG and her are chatting it up. Smiling. Focused on each other. Everyone else realizes to lay off of her so we can give SG a chance. At love.

After what seems like 30 minutes of conversation she gets up and leaves - still seemingly happy.

So we ask SG: "What's her story?"

We get the info on her. And lead in to the question that everyone asks after a random meeting like this: "Did you get her number?"

"No."

*shocked*

"What? Why not?"

"Just...cause."

"Pffttt"

I could not believe SG is letting this girl slip away. I get up from the table and head to the bathroom and see that she is already on to her next single guy (who is much less attractive and more than likely doesn't have as good a personality/job as her first SG).

So I decide right there that I'll finish the job. I'll get the number. I've got liquid courage. The wife is there and I've already gotten clearance from her too.

So while SG is heading to the bathroom I make my move. I go over, tell her that SG thinks she's cute. She asks me if this is junior high all over again. We laugh.

Because for some of you guys, it freaking is junior high all over again. You SGs out there have so little guts you remind me of myself in 7th grade calling girls I had crushes on and hanging up as soon as I heard "hello".

I tell her about how my SG is just really nervous around girls, how he hasn't had a gf since college (which is getting pretty far away for some of us now - sad) and that if she would give him a chance I think she might like him. So who gets the number for SG? This guy.

Proud of myself I hop in the car to share the good news with SG. Only to hear complaints from him about it. Complaints? When I asked him how he was going to run in to her again he said he would stalk her at work (she works at a restaurant across the city). And that would be better than calling her? Stalking her at work? No.

Complaints invalid.

So to all you older SGs out there (you're almost 30 now): C'mon already. Grow a pair. Lonely people (hate to say just women - don't want to discriminate) out there rely on you to step it up.

That Tired Moment

Since I was so tired at work – and didn’t want to actually do work, I’m going to write this.

There is always a moment – and it first started in school for me, when you look up at the clock and realize – I can’t believe it’s only been an hour.


You don’t know if you’ll make it through the rest of the day with how slowly time has passed during that first portion of it. It seems like lunch is even weeks away. And then, the yawns start to hit you. You try to hold them in, not look tired. But it’s too hard to resist. You start to crash. All you can think of right now is that warm comfy bed. Waiting for you back home. The place you left so you could pay for the place that you left.


You think about the night before. About how you either shouldn’t have stayed up as late as you did. Or how you wish you could’ve gotten more sleep – or hadn’t been woken up so many times. Maybe how many times you tossed and turned throughout the night, trying anything to put yourself to sleep. But it’s no use. You know that tomorrow will be a disaster.


So you try different things to break you out of the eye droop.


-You get up from your desk and go for a walk. Maybe some physical activity will get you going. You roll your chair around hoping to stretch out your body.


-On your walk you run in to friends/coworkers that you don’t mind chatting with. Or that make you laugh. At this point noticing someone’s new haircut might keep you awake.


-You snack. You drink coffee. This is why corporate America is so fat. Because we’re so tired. From eating so much to keep us awake. Because we’re so tired.


-You drum on your desk. Tap your feet. Hum part of a song that’s stuck in your head.


-You constantly check your emails. Hit "Send/Receive" twice in a row to make sure that someone didn't just send you something in that millisecond between your slow double click even though you have "Send/Receive Settings" set to "Check every 1 minute(s)". Anything to read – surf the internet.


-Daydream. Placing yourself far from your cube – only in your thoughts though.


But what if all of those don’t work?


You go in to the stealth sleep mode:


-Fake itching/rubbing your eyes so you can close them for a few seconds.


-Acting like you’re stressed (you might actually be) and patting your hair down or rubbing your own neck while closing your eyes and letting out a deep sigh. Putting your entire face in to your palms while you rest your elbows on your desk, therefore covering your entire face and giving you the ability to close your eyes.


-Leaning your head against your hand and facing away from the aisle/other cubes to get some shuteye.


-Cupping your eyes like your own personal binoculars for your monitor. But not really, you don’t need a set of binoculars to see 2 feet in front of you.


-I swear some people sit on the toilet, lock that stall door and fall asleep.


-You might even head out to your car, tilt your seat back and pass out there. Yes, you might.


Sometimes I think one of my bigger fears is to become narcoleptic. During a meeting I was involved in last week - not really involved, just sitting and nodding of...I mean my head - there were a few times where my eyes took too long to blink (seriously) and my head bobbed and felt like it was headed straight for the desk in front of me. You know when you fall asleep in the car but your head isn't resting on anything? And how your neck suddenly relaxes and timber there goes your head? Yeah, that's what it felt like.


So being a narcoleptic who freaks out about falling asleep. That would be terrible. But at the same time, if I was able to randomly fall asleep I would probably feel much more rested.


That being said, I can't wait to get in to bed.

Why Being Drunk Is Awesome

I need to get some posts in for this month.

So here goes a worthless one.

I had 3 pitchers to myself this evening.

Just as a little frame of reference.

But so many people bad mouth substances. Cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs.

Not me. I figure as long as you can do your own thing and keep others out of danger then you're cool. I definitely live in the "whatever you want to do as long as it doesn't harm others" camp.

So back to the title of this post. Let's create a list.

Why Being Drunks Is Awesome (in no particular order):

-Inhibitions are thrown out the window. You can say whatever the eff you want whenever the eff you want to. You know why? Cause you've been drinking. And people know that. So they

-Excuse you. I don't know how many times people have told me I've done something stupid while drinking and not remember. But in their book it's fine because they all know that you were trashed at that point and couldn't control yourself which brings me to...

-Great excuse. Well, I guess it's not great, but it's easy to say (after a night of effing up) "OMG I was so drunk. I'm pretty sure I blacked out."

-Everyone (not just women) look so much better. It's like your brain relaxes on the alcohol and so does everywhere else. When sober a 6/10 might not be too enticing. But pump some alki in to it and all of a sudden that 6 becomes an 8. I'll be loving those beer goggles.

-Truth Serum. Love getting people drunk who can hardly hold in their secrets. Why? Bec ause by the end of thd drinking session you're learning things you shouldn't have even known.

-Blacking out. Maybe this isn't for everyone. But trying to piece together certain things from the night before sometimes makes for a good time. All the investigation - where was I during this point of the day during which day. Sometimes it's fun to put things together like a giant life puzzle.

-Liquid courage. Honestly I don't know if I'd be married right now if it wasn't for liquid courage. Liquid courage got me holding hands with the wife even bef0re we were "dating". Liquid courage has never let me down. In fact, if I could thank liquid courage for my life I would. Someone should come up with a mascot or something for liquid courage.

-It's a pain pill in a few drinks. Screw advil. Give me 3 beers all day for whatever is ailing me. And luckily for me there isn't much ailing often.

I'm sure there's more but I'm starting to go cross eyed looking at this screen. But for now, that's good enough. In conclusion - so far, being drunk is awesome.

What am I going to do now?

That was the question I had continued to struggle with.

And I started struggling with it back on April 17th, the day I learned I was losing what I thought was my "safe" job.

Luckily for me, I got a severance. But even during that time (still currently happening) I still had this nagging thought of "What am I going to do?"

What am I going to do with my life? What am I supposed to be? What am I going to do for work so I can afford my life?

Luckily through the power of networking the wife was able to get me a job where she works. It's more money than I've ever made before. So much that I figured it would take me at least another 5-7 years of working before I had his this point in salary. I guess all of us have to get lucky sometimes.

So today marks my 7th full day of working.

It's weird being back.

The dressing up in the morning. Packing of lunch. Waking up when it's dark out (and soon to be coming home when it's dark). Feeling like I just lost out on hours of time during the workday and trying to cram in silly things like going to the bank to deposit checks - even that is a struggle with figuring out how I can get there during business hours.

These are things I haven't struggled with for 2 years.

And to make things even more odd, most days I'll drive in to work with the wife since we work in the same building (and she's got air conditioning in her car and a better parking pass). I liked having our work lives and home lives separate. Or maybe it's just because I've never worked with her before. But so far, it's OK. It's not great, it's not terrible. I guess the only gripe I've had about it is instead of meeting people for the first time and letting them get their own impression of me I receive a lot of, "Oh, I've heard so much about you!" comments. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing - I don't know, reading this actually makes me feel ridiculous for nitpicking.

I suppose it will get better once I'm fully out on my own and doing my own thing for 8 hours a day or more. It doesn't help that we work within 30 yards of each other, or that we share similar job titles.

But now that I have this job there is something new I'm beginning to struggle with. It's the "Where do I go from here?".

I read through some of the leadership's documentation today (go sharepoint admin) about the need to fill for staffing. Under the "temporary gaps" section of this specific document they had my name listed.

I mean, I know, and the company knows, that we're supposed to be here for 6 months. Just like last year. Our current contract says we'll be out of here by next February. But, what if? What if I can't find a job as easily as I did down here? What if I can't transfer back up home? What then? Do we stay until I can relocate or someone is willing to hire me?

It just one of those moments where you know things will be changing in the future again for you - that what you've got right now isn't solid, and pretty soon you're going to have to come up with something else. The "What am I going to do now?" question is coming back once again - and next time I'm pretty sure it won't come with a severance package to give me time to answer it.

25 days

Of unemployment.

And finally I'm almost getting a chance to relax.

Out of my 11 weeks of severance payment plus the 4 and a half weeks of vacation payout I am coming up on using a quarter of it.

Relaxing is weird though. I think Thursday (2 days from now) will be the first day I won't have anything planned.

No errands to run. Nothing to help out on.

Only breathing. Eating. Using the bathroom. Taking my dog out to use her grass bathroom.

The past 25 days have not felt like I've been unemployed. I spent 10 of them throwing "going away" parties, dinners and brunches, happy hours and then finally cleaning up after all the mess that was left and making sure we shipped everything we wanted to Charleston (we didn't).

I spent 7 of those 25 days skipping from hotel to hotel across the country.

And the past 8 days have been used to:

A) Find a place to live, figure out leasing terms (3 days)
B) Get our stuff delivered and unpacked (2 days)
C) Get everything set up (utilities, cable, household goods) (3 days)

And now I get a chance to really enjoy not working. But it's been odd. The past few days have not been filled with much on the "to-do" list. And when they're not (like Thursday will be) the days last what feels like an entire summer.

And I was thinking about this earlier tonight. About how while we work (for those that just hope to get through most days and can't wait to get off or get to the weekend) we count the hours, the minutes. And then as soon as we do get off work we fill our afternoons and evenings, and weekends with so many activities and events that are planned - it feels like there's never enough time.

I used to do little *fist pumps* every time I'd reach a time milestone during my workday. I'd look up and I'd be 3 hours in to my shift. Almost halfway, and then all of a sudden it was an hour past lunch and the hard part was over. On a larger scale as each week wore on I couldn't hurry it along fast enough. By Thursday I was so forward looking to the weekend that many of those mornings I woke up thinking it was Friday.

So to come out of that constant pushing forward to the weekend to a point now where tomorrow isn't that big of a deal to me - it's almost how I felt every summer after school. Waking up that 2nd week of summer break and realizing that I didn't have to go in to school that morning. Nor did I have any homework that was due. I wonder if this is what retirement feels like too - I've tried to pry my dad's real feelings out of him about retiring but he seems to be enjoying it.

Maybe after working for so many years it's that much sweeter. And it's probably because I know that I have to work sometime in the near future (in order to afford our lives) that's nagging on me and not allowing me to fully enjoy my money for nothing.

I can't remember the last time I didn't do any "work" for an entire month. We'll see how much longer this lasts.

Back on the DI

It's weird, but it feels like I was coming home.

As soon as I saw that bridge - smelled the factory and looked out across the river I thought to myself, It's good to be back.

But, I suppose that's what most people would feel after seeing 2,800 miles of unfamiliar.

We took a different route this time down. Last time we took the route that was the shortest. Compared to the route we took this time, it is also the most boring.

Well, maybe I'm just saying that because we spend 2 nights in the most interesting city on our way - a city I had never been to before but had heard was awesome - Chicago.

I was expecting it to be good. Definitely up there with my other favorite cities. But the way I set it up for myself and the way it surpassed my expectations were all very surprising.

After being stuck in traffic for about 40 minutes heading in to the city - even at 11 am - suddenly the road opened up as soon as we were heading downtown. It was almost as if the city said, "Let these guys in already" and as soon as we started moving I knew this had to have a soundtrack. So of course I turned on "Homecoming" by Kanye. I don't care how cheesy anyone else thinks that song is - I love it because I remember the first time I heard it. Thinking, "Ok, this song is about some girl right? Some baby mama that he left in his hometown." And by the end of it realizing, "Huh, that was actually pretty smart." Props Kanye. You provided a perfect soundtrack for driving in to downtown.

In 1 day we did as much sight seeing as we could do. Unfortunately our hotel (The Westin) made us sign a waiver that we wouldn't leave the dog on her own without anyone else in the room. So because of that we had to take her with us - everywhere we went. I was afraid she wasn't going to make it - sure the dog can probably run 6 miles (we take her on 3 mile+ runs every now and then) but walking around the city for 7 hours? I'm not sure she would make it.

Remember those Family Circus cartoons where little Billy is walking all over the yard and getting in to and out of things? Let me see if I can do that on google maps and get everyone a trail of what we did:


View Larger Map

Start at the Westin (A), end at Buckingham Fountain(G). All told almost 8 miles. Including 2 boat taxis, 1 boat architecture tour, some shopping on the magnificent mile, hot dogs and italian beef sandwiches at Portillo's, and then more sightseeing at Millenium Park. And the whole time the dog was right there, walking right beside us. Sure she took a nap, and yes she got lots of food and water along the way, but for every one stride I make she takes 4. So maybe that's what was so impressive about Chicago - is that my dog kept up with us.

In all seriousness though, Chicago is probably in my top 3 of most beautiful cities I've ever seen. It's almost like if you took NYC, got rid of a lot of the bums and the trash and the crazy people and replace them with large concrete flower boxes and a river that basically creates a large canal running throughout the city? Then you have Chicago.

The wife even said that she wouldn't mind living there. And that's pretty rare for her to admit something like that.

Enough about Chicago though - and just as a side note and totally out of chronological order of our trip. Our 2nd stop on our drive across the country was in Sioux Falls, SD. After stopping in Rapid City last year I wasn't too keen on stopping in South Dakota again - but the next stop would've made our 2nd day of driving a 15 hour day after we had driven 12 hours on our first day to get to Billings MT. Not going to happen.

As soon as we got settled in our hotel we went out for a run in the neighborhood behind the hotel. Here's how you can make an impression for your entire city on people who aren't from there. Wave hello at complete strangers who are on a run and ask them how they are doing. After exchanging niceties with a complete stranger who looked like he was just finishing up mowing his lawn we decided that Sioux Falls had, "Very nice people." And that's all it took - was just that one person to say hello. And of course all the friendly people we met at Red Lobster that night too.

After Chicago we drove down to Knoxville. The original plan was to stop in Louisville but as soon as we got there we both felt like we had at least another few hours of driving in us. Looking back on it I think it was a bit of a mistake because Knoxville was small. And kind of odd. It felt like a ghost town but there were people there. It felt like a ghost town because they had the "old town" of Knoxville and then they had the new town. And in the new town there were plenty of buildings that were empty and for lease. And in the middle of town is where it seemed like everyone was congregating. Everywhere else - there was just no one. Knoxville = weird.

One of my favorite drives to take though is along the Bourbon trail in Kentucky. After days of driving through miles of straightaway where you can see the road ahead for almost 10 miles (I picked out landmarks to see how far my eyes could see and then measured them - yes this is how bored I was driving through big sky country) driving those twisty roads through green trees and then heading up in to the smokey mountains was amazing. I think I'm definitely going to make it a point to stop in that area in the future.

After days of driving, our last drive from Knoxville to Charleston went by so quickly. And although it took us a few days to find a place to live for at least the next 6 months, I'm happy to be back on the island. Yes it is a little "Stepford Wives" as a friend of mine puts it, but so is the area I'm from back in Seattle. Plus on the island I believe that people care about their community, whereas in a larger city I think people can lose sight of that.

Tonight as I was walking the dog I looked up in to a gorgeous sunset on the best night (weather wise) we've had out here since we arrived here last week and I saw the Charleston flag displayed for me in it's natural state in the evening sky. A waxing crescent moon perched high above a palmetto tree. So happy to be back and I am excited to share with those coming to visit.

Why it's not over yet...

Reasons why the stock market and everyone who is so optimistic on the whole economy might be taking a turn down the path of unhappiness once again:

-Companies reporting earnings numbers based on cost cutting (layoffs/office closures) vs. top line revenue growth. You can slash and burn a lot of things, but if you continue to lose revenue (in a lot of cases a 70%+ year over year difference) sooner or later there won't be any revenue to pay the employees you have left. A growing economy is not one that continues to cut it's workers to make (or beat) analyst's estimates.

-10% unemployment or more in 15 states as of today. And soon many unemployment benefits will expire. Think of all the workers who have been living off unemployment, slowly running out of time to find a new job. Soon enough even their $300 a week will be gone too. Then it becomes a matter of survival. What do you pay for? Food is always first. Everything else is not necessary. More houses become vacant. More credit cards unpaid. Less revenue generated for "luxury" goods - in even this case anything that is not edible. And what do we get from this?

-Downward spiral with commercial mortgages. Every day I cringe at the sight of the big "FOR LEASE" signs. All of those strip malls out there. Heck, even all of those actual malls. Those were big investments for someone - for some company. And when that domino effect starts (which it already has begun), watch out. Let's take one of your local malls. I'm sure plenty of us have them near us and know what kind of stores are in them - many of which you've always wondered how they remained in business. Guess what? Some of them may be out of business soon if they are not already out of business. Mrs. Field's cookies become a luxury. No one sees the point of pretzels from Auntie Anne's (and actually can find the recipe online). iTunes, Amazon and even Walmart continue to dominate stores like FYE, Gamestop, Barnes and Noble, Borders. And those last two companies take up a lot of space which costs them a lot of money in the form of a lease. And as soon as that rent stops getting paid, the owner of the mall cannot continue to take the loss on their multi-million dollar property...who's going to be left holding the bag on that one again?

Probably us, the tax payers. Which brings me to my last reason why this isn't close to being over yet...

-Politicians still unable to agree on anything - we're seeing the same old gridlock as we always haev in the past. In my opinion nothing has changed except the talking head on TV. The stimulus is a joke. I laugh every time I see an ad for Cash for Clunkers - although for at least the last month things will look rosy just because of an incentive that tax payers are paying for anyway. Driving down to Charleston I saw a lot of "stimulus projects". Lots of roadwork. Yes, many of the roads we drove on needed a little work. But were they bearable? Absolutely. Couldn't this money have been spent somewhere better? I don't think I-90 needed to be completely repaved. The whole health care situation is a mess. States like California are basically bankrupt - I heard a story where they were considering releasing thousands of inmates to cut their budget. Absolutely hilarious. I can already sense the wave turning on all that "Hope for Change." Things could get ugly in regards to our talking heads pretty soon.

-Statistics lie. In June there was a .5% increase from month to month in the Case Schiller home price index, (meaning that home prices actually increased from June to July) however if you really drilled down on that number there was actually a 17% decline in prices since last July. So you're telling me that across this nation that homeowners lost almost 20% of the value in their homes? Some homes out there which have already lost that much over last year? Some homes (like my parent's house) which was completely paid off and they just continue to lose that equity? How must each person who goes to the market to offload what is now a depreciating asset - how terrible must they feel to take a loss on something they've dumped years of hard work in to? Sickening.

-Inflation hasn't even hit yet. All of these dollars to "stimulate" the economy have to go somewhere right? I give it 3-5 years assuming we continue down this path. Imagine gas over $6 a gallon. The oil companies have to continue to make their money too. And yes - I forgot, there is "alternative energy", but remember it's much easier to build/service a solar panel/wind farm than it is to constantly be mining for coal or drilling for oil. More jobs lost (although we've been told that this green revolution will create more jobs - I'll believe it when I see it).

-Of course all this bad news sets us up for what I'm assuming will be the worst retail Christmas ever. Because that is what counts. What happens when you have an economy based off of 70% consumers - meaning they actually consume things - who back off their spending by even 10%? Disaster. I even looked around at Old Navy today and saw 3 moms shopping with their kids for what I'm assuming was back to school stuff. 5 years ago I would've had to squeeze past shoppers in the aisles, wait for a fitting room and then wait once again to purchase my old navy performance fleece. Now? *crickets*

Currently I'm still in the mode of "cautiously optimistic" for the US. However, over the next few months (possibly until late 2010) the ugliness is more than likely going to continue.

Sweet Sorrow

I can't say it any better.

So I'm just going to steal it.

In less than 48 hours I am going to be starting the long journey that is driving across the country once again.

Unfortunately for me, there were no sweet enough offers for me to stay. But, in all reality I never really tried as hard as I should have.

I think it was the combination of knowing that we were more than likely going to be leaving once again and also the terrible state of the economy that contributed to my lack of drive for finding something in Seattle. I hope it doesn't carry over - but I don't think it will.

I'm sitting right now in what is basically an empty house. They took everything we needed - furniture, housewares, clothes. And now I am living out of a suitcase. In my own house. I'd love if we could get on the road right now, but I've got some extra things to do before we leave. Unfortunately family wasn't available to say their last goodbyes and I've got 2 more softball games I'd like to play in to basically end my Seattle summer.

And that's another sad part about leaving. Everything is always, "Last" - for at least the next 6 months. This is the last time I'll eat teriyaki. This is the last time I'll play basketball with this group of guys. This is the last time I'll be taking the dog on a walk through our neighborhood.

When you put a spin like that on things - everything becomes important. Intense. More beautiful than you've ever seen it before. You recognize things that for the past 9 months you just would walk by. Suddenly the leaves rustling in the breeze have now become art to you. Because you know it's going to be some time before you see them again. I hold on - I savor it as much as I can. Take it all in.

Because once I'm on that road again - all I've got are pictures and memories.

I honestly thought I would be much more excited to leave than I am right now. Maybe it's the lack of job that's hurting me. Or maybe it's the memories of all the good times I had back home while I was here.

Life keeps moving on, so I'll try my best not to frown on great times from the recent past and be welcome to new opportunities sure to come my way.

Just Like That...

It was over.

It was like one of those hate/love relationships. One where you would fight often, but keep coming back to it because it was the only thing available. Or so it seemed like. But all of a sudden over the past few months things had been getting worse and worse and you both knew things were coming to an end.

But as soon as it was said, "It's over. I'm sorry." It felt real this time. It felt like you were never going to see them again. And just in knowing that - that's when it hurt. In your stomach, in your heart - in your throat. You couldn't cry though because it had been coming for so long.

That's what it felt like yesterday when the movers came out to pick up everything. My monitor, my PC, my phone. It was so quick. Packed it all up in a box and shipped it back to the office. Thursday was my last day of work - of living the dream. Working from home, getting overpaid for something in the back of my head I knew couldn't last (but had hoped would).

I think one of the hardest parts about it is the pity party. Almost every person I've come in contact with that's known about my lay off has had an immediate, "I'm sorry" look on their face - if not also saying it and then wishing me, "The best of luck" followed up by something like, "You're young, I'm sure you'll find something." Just like the movers yesterday - telling me that I was lucky that I was still young enough to find something.

I just always think it's easy for them to say when here they are actually working still. Still pulling in a paycheck. Still, in some way, feeling useful.

Today, I went in and signed my severance papers. There is no better way for me to describe it other than, "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am". There was no ceremony, no fanfare. My exit interview and question period didn't even last longer than 5 minutes. Almost 4 and a half years and the best I got (other the severance) were a few firm handshakes and more "good lucks".

So, this is the start of unemployment. Luckily for the next few weeks I'll be busy getting some loose ends tied for the move to Charleston, and then getting settled. But after that, how I feel is anyone's guess.

Unemployment

I promised I'd write about my journey towards unemployment.

And I'm sure there's people out there who might read this and maybe gain some insight in to what they might expect. Or maybe might be feeling the same as I am right now.

For me, this is a pretty big blow. I think I've mentioned this in a previous post, but every time I think about it, it hurts a bit. And it hasn't really gone away over the past couple of months.

It sucks knowing that my peers are out there succeeding while I'm looking to start over. I hate knowing I will more than likely have a commute in the future - that I'll have to get dressed every day. That I'll lose my 5 weeks of vacation, and what little history I had built with my company.

I just feel like I don't want people to think I'm lazy - I feel like I got unlucky.

I also think that although they publish the unemployment number at almost 10% I think it's probably close to double that. I'm sure there are people out there who have given up on looking for jobs. Or they've just decided to cut back everything and live off of one income (if they're still lucky to even have that).

It's also hard to keep my head up when everyone else around me who is getting laid off is welcoming the lack of work with open arms. They can't wait to take this extended vacation. I am not one of those people. I think being without a job is embarrassing. I was hoping I would get over that feeling by this time, but I haven't. I think doing work is doing your part in this world and gives life a nice structure to it (even though many of us may hate our jobs). Also the benefits of being employed typically exceed the benefits of not being employed.

And yes, the money will be good for almost half a year. I'm going to receive a nice payout for the vacation hours I never used and then receive another 11 weeks of severance where they continue to pay me as if I was still working for the company. On top of that the amount of money I'll be receiving from unemployment was much higher than I had originally imagined.

Originally I figured that unemployment would be about 2/3rds of what I was earning while I was working. Either that or half seemed like the right amount to pay someone on unemployment.

For me, I will receive almost $2300 a month. This seemed like much more than I was going to get because I never calculated in the money that I never saw from my paycheck. I was maxing out my match to my 401K by contributing 7% a year. I was reporting "0" to the IRS because I always figured if I had it I'd spend it. I was paying towards a few benefits which I rarely ever used. And because of all that the unemployment amount will be enough for me to easily survive off of.

So you may have some questions for someone that's been through it, like I had before I gone through it.

Q: How do I apply for unemployment?
A: For Washington state residents go to http://www.go2ui.com and you can apply there.

Q: What do you have to do to continue to receive unemployment benefits?
A: After applying they require you to make 3 job "contacts" per week. To me, that means applying for 3 jobs a week. The unemployment office does have the ability to audit your applications so I have kept a record of all the jobs I have applied for. Also, you must file a weekly claim which is basically a set of yes or no questions which can also be done through the same website.

Q: How was your benefit amount calculated?
A: You can read through this website (again for WA state residents) to calculate your benefits.

Q: How quickly do you start to receive unemployment payments?
A: As soon as I received the announcement that I would be losing my job someone mentioned that it may take up to 6 weeks to receive my first payment. Knowing this, I applied for my unemployment benefits a month before my last day of work. After speaking with someone at the unemployment office supposedly the longest I would wait after applying for benefits would be 1 week. I am not sure if the 6 week time frame is true or not but I didn't want to test it.

Q: How long will you receive unemployment for?
A: The initial period is 6 months. They give you a maximum dollar amount for unemployment for those 6 months so if you do somehow make more money during a certain week (while you are unemployed, for example doing a side job or week-long only job) they will not pay out the unemployment benefits. You can apply for extensions for the unemployment benefit up to 2 years.

Q: Will your unemployment payment decrease after the initial 6 months of payments?
A: No

Q: Will my income be affected by taxes once I start working again because I've received unemployment money?
A: No

Q: If I move out of state to try and find a new job in a new location (or move in with relatives/family/friends) will I still continue to receive my unemployment payment from Washington state?
A: Yes

Q: How do taxes work on money that is paid to you for unemployment?
A: The application gave me the ability to let the IRS take 10% of what unemployment is paying me. I believe I answered that I don't want them to take it (sad I don't remember) since I have so many deductions at the end of the year that usually I need that income to write it off against (not even sure if this makes sense). I don't really have the answer to this question until I file my taxes next year - and God willing I'll have a new job by then.

If you have any further questions please let me know. I've got a total of 7 working days left, 1 of which I only have to sign my severance papers and the others I don't really want to work. So I'll definitely have time to do some research.

After over 4 years and so many changes I've gone through in my job, it'll be weird to wake up Monday morning, August 3rd 2009 and not have a job. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

As Old As Cain and Abel

"Just plain old jealousy".

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies. Remember the titans.

Ever since I've dealt with relationships with the opposite sex, I've always been jealous.

Sure, it's gotten a lot better as I've grown older - and hopefully wiser - but I will still admit it's there.

Maybe it's because I tend to date out of my league. Always going for women I feel are better than I am - maybe it's their looks. Maybe it's how they are as a person. Maybe overall they are just a better person than I am.

And I realize that - and become insecure. Realize that the woman I am with probably deserves better than me, and how I fooled her in to staying with me is kind of beyond me. In my opinion there is always going to be some guy out there that is better for her. Better in all aspects than me.

So I can't help it. I always think that that guy is going to come waltzing in to her life and sweep her off her feet making her realize what a bum I actually am.

This doesn't happen very often with the wife. I would say it definitely happened more often in college than it does now. In college I dated girls that I always thought would find better than me. Because it was college, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's easier to meet people in college because of all the social activities.

So I've been alright - and still am right now. But I wanted to write about something that really blew my mind. I think I've only written about my dreams once or twice before on this blog, but what really amazed me was that one of the dreams that I had last night actually taught me something.

Which, if you stop and think about it, is really odd. It is my subconscious trying to tell me something. And I woke up this morning at 3:30 AM right after I finished that dream and had a hard time getting back to sleep because I had a hard time accepting the fact that one of my dreams made me change my mind on something.

A little backstory first: The wife has been having some issues working out lately and not being able to drop the weight like she would like to. This being the case she met on Monday with - what I'm guessing - is an old friend of hers from high school who is now a personal trainer.

Not to be gay or anything, but the guy looks good. I can admit it. After all, his profession is in personal training and he didn't start out with bad looks to begin with. So knowing the stigma around personal trainers and understanding that there are vulnerable women out there who like to see results and love the support from an attractive male - it's not hard to see where my insecurities might be coming from.

Regardless, here's the best I can do from recalling my dream last night:

It started out with me walking in to what felt like a gym. The weird thing was, they had those blue pads down on the floor - you know the ones they use for gymnastics in junior high or put up behind basketball hoops to soften the blow. The weird part about it was the gym was split in half with a giant wall down the middle. On one side of the gym they had their weights and the other side they had the cardio equipment.

I walked down what was a sloping gym (another weird thing about it) and picked up a curl bar and starting working my biceps. As I was lifting I looked through one of the windows to the other side of the gym and there I saw my wife riding a bike and working hard...with who else next to her but the personal trainer I had mentioned earlier.

Ok - I was fine with it, but I was a little irked at the time because she hadn't mentioned anything to me (I was thinking this in the dream) that she was going to be working out with him that afternoon.

I remember sinking my feet in to the floor padding as I was curling the bar. And I was curling, there she was, now leaving the gym - soaked through her workout clothes because she had worked hard. I thought to myself that I was in the clear because all she had done was worked out with him, and now she was leaving. Unfortunately I was wrong. As she was walking out the door - she didn't even see me there lifting - she turned around to give the personal trainer a hug. And it wasn't just any sort of friendly hug - the ones that are short lived and maybe include a pat on the back and a quick pull away. It was a hug that lasted an eternity in my dream. One where she arched her back and leaned back a little and he leaned in to her.

Watching it broke me. In my dream I leave the gym hurt and feeling that pang of jealousy. Suddenly we are walking together down a asphalt trail through a large grass park. It is her and me and 3 younger people, one of which was interested in renting our condo we have in Northgate. For some odd reason in my dream we are walking to the condo now.

When we get there we open up the front door to the entrance of the condo and we find that since there were so many retired tenants living there (this is actually true) that the homeowner's association decided to hire full time live in nurses and turn the complex in to a retirement home. Seeing all the nurses walking around brought back terrible flashbacks to the girl who had happily agreed to come check out the condo and possibly rent it and she bust out in to tears. Unstoppable and an agonizingly loud sob - and there was nothing we could do about it.

I apologized to the girl checking out the property as she walked away, completely disturbed by what we had shown her. We decided to leave after another failed attempt at trying to rent out our 2nd property. For some reason, the wife and I arrived separately so I decided to go for a run first in that area before heading home. In my dream I thought I hadn't run around that area since going to college so I should get in my work out to help me avoid traffic on the way home along with checking out all the changes that the area had gone through since I was in college.

In the next part of my dream I am running under what looks like the aurora bridge. Except it is curling upwards, almost like a multiple on and off-ramp of one of our major freeways. During my run I am running with high knees (for no reason really other than a harder workout) and I am jogging through an almost empty parking lot. I run past a few of the cars in the lot when I see that one of the cars is running. From a distance I can see that there are 2 people sitting in what is an older light blue Saturn.

I run past the car and see one of my aunts sitting in the driver's seat and my neighbor decked out in suit and tie in the passenger seat. They are talking to each other but both are in a very somber mood and my neighbor looks like he is going to cry. I find this very odd - not that they are talking and are in the same car together (because they've never met) but because they are both very sad about something.

I run past the car trying my best to avoid eye contact. One of those times where you recognize someone but hope they don't recognize you. I run to a winding set of concrete stairs which supposedly leads to one of the freeway on ramps. As I am running up the stairs I hear the voice of my neighbor yell out for me to stop.

I stop a few steps up and look down to him. I can see that he is visibly crying and has been for some time because of his swollen eyes and red running nose. In his hand he holds a small brown ceramic pot which looks to be filled with ashes.

I ask him, "What's going on? Why are you so sad?"

"Do you know who's ashes are in this pot?"

My mind starts to race. I can't believe it. Someone in my family has died and now I have to guess at who it was. In my mind I am thinking it is someone in my Aunt's family because she was in the car next to my neighbor but didn't come out to talk to me herself.

So I guess at who's ashes they are starting with her family.

"Is it Tony's ashes?"

"No."

"Kyle?"

"No."

"Oh my gosh. It can't be Ally is it?"

And that's when I realized it. At that moment in my dream I figured out that my neighbor for some reason couldn't be that sad unless it was my wife he had the ashes of. And I stood there in a state of shock. In my mind I kept thinking it can't be her...please don't let it be her. Anyone but her.

And my neighbor took the pot in his hand, and dumped the ashes over the railing we were both standing over on the staircase.

"Actually Seth, what was in the pot was just sand." He said as he emptied the contents in the slight breeze that was blowing under the freeway. "But what's amazing to me is that you were willing to give up other's lives - those in your family who were much younger than you just to make sure these ashes weren't your wives. You were actually hoping this was their remains instead of hers."

And as soon as I had that realization I woke up. It may be a bit confusing after reading through all this, but in the end this dream helped me realize how important my wife was to me - and how I'll have to try my best from here on out to get past all the petty jealousy that has ruined my past relationships, and even destroyed lives like in the story of Cain and Abel.

It was a moral story within my own dreams. And while I was sleeping I've become a better person. I've never had a dream like that, one where I woke up with a bit of an epiphany. But I am thankful for it and impressed by the power of my own mind.

Now it's back off to dreamland.