The Mirror

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.

Happy Birthday mom.

One of my coworkers once said to me, "You know Seth, I'm in my late 50s. But when I look in to the mirror, I don't see that age. I mean sure, everyone else may see it, and my body and face may look it. But I don't feel like I am that old. When I look right back in to my eyes I still see that 19 year old full of energy."

I haven't had this happen to me yet thankfully.

I still see the same person in the mirror when I look in to it. I'm not having any sort of internal battle on what appears in front of me. But I know we all are getting older so I know that point is coming. For me I don't think I'll reach that point until maybe my late 40s. Hopefully no earlier than then.

People try to fight it with creams, surgery, they'll try anything to slow or reverse the "effects of aging". But how many people are they really fooling? I've always thought that no matter what you can change about your appearance - it still won't change the person you actually are.

I think people can tell when you've really lived. If you've lived a tough life, or just been down for too long. That kind of stuff not only boils a person internally - it usually steams out the top. You can only "put on a happy face" for so long.

I was just thinking about what it must be like to be my mom. Facing another birthday tomorrow - and one closer to the end of her life than the beginning. But I see a lot of life in her. I think if anyone will live to 100 years old it will be her. I wonder who she sees in that mirror?

From what I understand - dogs don't have the mental capacity to look at a reflection, picture or video of themselves and realize it is them. What would our lives be like if we had the same lack of ability? Where the only way we could tell how we looked was from the reaction we received from those viewing us?

Part of me thinks it would make us all much better people. Much less vanity and worry. Stress lines and crows feet would disappear. Or at the least we wouldn't be able to see them. And for some of us out there, we'd save a lot of time. I wonder what the original intent of the inventor of the first mirror was...

The Do Nothing A-hole

Sunday night.

The night that many employed people across the world dread.

The last few hours of freedom, then back to the dregs that are the Monday morning rat race.

Every weekday morning I wake up and look up at my ceiling fan. Wishing I hadn't woken up.

Because as soon as I do, it's over. I can't get back to sleep. Well not ever, but most of the time. And it is terribly frustrating just laying in bed and not being able to sleep.

Tonight I was considering sleeping pills to get me through the day. Because right now, there is no point.

I think everyone has it backwards. They dream of being at home all day while they're at work. Imagining their warm and inviting beds. Take it from someone who has had that for over 20 straight days now: It's not that warm, and the invitation wears off pretty quickly.

There is only so much reading, so much internet surfing, video game playing, walking the dog, basketball playing, weight lifting (etc) that you can do to pass the time. All the things you do in your "free time" (the time you would normally spend away from work) cannot fill your entire day forever. And sure it won't be forever - I hope, but at this point I'm stuck.

I'm stuck because I know I'm heading back to Seattle. But won't be doing so for another 42 days. And for those 42 days I've got to figure out how to burn time. How do you burn away over 1/10th of a year and hopefully come out on the other end with something to show for it?

How do I avoid not getting down on myself? I try to have things planned to do every day. I try not to think about things too much or too hard.

But sometimes it doesn't work. Sunday nights for example. Right now I feel like a do nothing asshole and I can't imagine anything better than sleeping through tomorrow morning all the way to dinner time.

I need some black out blinds.