Redefining Freedom

When I think of the word freedom, I think of the freedom of speech. The ability to move about freely and do whatever I would like to (typically within the law) without facing any hassle.

I never looked at having a job as freedom.

I thought I was giving up my freedom in return for money. In turn giving me the ability to enjoy much more freedom once I could be financially free, or to enhance the time that I had to use my freedom when I wasn't working.

On Friday afternoon, a day after my 27th birthday, I found out that the company I had given my first few years out of college to was getting rid of me. As I sit right now my final day with the company is July 31st. After that I have a few more months of severance pay and whatever else I have left saved over from the vacation I haven't used. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. I kept wondering if the announcement I had just been a part of had really happened.

And in an instant my definition of freedom was permanently altered.

For some reason I figured I was safe. The acquisition had cleared and those that were set to be laid off had already received their notices.

Also, I thought the company would need somebody in my position. I thought I was working in a necessary role. I thought.

But, it was a "business decision". I knew our office was closing, I just figured I could continue working virtually, or if I had to, I could relocate to a new building.

Instead they decided to chop us all off with an axe.

I had it all planned out too. There were people in my department that had worked the same job for years - many more than I had put in. Never wanting to move, or possibly wanting to and not having the ability. But really, how tough was my job? How bad was it that I could continue to receive raises and project my financial life out over the next 3, 5 or 10 years from now?

I had drawn a parabolic line. One that gradually rose over time never stopping to think it could all come to an abrupt end.

Sure, in my mind I had run the risk of disasters. Flood. Fire. Health problems. Debilitating car accident. Life is completely random and I don't plan for these types of things, but as an adult I understand they happen and I can try my best to deal with them when they occur.

But do you see something missing on that list? What about unemployment? I never thought twice about it because I've never not had a job. From the moment I needed money, I worked. And it was just something I did.

So maybe that's the reason why this hasn't hit me like a wheel barrow full of bricks yet. Because I know that I'll be able to find something - hopefully soon - that I can live with as my next job. That the imaginary line I have in my head doesn't have to have a big break in the middle of 2009. Every few hours though I'll get to thinking about it too much and it's like the knife continues to turn and stab away at my insides.

I've told friends and family not to start worrying until 2010. A full 7 months from now. Which by then, if I haven't found a new job, will be time to panic.

The wife is extremely optimistic, which is interesting to me. She spins a completely different perspective on the issue - that this will be an opportunity for me. And that it was time for me to stop slacking off. Not that she said that, but it's how I feel.

So this is how I am redefining my freedom. I am including security and stability. Having that steady income. That paycheck every two weeks. I see more freedom in a job now than I ever did. Because when I have my finances taken care of - when I am comfortable with that imaginary line again - when I can plan my vacation dates 9 months from now and not worry whether or not I'll have a job at that time - that's the next time I'll feel free again.

Perfection

I think my posts are getting shorter because of twitter.

Suddenly, I don't feel the requirement to write for at least 30 minutes.

In fact, I feel like twitter is counting my number of characters down...slowly coming down to a negative number and not allowing me to update because I've gone over the max number of updates.

This afternoon, the sun came out to greet all of us.

It felt like a Friday.

I got off early from work. It is so beautiful to not have to put in 8 hours of work. Only 4. To go to lunch but realize you don't have to go back.

How do you beat that?

Maybe calling in sick the next day. Maybe.

But I was worried about the clouds. The rain. There was 30% chance of rain today, but I never felt a drop.

Completely the opposite. The skies opened up. And we looked for parking.

China town. Under the viaduct. Sodo. Back to China town.

Sure it was frustrating. But at the same time we were driving around with the sun roof open an enjoying the sites. Or at least I was.

Then, the beer. Multiple beers. Beer, sun, and just cold enough to not sweat.

Then, finally, surrounded by great friends you watch opening day. The 10th inning. We come through with a walk off error.

Buzzing. Happy. Sitting in the sun.

Nothing but smiles and jokes.

Perfect opening day.

Go Mariners!

Fuck It

Today was going alright.

Just fine.

Until I got home from a meeting with a Key Bank retirement specialist and realized that I was disappointed and partly angry.

So I popped open a couple beers.

And drank to let out a little bit. Lately, I can't be fucking angry without having a few drinks. I bottle it up while I'm sober, never let go, until I feel like I can let loose a little bit.

We're looking at a majority rollover for my dad.

My dad, who, over 40 years of working has put away less than $2500 per year. And yes, that even includes a match from his company that is giving away free money, matching dollar for dollar up to $15,000 a year.

Thank God for my mom. She's going to keep working to keep the family afloat. Because without her my dad would run out of money pretty quickly.

As I'm assuming many of the baby boomer generation will be doing here shortly. Sure, you can retire. I mean, yeah, you're over 60. Good for you, you've worked for 40 years or more. But what do you have to show for it? Can you live off of social security alone? I'm not so sure.

So I had a few drinks. Ate dinner. Held it in.

And now?

I feel like a masochist.

Every so often, I think about burning it all down. I'm not sure if anyone else has the same thoughts.

Leave the life. Forget about the mortgage and the rest of the bills. Withdraw the entire retirement fund and head to Vegas.

Drink exorbitant amounts. Make a mess of myself. Lose it all and get back to reality amidst a fog of shame. Even still, I might have felt like I had "cleaned the slate". Give myself a chance to "reset".

But I don't have the freedom to do that. I mean, I guess I do. But would I ever do it? Probably not.

What is the point though? Is the point to, nearing the "Golden Years" of your life, be sitting in front of a banker offering you a 3% return on your money for the rest of your life? Is that the point? After all those years - all that time spent busting your ass in your so-called "career" only to be basically given a number that you're supposed to "enjoy" for the rest of your life?

I had a hard time not taking it out on the wife and the dog tonight.

Venting on here has helped though.

But in the end?

Fuck it.

The Home Run Ball

The league average of home runs per at bat is roughly 4%.

Sounds about right.

In every life there is a chance at the home run ball.

But the only way to get there is to take a step up to the plate.

I've been fouling off a lot of balls lately. And sure, I'm solid with a single or a double here and there. But just as often I've been caught looking with men in scoring position - or have been seen hitting in to an easy 6-4-3 double play.

Where's my home run ball? I feel like I've been thrown some meaty pitches, but never had the guts to swing away. Or I was early and pulled it foul, maybe swung too low and hit a towering pop up.

But for some reason I continue get back in the box and dig my toes in. Thinking that maybe this time around I'll hit that walk off.

It's all I know how to do, even though sometimes I feel like just riding the pine while everyone else gets all the glory.

I want to be part of that 4%.