Vegas

It's been much too long.

The 3 year ban has been lifted.

The last time I was in Vegas was August of 2006 for my bachelor party.

And after the physical, mental and financial abuse I took I swore it off.

Here we are, May 2009 and I've made it. Sure, I had the opportunity to go. Plane tickets were always cheap.

But I wanted there to be a reason to really go back.

And now I have it.

Starting Saturday, May 30th at noon will be Event #4 of the World Series of Poker. It's my first time playing the World Series of Poker and I am so excited.

I'll be going with my dad too, who amazingly is a pretty good poker player. I have visions of us meeting at the final table on Tuesday and having a ridiculous time.

I plan on getting 4th in the tournament which should pay at least $150K. Don't ask me why I'm shooting for 4th, for some reason it just has a nice sound to it. Almost as if winning the thing is too hard. Like 4th out of 6,000 people isn't hard enough.

But at the least, it will be a great way to spend some of my vacation and hopefully my dad or I can beat the masses (preferably both).

Hopefully you'll be seeing us on ESPN in a few months.

May all our straights be flushes.

I hate effing losing

Can't stand it.

Absolutely terrible feeling.

And the worst part about it is that almost everyone has to lose.

When it comes to sporting events that have a playoff structure, at the end of it all there can only be 1 winner.

That means everyone else that has played has lost. That's not very good odds for everyone else playing.

And even knowing that, I still haven't come to grips with it.

Sure, I've gotten better over the past few years. I don't fly in to drunken rages and take it out on the nearest bystander. No, now it's just a matter of taking a few hours to myself - thinking about the things I did wrong, the things I did right, and promising myself to do better next time.

But that's still a problem. A few hours.

The thing about playing in rec leagues is they usually only play once a week. Which means that when you lose you have to wait an entire week - sometimes more with the holiday weekend coming up - to redeem yourself.

One of the basketball teams I'm on has been on a bit of a losing streak. Sure, we've played some of the strongest teams in the league, but at the same time we've lost a few of the games on shots that were either made or missed in the last 5 seconds or less.

Just absolutely heart breaking.

And I can't help but blame myself. I can always point to plays I made when we lose by 3 or less and say, "This game was on me. I let my team down. I let myself down." And that kind of mentality is so hard to break from.

I've woken up the next morning after games and still been in a funk. That's how bad it is for me. And people have told me, "It's just a game." Yes. It is just a game. But it's a game I look forward to all week - and the day of the game it's all I can think about. And a few hours before? Nervous energy sets in. Nothing is right until I'm out there sprinting...sweating.

Also, I've always said, "Losers lose and winners win." Why is that? As soon as you start losing you start to point fingers. You question things that worked before while you were winning. You retool, you rebuild, you try your best to change. Whether or not it works is always questionable - but as soon as that seed of doubt is planted your head starts to hang a little bit lower and the ball just doesn't seem to bounce your way. This is why in every type of sporting event we see amazing runs of streaks. When a team continues to lose they keep digging themselves further in to that hole.

And maybe being so hurt by losing makes winning that much sweeter? I think that's definitely possible.

Another bright side to losing is the strong motivation for me to get better. When I lift, when I run, when I practice I think about "the other guys". How we lost because the other guys beat me to the ball, because they out hustled and out worked me. How I wasn't ready for them.

No, I'm not going to let any more people embarrass me.

I've found that there's nothing better than self talk when it comes to helping me work out. Just that image in my head of the losing score up on the board is enough to drive me to exhaustion.

I understand that losing is part of playing.

Doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

So the losing stops now. Time to turn it around.

I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watching Me

I don't want to sleep.

I'm tired. But I don't want to go. I am so tired that it seems more tiring to me to have to stand up - actually back up - log out of my google profile, close my laptop, put the laptop on the table, stand up, get my phone, turn off the lamp, walk upstairs, brush my teeth, and then get in bed - all of that seems harder than actually writing this post.

I like staying up late on Thursday nights. I'm energetic on Fridays because I know I don't have to save any energy for the weekend. Not really though because weekends are pretty tiring too. But at least I'm not sitting in a freaking computer chair all day on Saturday and Sunday. I can be sitting on the couch instead. And rarely do I have to focus. So the anticipation, the excitement, whatever it is. It seems to balance out with how late I stay up on Thursday nights.

And sometimes I think that being really tired throughout the day - not tired enough to just fall asleep - but enough to struggle actually makes the day go by faster. You yawn a lot, you're so tired that you just don't think about much and don't put much effort in to anything. It's nice. I've had that theory since college. Never confirmed it with anyone else though as to whether or not it works.

I have really tried to cut down the time on my showers. It's not working. I know what my problem is. I like to shower too much. Sometimes I'll just sit around trying to get cold before I take a shower. Because I like to take a hot shower. Even in summer. But that's the worst. Maybe not the worst, but it's pretty terrible. Taking a shower to clean off all the sweat that's been baked on you from the day's heat only to get out of the shower sweating because for some reason you took a really hot shower even though it's still 87 degrees inside your house. Cause God knows the cold showers don't really work either - you're cold and miserable while you're in the shower but once you step out it's still a freaking sauna in your house.

Sounds like someone needs air conditioning.

Today I ate crap. 2 eggos for breakfast. Leftover mexican food for lunch...combined with mash potatoes and gravy and fried chicken from KFC. Not really combined, but uhhh...as a side dish? I really didn't have enough leftovers from either meal to make a total meal - so it was a mish mash hodgepodge of sorts. Then, when the wife got home we were trying to think of what to do for dinner seeing as how our grocery shopping over the weekend had once again failed us and we really only had enough food for about 4 meals, half of which I ate during the week for my lunch.

I suggested "Burger or Asian food". I really wanted asian food. Anything. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Mongolian. But it's a rare day when she's up for it. I should've taken her up on the Mongolian request last weekend. Bad choice on my part. She of course chose burger. So throw a burgermaster burger and fries dipped in tartar sauce on to my "crap I ate today" list.

Previous life me would've never thought twice. Would have never kept this food journal in his head. Would have never felt a twinge of guilt. In fact, previous me would've laughed and said, "Have a few beers to wash it down! Then let's go get 4th meal."

In fact, my stomach is growling right now. Guess I shouldn't have stayed up.

So

Embarassingly, I did step aerobics through On Demand. Yes. Comcast offers excercise TV On Demand. And previously I had only used it for the ab workouts - which are killer because my GD core is so GD weak.

I wanted to go play basketball at the local court but I didn't want to leave the house (swine flu). I really wanted to hit the punching bag and jump rope. But that would mean I would have to move the car out - and hitting the bag like I do makes some serious noise. Even without my "I will destroy your face" music blaring in the garage. Then since I didn't do the boxing thing I wanted to go for a run...but the sun had already set and I hate running in the dark. Always excuses.

So there I was, marching in place to the TV, learning a whole series of movements to get my "heartrate up and melting away that fat!". Never understanding how trainers can yell out directions on what to do next through a set of smiling pearly whites.

Seriously - I had to stop. About 20 minutes in to the 30 minute program, I imagined someone watching me do this and immediately felt ridiculous. I had also barely worked up a sweat since the moves weren't that challenging either. I guess "cardio fat burn" meant, "If you're really fat here is some (quote unquote) 'cardio' that you can do which is so much better for you than eating those pork rinds in bed" but they just didn't have enough room to put that in the description of the program. I guess.

I know I am doing the right thing by my body. Watching what I eat and feeling guilty about not working out. But there is a certain line that I might have crossed over tonight...I feel like the guy who wears a speedo out to the beach for the first time.

Not really, but maybe someday I'll know that feeling. We all have dreams right.

Until then, just say no to step aerobics.

4 years ago

4 years ago - not to the day, I started writing on a computer.

I started writing in notepad - because it was something to pass the time while I was at work. There is only so much you can talk to your coworkers and sure, there's plenty of web surfing I could do, but that's looked down upon. Not considered, "Business use." And because of that, I started writing.

What came of all that writing was this blog.

It was a way for me to ramble on about my life, a way to pass the time, and many times served as a way to calm myself down. Get out all my thoughts before bed, or clear my head during a stressful time.

Now, soon to be without that job, I'm not sure if I'll be writing anymore. Can I really keep this blog when my day to day activities M-F aren't the same? My routine will be changing a lot (I'm assuming) in the coming months.

I wanted to turn this in to an unemployment blog. The things I'm thinking. How I felt cheated after I actually put effort in to my position.

How I feel helpless now, but a majority of the time I forget about what's happening and just continue living like I have over the past 4 years. Always knowing that when I wake up tomorrow morning on Monday that I've got a job to do, that will continue to pay the bills. It's not that I forget, it's just that I can't continue thinking about it. It's pointless.

I wanted to write about how all of the resumes I've sent in, all the applications I've filled out - how I honestly feel like they'll all end up in the trash somewhere. Virtual trash. And knowing that is very disheartening. That I'm not valuable enough to be head hunted (or not laid off at least) and that there are plenty of other people out there just as hungry for those jobs as I am if not more.

I don't want to go through signing up for new benefits. I don't want to have to change my schedule. I don't want to commute. I don't want to lose my 6 weeks of vacation. I don't want to learn all about my new coworkers wives and husbands and their hobbies. I don't want to have to wear a tie. Or a suit.

But I'll suck it up and do what needs to be done. Because adults take care of their responsibilities.

And I have been an adult for some time.

But the past few weeks have been tough.

I don't know if this happens to you or not, but sometimes while I'm reading a book I might be thinking about something else. My eyes move over the words on the page, but they don't mean anything to me. They're just a sequence of words. And I have to read that paragraph, or that entire page over again to really focus and understand what I just read.

That's what the past 2 weeks have felt like at work. Just going through the motions. Working only because of the slight chance I might continue working for the same company. Working only because they'll continue to pay me. Working only to keep my severance at the end of July.

Eyes glazed over. Nothing processing. Completely turned off upstairs.

Back to the void tomorrow morning.