On Fatherhood

Just wanted to take some time out and write a bit here - cause I haven't for some time.

I'm actually quite happy looking back and realizing I did post earlier this year - albeit it was one of my weaker (shorter) posts and also 8 months ago.

Unfortunately due to time constraints I'm going to try my best and keep this one short too.

Things are finally starting to slow down a bit for me.  I feel like I've been running and pushing non-stop.  But now the holidays are here and maybe I can get more than a few hours of free time in one week.  Maybe.

My son is now over the age of 1.  Admittedly it has been the hardest year of my life but has taught me so much and made me realize there is more to me than I previously thought.

There is strength and energy when I thought I had none.

There is the ability to function on less than half the sleep I used to get - which was already not a lot.

There is time...there is so much time when you remove "time wasters" (TV, Internet, etc.)

Things (chores, errands) are a lot easier when you don't have to also watch a toddler/carry a toddler while doing them.  I curse the day I thought that doing that work was annoying/hard.

It's softened me up.  I was probably pretty soft to begin with - but I used to like to think I was the young professional who could do anything.  Put in those long hours and work harder than everyone else - cause they had a family.

Now I'm one of them.  And it's good and it's bad.  But as I've heard before - it's way more good than it is bad.  Tonight we had some great family time - like we always do.  Everyone sharing a good meal and quiet time before bath and bed time.  The family reading stories together and laughing.  It might seem cheesy - but it's better than what I had.  More good.

Half the reason why I wanted to post something however was because of the massacre in Newtown.  Previous to being a father I would have felt terrible about things - but now that these children were killed it really struck me to the core.

When I first heard about it at work I was shocked.  Then on the radio on the way home I heard parents retelling the stories of those who walked in to the fire station to retrieve their children and those who did not come out with them.  Immediately I was able to put myself in their shoes.  Fast forward to my son being a 1st grader...and I could not handle it.

On Sunday night the nation watched a speech by Obama where he referenced a quote by Ellen Cantrow which I also wanted to share here.  For me it defines how I feel about my son - and I'm sure how many parents feel about their kids:  “Making the decision to have a child–it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

We just recently put my son in daycare and of course he's been sick almost as long as he's attended.  Some of the things that we faced over the past few weeks were some of the scariest and trying times I have ever lived through.  But after seeing what happened in Newtown it has definitely put things in to perspective for me.

All of those parent's hearts that aren't walking around anymore...

I've prayed plenty - to keep him safe - to keep him healthy.  I know that I can only do so much to protect and shield him - and I pray that will be enough.