Frustrated, Tired, Scared

I am tired of my “friends”. What happened? I used to have a few sets of friends and now I just have one.

Oh that’s right. I’m not in college anymore.

Oh that’s right. One of my best friends made out with my girlfriend.

Goodbye two sets of friends. Say goodbye to the last one? I can’t. They’re family. What’s wrong with me? Why do I expect everyone to live up to some standard I made up for myself? Only a few people will always adhere to that standard, but when they falter it’s the most frustrating thing ever. I want to give up on this stupid thing, but I can’t. I can’t when I do it for them. Whatever happened to “do unto others as you would like to be done to you”? Does anyone even do that anymore? I don’t want to do it anymore. I love saying, “Fuck everyone else”, and have been saying it a lot lately. I imagine I will be saying it even more in the future. Is this any way to live my life? No. Can I find better people to surround myself with? No. Probably not, this is the best I’m going to get, so I’m going to have to deal with it. Shit.

I tried to put a football team together. I was frustrated. I knew it would only cause more grief and frustration, even if I was able to successfully put together a football team. I ended it before it began. I’m going to play with guys who are putting their money where their mouth is. Instead of having someone else pay up front for them and create the team for them, they’re going to pay up front for themselves and join a team. The only person they’re going to answer to is themselves. Of course it’s not as fun not playing with your “friends”, but it’s also not fun dealing with even 1 person that flakes out. And there’s bound to be that person. Even on the individual basketball teams I’ve played with through this league within 3 games have gelled together, most of us have become friends, and by the end of the season we’re ratting each other out for not making good plays, or even worse, not showing up to games. I know that I can rely on myself though, and that is what counts.

It is just so tough, knowing that I would have to depend on other people to hold up their end of the bargain. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about people when doing this, it is to not trust anyone and to do your best with what you have. I understand, we did it all throughout college, and even I was guilty of it. Delegate a little responsibility here and there, and when people came up short, you had to cover for them…I was the one coming up short in many of those instances. I’m not going to deny it. People get busy, people forget, people just don’t care…this is all the norm and I’ve come to expect it, and it’s going to happen anytime more than 1 person is working on anything, and are not getting paid to do it. This is what has become of us. “If I see no incentive to do something, why do it?” No incentive for me? Well fuck you then. Why should it be important to me? Why should I care?

This is my downfall. This will be all of humanity’s downfall. Sure, completely overblown, but I don’t care. Will there come a point where every single person in this world is only looking out for the well being of themselves and their direct relations? I already see this happen every day to and from work. In fact, I put on this mask everyday when I’m stuck in traffic. If cutting you off means that I get home faster, so be it. But me, I’m just a scared, angry, isolationist punk. But, let’s test you. Let’s say you get home from a long day of work, and someone is sitting on your steps. Just to make it more interesting, let’s say he’s a male, and the type of sorts that you would be scared of, whether it be the bum on the corner of the street with a bottle in hand, or the black guy with baggy clothes that you passed on your way out of Safeway. Whoever it is, put him there, on your steps. Now, give me your immediate reaction. Do you feel like driving away? Turning around? Running possibly? Do you have the GUTS to go up to this guy and ask him what he’s doing on your doorstep? Do you yell from your vehicle, “Hey! Get the fuck off of my property before I call the cops?” How many of you were not scared? How many of you would’ve been willing to just say “Hello” and ask the guy what he was doing there and if he needed any help? Then, continued to open the door to your house/condo/apartment/hole in wall in front of him when he said he would be leaving soon? Or giving you that straight answer? Because, even though I’ve never been placed in this situation, I’m the guy that’s eyeing that scary looking bum on my doorstep, and trying to figure out what to do next. Even when the guy hasn’t even done ANYTHING to me yet. Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent. I don’t trust anyone, and I’m so goddamned scared of everyone else.

That’s it, everyone can hate on me now for speaking what’s true to me. Rambling over.

The Eve of Christmas Eve

Well, here I am. Almost 4:20 and 2 people left in my department including me. Everyone else was excused except for me. I think I am being punished. Ah well. I get paid an extra $37 dollars for being here, and they don’t. But is it worth my time? Meh. Maybe, maybe not. I would rather be at home playing poker. I haven’t played in almost a week. I am experiencing withdrawals. Michelle has the whole freaking holiday off (from yesterday until the 3rd) so good luck to me in trying to fit in some cards between now and then.

And you know what the sickest thing is? The most wrongest thing (I know, it’s not a word, but I had to convey my message by making your mind mess up in trying to read that word) is that there’s a tournament on PokerStars on CHRISTMAS day. $530 buy in. And I want to go try and win a satellite to get in to this damn tournament. Ham, Turkey, Roast, Presents, Christmas Music, Family, Friends, Fiance be damned! I want to go burn my money!

I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts this year. Just like I did last year. I can’t believe I bought two people Ipods. This year, I don’t know what I bought, but somehow it’s already added up to $700. And I’ve still got to buy things for 3 people, or I suppose just give them money. Looks like it’ll end up being around $900 for my Christmas this year. Yuck, goodbye to basically a whole paycheck.

Rave: I checked my 401K balance and over the past 8 months, it’s made $700! WOOHOO! Go money working for me! Go Europe and Asia! Kick some business ass and return all the money to me, not doing anything here. Anyway, what I do here at work is take TECHNOLOGY phone calls. Printer broken? Call me. Adobe not loading properly? Call me. Pop up blocker settings not allowing you to view the web site properly? Call me. In fact, just call me period. Because I’ve been taking so many damn phone calls in my life, I think I’ve taken more phone calls EVER. A typical day I wait anywhere between 10 to 25 minutes in between 5 to 50 minute long calls. Each call is different and interesting, so it’s a lot better than any previous phone job I’ve ever had (I can probably survive this for another 6 years at most, whereas I could only survive those other positions for about 2 years max). It gives you a lot of time to surf the net, read up on things, read books and joke around with your coworkers. Pretty nice. On a day like today though, it is killer. I am on my way to an hour without a call, and that’s been about the norm all day.

THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH WEB SURFING I CAN DO. I become exhausted and bored of looking at things. It is hard to shop online for things too when I don’t really have the money. Sad to say, what I was looking at was a computer desk for my new house, not even something I really want. Ah well. Also, the book I am reading, at times, reads like a text book. Great. I’m back to reading stuff that puts me to sleep. It’s all very basic and rarely makes interesting points. But I’m halfway through, so I’m dying inside to finish this stupid thing. My next book on the line up? “Rich dad poor dad”. Wow, I’ve heard a lot of great things about this book too…guess what? It’s probably going to be another sleeper. Excellent.

I’m wearing the shirt I lost in Vegas (I think). I lost this shirt, and had to buy it again. This shirt doesn’t feel as good as the last one. It’s a bit itchy, but maybe that’s because I didn’t wash it? I’m wearing it with a hoody. So that none of my coworkers tried to be over jovial today with me, I wore my hood most of the time. Some of them made comments about how I looked like a “gangster” or a “thug”. Right, like they ever knew what that looked like.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written, I apologize. I have an hour left to my shift, so let’s see how much time I can waste in writing in this thing.

I just took a big old dump. That wasted 10 minutes. And on that note, I’ll end this, with 45 minutes left to go. So, in all actuality all of this took me 5 minutes to write. I’ll write something more fantastic on another day.

Too Early

Wow, 2 am once again. It is way too early in the morning to be awake.

Too bad I haven't gone to sleep yet.

Just wanted to say, I've got hilarious friends, and a woman that really loves me.

Funny how one night can make your mood change.

Hopefully I'm not bipolar? Maybe I was just having the Sunday night blues.

So Freaking

Bored.

That is all.

I need a new hobby or something.

Some sort of change.

Maybe a change of mentality.

All the money in the world and nothing to spend it on.

The perfect life, but not grateful for it.

The only thing that got my heart rate going tonight was sliding on black ice...going down a hill at 40 MPH and almost right in to an SUV. Luckily he swerved. I didn't cross over that far though.

That's the first time I've felt excitement in about 2 weeks.

Short Sunday night post.

"If you're bored, you're boring"

It's the "Holiday Season"

I’m going to write whatever I want to. And writing like this is easier than by hand I’ve found. Definitely, it’s less personal, but at least your wrist doesn’t hurt after writing 3 pages.

The holes in my hair suck. I want to bic my head just so I can get rid of them. I wonder what people think of it. Usually I don’t care. But, it is weird. And it takes explaining. I was listening to NPR the other day on the way home and they were talking about the woman in France who had her face transplanted after her dog had attacked her late one night and basically destroyed her face. She was taking (just like all transplant patients) anti-rejection medication so that her body doesn’t fight her newly grafted face. The way it works is it prevents white blood cells (the good ones that I have too many of) from attacking the new skin/muscle etc. That way, the body accepts the foreign object(s) and you can live with that new metal hip in your side, or in this case a new nose, cheeks, lips and forehead. Anyway, I was thinking, hey! Maybe if I took that medication my cells would stop killing off my hair and focusing on better things. Who knows? I suppose it is worth a shot.

I freaked out about Christmas shopping (YES CHRISTMAS) a few days ago, concurrently going through a rough patch in poker. After a month long $1000 up-tick I quickly lost $400 in 2 days. I said fuck it and took the whole roll out. I’ll try again after Christmas. I’ve got presents for half the people I need to buy them for…Christmas is freaking expensive. Oh, and all you mother fucking bitches that complain and whine about being politically correct, STFU. Really, no one cares. Great, we’re offending 4% of the United States population that DOESN’T celebrate Christmas. Did they ever complain before? Not really, maybe a quiet “Sorry, I don’t celebrate Christmas”. But, of course the “non-celebrators” (truly, unhappy people with nothing better to do) had to stand up for people that I’m pretty sure didn’t need or want any standing up for. Go fuck yourselves. Life really must be horrible for all of you. They’ve even started coalitions for both sides *rolls eyes* And I prolong this ugly circle by complaining about it myself. So, I’m stopping.

Quick survey (I guess for people reading). If you had the chance to purchase time, I suppose at a rate that was negotiable, would you? What would your hourly rate be? Would you do things differently if you knew you could purchase time? And by purchasing time this could mean plenty of things…prolonging your life, prolonging a certain day, or event that you were involved in. My now fiancé and I have a saying of “we’ve got more time than money”. But, if you had enough money, would you purchase time? I guess it all depends on your situation.

Bellagio is holding the World Poker Tour championship in April. The large tournament is a $25,000 buy in. I’m wondering if I can get in through a satellite online. That would be pretty insane if it was possible.

It is hard shopping for parents. It is hard shopping for me. The only things I want you’ll need a loan for. I think that also goes for most parents. Like Lucy on the Charlie Brown Christmas special last night, “My parents get me all these clothes and toys and stuff…but what I really want is some Real Estate!” I used to love the Charlie Brown Christmas. Now that I watch as an older person, I can see that Schulz was trying to get across the over commercialization of it all…the play that had nothing to do with Christmas, Snoopy wins the Christmas light contest, people complaining about toys they’ve received…ok, boring I know, sorry.

Thank God tomorrow is Thursday.

That’s all for tonight. I’ve seriously had a lack of things to write about.