Happiness Defined

Reading over my past few posts – I’ve noticed I’ve been in a bit of a rut, they’ve been pretty boring, and depressing at times.

I wanted to write this earlier, but I was on vacation. A much needed vacation. I hadn’t taken one day off (other than normal company holidays) since the honeymoon.

The trip was to DC and NYC. Leaving on a midnight flight from Seatac to JFK, and then connecting.

I was going to see my best friends. My family. My home. Home is where we are, and when we are together everything is the way it should be.

After spending a few amazing days seeing the sights and partying in DC, we left on the 5 hour bus ride for NYC.

The bus ride was great. Most comfortable I felt traveling anywhere in a long time. The bus wasn’t sold out which gave me the ability to place my luggage on the seat next to me. Had my head phones on, Cramer’s “Real Money” book, and was falling in and out of consciousness while I caught up on some much needed rest. The 5 hours flew by. Brand new green leaves were flying by too. Traffic was nonexistent. The curves were gentle. The sun was out, but not shining in my eyes at all.

Coming out of sleep, I realized how close we were to the city. Suddenly I could see the Statue of Liberty. And then it hit.

Jamie Cullum. Song after song. “All at sea”, “High and Dry” and “Frontin’”. You know those points where the perfect song comes on and just fits your mood? I don’t really care if the lyrics fit much – but the feeling was there. We drove by and in to the city.

“All at Sea” fits perfectly because of all the water I could see surrounding the Statue of liberty. All the water that we drove by when getting to the port authority. Everyone rollerblading, biking and running, the sun shimmering off their skin like it did off the surface of the water.

“High and Dry” fits so well because of one line: “It’s the best day you have - ever had”. And if you’ve never heard this song, please get it as soon as possible. It’s almost as if nothing can go wrong in life when you’re listening to this song. We passed a dog park and a soccer game out of nowhere. More people enjoying life and enjoying the sun.

“Frontin’” sounds like the city to me. So busy. So much life. Energy. That was what you feel when you visit NYC. Is this abundance of energy everywhere you went. Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was because I was surrounded by people. Maybe it was because I was among my best friends.

Maybe it was because for a moment in time, I was able to let this feeling wash over me – just let go of anything that was weighing me down – and define it as “happiness”.

That was one hell of a vacation.

Sunday Night Blues – melancholy

You know, you build and build and build at something for so long – and then when you get there, sometimes it’s kind of just anticlimactic. For the past few months, I’ve been working hard to get in shape, and to pass the A+ test.

Well, I’ve done both, but gone halfway. Ideally I wanted to lose 10 pounds. I lost 5. I wanted to pass the A+ test which is made up of the hardware exam and the operating system exam. I passed hardware.

I wanted to prove to myself that I could be dedicated for long enough that I could it harder and better (that’s what she said) than those before me. My coworker took a year to study and barely passed. I kind of laughed at him because I figured I was more dedicated than him and could focus and study harder than he did and then pass. I was literally 1 or 2 questions away from passing. 30 points on a 900 point test. And that’s what stings. He took a year – I took 2 months and 12 days.

And the silly thing is? I’ve got all the time in the world to do this. Why I pushed myself so hard over the past few months to accomplish these goals, I’m not sure. The long term is the very long term. And the test (these specific tests) will be waiting for me whenever I want to take them. There was no need to rush. It was that stupid competitive side coming out again. Competing with no one but myself – my will power.

And look at me now. Today was my first day “off”. I figure I’ll let myself rest a bit because it started to catch up to me. I was “burning the candle at both ends”. And by that last week – this past week – I couldn’t handle it. I literally gave up on 1) Working out and 2) Studying. I think maybe I just made that “final push” 1 week too early? Or maybe all that pushing ended up knocking me over steps from the finish line?

Regardless – with hours of time available to me today and nothing to do – I felt uncomfortable. After a few “hard core” months of working at a few things – I didn’t know what to do with myself. Suddenly the urge to study or work out – or that cloud that has hung over my head the past few months – wasn’t there anymore. And the weird thing was – I felt awkward as myself, which is just hard to explain.

I kept saying, “Oh man, I can’t wait until I’m done with this test. I’m just going to sit back, relax, don’t worry about a thing”. Maybe it’s too early now to feel that way? Maybe it’s like that first week of summer all over again – you know that week or couple of weeks you take right at the beginning of summer to get used to the notion that all the time in the world is yours – you don’t have to go back to school on Monday. That first weekend – you realize that on Monday you don’t have to go back. You don’t have any homework or projects that are going to be graded. And for me, it always took a couple Mondays – and finally around July 4^th is when I used to get in to the “summer groove”.

Finally, I realized that I could just “hang” and watch the days fly by doing whatever I wanted to until Labor Day rolled around again and it was time to head back to school. I wanted so badly to relax today. The best I got was a 20 minute nap. I sat down at my computer and just stared blankly at the web. I did it twice today. Only two days ago, I would’ve done things with a purpose. Check email for 5 minutes. Done with email? On to studying.

But today was – check email for 10 minutes. Stare blankly at the screen. Go shopping online – with no intention to buy. Look out the window at the pond. Gloomy day out. Wish it would rain. Glad I mowed the lawn yesterday. 45 minutes until we have to go to dinner. I wish I had gone to the gym. But I’m too lazy to shower again. And then by the time I’m out of the shower we’re going to be leaving again anyway. *sigh*

Maybe it was too much for me to handle recently? The load was too great? Now I’m burnt? I was getting shit done though. That’s what was great about it. It’s like there’s a point where I’ve got enough things on my plate that I can barely control what’s going on – at that point is where I apply the most effort. Every hour of every day is spent thinking about what needs to be accomplished. Plans for free time are made well in advance. Because if there’s only one smaller goal I’m trying to accomplish – it’ll forever get put on the back burner. I’ll get around to it when I feel like it. No sense in even wasting time thinking about it now…

The cursor is just blinking at me. I can’t even think of anything else to write.

I’ll pass the operating system portion of the test in a month. I just need to focus on that section – and it’ll be over and done with in no time. But it’s just crazy – all this work – all of what will be 3+ months so I can add something to my resume? What is 4 years of college? 2 lines on my resume? No – it was more than that – mainly it was the memories. But for this test? It was an hour reading every night before bed. It was those hours that I devoted to studying those weekends.

That was all kinds of hell – but now that I’m without it – now that I should be resting and enjoying life and thinking everything is ok – I’m not. In some sick, twisted way – I miss the pressure. I wonder if there is terminology for this state of mind. I’d almost go as far to say that it is cathartic – I put myself through these things to push myself – to test how far or how strong my will is.

This is getting kind of out of hand? I ask that question because I’m not sure. I’m not even sure why it’s the Sunday Night Blues as the title. Because I think I’ll change it to melancholy. That’s what I’m looking for.

I almost expected to be sitting here like this, a month ago – feeling this way. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

Being OK with Being OK

On the way to dinner last night, listening to talk radio, we heard the results of a happiness study done over 30 years. I’m just going to go and post the excerpt here (even though it’s from a Canadian website and strangely enough I trust it less than an American website – Sorry Canada).

“For instance, in the developed world, once all of life's most basic needs are satisfied, is there any sense in chasing ever greater prosperity? The modern-day stoics say no, and they marshall their own evidence. In particular, skeptics point to a groundbreaking 30-year-old study by economist Richard Easterlin, showing that between the 1950s and 1970s, Japan's national income increased by 10 times, and yet average happiness (measured through extensive polling) didn't budge. The story is the same in the United States where, in 1993, a professor of psychology named David G. Myers reported that the percentage of people who say they are "very happy" remained unchanged at about 30 per cent between 1960 and 1990, even as inflation-adjusted, after-tax incomes more than doubled.”

http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.com/index.cfm?PgNm=TCE&Params=M1ARTM0012910

Really, read the whole thing. That’s just a snippet.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own personal goals for wealth and riches beyond my wildest dreams. If I had it, would I be any happier? I’m just going to leave the answer open ended here because I can’t answer it for you yet. Well, actually, I’m now making about three times as much as I did even 3 years ago, and I can tell you, my mood really hasn’t changed. I would report the same level of happiness as I did back then. In fact, I might even say I was more happy back then (since the past is a happier place sometimes) but it’s mainly because I was only working part time while going to school.

But this was really interesting to me though. To have more, to have it all, is it really the answer for me? Obviously having more doesn’t change how we all feel. I’ve been thinking a lot since I heard about this study on the radio last night…and I guess it was just a “mini-epiphany”: I can’t be happy all the time. I shouldn’t strive to be happy all the time. Everything we do, everything we’ve changed over the past 30 years, what we can point to as our definition of “happy” when we look around us – maybe it’s all a sham?

I’ve always thought that a person cannot be happy 100% of the time. Even over 70% of the time is going a little bit overboard in my opinion. For awhile, my thought on how I felt was that for every pain point, for every low in my life, it made the highs that much sweeter. For all the struggle and stress I push through, the end result gets that much better for every painstaking minute I put in to a goal that I accomplish. And to avoid that pain – to avoid all the hard work and persistence would be to undercut that glorious feeling at the end.

CROX, one of the symbols I was currently invested in popped for 36% over a month. It’s the fastest I’ve ever had an investment work out for me, but I’ve only been seriously investing for over a year. Sure, it wasn’t worth millions of dollars, it wasn’t even worth thousands. But the satisfaction of doing the research and making the right pick at the right time wouldn’t be the same if I had started with a ridiculous amount of wealth. What I’m getting at is the struggle. To start small and build. Would I be happy if I was given millions of dollars to play with? Absolutely. I’d be insane not to. But I’d get bored (maybe). It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be my hard earned money that I received for being there every day, 6:30 am to 3 pm, Monday through Friday.

I’m starting to ramble now. The main point for me is in the title. I need to learn how to just be OK with feeling “fine”. Or even a little bit down or up. I shouldn’t expect every day to be the best day ever. They couldn’t be. Because how could I decipher between which day actually was the best day ever? It all sounds a bit tiring. I want to stop myself from trying to force that “happiness” feeling. It’ll come like it always has, albeit I’m sure at different times and from different activities.

So having everything I need, I’ll be OK. And seriously, it will be OK. For me this is a kind of “acceptance” to feeling anyway about anything. From extreme sadness to jumping joy, they’re all normal, and needed.