I almost wrote, "Weekend Ruined".
And as I was about to write that I did a quick replay of the weekend and it was actually pretty good. I've had worse.
On Friday afternoon I thought I was cruising in to the weekend. A few hours left to go, the sun was shining, nothing planned and hours of free time ahead of me.
And as I was sitting there, my ear started to hurt. Ah darnit I thought to myself as I figured it was another one of my ear infections coming on. I tend to have ear infections about 2 or 3 times a year. They show up, they annoy me, they're gone in 3 days. During that time my ear is stuffed up, I don't hear very well out of it, and I feel a little bit imbalanced. I just shrugged my shoulders and figured I'd have to suck it up through another infection.
But this one was different. The pain kept getting worse. And worse. And bad enough to the point that I was cringing and suddenly my last hour of work was the most painful hour of work I have ever worked before. Why? Because I have never been in pain at work. If I'm in pain it's usually a dull pain or I've called in sick.
What the hell was happening to me? It felt like my ear just had to pop. I don't think many people go through what I do while flying, but the pressure change really does a number on my ears. During the descent the pressure begins to build in my ears. It gets so bad that the only way I can describe is this: Imagine first of all being under water. You can't hear very well under water. Everything is muted. Add on top of that having someone take a very long pin...or a needle and digging it down in to your ear. But not just pressing horizontally in to your ear. Going in to your ear, then making an upside down "L" shape and moving downwards to your throat. Spinning it around like they were trying to make you bleed faster than you already were.
That is why I hate to fly.
This is what was happening to me on Friday afternoon. And I figured - oh, this will go away. It's been almost 2 hours now. It should go away soon.
The wife came home and it wasn't gone yet. And the pain was getting worse. My ear was popping and clicking like crazy. And now after the pops it sounded like someone was pouring water out of my ear. Or maybe water in. Either way it sounded like someone had put a conch up to my left ear.
Finally work was over and I went to lay down in bed. Bad idea. The clicking and popping in my ear was non-stop. And it wasn't like there was any sort of rhythm to it. I screamed out because I was so angry at the pain which had gotten worse (even though I thought it wasn't possible) and the annoying sound in my head that I had no control over.
The wife suggested we go see someone. I agreed. She called around. Next opening for a general doctor was Saturday morning. My ear, nose and throat doctor's next opening was February 9th. Great.
At almost 5 pm the pain was now excruciating and we decided I had to see someone now. The wife drove me to the Urgent Care facility in Woodinville. You get seen about as quickly as you would in the ER (believe me I've been to both a few times - I guess not with serious enough problems) and I laid my head on the wife's shoulder for an hour and moaned. Along with the popping in my ears came a new annoyance. I could feel liquid seeping out of my ear. Awesome, a brand new experience for me.
I finally was seen by the one doctor working who gave me about as much help as WebMD did before I left for Urgent Care.
"Looks like you've got a ruptured eardrum." She prescribed amoxycillan to help avoid infection and recommended I take ibuprofen for the pain. We left the office at 6:30 annoyed, but luckily the pain had gone from about as high as an 8 on a 10 scale down to a manageable 5 then 4. Add in a couple advil with dinner and I was fine that night.
The rest of the weekend has just been a bit challenging. About every few minutes I have to dab at my ear because otherwise yellow liquid will drip down my cheek. I sleep on a t-shirt so I don't get discharge all over my pillow sheet. A few of the times I reached up with a kleenex I came down with what I would call "presents". That's about as much as I'll say about that.
My hearing on my left side has gone down to about 10%. Which has been interesting. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. I stare at the TV blankly and miss half of what's being said. I ask for clarification from the wife on what she says everytime when she talks to my "bad side". I freak myself out by covering my "good ear" and seeing how much I can hear. Almost nothing. Like the teacher calling on Charlie Brown...muted noise.
I can't let any water in without the tymphanic membrane to protect my middle and inner ear. So without ear plugs I shower to one side and try my best to get the other side of my body washed without getting my ear wet.
It still hurts a bit and the popping comes and goes. I've read that this can take a few days to a few months to fully heal. Great. I've also read that if it doesn't heal that I've got to go in for surgery to fix it and that I may never regain my hearing ability. Perfect.
Why do all the weird physical ailments have to happen to me? At the least I'll never be digging around in my ear with those Q-tips again.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
First Rando Post 2009
It's been awhile since I've done one of these.
And I actually just turned off the TV so I could concentrate.
Weird.
I usually can have the TV on in the background while I write these. Because I just leave the TV on for the background noise, and am not a huge fan of just listening to myself type.
It's almost as if I'm going to have a hard time writing a rando notes post because all of my recent posts have had a subject, theme or some sort of point. And I don't know if I'm random enough (right now) to make this worth my time. Ah well, I'm not that great of a writer anyway, and even the best had their terrible moments.
-I'll denote my change of thinking pattern/subject by the "-".
-I was at the gym today lifting and I'm not a huge fan of the gym layout. This is because of their lack of space and also because of their inexpensive monthly fee. The wife and I are now part of a gym membership where we pay $21 a month for both of us. And last month we were paying a whopping $37. So given how cheap the memberships are and throwing in the current economic climate along with soon-to-fail new year's resolutions, you have a bit of crowding in a gym that's already too small. So when you're on the machines you have someone that is about 4 feet in front of you, facing you, sweating, breathing hard and trying not to look at you too. I am constantly trying my best not to look at anybody. For about 30 minutes to an hour at least twice a week since I've been home I go to a place where I try to keep fit but stare at the floor. The more I write about this the more terrible going to the gym sounds. I better stop.
-Since I was a kid I was always embarrassed by how big my feet were. Everyone in my family (and friends) would make fun of my feet. Until the age of 14 my feet grew with my age (we started recognizing this when I was about 9 years old). To this day people still think I have big feet (I'm really not sure why, I'm kind of tall) but maybe it's easier to point out someones big feet than the big mole they have on their nose. Or the rolls in their neck. Who knows. So, since I was younger anytime I'd have my feet out I'd curl my toes in to basically what would make fists of my feet. At first it hurt to curl all of my toes under. But after doing it for so many years I just automatically do it now when I'm sitting down and my feet are exposed. It's comfortable for me. I also (somehow) think it keeps my toes warm too. I've never noticed anyone else curling their toes under when they sit down.
-For some reason I want a pair of light brown corduroys. And anytime I find a pair that I wear, it's not what I'm looking for. Is this what it's like to be a woman in regards to clothes? You can never find exactly what you want so you just end up settling for stuff that your return a month and a half later but end up fighting over the price of the return because suddenly the item you bought is now going for 30% less than it was when you bought it and instead of giving you the full refund the only way you could get the full refund is if you were given store credit but *ack* you don't even want to spend the time in the store now to go and find something to use your store credit with and struggle with whether or not it's worth it just to take the discounted price and have it credited to your card. Can't someone just think of what a guy who wants to wear a pair of corduroys wants to wear? No, I don't want tapered bottoms. No, I don't want FREAKING PLEATS. Omg I can't believe someone would wear corduroys with pleats on them. Not that I'm a fashion king or anything but if you ever caught me in corduroys in pleats please consider it a joke and not something I'm wearing seriously. And I want small cords. Not the big ones. Thanks.
-Losing weight is about math. I don't know if I posted this before or not. But it would seem to me that losing weight is easy enough if you stick to your math. Eat less calories, burn more calories = losing weight. That is what I am doing right now over the past few weeks. I am enjoying the working out as my last basketball game I had I was able to run full speed the entire game and at the end of it I was ready for another one. The eating part is tough though, going to sleep hungry is challenging for me. Hearing my stomach whine throughout the day is annoying. I want to punch it. So far, so good though. No noticeable change in body definition though (or so I think).
-Somewhere along the line over the past few years I learned how to tilt my head from side to side and crack my neck. And somehow, this feels good. Like cracking anything else, joints, knuckles, my back, all feels like some sort of tension has been released. But then I've read/heard about the guys who have tried really hard to crack their neck that one fateful time and have ended up killing themselves. Last night my neck would not crack at all. And I was laying there in bed thinking, if I could just twist my head a little bit harder and how freaky it would be to die right now, right before going to bed just because I was trying to crack my neck. It would be like my death would have been so pointless. If I'm going to die this early I at least want there to be some point to it.
-Teaching my dad to text has been one of the best things ever. I don't keep in contact with the parents as well as other people keep in contact with theirs. But that's just because we live near each other and try to see each other at least once a week. That is more than other people out there. But now I can text my dad random things instead of having to get a call from my parents once a week asking how things are and basically checking in on me. I just find it so odd that now I would rather text someone than hear their voice. Maybe it's the "hello" and "goodbye" that I like not having to use? Or maybe the listening? With a text I can just tell someone something and be done with it. I definitely will still call in a situation that's more emergent though. Wow, I'm impressed that "emergent" is a word.
-Two quotes I wanted to include on here: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." And, "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you've got." I just wanted to include those in here because they ring very true right now. If I can look at things in a different perspective maybe things are actually great. Perception is reality.
-When I was 13 I thought 18 was old. When I was 17 I thought 22 was geriatric. When I was 23 I thought that 28 was ancient. I am at a point now where I am realizing that people who are younger than me are thinking the same of me. Soon I'll be to a point where people look at me and say, "He is old". I honestly don't know how old people do it. I look at people that are just bags of bodies now, hairstyles from decades past or those with health issues walking around with their oxygen tanks. It scares the crap out of me knowing that might be me some day. If there's one thing I don't ever want to be it is old. But I know I'm old to some people. Over the past couple of weekends I've been breaking in to the Alma Mater to play basketball with "kids" that would consider me "ancient". 18 through 22 year old college kids who think they're hot shit and who may possibly know that they're bodies are at or near their prime. And I am keeping up if not doing well. I didn't recognize it until tonight but for me to be able to run with someone that is almost 10 years younger than me (sad to admit) is pretty amazing. They should be outrunning, outworking, outhustling me at every bounce of the ball. But they're not. So maybe I'm not as old as I actually thought I was as my younger self. Maybe when I start to slow down and admit to myself I can't keep up is when I'll hit that age wall. Not any time soon though hopefully.
-Obama is like Steve Sarkisian, the new coach of the UW football team. UW football as previously mentioned had the worst record ever in Pac-10 history last season. Therefore if "The Sark" even gets 2 wins this season (I'm guessing 4 myself) he'll be seen as a savior. Dear BO - you couldn't have had an easier act to follow. You probably won't live up to all the hype you came in with, but returning the country to a bit of normalcy (barf, hate that word) will be credited to you over the next 4 years.
Holler.
And I actually just turned off the TV so I could concentrate.
Weird.
I usually can have the TV on in the background while I write these. Because I just leave the TV on for the background noise, and am not a huge fan of just listening to myself type.
It's almost as if I'm going to have a hard time writing a rando notes post because all of my recent posts have had a subject, theme or some sort of point. And I don't know if I'm random enough (right now) to make this worth my time. Ah well, I'm not that great of a writer anyway, and even the best had their terrible moments.
-I'll denote my change of thinking pattern/subject by the "-".
-I was at the gym today lifting and I'm not a huge fan of the gym layout. This is because of their lack of space and also because of their inexpensive monthly fee. The wife and I are now part of a gym membership where we pay $21 a month for both of us. And last month we were paying a whopping $37. So given how cheap the memberships are and throwing in the current economic climate along with soon-to-fail new year's resolutions, you have a bit of crowding in a gym that's already too small. So when you're on the machines you have someone that is about 4 feet in front of you, facing you, sweating, breathing hard and trying not to look at you too. I am constantly trying my best not to look at anybody. For about 30 minutes to an hour at least twice a week since I've been home I go to a place where I try to keep fit but stare at the floor. The more I write about this the more terrible going to the gym sounds. I better stop.
-Since I was a kid I was always embarrassed by how big my feet were. Everyone in my family (and friends) would make fun of my feet. Until the age of 14 my feet grew with my age (we started recognizing this when I was about 9 years old). To this day people still think I have big feet (I'm really not sure why, I'm kind of tall) but maybe it's easier to point out someones big feet than the big mole they have on their nose. Or the rolls in their neck. Who knows. So, since I was younger anytime I'd have my feet out I'd curl my toes in to basically what would make fists of my feet. At first it hurt to curl all of my toes under. But after doing it for so many years I just automatically do it now when I'm sitting down and my feet are exposed. It's comfortable for me. I also (somehow) think it keeps my toes warm too. I've never noticed anyone else curling their toes under when they sit down.
-For some reason I want a pair of light brown corduroys. And anytime I find a pair that I wear, it's not what I'm looking for. Is this what it's like to be a woman in regards to clothes? You can never find exactly what you want so you just end up settling for stuff that your return a month and a half later but end up fighting over the price of the return because suddenly the item you bought is now going for 30% less than it was when you bought it and instead of giving you the full refund the only way you could get the full refund is if you were given store credit but *ack* you don't even want to spend the time in the store now to go and find something to use your store credit with and struggle with whether or not it's worth it just to take the discounted price and have it credited to your card. Can't someone just think of what a guy who wants to wear a pair of corduroys wants to wear? No, I don't want tapered bottoms. No, I don't want FREAKING PLEATS. Omg I can't believe someone would wear corduroys with pleats on them. Not that I'm a fashion king or anything but if you ever caught me in corduroys in pleats please consider it a joke and not something I'm wearing seriously. And I want small cords. Not the big ones. Thanks.
-Losing weight is about math. I don't know if I posted this before or not. But it would seem to me that losing weight is easy enough if you stick to your math. Eat less calories, burn more calories = losing weight. That is what I am doing right now over the past few weeks. I am enjoying the working out as my last basketball game I had I was able to run full speed the entire game and at the end of it I was ready for another one. The eating part is tough though, going to sleep hungry is challenging for me. Hearing my stomach whine throughout the day is annoying. I want to punch it. So far, so good though. No noticeable change in body definition though (or so I think).
-Somewhere along the line over the past few years I learned how to tilt my head from side to side and crack my neck. And somehow, this feels good. Like cracking anything else, joints, knuckles, my back, all feels like some sort of tension has been released. But then I've read/heard about the guys who have tried really hard to crack their neck that one fateful time and have ended up killing themselves. Last night my neck would not crack at all. And I was laying there in bed thinking, if I could just twist my head a little bit harder and how freaky it would be to die right now, right before going to bed just because I was trying to crack my neck. It would be like my death would have been so pointless. If I'm going to die this early I at least want there to be some point to it.
-Teaching my dad to text has been one of the best things ever. I don't keep in contact with the parents as well as other people keep in contact with theirs. But that's just because we live near each other and try to see each other at least once a week. That is more than other people out there. But now I can text my dad random things instead of having to get a call from my parents once a week asking how things are and basically checking in on me. I just find it so odd that now I would rather text someone than hear their voice. Maybe it's the "hello" and "goodbye" that I like not having to use? Or maybe the listening? With a text I can just tell someone something and be done with it. I definitely will still call in a situation that's more emergent though. Wow, I'm impressed that "emergent" is a word.
-Two quotes I wanted to include on here: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." And, "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you've got." I just wanted to include those in here because they ring very true right now. If I can look at things in a different perspective maybe things are actually great. Perception is reality.
-When I was 13 I thought 18 was old. When I was 17 I thought 22 was geriatric. When I was 23 I thought that 28 was ancient. I am at a point now where I am realizing that people who are younger than me are thinking the same of me. Soon I'll be to a point where people look at me and say, "He is old". I honestly don't know how old people do it. I look at people that are just bags of bodies now, hairstyles from decades past or those with health issues walking around with their oxygen tanks. It scares the crap out of me knowing that might be me some day. If there's one thing I don't ever want to be it is old. But I know I'm old to some people. Over the past couple of weekends I've been breaking in to the Alma Mater to play basketball with "kids" that would consider me "ancient". 18 through 22 year old college kids who think they're hot shit and who may possibly know that they're bodies are at or near their prime. And I am keeping up if not doing well. I didn't recognize it until tonight but for me to be able to run with someone that is almost 10 years younger than me (sad to admit) is pretty amazing. They should be outrunning, outworking, outhustling me at every bounce of the ball. But they're not. So maybe I'm not as old as I actually thought I was as my younger self. Maybe when I start to slow down and admit to myself I can't keep up is when I'll hit that age wall. Not any time soon though hopefully.
-Obama is like Steve Sarkisian, the new coach of the UW football team. UW football as previously mentioned had the worst record ever in Pac-10 history last season. Therefore if "The Sark" even gets 2 wins this season (I'm guessing 4 myself) he'll be seen as a savior. Dear BO - you couldn't have had an easier act to follow. You probably won't live up to all the hype you came in with, but returning the country to a bit of normalcy (barf, hate that word) will be credited to you over the next 4 years.
Holler.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The LM Buyout
I was worried.
But things have turned out almost better than planned.
I thought - Oh no, here comes the big company that's going to come in slash and burn and work us to the bone. Am I going to lose my job? Are we all going to?
But here I sit, almost 15 days in to the buyout and I feel like I've got job security. And on top of that, it seems like things are better under Liberty Mutual than they were previously.
The sad thing was, literally a week before the buyout I was looking at our stock and saying, "You know, it's getting awfully cheap - like down to levels it hadn't seen for years". I almost pulled the trigger on picking up just 100 shares...and come to find out by the end of the week the announcement had been made. So here I sit, working for a company that is now a division of another company.
Pros
-I switch from a vacation system where I had basically 4 weeks of vacation and 2 weeks of sick time to one with "Flexible Time Off". This means that instead of distinguishing between "sick" and "vacation" I pull it from all one bank. Under the Safeco plan I got up to 19 days of vacation and 10 days of sick time. Under LM I've got 29 days of whenever time. Remind me to check how many days I can roll over to next year because I think I'm going to only need at most 19 of those...
-Tuition reimbursement has more than doubled. I believe the Safeco rate was at $2500 - which definitely would've been alright...if I was planning on going to undergrad for a quarter. LM's upped the ante to $6000. Still not full tuition reimbursement but I'll take whatever I can get.
-Merit based pay structure. My manager just informed me last week that LM is built more on a structure of pay for performance. This is different because although no one would ever admit it, Safeco was a good old company which paid for years of service and seniority, although those that may have been with the company for 10, 15 or even 25 years longer than I have might have been just an unproductive dinosaur waiting for that golden handshake. I'm interested to see my next few yearly reviews to say the least.
-Investments! Yes. Insurance and investments. I feel like this is my calling. I want to handle OPM (Other People's Money). I want to be responsible for making them (and in turn myself) money. Safeco had a Life Insurance and Investment side which it sold years ago to a company called Symmetra. Now I'm back in a company that has those opportunities, albeit in Boston. Regardless I went from a company without a visible ladder for me to climb to one where I could possibly enjoy the ascent.
-Private company. This means we don't answer to the street. We make our own decisions and don't base them off of what our shareholders and board wants of us. Being now in the top 5 insurance companies basically puts us in a position where it would be hard to even buy us out.
Cons
-I can't really think of any. The only one I could possibly complain about is that with my FTO we move to a system where we accrue the time. So by the end of the year I'll have my 29 days off. They gave us 5 to start and I've already accrued another day at this point so I've got enough time just in case I come down with some nasty virus.
-They aren't headquartered locally. This means if I were to become anything starting with a "C"...CEO, CFO, COO, CIO I'd probably have to become a Red Sox fan. Ugh.
-We're still in the very early stages of the "transition". Ask me my opinion next year and I'll let you know if anything's changed.
Summary
Things are looking up. While everyone else is cutting back I seem to be fine company wise. Here's hoping it stays that way.
But things have turned out almost better than planned.
I thought - Oh no, here comes the big company that's going to come in slash and burn and work us to the bone. Am I going to lose my job? Are we all going to?
But here I sit, almost 15 days in to the buyout and I feel like I've got job security. And on top of that, it seems like things are better under Liberty Mutual than they were previously.
The sad thing was, literally a week before the buyout I was looking at our stock and saying, "You know, it's getting awfully cheap - like down to levels it hadn't seen for years". I almost pulled the trigger on picking up just 100 shares...and come to find out by the end of the week the announcement had been made. So here I sit, working for a company that is now a division of another company.
Pros
-I switch from a vacation system where I had basically 4 weeks of vacation and 2 weeks of sick time to one with "Flexible Time Off". This means that instead of distinguishing between "sick" and "vacation" I pull it from all one bank. Under the Safeco plan I got up to 19 days of vacation and 10 days of sick time. Under LM I've got 29 days of whenever time. Remind me to check how many days I can roll over to next year because I think I'm going to only need at most 19 of those...
-Tuition reimbursement has more than doubled. I believe the Safeco rate was at $2500 - which definitely would've been alright...if I was planning on going to undergrad for a quarter. LM's upped the ante to $6000. Still not full tuition reimbursement but I'll take whatever I can get.
-Merit based pay structure. My manager just informed me last week that LM is built more on a structure of pay for performance. This is different because although no one would ever admit it, Safeco was a good old company which paid for years of service and seniority, although those that may have been with the company for 10, 15 or even 25 years longer than I have might have been just an unproductive dinosaur waiting for that golden handshake. I'm interested to see my next few yearly reviews to say the least.
-Investments! Yes. Insurance and investments. I feel like this is my calling. I want to handle OPM (Other People's Money). I want to be responsible for making them (and in turn myself) money. Safeco had a Life Insurance and Investment side which it sold years ago to a company called Symmetra. Now I'm back in a company that has those opportunities, albeit in Boston. Regardless I went from a company without a visible ladder for me to climb to one where I could possibly enjoy the ascent.
-Private company. This means we don't answer to the street. We make our own decisions and don't base them off of what our shareholders and board wants of us. Being now in the top 5 insurance companies basically puts us in a position where it would be hard to even buy us out.
Cons
-I can't really think of any. The only one I could possibly complain about is that with my FTO we move to a system where we accrue the time. So by the end of the year I'll have my 29 days off. They gave us 5 to start and I've already accrued another day at this point so I've got enough time just in case I come down with some nasty virus.
-They aren't headquartered locally. This means if I were to become anything starting with a "C"...CEO, CFO, COO, CIO I'd probably have to become a Red Sox fan. Ugh.
-We're still in the very early stages of the "transition". Ask me my opinion next year and I'll let you know if anything's changed.
Summary
Things are looking up. While everyone else is cutting back I seem to be fine company wise. Here's hoping it stays that way.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Sooner Or Later
It all comes crashing down...
Comes crashing down...
I think it's finally got to me. Somewhere along the way the negative self-body image crept in and I don't think it's leaving the train station any time soon.
I remember at one point during college that I just wanted to let go, to see what would happen.
I had lost a bet to a friend and had to grow my hair out the entire summer. Longer than it has ever been and probably will ever be. I felt so gross that I wanted to just spiral out of control. I didn't shower for more than a week. I ate as terribly as I could, drinking beer with meals and enough food for 2 meals in 1 consisting of grease infested fried cheese. Not really, but I think I get the point across.
All throughout college I was a pretty steady 190 to 200 lbs. Everyone pretty much has their routine down, so most of us fluctuate in a given range. My body felt comfortable at that weight (and continues to). I don't have to work to stay at that weight, and it actually takes work to put on more or lose any.
I believe the highest I ever got during my "give up" phase was around 220. I had packed them on, but the only place I had noticed was in the "definition" (if I could call it that) I had lost.
It took 3 months of getting back to an active lifestyle and eating normally to get rid of it all. I did it living my normal life though, doing the things I wanted to and eating what I wanted to.
Which, to this day is still the case.
So what happened? This is the question I sit here asking myself while eating a 90 calorie Choclately Drizzle Special K bar and washing it down with tap water. I don't know what happened. I've watched all the celeb shows, heard everyone complain about weight gain, read along with the articles in the wife's Shape magazines - all over the past few years. It never affected me in the slightest. And all of a sudden now I start to feel bad about how my body looks? Out of nowhere?
What the eff is wrong with me? This is the reason why I wanted to write this post. To question my feeling sorry for myself. To question the negativity. Never before in my life have I said *seriously* "I'm so effing fat", "I feel like a fatass", "I'm out of shape", "I need to work out", "I need to lose 15 pounds". Never. Except for this past holiday season.
I have been in good shape all of my life, and my mentality on my body image was something I prided myself on. While others hated on themselves (while they looked good, if not great) I sat there and laughed as they failed at diets, failed at workout routines, and overall just felt bad about themselves for no reason whatsoever. And I've always thought it was because of their own negative self-images.
Well, I've now for some reason joined the ranks. Sooner or later that wall I had put up around my body image was going to come crashing down.
I weighed myself tonight. A whopping 203 pounds. I would normally be fine with this. "Seth, you just had a little too much this holiday season. No biggie." But not this year. I never had to fight this feeling before - this feeling of wanting to cut calories. The feeling of wanting to work out an hour or more a day. The craving of soreness in my body after running lines all night at the gym.
You know why? Because I always plateued. As much as I was driven to be the sleek muscular guy, I always got to a point where without really putting in some serious effort - and adding in the proper diet - it never would've really made any difference.
So that is my answer for myself right there. Unfortunately it doesn't change my current view of what I see in the mirror today.
So, I'm going to give in to the anger and sadness that follows when it comes to things like these - for now. It might do me some good to shed some Christmas and New Years weight. I always dread going to the gym in January because of all the people that'll drop off their new year's resolution by Valentine's day.
But there I'll be, with the rest of the suckers, fooled by some version of themselves that just isn't reality. Maybe I'll see you there?
Comes crashing down...
I think it's finally got to me. Somewhere along the way the negative self-body image crept in and I don't think it's leaving the train station any time soon.
I remember at one point during college that I just wanted to let go, to see what would happen.
I had lost a bet to a friend and had to grow my hair out the entire summer. Longer than it has ever been and probably will ever be. I felt so gross that I wanted to just spiral out of control. I didn't shower for more than a week. I ate as terribly as I could, drinking beer with meals and enough food for 2 meals in 1 consisting of grease infested fried cheese. Not really, but I think I get the point across.
All throughout college I was a pretty steady 190 to 200 lbs. Everyone pretty much has their routine down, so most of us fluctuate in a given range. My body felt comfortable at that weight (and continues to). I don't have to work to stay at that weight, and it actually takes work to put on more or lose any.
I believe the highest I ever got during my "give up" phase was around 220. I had packed them on, but the only place I had noticed was in the "definition" (if I could call it that) I had lost.
It took 3 months of getting back to an active lifestyle and eating normally to get rid of it all. I did it living my normal life though, doing the things I wanted to and eating what I wanted to.
Which, to this day is still the case.
So what happened? This is the question I sit here asking myself while eating a 90 calorie Choclately Drizzle Special K bar and washing it down with tap water. I don't know what happened. I've watched all the celeb shows, heard everyone complain about weight gain, read along with the articles in the wife's Shape magazines - all over the past few years. It never affected me in the slightest. And all of a sudden now I start to feel bad about how my body looks? Out of nowhere?
What the eff is wrong with me? This is the reason why I wanted to write this post. To question my feeling sorry for myself. To question the negativity. Never before in my life have I said *seriously* "I'm so effing fat", "I feel like a fatass", "I'm out of shape", "I need to work out", "I need to lose 15 pounds". Never. Except for this past holiday season.
I have been in good shape all of my life, and my mentality on my body image was something I prided myself on. While others hated on themselves (while they looked good, if not great) I sat there and laughed as they failed at diets, failed at workout routines, and overall just felt bad about themselves for no reason whatsoever. And I've always thought it was because of their own negative self-images.
Well, I've now for some reason joined the ranks. Sooner or later that wall I had put up around my body image was going to come crashing down.
I weighed myself tonight. A whopping 203 pounds. I would normally be fine with this. "Seth, you just had a little too much this holiday season. No biggie." But not this year. I never had to fight this feeling before - this feeling of wanting to cut calories. The feeling of wanting to work out an hour or more a day. The craving of soreness in my body after running lines all night at the gym.
You know why? Because I always plateued. As much as I was driven to be the sleek muscular guy, I always got to a point where without really putting in some serious effort - and adding in the proper diet - it never would've really made any difference.
So that is my answer for myself right there. Unfortunately it doesn't change my current view of what I see in the mirror today.
So, I'm going to give in to the anger and sadness that follows when it comes to things like these - for now. It might do me some good to shed some Christmas and New Years weight. I always dread going to the gym in January because of all the people that'll drop off their new year's resolution by Valentine's day.
But there I'll be, with the rest of the suckers, fooled by some version of themselves that just isn't reality. Maybe I'll see you there?
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