It's story time boys and girls.
I'm not sure if I've shared this one on here before - but it's one of my favorites and I'm sure everyone I know has at least heard it once before.
Chris Langbang (names have been changed to nicknames to protect the innocent) was one of my heroes in college. Of course, I was new to the scene and he was the embodiment of basically all that was amazing and impressive in movies about college.
He was spectacular. When I saw him he was either drunk, completely shitfaced, half awake but still drunk from a long night of drinking or trying to ride his bike somewhere because he knew he couldn't drive - because he was fucked up from drinking from his flask while riding. If someone was going to get a DUI for riding a bike it was him. I'm pretty sure he got at least one. He was a scrapper. Probably about 5'10, square jaw, brown hair and a beard he would grow every so often when he was afraid he would kill himself with a razor because he couldn't hold it straight - because he was seeing double (or infinite!) in the mirror. One of those guys you didn't really want to mess with because you knew he had this crazy monkey inside of him just waiting to eat you alive.
A fellow tuba player in the band - I respected him not only for his drinking abilities, but his massive chops. And of course the nickname of "Langbang" stems from his ability to bang the most of the best chicks on, around, near and off campus. One evening during an away game in a hotel the male tubas decided to have a penis measuring contest (measured by an unbiased 3rd party) and he was the only one I looked up to (on the list). However, out of all of us only the top few names were given to help avoid embarrassment for the others.
There are only a select hand few of people that will stay with me forever in my memories and Langbang is one of them for the Arizona State trip that we took in October of 2001.
This wasn't my first rodeo. I had been on the road before and partied at other schools. Chris I'm pretty sure at that time was a 6th year senior (I don't actually really know if he ever graduated from UW or if he actually went to school there - I could check FB but it's more fun this way) and still had that twinkle in his eye of a 14 year old getting his first taste of Budweiser.
I had no idea. We were sitting there near the field and I watched as not only the cheerleaders ran by - but then there was an army of the pom squad. And then...in utter disbelief I turned to Langbang and I could see the wheels turning up in that foggy noggin of his. He forearmed me and said, "Look!" I turned back to the field, mouth agape, as a dance team floated past.
What was this place? Did they want to outnumber the football players (all of them?) on the field by a 3:1 ratio? It was insane.
And there's something about the desert that melts the pounds off of bodies and bleaches the hair a lighter color. Maybe.
In my mind I can't remember how I ended up going from the field - to getting included in an invite from one of these women to a Halloween party - to going back to our hotel and having no idea what to wear to this party.
So of course we ripped the sheets off of our beds, stripped down to our boxers and went in togas.
We had full on free shuttle service from the party hosts. The only problem was it was clown car style and we had to fit about 13 guys in to a '93 accord. We made it though...and couldn't wait to drink as soon as we got out.
As soon as I stepped through the door a fellow tuba from the ASU band slaps me on the back and says, "You've got to try this Yucca."
Let me back this up a bit. You have to remember that I am 19 years old at this point and still feel invincible and that I can take on any challenge. End rewind.
We head over to the bar and the guy hands me a keg cup full of what looks like either coconut milk, or regular milk, and ice. I don't even smell it. I just gulp.
"WHOA! Whoa whoa...holy shit!"
"What?"
"Dude, that was everclear."
So the rest of the night - I grabbed another cup of Yucca and walked around the party and just sipped. Within an hour I had hit the wall and really couldn't talk. Not that I needed to. The music was loud - and lucky us: the big hit for Halloween that year? Was dressing up like the ladies of Moulin Rouge. And a majority of the girls there got the memo.
So I just circled the party. Socialized. High fived. Until our driver said it was time to go. I had no idea what time it was - only that I knew as the only one that was probably still on his feet it was more than likely my responsibility to round people up.
I found people and told them to find the accord out front and that we were leaving in :10. The only person I couldn't find was Chris. It was probably because I wasn't looking low enough...because on my final tour around the house I found him on a couch underneath what looked like to be a vicky secret's angel...dressed in all white lacy lingerie - mounted on top of him and sucking face like they were underwater.
"Chris!" I yelled at him - but it more than likely came out like, "Chss!"
He didn't hear me.
I reached in and grabbed an exposed shoulder hoping it was his.
"Hey Chris! We're getting out of here man - you look like you're having fun though, so we'll see you tomorrow!"
Suddenly an arm reached out and pulled me in close. It was Langbang and he was yelling in my ear.
"Get me...the fuck out of here!"
I thought he was flipping me shit.
"What? You're crazy man! We'll just see you tomorrow."
From there, I brown out and pile in to the car and somehow ended up sleeping at the hotel (not sure if I was in a bed) until morning and then frantically packed for the trip home.
And here is one of the best parts about drinking. Is that morning look. Nothing needs to be said because the brains hurt too much and noise is bad. It's just that shared look among friends that you experienced something amazing together - and now you were all beat. Or hoping you weren't going to puke on the plane.
Little did we know we'd get much more entertainment that morning than just a shared hangover in what was already a dry 82 degree desert heat.
The last to board the bus was typically our director. And he'd always do the head count before we left - no child left behind or some BS.
But this morning for the first trip all year...there was someone missing. So the yell went through the caravan:
"Who are we missing?! Everyone look around and see if you can figure out who we're missing."
As we're looking around the bus we see this old corolla pull in to the hotel parking lot and park parallel to the parade of buses. Immediately we all look over and someone yells out, "It's Chris!"
We've all had our walks of shame. But I think this one takes the cake. There was Chris. Completely disheveled and hung over, sitting in a car in only his boxers and not wanting to get out - in front of 250+ band kids anxious to get moving.
But he sucked it up, opened his door and got out. Little did we know that his vicky secret gal pal was also going to accompany him and hug and kiss him goodbye. So as he's walking towards the bus, she opens her door - and struggles with it a bit.
As she steps out the realization then hits me as to why Langbang didn't want to live up to his nickname the previous night. Why he was so adamant about coming back to the hotel with us. And it was because as she kissed him goodbye and reached around to give him a hug - the entire audience saw nothing there. There were no fingers. No knuckles. Not a thumb to be seen or even wrists.
Only stubs.
We sat there dumbfounded. Had Chris done the unthinkable? I mean, was she really that good with her toes?
A hush turned in to a dull roar which then turned in to all out laughter. It's OK - we all know that we reserved our place in hell a long time ago.
Chris hung his head a bit and waved goodbye to the car and as he climbed aboard - a chant was started from the back...
"Stah...be
Stah-be
Stah-be
STUB-BY!
STUB-BY!"
The whole bus was chanting it. It was all of Chris' glorious debauchery on display for a moment in time. And to this day I still tell this story so that his legend lives on - in the hearts, minds and palms...of some of us.
Stubby indeed.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
30 Minute Bucket List
I've always had items in my head for things I want to accomplish before I die. This will of course be a living document...really I just wanted to get a post up November because it's missing one.
So items I've mentally checked off:
-Hit a game winning buzzer beater (from almost half court nonetheless and to win a championship game)
-Hit a grand slam (a real one that goes over the fence)
-Ride a motorcycle
-Drive a convertible
-Go to Europe (and everything that entails)
-Go on a cruise
-Get in a physical fight (got my ear punched - awesome)
-Drive across the country (4 times)
-See all the major US cities (seen most)
-Get my 15 minutes of fame (they've been clips here and there)
-Play in a world series of poker tournament
-Make thousands of dollars in a day trading the stock market
-Swim in both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans
-Live in another state/city for more than 3 months.
That's all I can think of for now. Now on to the list waiting to be accomplished:
-Rebuild a car motor - or build some sort of "project" car.
-Become a millionaire in cash - not net worth. Roll around in hundreds when I reach that point.
-Learn how to play the Cello and then learn Bach's Prelude No. 1
-Learn how to play the drums and at least be "OK" at them.
-Once I've learned these things, record myself playing at least 4 different instruments and singing a song that I've written. 1 man band. Try to get someone to buy it on iTunes.
-Go to Australia, Japan, China, Brazil, South Africa, some spots in the Middle East.
-Brew my own beer.
-Own a real library/study in my house with only books that I've read entirely. Learn how to speed read.
-Be 6'2 and 210 lbs of lean muscle - might as well throw the 6 (4) pack on there for good measure.
-Hit a hole in one on the golf course (probably will die before this one happens)
-Be fluent in another language.
-Run a marathon
-Have a wiki page created about me - but for something I did or was famous/infamous for.
-Do a stand up routine at amateur night
-Donate a majority of my life savings before I die a la Buffett/Gates.
This took me longer than 30 minutes. It seems very short but I've lived a great life so far. Also - there are many items in the "checked off" section of my bucket list which I didn't think were worthy of sharing which we probably all have. Small victories and memories count too.
So items I've mentally checked off:
-Hit a game winning buzzer beater (from almost half court nonetheless and to win a championship game)
-Hit a grand slam (a real one that goes over the fence)
-Ride a motorcycle
-Drive a convertible
-Go to Europe (and everything that entails)
-Go on a cruise
-Get in a physical fight (got my ear punched - awesome)
-Drive across the country (4 times)
-See all the major US cities (seen most)
-Get my 15 minutes of fame (they've been clips here and there)
-Play in a world series of poker tournament
-Make thousands of dollars in a day trading the stock market
-Swim in both the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans
-Live in another state/city for more than 3 months.
That's all I can think of for now. Now on to the list waiting to be accomplished:
-Rebuild a car motor - or build some sort of "project" car.
-Become a millionaire in cash - not net worth. Roll around in hundreds when I reach that point.
-Learn how to play the Cello and then learn Bach's Prelude No. 1
-Learn how to play the drums and at least be "OK" at them.
-Once I've learned these things, record myself playing at least 4 different instruments and singing a song that I've written. 1 man band. Try to get someone to buy it on iTunes.
-Go to Australia, Japan, China, Brazil, South Africa, some spots in the Middle East.
-Brew my own beer.
-Own a real library/study in my house with only books that I've read entirely. Learn how to speed read.
-Be 6'2 and 210 lbs of lean muscle - might as well throw the 6 (4) pack on there for good measure.
-Hit a hole in one on the golf course (probably will die before this one happens)
-Be fluent in another language.
-Run a marathon
-Have a wiki page created about me - but for something I did or was famous/infamous for.
-Do a stand up routine at amateur night
-Donate a majority of my life savings before I die a la Buffett/Gates.
This took me longer than 30 minutes. It seems very short but I've lived a great life so far. Also - there are many items in the "checked off" section of my bucket list which I didn't think were worthy of sharing which we probably all have. Small victories and memories count too.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Randoctober
I swear if I got paid for a certain worthless skill it would be the ability to combine 2 words in to one.
Even when I completely use 1 word out of the 2 like "October".
Here is a story:
Plain Jane got more plain as she got older. She got more in to routine, more about comfort and security because the world was uncomfortable and scary at times. Unfortunately her best friend Saucy Suzy was all about trying new things. Suzy wanted to see the world - she wanted to step on all 7 continents. She wanted to try every type of food and meet as many people as possible. Plain Jane wanted the same thing on her sandwich every day because she liked it like that. She wanted to keep the same friends because they were always there for her and she knew what to expect from them.
You all know how this story ends. And that's where the story will end.
Sometimes I look at my retirement account balance and then I go car shopping at the same time.
And then I look back at my balance and I look at my dream car - the Audi RS4. And I say...maaannnnnnnn. That is what I say in my head. I want to rent the car for a year and see how I feel about it afterward. I would be willing to pay $850 a month to rent one. So if for some reason someone out there was somehow willing to do a year long lease of their RS4 for $850 a month - then please get in contact with me.
Where do I sign?
I think if I rented it, the feeling would be like renting a house. I would never feel like it was actually mine. And ownership is satisfying. Especially paying off something that you now completely own.
I struggle. Cause the smart thing to do would be to wait another 5-7 years when electric cars are everywhere and then get a super slow car that gets 200 miles on a charge and save $2300 a year on gas (not inflation adjusted for the 5-7 years from now).
But sometimes I hate being smart. And the car would just be for me. It wouldn't be about anyone else. The S4 has always been the car I've wanted - ever since I first found out about it. Sure there are plenty of other cars out there with similar specs, some even for lower cost...but all of the other car manufacturers didn't get it right like they Audi did with theirs.
And sadly as it reads - the car just fits me. I told the wife the other night that sometimes it's embarrassing to get out of my car. I think both of us were actually kind of surprised that:
-I admitted to that
-Somehow I actually cared about what kind of car I drove?
And yes. I don't know why. I should only feel embarrassed because others are judging me - but in this case it might just be me tihnking that other people are judging me - which they might be.
Today on the freeway I was driving behind an old school Acura legend and the driver side door was tied shut and flung halfway open during a hard brake application and the driver had to grab it so it didn't hit any other cars on the freeway. That is definitely open for judging. As in ghetto.
I watched excerpts from this video:
Jay-Z and Buffett
And one thing that always strikes me about Buffett is how quickly he jumps to the "luck" factor. For someone at the top - rarely do I hear that from people I would consider his peers. There's a point at which he admits if he had been born in to different circumstances things would obviously be completely different for him.
But at the same time - at what point do we all find something we are passionate and actually good at? And do we actually believe we have talent due to a few successes which then snowball in to a confidence and possible future successes?
It really could be 70% mental.
Or more.
I suppose knowing that it gives guys like me hope.
This is my current favorite commercial. The faces are just priceless. I'm glad the NBA is back - but I'm still pissed about the Sonics.
I was just sitting there tonight watching opening night imagining what it would've been like to have the Sonics playing the Lakers in the playoffs last year.
And how I'd own a Durant jersey by now.
It's really frustrating. Please bring basketball back to Seattle. The college team is not enough.
Even when I completely use 1 word out of the 2 like "October".
Here is a story:
Plain Jane got more plain as she got older. She got more in to routine, more about comfort and security because the world was uncomfortable and scary at times. Unfortunately her best friend Saucy Suzy was all about trying new things. Suzy wanted to see the world - she wanted to step on all 7 continents. She wanted to try every type of food and meet as many people as possible. Plain Jane wanted the same thing on her sandwich every day because she liked it like that. She wanted to keep the same friends because they were always there for her and she knew what to expect from them.
You all know how this story ends. And that's where the story will end.
Sometimes I look at my retirement account balance and then I go car shopping at the same time.
And then I look back at my balance and I look at my dream car - the Audi RS4. And I say...maaannnnnnnn. That is what I say in my head. I want to rent the car for a year and see how I feel about it afterward. I would be willing to pay $850 a month to rent one. So if for some reason someone out there was somehow willing to do a year long lease of their RS4 for $850 a month - then please get in contact with me.
Where do I sign?
I think if I rented it, the feeling would be like renting a house. I would never feel like it was actually mine. And ownership is satisfying. Especially paying off something that you now completely own.
I struggle. Cause the smart thing to do would be to wait another 5-7 years when electric cars are everywhere and then get a super slow car that gets 200 miles on a charge and save $2300 a year on gas (not inflation adjusted for the 5-7 years from now).
But sometimes I hate being smart. And the car would just be for me. It wouldn't be about anyone else. The S4 has always been the car I've wanted - ever since I first found out about it. Sure there are plenty of other cars out there with similar specs, some even for lower cost...but all of the other car manufacturers didn't get it right like they Audi did with theirs.
And sadly as it reads - the car just fits me. I told the wife the other night that sometimes it's embarrassing to get out of my car. I think both of us were actually kind of surprised that:
-I admitted to that
-Somehow I actually cared about what kind of car I drove?
And yes. I don't know why. I should only feel embarrassed because others are judging me - but in this case it might just be me tihnking that other people are judging me - which they might be.
Today on the freeway I was driving behind an old school Acura legend and the driver side door was tied shut and flung halfway open during a hard brake application and the driver had to grab it so it didn't hit any other cars on the freeway. That is definitely open for judging. As in ghetto.
I watched excerpts from this video:
Jay-Z and Buffett
And one thing that always strikes me about Buffett is how quickly he jumps to the "luck" factor. For someone at the top - rarely do I hear that from people I would consider his peers. There's a point at which he admits if he had been born in to different circumstances things would obviously be completely different for him.
But at the same time - at what point do we all find something we are passionate and actually good at? And do we actually believe we have talent due to a few successes which then snowball in to a confidence and possible future successes?
It really could be 70% mental.
Or more.
I suppose knowing that it gives guys like me hope.
This is my current favorite commercial. The faces are just priceless. I'm glad the NBA is back - but I'm still pissed about the Sonics.
I was just sitting there tonight watching opening night imagining what it would've been like to have the Sonics playing the Lakers in the playoffs last year.
And how I'd own a Durant jersey by now.
It's really frustrating. Please bring basketball back to Seattle. The college team is not enough.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Maddening Voice
There's someone talking inside my head.
It's my voice. And sometimes it shuts up - other times like tonight it's talking like it's had a few drinks.
But what it mainly gets at is the questions. Questions that I'm not sure I will ever answer. I have ideas but ideas might take definition er, definitive answers.
I think looking back over this blog - and over my entire life - I set out to not allow people to define me. Yes, they still did define me. And in some ways I let them.
But in other ways I was always trying to stray from the norm. Or what I should have been. But being "different" or being an individual seems like something that everyone else was trying to do. So...what to do in that situation?
I remember sitting there in 9th grade listening to my teacher Ms. Vanderbeck talking about her friends. She said something along the lines of, "You shouldn't know what you want to be or what you want to do with your life at this age. Some of the most interesting people I know still don't know who they are or what they want to do at my age."
And as soon as I heard that it kind of romanticized the idea for me. I would be the guy who never settled on who I was - always changing what I thought about things and redefining my likes/dislikes and opinions. Recreating myself and constantly adding layers to what I had always hoped would be some depth of a person. Which I still try to do to some extent.
But now I'm starting to look in the mirror and sadly enough age is starting to take it's toll on at least my physical appearance. My hair is thinning (I think) - the wrinkle lines are getting longer and deeper and I honestly believe my chest is starting to sag. "Welcome to the club!" my wife said to me while I was complaining about the damage that has been done.
So at what point will I be able to shut myself out or off? When can I throw a stake in the ground and say, "That's it - it's enough. This is who I am and I'm not going to change."
Yes, I've had plenty of epiphany moments where I "figured out" things and kind of changed the course of my life due to it. But I don't think I've ever had a "eureka!" moment where I sat back and said, "This is who I am." I think it might possibly be due to fear. There's a person I would like to be and might project myself as - and maybe that image and who I am currently or will be in the future might never meet. Or maybe even the person I want to be - what if I get there and realize I'm not a fan - what then?
Classic case of over thinking. But it goes on - and the more mundane the daily grind the louder that voice gets. Distractions are only temporary fixes and unfortunately never figuring it out is not an answer I'm sure I'll be able to live with.
But for tonight, I'll have to. If you're completely lost, I am too. Sort of.
See? Maddening.
It's my voice. And sometimes it shuts up - other times like tonight it's talking like it's had a few drinks.
But what it mainly gets at is the questions. Questions that I'm not sure I will ever answer. I have ideas but ideas might take definition er, definitive answers.
I think looking back over this blog - and over my entire life - I set out to not allow people to define me. Yes, they still did define me. And in some ways I let them.
But in other ways I was always trying to stray from the norm. Or what I should have been. But being "different" or being an individual seems like something that everyone else was trying to do. So...what to do in that situation?
I remember sitting there in 9th grade listening to my teacher Ms. Vanderbeck talking about her friends. She said something along the lines of, "You shouldn't know what you want to be or what you want to do with your life at this age. Some of the most interesting people I know still don't know who they are or what they want to do at my age."
And as soon as I heard that it kind of romanticized the idea for me. I would be the guy who never settled on who I was - always changing what I thought about things and redefining my likes/dislikes and opinions. Recreating myself and constantly adding layers to what I had always hoped would be some depth of a person. Which I still try to do to some extent.
But now I'm starting to look in the mirror and sadly enough age is starting to take it's toll on at least my physical appearance. My hair is thinning (I think) - the wrinkle lines are getting longer and deeper and I honestly believe my chest is starting to sag. "Welcome to the club!" my wife said to me while I was complaining about the damage that has been done.
So at what point will I be able to shut myself out or off? When can I throw a stake in the ground and say, "That's it - it's enough. This is who I am and I'm not going to change."
Yes, I've had plenty of epiphany moments where I "figured out" things and kind of changed the course of my life due to it. But I don't think I've ever had a "eureka!" moment where I sat back and said, "This is who I am." I think it might possibly be due to fear. There's a person I would like to be and might project myself as - and maybe that image and who I am currently or will be in the future might never meet. Or maybe even the person I want to be - what if I get there and realize I'm not a fan - what then?
Classic case of over thinking. But it goes on - and the more mundane the daily grind the louder that voice gets. Distractions are only temporary fixes and unfortunately never figuring it out is not an answer I'm sure I'll be able to live with.
But for tonight, I'll have to. If you're completely lost, I am too. Sort of.
See? Maddening.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Self Perception and Worldly Citizens
Just wanted to jot some things down before I hit the hay.
One of the things that's been bothering me recently is my own perception of myself - or maybe what others think of me.
I've typically been the guy that has never given much thought to what people think of me - that's usually why I've heard people half jokingly refer to me as the "asshole" or "jerk". I have a problem with holding my tongue at times and to add to that I'm loud.
But I know who I am. Or at least I think I've got a good grasp of who I think I am. So for the past few months at work I've shut my mouth and put on the headphones. I do this because I don't have much in common with my coworkers (most who are 15-25 years older than I am) and they obviously don't care about me, nor should I really care about them.
Like people passing in the mall. For 8 hours a day.
And yet, I can't help but get the feeling that I'm still the asshole to them. Even though I've shared common courtesies, small talk BS, etc. I in all honesty don't think I've done anything to piss any of them off and yet I can't shake this feeling.
And the problem is, I'm not sure how to fix it. It's like a downward spiral. I'll never break free of my reputation because people I'm surrounded by have already pegged me as something and don't want to change what they think of me. I guess this is what makes people anti-social? The feeling that no one likes you so you're just better off ignoring everyone else?
Guess I'm starting to lean that way. Socially it's like I'm fucked either way. I shut up and ignore then people hate me for it - I speak up and say something (even if what I'm saying is harmless) I still feel like a dick. Don't know how to fix. it.
~~~
I've been on a big kick lately of wanting to live as a "citizen of the world". What if we all signed some sort of agreement with the world that we would do our best to help out - even if it be in the tiniest of ways.
I think we've lost a lot of the standard courtesies that people of older generations used to enjoy. And I believe it happened because of a couple big things: Those that continued to do it never experienced any thanks or recognition and those who didn't participate never received any sort of punishment.
As a quick example: This afternoon I headed to Central Market to pick up some groceries needed for a dinner with friends. As I was walking in to the store a woman pulled her bags out of her grocery cart and with hands full tried to kick the cart towards the general vicinity of where they were stacked out in front of the store.
Of course most of you can guess what happened after she turned her back and obliviously walked back towards her car: The cart started rolling towards the parking lot towards a parked car. I ended up running to catch the cart before it hit anything - but I don't think anyone saw me do it, and I think if it was me a few years ago I would've done one of a couple things:
1) Let the cart hit the car and say, "eff 'em"
2) Stop the cart, turn to woman walking towards her car now 30 yards away and yell, "Hey WTF lady! Can't you take some time out to put this cart back?"
And in either of those situations I was out to teach lessons. But both of them would make my blood boil obviously (especially if it was my car getting hit).
But today I just grabbed her cart mid-roll and put it back. There was no malice in my action. It was very strange for me - but this is what I've been working towards lately. I believe that if every person on this Earth began to think of themselves as citizens of it - vs. only representing a small section of it we might all be better off.
It just doesn't make any sense to me - especially in the hard times that we're all facing - that people just can't have or give some sliver of respect for others or property around them.
Final example: There is a church up the road from my house. It's a small church and on Sundays when I drive by I maybe see 15-20 cars at most parked out front.
A couple years ago I saw that they put up a nice in ground basketball hoop. They did it right. Even painted the key, free throw and 3 point lines in white. Not only that, but I'm assuming the money for all of this came out of the congregation's pockets. And every so often on a sunny day I'd drive by and see churchy looking (if you can call them that) people shooting hoops.
A couple months ago I drove by and noticed that someone had ripped the rim clean off the hoop and took a good chunk of the backboard with it. So now unfortunately the thing is completely useless and is a bit of an eyesore in front of the church. Not only that but it serves as a constant reminder to people like myself who drive by every other day about how disrespectful people are - for probably no reason at all.
Sure it might have seemed like fun for about 10 minutes of vandalism. But in doing so they destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of property and definitely at least weeks of fun for kids and adults who actually wanted to use the hoop for it's intended purpose: Basketball.
These are the actions that make me want to give up these thoughts of global citizenship. And I'm sure there are others out there who have given up a long time ago.
But I'm still trying. And I guess what I'm trying to get across is if you've given up maybe you should try again too. I've seen "citizens of the world" out there. I might not say anything to you while it's happening - but thank you for the effort. It doesn't go unnoticed.
One of the things that's been bothering me recently is my own perception of myself - or maybe what others think of me.
I've typically been the guy that has never given much thought to what people think of me - that's usually why I've heard people half jokingly refer to me as the "asshole" or "jerk". I have a problem with holding my tongue at times and to add to that I'm loud.
But I know who I am. Or at least I think I've got a good grasp of who I think I am. So for the past few months at work I've shut my mouth and put on the headphones. I do this because I don't have much in common with my coworkers (most who are 15-25 years older than I am) and they obviously don't care about me, nor should I really care about them.
Like people passing in the mall. For 8 hours a day.
And yet, I can't help but get the feeling that I'm still the asshole to them. Even though I've shared common courtesies, small talk BS, etc. I in all honesty don't think I've done anything to piss any of them off and yet I can't shake this feeling.
And the problem is, I'm not sure how to fix it. It's like a downward spiral. I'll never break free of my reputation because people I'm surrounded by have already pegged me as something and don't want to change what they think of me. I guess this is what makes people anti-social? The feeling that no one likes you so you're just better off ignoring everyone else?
Guess I'm starting to lean that way. Socially it's like I'm fucked either way. I shut up and ignore then people hate me for it - I speak up and say something (even if what I'm saying is harmless) I still feel like a dick. Don't know how to fix. it.
~~~
I've been on a big kick lately of wanting to live as a "citizen of the world". What if we all signed some sort of agreement with the world that we would do our best to help out - even if it be in the tiniest of ways.
I think we've lost a lot of the standard courtesies that people of older generations used to enjoy. And I believe it happened because of a couple big things: Those that continued to do it never experienced any thanks or recognition and those who didn't participate never received any sort of punishment.
As a quick example: This afternoon I headed to Central Market to pick up some groceries needed for a dinner with friends. As I was walking in to the store a woman pulled her bags out of her grocery cart and with hands full tried to kick the cart towards the general vicinity of where they were stacked out in front of the store.
Of course most of you can guess what happened after she turned her back and obliviously walked back towards her car: The cart started rolling towards the parking lot towards a parked car. I ended up running to catch the cart before it hit anything - but I don't think anyone saw me do it, and I think if it was me a few years ago I would've done one of a couple things:
1) Let the cart hit the car and say, "eff 'em"
2) Stop the cart, turn to woman walking towards her car now 30 yards away and yell, "Hey WTF lady! Can't you take some time out to put this cart back?"
And in either of those situations I was out to teach lessons. But both of them would make my blood boil obviously (especially if it was my car getting hit).
But today I just grabbed her cart mid-roll and put it back. There was no malice in my action. It was very strange for me - but this is what I've been working towards lately. I believe that if every person on this Earth began to think of themselves as citizens of it - vs. only representing a small section of it we might all be better off.
It just doesn't make any sense to me - especially in the hard times that we're all facing - that people just can't have or give some sliver of respect for others or property around them.
Final example: There is a church up the road from my house. It's a small church and on Sundays when I drive by I maybe see 15-20 cars at most parked out front.
A couple years ago I saw that they put up a nice in ground basketball hoop. They did it right. Even painted the key, free throw and 3 point lines in white. Not only that, but I'm assuming the money for all of this came out of the congregation's pockets. And every so often on a sunny day I'd drive by and see churchy looking (if you can call them that) people shooting hoops.
A couple months ago I drove by and noticed that someone had ripped the rim clean off the hoop and took a good chunk of the backboard with it. So now unfortunately the thing is completely useless and is a bit of an eyesore in front of the church. Not only that but it serves as a constant reminder to people like myself who drive by every other day about how disrespectful people are - for probably no reason at all.
Sure it might have seemed like fun for about 10 minutes of vandalism. But in doing so they destroyed hundreds of dollars worth of property and definitely at least weeks of fun for kids and adults who actually wanted to use the hoop for it's intended purpose: Basketball.
These are the actions that make me want to give up these thoughts of global citizenship. And I'm sure there are others out there who have given up a long time ago.
But I'm still trying. And I guess what I'm trying to get across is if you've given up maybe you should try again too. I've seen "citizens of the world" out there. I might not say anything to you while it's happening - but thank you for the effort. It doesn't go unnoticed.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Random Money Post
I think it's been awhile since I've talked about one of my favorite topics on here.
So I'll just random post it style.
Here are my current 3 largest investment holdings (in no particular order):
DPO: Pays 10% dividend and gives you $.09 a month per share. It follows the Dow and (from what I think) sells options against it's holdings and pays you the income that they make. The financials from Google finance look amazing and only a few months ago they cut the dividend by a little less than half - which definitely made me sad but that large of a return on dividends alone is definitely unsustainable. I just hope they continue to do the $.09 a month.
I've been buying this stock since it was $10 before the big crash and bought it all the way down to $6. I continue to scoop it up any time it breaks below $9. Unbeatable in it's dividend and watching that monthly payment grow tax free makes me happy in a way no other financial product can.
My other 2 holdings are opposite plays of the other. There are only (in my opinion) 2 ways out of this financial mess the US government has gotten themselves in to:
1) Tax and raise interest rates to bring all the stimulus back and hopefully pay down some of the debt we owe so we don't get knocked on the credit rating (which I can't believe anyone cares about anymore)
2) Inflate the hell out of the dollar by flooding the market with more of it, therefore driving the economy (kind of) and lessening the actual value of the debt that we owe/cash that everyone is holding.
Knowing these 2 things I am holding TBT which is a bet against the 20 year bond price (yields go UP prices go DOWN) and UNG which is such the smarter choice for the entire world it's ridiculous. There's tons of inventory - the distribution channels are already and natural gas is much less harmful to our environment than a majority of the alternatives.
But here's the thing that makes me money on these holdings:
TBT I would buy around $45 or $46 and then turn around and sell 2-3 weeks later at $49-$50. I did that at least 3 times this past year. Sure, this time when I bought at $45 it's now dropped to $35 (where I then bought) but I'm not to worried about it. There's a big bubble in bonds where everyone ran in fear of the market that's about to burst and when it does...I'll be smiling all the way to the bank. Now that I hold my full position in this stock I'm going to start selling calls against my holding. Sure it's not much - I expect to make $20 a month from my holding - but in comparison to the total amount that's close to 10% return on selling premiums alone.
Which is what I've solidly been doing with UNG over the past year and a half. UNG is pretty volatile so it's actually a lot of fun to play. Every so often it will have an up 6 or 7% day - and of course I check it every other day to see where I'm at. Sometimes when we get a little run going (for example last months $8.80 high) I can sell calls for big premiums and cringe while I watch the buyers lose 100% of their investment by the end of the contract. With UNG I'm able to pick up a much bigger premium of almost $50 a month (as high as $70 one month) and almost 15% return on selling calls alone.
As an individual investor, I admit this is definitely time consuming and takes a little work. But if you've got some extra cash laying around in my opinion there is nothing better to do with it than to get it in to a roth and get those high dividend paying stocks/funds. I always dream about putting a big chunk of money together (which will happen) and suddenly earning 12% a year becomes enough money to live life comfortably.
Which somewhat segues me in to retirement talk. Pensions were always of great interest to me. I hate to rely on one - because I think all companies that have them file for bankruptcy to avoid paying them - but at this point the only way I'll be able to retire at 45 is with the help from one. The problem I face though is that if I retire before 55 the rules say that I can only take 40% of my actual pension benefit.
Which is actually fine - because if you had asked me 2 years ago if I thought I was going to get a pension I would've told you no. And that somehow through the magic of saving and compound interest I was going to make it. But after living through the "Great Recession" I'm not so sure anymore. It could be a disaster and the market could stagnate for the next 20 years of my life, not earning me 1 penny for a dollar invested.
But on the flip side I think about things like this: If we contributed an extra $1500 a month (which will be possible before 2012) to our mortgage principal we'd have this house paid off in another 12 years (we'll be paying for it for 5 years as of February 2011, cutting our 30 year mortgage down to just 17). And what then? All we have is property taxes, standard house bills and whatever else we want to spend our money on. And all of that can be covered by our pension payments alone - not drawing on any other money we've saved. But just in case if we needed to do that - we could pull the $10K a year of principal we've been saving in our Roths out tax free to supplement anything we please.
So we're talking about a house/property (one of them) that we fully own in our early 40s. Saving every dime for a few years to pad the "just in case" accounts and then letting our pensions pay for the rest of our lives.
As long as we stay healthy I can't really see anything stopping us. And this kind of stuff is exciting enough to keep me up all night (seriously).
I'll try my best to turn my brain off now. It's a marathon...not a sprint...
So I'll just random post it style.
Here are my current 3 largest investment holdings (in no particular order):
DPO: Pays 10% dividend and gives you $.09 a month per share. It follows the Dow and (from what I think) sells options against it's holdings and pays you the income that they make. The financials from Google finance look amazing and only a few months ago they cut the dividend by a little less than half - which definitely made me sad but that large of a return on dividends alone is definitely unsustainable. I just hope they continue to do the $.09 a month.
I've been buying this stock since it was $10 before the big crash and bought it all the way down to $6. I continue to scoop it up any time it breaks below $9. Unbeatable in it's dividend and watching that monthly payment grow tax free makes me happy in a way no other financial product can.
My other 2 holdings are opposite plays of the other. There are only (in my opinion) 2 ways out of this financial mess the US government has gotten themselves in to:
1) Tax and raise interest rates to bring all the stimulus back and hopefully pay down some of the debt we owe so we don't get knocked on the credit rating (which I can't believe anyone cares about anymore)
2) Inflate the hell out of the dollar by flooding the market with more of it, therefore driving the economy (kind of) and lessening the actual value of the debt that we owe/cash that everyone is holding.
Knowing these 2 things I am holding TBT which is a bet against the 20 year bond price (yields go UP prices go DOWN) and UNG which is such the smarter choice for the entire world it's ridiculous. There's tons of inventory - the distribution channels are already and natural gas is much less harmful to our environment than a majority of the alternatives.
But here's the thing that makes me money on these holdings:
TBT I would buy around $45 or $46 and then turn around and sell 2-3 weeks later at $49-$50. I did that at least 3 times this past year. Sure, this time when I bought at $45 it's now dropped to $35 (where I then bought) but I'm not to worried about it. There's a big bubble in bonds where everyone ran in fear of the market that's about to burst and when it does...I'll be smiling all the way to the bank. Now that I hold my full position in this stock I'm going to start selling calls against my holding. Sure it's not much - I expect to make $20 a month from my holding - but in comparison to the total amount that's close to 10% return on selling premiums alone.
Which is what I've solidly been doing with UNG over the past year and a half. UNG is pretty volatile so it's actually a lot of fun to play. Every so often it will have an up 6 or 7% day - and of course I check it every other day to see where I'm at. Sometimes when we get a little run going (for example last months $8.80 high) I can sell calls for big premiums and cringe while I watch the buyers lose 100% of their investment by the end of the contract. With UNG I'm able to pick up a much bigger premium of almost $50 a month (as high as $70 one month) and almost 15% return on selling calls alone.
As an individual investor, I admit this is definitely time consuming and takes a little work. But if you've got some extra cash laying around in my opinion there is nothing better to do with it than to get it in to a roth and get those high dividend paying stocks/funds. I always dream about putting a big chunk of money together (which will happen) and suddenly earning 12% a year becomes enough money to live life comfortably.
Which somewhat segues me in to retirement talk. Pensions were always of great interest to me. I hate to rely on one - because I think all companies that have them file for bankruptcy to avoid paying them - but at this point the only way I'll be able to retire at 45 is with the help from one. The problem I face though is that if I retire before 55 the rules say that I can only take 40% of my actual pension benefit.
Which is actually fine - because if you had asked me 2 years ago if I thought I was going to get a pension I would've told you no. And that somehow through the magic of saving and compound interest I was going to make it. But after living through the "Great Recession" I'm not so sure anymore. It could be a disaster and the market could stagnate for the next 20 years of my life, not earning me 1 penny for a dollar invested.
But on the flip side I think about things like this: If we contributed an extra $1500 a month (which will be possible before 2012) to our mortgage principal we'd have this house paid off in another 12 years (we'll be paying for it for 5 years as of February 2011, cutting our 30 year mortgage down to just 17). And what then? All we have is property taxes, standard house bills and whatever else we want to spend our money on. And all of that can be covered by our pension payments alone - not drawing on any other money we've saved. But just in case if we needed to do that - we could pull the $10K a year of principal we've been saving in our Roths out tax free to supplement anything we please.
So we're talking about a house/property (one of them) that we fully own in our early 40s. Saving every dime for a few years to pad the "just in case" accounts and then letting our pensions pay for the rest of our lives.
As long as we stay healthy I can't really see anything stopping us. And this kind of stuff is exciting enough to keep me up all night (seriously).
I'll try my best to turn my brain off now. It's a marathon...not a sprint...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Half dumb
About a month ago something happened to my ears.
I went from hearing perfectly (or at least as well as I had my previous year of life) to hearing almost nothing. It was a scary time. Both of my ears had clogged and I could only hear about 20% of my normal abilities.
Since then my right ear has completely come back, but my left ear (the one that had previously ruptured) has barely come back at all. You know that feeling when you get water in your ear and in won't come out? Maybe you might be hearing a bit of a ringing in your ear, or you can hear your own breathing or the crunching of food? That's constant for me on my left side.
So on my left side I can barely hear anything.
It's tough because in the morning if I'm sleeping left ear up I won't hear my alarm going off. When people sit to the left of me I usually have to ask them to repeat themselves or speak up if they're speaking too quietly.
Suddenly when I'm riding in the car I miss a lot of "left speaker" things and have to turn the TV up a bit to make sure I'm catching everything that is said.
Last night at dinner I was watching people's lips and wondering if I could develop a skill for reading lips. It'd seem like a pretty fun skill to have - being able to read lips when you can't hear what a person is saying across the room.
One of the weird things about this is that I'm not scared at all. I'm not afraid that I'll lose the hearing in my left ear. And I know I should get checked by an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor but I've just been lazy. In some ways, not being able to hear out of my left side has kind of made me change a few things in my life already:
-I talk less because I don't really want to hear my own voice in my head - and I don't really want to have to strain to hear others talk.
-I try to get the most immediate, relevant information out of people. Not being able to hear very well gives me the ability to more easily ignore the standard fluff that people spout off.
-I'm reading more than usual. It's the only way to get words in and out without being annoyed.
-My ears don't multitask as much. Sometimes I might get distracted by a conversation in the distance, a cell phone ringing, a police siren or even a song playing in the background. Not so much anymore - my brain for some reason is now focusing much better on whatever is in front of me.
-Call me half dumb but the world is a lot more dull when you can't hear half of what is going on. So for that reason alone I'm hoping this goes away soon. I know someone who went through the same thing (not sure about the ruptured ear drum - but definitely loss of hearing) and they have to go through a couple surgeries just to get 70% hearing back.
And I'm not so sure 70% is good enough for me.
I went from hearing perfectly (or at least as well as I had my previous year of life) to hearing almost nothing. It was a scary time. Both of my ears had clogged and I could only hear about 20% of my normal abilities.
Since then my right ear has completely come back, but my left ear (the one that had previously ruptured) has barely come back at all. You know that feeling when you get water in your ear and in won't come out? Maybe you might be hearing a bit of a ringing in your ear, or you can hear your own breathing or the crunching of food? That's constant for me on my left side.
So on my left side I can barely hear anything.
It's tough because in the morning if I'm sleeping left ear up I won't hear my alarm going off. When people sit to the left of me I usually have to ask them to repeat themselves or speak up if they're speaking too quietly.
Suddenly when I'm riding in the car I miss a lot of "left speaker" things and have to turn the TV up a bit to make sure I'm catching everything that is said.
Last night at dinner I was watching people's lips and wondering if I could develop a skill for reading lips. It'd seem like a pretty fun skill to have - being able to read lips when you can't hear what a person is saying across the room.
One of the weird things about this is that I'm not scared at all. I'm not afraid that I'll lose the hearing in my left ear. And I know I should get checked by an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor but I've just been lazy. In some ways, not being able to hear out of my left side has kind of made me change a few things in my life already:
-I talk less because I don't really want to hear my own voice in my head - and I don't really want to have to strain to hear others talk.
-I try to get the most immediate, relevant information out of people. Not being able to hear very well gives me the ability to more easily ignore the standard fluff that people spout off.
-I'm reading more than usual. It's the only way to get words in and out without being annoyed.
-My ears don't multitask as much. Sometimes I might get distracted by a conversation in the distance, a cell phone ringing, a police siren or even a song playing in the background. Not so much anymore - my brain for some reason is now focusing much better on whatever is in front of me.
-Call me half dumb but the world is a lot more dull when you can't hear half of what is going on. So for that reason alone I'm hoping this goes away soon. I know someone who went through the same thing (not sure about the ruptured ear drum - but definitely loss of hearing) and they have to go through a couple surgeries just to get 70% hearing back.
And I'm not so sure 70% is good enough for me.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Now I Won't Be Able to Sleep
Remind me not to read anything to get my blood boiling before heading to bed.
First this awesome article about giving raises to our hard working state employees.
And now, to cover those raises?
Well, we've definitely got to find some form of revenue.
And what better way to tax people on things we don't want them to have anyway?
We've got to make up a much bigger short fall than that though. We've got to keep our state worker's ridiculous overtime going! And the pensions! And don't forget about the other bountiful benefits!
So how about charging people more for property they've already assumed they paid for?
Remind me why I live in this great state of ours?
And for me, that isn't the worst part of it. The worst part of it is always the apathy. Out of over 100+ links and facebook updates not ONE of my friends mentioned any of this.
No one cares. The tax bills go up and people just shrug at the necessary evil.
I'm in the same boat. I can't do anything to change it. I guess it's the cost of living where we do. The sad thing is, the less people care (especially those in my generation) the more and more the government will take from us.
Because if no one protested the sin/vice tax - who would complain about a tax on the amount of garbage we produce? That's a win win for the government too right? Or how about a tax on foods over a certain calorie amount per meal? Is that the reason why all of these restaurants have to display their calories now? Maybe a tax on people who want to drive their car on their own and not carpool everywhere they go? A tax for sitting on the couch and watching TV? So many ways to make money off the tax payers who don't care.
They can't force us to do anything. They'll just shape the way we live our lives by paying themselves with our money.
First this awesome article about giving raises to our hard working state employees.
And now, to cover those raises?
Well, we've definitely got to find some form of revenue.
And what better way to tax people on things we don't want them to have anyway?
We've got to make up a much bigger short fall than that though. We've got to keep our state worker's ridiculous overtime going! And the pensions! And don't forget about the other bountiful benefits!
So how about charging people more for property they've already assumed they paid for?
Remind me why I live in this great state of ours?
And for me, that isn't the worst part of it. The worst part of it is always the apathy. Out of over 100+ links and facebook updates not ONE of my friends mentioned any of this.
No one cares. The tax bills go up and people just shrug at the necessary evil.
I'm in the same boat. I can't do anything to change it. I guess it's the cost of living where we do. The sad thing is, the less people care (especially those in my generation) the more and more the government will take from us.
Because if no one protested the sin/vice tax - who would complain about a tax on the amount of garbage we produce? That's a win win for the government too right? Or how about a tax on foods over a certain calorie amount per meal? Is that the reason why all of these restaurants have to display their calories now? Maybe a tax on people who want to drive their car on their own and not carpool everywhere they go? A tax for sitting on the couch and watching TV? So many ways to make money off the tax payers who don't care.
They can't force us to do anything. They'll just shape the way we live our lives by paying themselves with our money.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Summer Olympics
Since college I've always dreamed of having a mini-olympics.
Multiple sports/challenges etc. between ultra competitive people/groups.
I thought it would happen between me and other guys. But for some reason never got planned (standard guy stuff).
I figured - maybe some golf, tennis, ping pong, basketball, home run derby.
Points accrued for each sport played. And the winner would get some sort of prize or trophy.
This year I think I might actually try to organize something, except have it be a couples olympics.
I'm thinking 4 physical challenges starting in the morning on a Saturday - then everyone go home, eat lunch, shower up - nap if you have to then return for 4 mental challenges. And in my mind I've got 4 couples that I think could play.
We could also do something like $25 or $50 from each couple and then at the end of it have the losers hold the party the next weekend or something to congratulate the winners with a trophy and use the money raised to do dinner/drinks.
Ideas for sports, 2 on 2, or played by 2 people for each:
Basketball
Badminton
Tennis
Bocce Ball
Each game (sans Bocce Ball) would be played in a tournament, double elimination format and each sport would be played with a scoring system from 4 to 1, winners score 4, 2nd place gets 3, and so on.
Ideas for mental challenges:
Taboo
Scrabble (Trivia?)
Catch Phrase
Poker
Again with similar scoring to the physical challenges.
Tally up the scores come the end of the night and winner would take home the trophy.
Sounds like an ideal summer Saturday to me...wanted to write this out before I forgot about it. Or maybe I knew if I just went to bed with this idea in my head I'd never get to sleep. That might be part of it too.
Multiple sports/challenges etc. between ultra competitive people/groups.
I thought it would happen between me and other guys. But for some reason never got planned (standard guy stuff).
I figured - maybe some golf, tennis, ping pong, basketball, home run derby.
Points accrued for each sport played. And the winner would get some sort of prize or trophy.
This year I think I might actually try to organize something, except have it be a couples olympics.
I'm thinking 4 physical challenges starting in the morning on a Saturday - then everyone go home, eat lunch, shower up - nap if you have to then return for 4 mental challenges. And in my mind I've got 4 couples that I think could play.
We could also do something like $25 or $50 from each couple and then at the end of it have the losers hold the party the next weekend or something to congratulate the winners with a trophy and use the money raised to do dinner/drinks.
Ideas for sports, 2 on 2, or played by 2 people for each:
Basketball
Badminton
Tennis
Bocce Ball
Each game (sans Bocce Ball) would be played in a tournament, double elimination format and each sport would be played with a scoring system from 4 to 1, winners score 4, 2nd place gets 3, and so on.
Ideas for mental challenges:
Taboo
Scrabble (Trivia?)
Catch Phrase
Poker
Again with similar scoring to the physical challenges.
Tally up the scores come the end of the night and winner would take home the trophy.
Sounds like an ideal summer Saturday to me...wanted to write this out before I forgot about it. Or maybe I knew if I just went to bed with this idea in my head I'd never get to sleep. That might be part of it too.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I can't not not
I don't know what my problem is.
I can't put together a post.
I get about 3 or 4 paragraphs in...then read it. Then decide it's terrible. Then click "save now" and hope to find some inspiration later to finish it.
Luckily this isn't one of those posts.
After a few big life news items today - luckily none of them happening directly to me I can't not not write.
I had to say something.
It was one of those days where unfortunately the saddest of news gives you the best of perspective.
And for those in the know and wondering - no it's not just that. Someone close - and too young to die - is approaching it all too quickly.
And it scares the heck out of me.
So the question for today was - why waste my life?
Why not be as healthy as I can be?
Why not have fun?
Why not.
I feel like I've been in a haze for over 6 months. I'm not sure what happened to me. And - because of that fog I haven't been able to write. I haven't had topics or points I wanted to make. Epiphanies.
So tonight the points is this...and it's not the "live every day like it was your last". No. Completely exhausting. And definitely way too expensive for me.
For this moment it is: Are you wasting your time doing what you are currently doing? Reading this blog is probably a waste of your time - it's a silly outlet for me though. Good way to get things out of my brain and relax a bit before having to toss and turn in bed.
Seriously though - why are you wasting your time? Are you watching the clock? The calendar? Are you waiting for someone or something?
Because it can be that quick. It can be a diagnosis and gone. It can be a few words and done. It can be a mid sized sedan running a red light and hurling towards a t-bone with a half ton truck. And yes - I witnessed all of these in the past 2 days so all the images are fresh.
And in those moments - the ones that don't come so quickly, you shouldn't have to to question yourself - Where did it all go? What happened to me?
Or even if you do, hopefully you have answers you are satisfied with.
I can't put together a post.
I get about 3 or 4 paragraphs in...then read it. Then decide it's terrible. Then click "save now" and hope to find some inspiration later to finish it.
Luckily this isn't one of those posts.
After a few big life news items today - luckily none of them happening directly to me I can't not not write.
I had to say something.
It was one of those days where unfortunately the saddest of news gives you the best of perspective.
And for those in the know and wondering - no it's not just that. Someone close - and too young to die - is approaching it all too quickly.
And it scares the heck out of me.
So the question for today was - why waste my life?
Why not be as healthy as I can be?
Why not have fun?
Why not.
I feel like I've been in a haze for over 6 months. I'm not sure what happened to me. And - because of that fog I haven't been able to write. I haven't had topics or points I wanted to make. Epiphanies.
So tonight the points is this...and it's not the "live every day like it was your last". No. Completely exhausting. And definitely way too expensive for me.
For this moment it is: Are you wasting your time doing what you are currently doing? Reading this blog is probably a waste of your time - it's a silly outlet for me though. Good way to get things out of my brain and relax a bit before having to toss and turn in bed.
Seriously though - why are you wasting your time? Are you watching the clock? The calendar? Are you waiting for someone or something?
Because it can be that quick. It can be a diagnosis and gone. It can be a few words and done. It can be a mid sized sedan running a red light and hurling towards a t-bone with a half ton truck. And yes - I witnessed all of these in the past 2 days so all the images are fresh.
And in those moments - the ones that don't come so quickly, you shouldn't have to to question yourself - Where did it all go? What happened to me?
Or even if you do, hopefully you have answers you are satisfied with.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Scared
While I was growing up
I used to lay awake in my bed
With the door open
And watch the shadow on the wall leading up the stairs.
My parents would leave the light on in the living room downstairs so it created the same shadow every night on that wall.
I wanted to make sure for as long as I could that no one - or no thing was coming up those stairs. And if they were I wanted to be ready. There were so many nights where I would do my best to fight off sleep. I was so...afraid.
And even to this day, some nights those same fears keep me up.
It's tougher here though, in this house. It's a much bigger house with less people living in it. And a few things have happened here which have really scared the hell out of me. I keep the mag lite and a louisville slugger under the bed for protection and have only had to pull them out from under the bed a couple times.
Part of me thinks that this might have been some old ancient burial ground that they built our house on. We have a pond in the backyard and it might possibly have been a good place for early pioneers or possibly Native Americans to settle. Maybe someone forcibly drowned another person in that shallow water or they found a few graves when digging the foundation for the house. Who knows.
What I do know is that my wife talks a lot more in her sleep here than anywhere else. And I have the most horrifying nightmares here too. Much worse than I ever remember having in any other living space. Some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know I might wake up drenched in sweat, or screaming.
The following things you will read have really happened to my wife and me. I am not making any of this up - and the only reason I am writing this now is because something happened yesterday that has really bothered me. Some things I can just write off - or hopefully move past, but the brain likes to see patterns in things...
Major Incident 1: It is 2007. The wife and I are sound asleep one night when she suddenly jolts me out of sleep. She puts her hand over my mouth and shushes me and tells me to listen. She thinks there is someone in the house. Someone downstairs. I can hear it - it definitely sounds like voices.
Oh Shit. I think to myself. This is the real thing - what I've been worried about for years, someone breaking in to the house. I grab the flashlight and the bat and put my ear to the bedroom door to make sure whoever is in our house is not close - but I can still hear the commotion going on downstairs.
I open the bedroom door slowly and quietly, and actually try to listen harder. I can't make out what the voices are saying. I yell, "It's somebody in here?" The wife is hiding behind the 2nd unopened door of our bedroom and peeking out. I get no response.
I bound down the stairs stomping on them (hoping to scare anyone away) and when I get down there I finally figure out what's going on. There is some faint music playing - and immediately (this is how effed my mind is in this situation) I think that whoever is in the house has turned on our music docking station to drown out the sound of them moving around the house. I am now even more freaked out.
I yell up to the wife, "The docking station is on".
"Go check it out!" she yells down to me.
So I slowly walk towards the hallway light and turn it on. I see no movement, no shadows. I walk in to the living room and see that the ipod is for some reason playing and there's no one in the house to be found. I check all the doors and windows to see if they're still closed and locked. No trace of anyone. I look for the remote and there it is, sitting on top of the end table - no way that it could have accidentally turned itself on. I turn off the docking station.
This situation most people I think would just chalk up to random electronic surges, or something weird going on with the ipod. But every year that passes by where this doesn't occur again (it has never randomly turned on again) is another year that this situation freaks me out even more.
Minor Incident 1: I mentioned my wife talks a lot more in her sleep here. Recently she told me that while she was in bed she saw a lifelike person with horns on their head standing next to her in our bedroom. For some reason she thought it might have been me - but when she spoke to it and said, "Honey" (assuming it was me) and she got no response is when she freaked out. It was dark and she couldn't make out who it was but when I came home from a rec league game that night is when she came to the full realization that it wasn't me.
Minor Incident 2: Hearing things. I like to shower at night, in my own bathroom. That way I can stay up without having bother the wife while she's sleeping. One night before I hopped in to the shower I heard the sound of a little girl crying. It was very faint - a soft sob. This one I thought could possibly be our neighbors right next to us. My bathroom is one of the closest rooms to our neighbors - but when I think about how I can't hear our neighbors talk every day, or maybe even hear one of their TVs or radios while I'm in that bathroom - knowing what I heard that night is creepy.
Major Incident 2: I vacuum the house about once a month. I really take pride in how clean the house is and especially with how straight my vacuum lines are. Yesterday I vacuumed the house and this morning I was looking at the carpet and noticed what looked like some sort of hoof print in my carpet. Just one print. Out of nowhere. I took a picture of the print in my carpet - it's much easier to see in person because of the compression of the carpet there.
Can you see it? It's about 6 inches from the wall on the left, right in the middle of the picture - and there are 4 little markings which I'm assuming could be toes/claws of some sort.
After I found this marking is when I decided I had to write this post. A few things that have happened here haven't really bothered me - but this latest issue almost has me convinced that there is something going on inside this house.
Whatever it is, nothing terrible has happened to us so far. I don't want to believe in paranormal activity - I always think all of those ghost hunter shows on TV are fake - but after experiencing these things first hand it might be hard to keep ignoring it.
If anything else happens here that's out of the ordinary I'll be sure to let everyone know.
I used to lay awake in my bed
With the door open
And watch the shadow on the wall leading up the stairs.
My parents would leave the light on in the living room downstairs so it created the same shadow every night on that wall.
I wanted to make sure for as long as I could that no one - or no thing was coming up those stairs. And if they were I wanted to be ready. There were so many nights where I would do my best to fight off sleep. I was so...afraid.
And even to this day, some nights those same fears keep me up.
It's tougher here though, in this house. It's a much bigger house with less people living in it. And a few things have happened here which have really scared the hell out of me. I keep the mag lite and a louisville slugger under the bed for protection and have only had to pull them out from under the bed a couple times.
Part of me thinks that this might have been some old ancient burial ground that they built our house on. We have a pond in the backyard and it might possibly have been a good place for early pioneers or possibly Native Americans to settle. Maybe someone forcibly drowned another person in that shallow water or they found a few graves when digging the foundation for the house. Who knows.
What I do know is that my wife talks a lot more in her sleep here than anywhere else. And I have the most horrifying nightmares here too. Much worse than I ever remember having in any other living space. Some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know I might wake up drenched in sweat, or screaming.
The following things you will read have really happened to my wife and me. I am not making any of this up - and the only reason I am writing this now is because something happened yesterday that has really bothered me. Some things I can just write off - or hopefully move past, but the brain likes to see patterns in things...
Major Incident 1: It is 2007. The wife and I are sound asleep one night when she suddenly jolts me out of sleep. She puts her hand over my mouth and shushes me and tells me to listen. She thinks there is someone in the house. Someone downstairs. I can hear it - it definitely sounds like voices.
Oh Shit. I think to myself. This is the real thing - what I've been worried about for years, someone breaking in to the house. I grab the flashlight and the bat and put my ear to the bedroom door to make sure whoever is in our house is not close - but I can still hear the commotion going on downstairs.
I open the bedroom door slowly and quietly, and actually try to listen harder. I can't make out what the voices are saying. I yell, "It's somebody in here?" The wife is hiding behind the 2nd unopened door of our bedroom and peeking out. I get no response.
I bound down the stairs stomping on them (hoping to scare anyone away) and when I get down there I finally figure out what's going on. There is some faint music playing - and immediately (this is how effed my mind is in this situation) I think that whoever is in the house has turned on our music docking station to drown out the sound of them moving around the house. I am now even more freaked out.
I yell up to the wife, "The docking station is on".
"Go check it out!" she yells down to me.
So I slowly walk towards the hallway light and turn it on. I see no movement, no shadows. I walk in to the living room and see that the ipod is for some reason playing and there's no one in the house to be found. I check all the doors and windows to see if they're still closed and locked. No trace of anyone. I look for the remote and there it is, sitting on top of the end table - no way that it could have accidentally turned itself on. I turn off the docking station.
This situation most people I think would just chalk up to random electronic surges, or something weird going on with the ipod. But every year that passes by where this doesn't occur again (it has never randomly turned on again) is another year that this situation freaks me out even more.
Minor Incident 1: I mentioned my wife talks a lot more in her sleep here. Recently she told me that while she was in bed she saw a lifelike person with horns on their head standing next to her in our bedroom. For some reason she thought it might have been me - but when she spoke to it and said, "Honey" (assuming it was me) and she got no response is when she freaked out. It was dark and she couldn't make out who it was but when I came home from a rec league game that night is when she came to the full realization that it wasn't me.
Minor Incident 2: Hearing things. I like to shower at night, in my own bathroom. That way I can stay up without having bother the wife while she's sleeping. One night before I hopped in to the shower I heard the sound of a little girl crying. It was very faint - a soft sob. This one I thought could possibly be our neighbors right next to us. My bathroom is one of the closest rooms to our neighbors - but when I think about how I can't hear our neighbors talk every day, or maybe even hear one of their TVs or radios while I'm in that bathroom - knowing what I heard that night is creepy.
Major Incident 2: I vacuum the house about once a month. I really take pride in how clean the house is and especially with how straight my vacuum lines are. Yesterday I vacuumed the house and this morning I was looking at the carpet and noticed what looked like some sort of hoof print in my carpet. Just one print. Out of nowhere. I took a picture of the print in my carpet - it's much easier to see in person because of the compression of the carpet there.
Can you see it? It's about 6 inches from the wall on the left, right in the middle of the picture - and there are 4 little markings which I'm assuming could be toes/claws of some sort.
After I found this marking is when I decided I had to write this post. A few things that have happened here haven't really bothered me - but this latest issue almost has me convinced that there is something going on inside this house.
Whatever it is, nothing terrible has happened to us so far. I don't want to believe in paranormal activity - I always think all of those ghost hunter shows on TV are fake - but after experiencing these things first hand it might be hard to keep ignoring it.
If anything else happens here that's out of the ordinary I'll be sure to let everyone know.
Monday, April 12, 2010
This title intentionally left blank
I am having the hardest time putting up blog posts.
I don't even know if I'll post this.
I have written 4 new and unexciting blog posts over the past month and a half and when I read them I am just disappointed.
I'm at this weird point right now where I can do anything I want to during the day and I really...just...don't. I'm just waiting for my acceptance of my job offer to be accepted (yes, really) and then it will be back to work.
But for now, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. The typical stuff I put up is just not good enough...for me. Even this post is pure crap.
Ack.
You know what I realized tonight as the basketball team I played on got blown out by 20 points?
I realized that in trying to be good at a lot of things I've not become good at anything.
What a terrible freaking realization. And now I've come to a point in my life where I don't think I really have the time or dedication to become really great at something.
As usual I'm probably over thinking my life.
But it definitely leads to questions of: What did I do with my life? What was special about me? How did I leave the world a better place because I was in it?
Yes. That kind of stuff. And if I just go about as mediocre boy what good will that do?
All questions you can't answer.
Bah.
I don't even know if I'll post this.
I have written 4 new and unexciting blog posts over the past month and a half and when I read them I am just disappointed.
I'm at this weird point right now where I can do anything I want to during the day and I really...just...don't. I'm just waiting for my acceptance of my job offer to be accepted (yes, really) and then it will be back to work.
But for now, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. The typical stuff I put up is just not good enough...for me. Even this post is pure crap.
Ack.
You know what I realized tonight as the basketball team I played on got blown out by 20 points?
I realized that in trying to be good at a lot of things I've not become good at anything.
What a terrible freaking realization. And now I've come to a point in my life where I don't think I really have the time or dedication to become really great at something.
As usual I'm probably over thinking my life.
But it definitely leads to questions of: What did I do with my life? What was special about me? How did I leave the world a better place because I was in it?
Yes. That kind of stuff. And if I just go about as mediocre boy what good will that do?
All questions you can't answer.
Bah.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Interviews
We've been home for 2 weeks and 2 days.
I say we so naturally. As if my wife and dog are somehow writing this blog too.
I have been home for 2 weeks and 2 days.
During that time I have had 2 interviews.
I have had one call back telling me that although I am "a perfect candidate for the position" they "can't hire me because the salary is too low". Supposedly if I take a job at half of what I was making in my last job I'm bound to leave for something more within 3-6 months.
They must not know me very well.
Or
They must not know how large of a fan I am of interviewing. Because I am basically the guy who pays for floor seats with the big foam #1 finger - body fully painted in Interview's teams colors. Yes, that is me. At least when I spill my beer it is on the floor in front of me because I am a huge fanatic and overpay for the best seats in the house.
For the past few months I have lived a life that many dream of. Few chores to do every day, some errands to run, but free time while getting paid otherwise. Some of that free time has been spent applying to jobs and interviewing for them. Some of it has been spent daydreaming about get rich quick schemes and how if I make X amount of money doing Y then I won't have to work for Z amount of months...
One of the reasons why I like having a job is so that I don't have to apply and interview to other/new jobs. And for those that haven't done it lately - sending off cover letters and resumes in to the great void is just that - some black hole eats 97% of them and the other 3% tell you that you unfortunately earned too much money in a previous life. Bullhonky. Then recruiters tell me that I should follow up with companies that I apply to.
How I do that - I should ask. Because typically I don't have a connection at the company that I'm applying to that could possibly know the hiring manager - which is the person I would assume I would be wanting to call. It's that same old song and dance, where companies are looking for people with experience for the job that they're hiring for when probably the only way to get that experience would be by working the job already. Maybe one day (when I'm working again presumably) I should apply to an opening for my same job and see what happens.
It's amazing that any of us have jobs to begin with given the lack of experience we all started with. Somewhere along the line someone saw the sparkle in your eye and decided they'd take a chance.
So
Dear Hiring Manager(s) of tomorrow morning,
Just give me a chance. I'm a good little worker bee. I promise I'll be there with a smile on my face every day spouting off my positivity and improving my effectiveness, efficiency and applying your constructive criticism.
I don't want to keep having to apply to and interview for...
Other jobs that are not yours.
End Blog Note: A friend who was laid off from the same position I was in has already been given the extension of unemployment after using the original 6 months. They were given another 6 months at the same rate of pay. Knowing this I can continue surviving on unemployment until November 2010.
But I don't want to.
I say we so naturally. As if my wife and dog are somehow writing this blog too.
I have been home for 2 weeks and 2 days.
During that time I have had 2 interviews.
I have had one call back telling me that although I am "a perfect candidate for the position" they "can't hire me because the salary is too low". Supposedly if I take a job at half of what I was making in my last job I'm bound to leave for something more within 3-6 months.
They must not know me very well.
Or
They must not know how large of a fan I am of interviewing. Because I am basically the guy who pays for floor seats with the big foam #1 finger - body fully painted in Interview's teams colors. Yes, that is me. At least when I spill my beer it is on the floor in front of me because I am a huge fanatic and overpay for the best seats in the house.
For the past few months I have lived a life that many dream of. Few chores to do every day, some errands to run, but free time while getting paid otherwise. Some of that free time has been spent applying to jobs and interviewing for them. Some of it has been spent daydreaming about get rich quick schemes and how if I make X amount of money doing Y then I won't have to work for Z amount of months...
One of the reasons why I like having a job is so that I don't have to apply and interview to other/new jobs. And for those that haven't done it lately - sending off cover letters and resumes in to the great void is just that - some black hole eats 97% of them and the other 3% tell you that you unfortunately earned too much money in a previous life. Bullhonky. Then recruiters tell me that I should follow up with companies that I apply to.
How I do that - I should ask. Because typically I don't have a connection at the company that I'm applying to that could possibly know the hiring manager - which is the person I would assume I would be wanting to call. It's that same old song and dance, where companies are looking for people with experience for the job that they're hiring for when probably the only way to get that experience would be by working the job already. Maybe one day (when I'm working again presumably) I should apply to an opening for my same job and see what happens.
It's amazing that any of us have jobs to begin with given the lack of experience we all started with. Somewhere along the line someone saw the sparkle in your eye and decided they'd take a chance.
So
Dear Hiring Manager(s) of tomorrow morning,
Just give me a chance. I'm a good little worker bee. I promise I'll be there with a smile on my face every day spouting off my positivity and improving my effectiveness, efficiency and applying your constructive criticism.
I don't want to keep having to apply to and interview for...
Other jobs that are not yours.
End Blog Note: A friend who was laid off from the same position I was in has already been given the extension of unemployment after using the original 6 months. They were given another 6 months at the same rate of pay. Knowing this I can continue surviving on unemployment until November 2010.
But I don't want to.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Old Dog New Tricks
My parents have really impressed me over the past 2 years.
I've always thought they were old - out of touch.
You know, the whole saying, "Can't teach an old dog new tricks."
Well, I guess with older people who are willing - this is not true at all. My dad is really old - to me. He turns 63 this coming May.
And over the past year he's picked up a few things (along with my mom).
1) Texting. I remember the day we all got new phones on our family plan. I convinced my parents to sign up for texting for all of us since I am such an advocate of texting. I mean really, why do you have to call someone when all you need to say to them is one or two sentences? And saying goodbye is so annoying sometimes. Usually I just like to get my point across and be done with it. Thank you texting.
My dad was so excited to learn how to text. There we were sitting in the T-mobile store dorkily (hah at that word) texting each other back and forth so he could get the hang of it. Now I think my dad would rather text me too instead of calling - I have received more texts from him recently than calls. For him to get texting on a 10 key too (vs. an actual keyboard on a crackberry or iphone) is amazing to me - I mean, I just think about the kind of technological advances that he's seen over his lifetime - and for him to keep up and actually enjoy something like this is outstanding.
2) Facebook. Part of me still wishes that the book was still for college kids. But I knew they had to expand and with that came the parents interest in it. My parents (mainly my mom) now upload photos, tag their friends, provide status updates and comment on others. And they have no problem understanding it at all. I think that is what impressed me the most about it - I didn't have to teach them at all about even how to create an account on FB. They just did it. And yes, sure I have to be careful with what I post now - but with as many people that had access to my account I should've been careful to begin with.
3) Online poker for my dad. When my parents visited us here in Charleston during the holidays I got him started on it. I figured it was cheaper and he wouldn't have to drive anywhere to get his gambling itch in. And hopefully if he was good enough he could make some extra money too. And so far, he's loved it. Unfortunately he's not that good of a player but he's interested in learning from me (has watched me play a few tournaments already). So I'm hoping it's a steep learning curve - almost every other day I'm calling or texting him now and trying to teach him something new.
So for those of you who are afraid of your parents being part of it - don't be. With my parents wanting to be part of everything new and technologically advanced, I've never felt closer to them. Since they can connect with me like I connect with the rest of my friends it's really meant a lot to me, and I'm sure it's the same for them.
Also, just because you continue to age doesn't mean you can't continue to grow mentally. I pray that I am as open to the things to come over the next 30 years as my parents are.
I've always thought they were old - out of touch.
You know, the whole saying, "Can't teach an old dog new tricks."
Well, I guess with older people who are willing - this is not true at all. My dad is really old - to me. He turns 63 this coming May.
And over the past year he's picked up a few things (along with my mom).
1) Texting. I remember the day we all got new phones on our family plan. I convinced my parents to sign up for texting for all of us since I am such an advocate of texting. I mean really, why do you have to call someone when all you need to say to them is one or two sentences? And saying goodbye is so annoying sometimes. Usually I just like to get my point across and be done with it. Thank you texting.
My dad was so excited to learn how to text. There we were sitting in the T-mobile store dorkily (hah at that word) texting each other back and forth so he could get the hang of it. Now I think my dad would rather text me too instead of calling - I have received more texts from him recently than calls. For him to get texting on a 10 key too (vs. an actual keyboard on a crackberry or iphone) is amazing to me - I mean, I just think about the kind of technological advances that he's seen over his lifetime - and for him to keep up and actually enjoy something like this is outstanding.
2) Facebook. Part of me still wishes that the book was still for college kids. But I knew they had to expand and with that came the parents interest in it. My parents (mainly my mom) now upload photos, tag their friends, provide status updates and comment on others. And they have no problem understanding it at all. I think that is what impressed me the most about it - I didn't have to teach them at all about even how to create an account on FB. They just did it. And yes, sure I have to be careful with what I post now - but with as many people that had access to my account I should've been careful to begin with.
3) Online poker for my dad. When my parents visited us here in Charleston during the holidays I got him started on it. I figured it was cheaper and he wouldn't have to drive anywhere to get his gambling itch in. And hopefully if he was good enough he could make some extra money too. And so far, he's loved it. Unfortunately he's not that good of a player but he's interested in learning from me (has watched me play a few tournaments already). So I'm hoping it's a steep learning curve - almost every other day I'm calling or texting him now and trying to teach him something new.
So for those of you who are afraid of your parents being part of it - don't be. With my parents wanting to be part of everything new and technologically advanced, I've never felt closer to them. Since they can connect with me like I connect with the rest of my friends it's really meant a lot to me, and I'm sure it's the same for them.
Also, just because you continue to age doesn't mean you can't continue to grow mentally. I pray that I am as open to the things to come over the next 30 years as my parents are.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
February Rando
Sup
Here is your random post for February. My favorite month in regards to the spelling of the actual month.
Mainly because I like to pronounce like it is spelled - because it always helped me in spelling it correctly.
Feb brew airy
The wife is gone on a business trip and will be gone until next Tuesday. It'll be the 2nd longest we've ever been apart from each other.
So out of the almost 6 years we've been together - all 2068 days - we've been apart from each other 25 days. That means we're apart from each other 1.2% of the time. That's pretty awesome.
I like math.
You know how they say you're not supposed to drink and sit in a hot tub? Something about dehydration? Does the same thing apply to hot showers? I hope not. Because I like doing that. Having a few drinks then taking a hot shower.
There are so many things which are better after having a few drinks:
-Chips and salsa (guacamole)
*I made homemade guacamole tonight. It was ghetto.
Here's how I made it:
2 avocados
5 spoonfulls of sour cream
A dump of salsa
It was like Sandra Lee had possessed me and made me lazy? I don't know. Chopping onions and tomatoes just didn't sound too awesome at that point. Especially when I had a recently cooked BLT waiting for me...cooling quietly on the table as I watched on with salivating mouth.
And what's the deal with Semi-home made anyway? Semi implies that it is half made at home. But everything she makes is 100%, completely and entirely made in her home. I don't see her making it in a grocery store and then bringing it home to complete it. So many misnomers out there that no one really cares about - because they just don't want to put in the effort.
Corn.
You know what would be cool? Giving a portable pandora station to someone as a gift. Imagine a small wireless enabled flash drive stick which you could put 10 stations on. I don't know why I said gift - maybe because giving things typically makes them more awesome.
I realized at a recent concert that I went to after admitting it to a friend...We were talking about the show "hoarders". Have you seen this show? It is absolutely terrible. I guess they showed an episode where a woman collected her excrement. So sick. But then I was thinking about it - and I am a digital media hoarder. I have kept every email since the invention of gmail. I have kept most of my photos and I have kept all of my music. I guess it's because it doesn't really take up real life "space". It just sits and waits for me.
And if you digitally hoard like me - take some time out every few months, or maybe once a year and go back through some of your old stuff. It's highly enjoyable. Or maybe not for you. But for me it is. And that's why I save it.
CRTL + S.
That's it for now.
Here is your random post for February. My favorite month in regards to the spelling of the actual month.
Mainly because I like to pronounce like it is spelled - because it always helped me in spelling it correctly.
Feb brew airy
The wife is gone on a business trip and will be gone until next Tuesday. It'll be the 2nd longest we've ever been apart from each other.
So out of the almost 6 years we've been together - all 2068 days - we've been apart from each other 25 days. That means we're apart from each other 1.2% of the time. That's pretty awesome.
I like math.
You know how they say you're not supposed to drink and sit in a hot tub? Something about dehydration? Does the same thing apply to hot showers? I hope not. Because I like doing that. Having a few drinks then taking a hot shower.
There are so many things which are better after having a few drinks:
-Chips and salsa (guacamole)
*I made homemade guacamole tonight. It was ghetto.
Here's how I made it:
2 avocados
5 spoonfulls of sour cream
A dump of salsa
It was like Sandra Lee had possessed me and made me lazy? I don't know. Chopping onions and tomatoes just didn't sound too awesome at that point. Especially when I had a recently cooked BLT waiting for me...cooling quietly on the table as I watched on with salivating mouth.
And what's the deal with Semi-home made anyway? Semi implies that it is half made at home. But everything she makes is 100%, completely and entirely made in her home. I don't see her making it in a grocery store and then bringing it home to complete it. So many misnomers out there that no one really cares about - because they just don't want to put in the effort.
Corn.
You know what would be cool? Giving a portable pandora station to someone as a gift. Imagine a small wireless enabled flash drive stick which you could put 10 stations on. I don't know why I said gift - maybe because giving things typically makes them more awesome.
I realized at a recent concert that I went to after admitting it to a friend...We were talking about the show "hoarders". Have you seen this show? It is absolutely terrible. I guess they showed an episode where a woman collected her excrement. So sick. But then I was thinking about it - and I am a digital media hoarder. I have kept every email since the invention of gmail. I have kept most of my photos and I have kept all of my music. I guess it's because it doesn't really take up real life "space". It just sits and waits for me.
And if you digitally hoard like me - take some time out every few months, or maybe once a year and go back through some of your old stuff. It's highly enjoyable. Or maybe not for you. But for me it is. And that's why I save it.
CRTL + S.
That's it for now.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Mirror
Tomorrow is my mom's birthday.
Happy Birthday mom.
One of my coworkers once said to me, "You know Seth, I'm in my late 50s. But when I look in to the mirror, I don't see that age. I mean sure, everyone else may see it, and my body and face may look it. But I don't feel like I am that old. When I look right back in to my eyes I still see that 19 year old full of energy."
I haven't had this happen to me yet thankfully.
I still see the same person in the mirror when I look in to it. I'm not having any sort of internal battle on what appears in front of me. But I know we all are getting older so I know that point is coming. For me I don't think I'll reach that point until maybe my late 40s. Hopefully no earlier than then.
People try to fight it with creams, surgery, they'll try anything to slow or reverse the "effects of aging". But how many people are they really fooling? I've always thought that no matter what you can change about your appearance - it still won't change the person you actually are.
I think people can tell when you've really lived. If you've lived a tough life, or just been down for too long. That kind of stuff not only boils a person internally - it usually steams out the top. You can only "put on a happy face" for so long.
I was just thinking about what it must be like to be my mom. Facing another birthday tomorrow - and one closer to the end of her life than the beginning. But I see a lot of life in her. I think if anyone will live to 100 years old it will be her. I wonder who she sees in that mirror?
From what I understand - dogs don't have the mental capacity to look at a reflection, picture or video of themselves and realize it is them. What would our lives be like if we had the same lack of ability? Where the only way we could tell how we looked was from the reaction we received from those viewing us?
Part of me thinks it would make us all much better people. Much less vanity and worry. Stress lines and crows feet would disappear. Or at the least we wouldn't be able to see them. And for some of us out there, we'd save a lot of time. I wonder what the original intent of the inventor of the first mirror was...
Happy Birthday mom.
One of my coworkers once said to me, "You know Seth, I'm in my late 50s. But when I look in to the mirror, I don't see that age. I mean sure, everyone else may see it, and my body and face may look it. But I don't feel like I am that old. When I look right back in to my eyes I still see that 19 year old full of energy."
I haven't had this happen to me yet thankfully.
I still see the same person in the mirror when I look in to it. I'm not having any sort of internal battle on what appears in front of me. But I know we all are getting older so I know that point is coming. For me I don't think I'll reach that point until maybe my late 40s. Hopefully no earlier than then.
People try to fight it with creams, surgery, they'll try anything to slow or reverse the "effects of aging". But how many people are they really fooling? I've always thought that no matter what you can change about your appearance - it still won't change the person you actually are.
I think people can tell when you've really lived. If you've lived a tough life, or just been down for too long. That kind of stuff not only boils a person internally - it usually steams out the top. You can only "put on a happy face" for so long.
I was just thinking about what it must be like to be my mom. Facing another birthday tomorrow - and one closer to the end of her life than the beginning. But I see a lot of life in her. I think if anyone will live to 100 years old it will be her. I wonder who she sees in that mirror?
From what I understand - dogs don't have the mental capacity to look at a reflection, picture or video of themselves and realize it is them. What would our lives be like if we had the same lack of ability? Where the only way we could tell how we looked was from the reaction we received from those viewing us?
Part of me thinks it would make us all much better people. Much less vanity and worry. Stress lines and crows feet would disappear. Or at the least we wouldn't be able to see them. And for some of us out there, we'd save a lot of time. I wonder what the original intent of the inventor of the first mirror was...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Do Nothing A-hole
Sunday night.
The night that many employed people across the world dread.
The last few hours of freedom, then back to the dregs that are the Monday morning rat race.
Every weekday morning I wake up and look up at my ceiling fan. Wishing I hadn't woken up.
Because as soon as I do, it's over. I can't get back to sleep. Well not ever, but most of the time. And it is terribly frustrating just laying in bed and not being able to sleep.
Tonight I was considering sleeping pills to get me through the day. Because right now, there is no point.
I think everyone has it backwards. They dream of being at home all day while they're at work. Imagining their warm and inviting beds. Take it from someone who has had that for over 20 straight days now: It's not that warm, and the invitation wears off pretty quickly.
There is only so much reading, so much internet surfing, video game playing, walking the dog, basketball playing, weight lifting (etc) that you can do to pass the time. All the things you do in your "free time" (the time you would normally spend away from work) cannot fill your entire day forever. And sure it won't be forever - I hope, but at this point I'm stuck.
I'm stuck because I know I'm heading back to Seattle. But won't be doing so for another 42 days. And for those 42 days I've got to figure out how to burn time. How do you burn away over 1/10th of a year and hopefully come out on the other end with something to show for it?
How do I avoid not getting down on myself? I try to have things planned to do every day. I try not to think about things too much or too hard.
But sometimes it doesn't work. Sunday nights for example. Right now I feel like a do nothing asshole and I can't imagine anything better than sleeping through tomorrow morning all the way to dinner time.
I need some black out blinds.
The night that many employed people across the world dread.
The last few hours of freedom, then back to the dregs that are the Monday morning rat race.
Every weekday morning I wake up and look up at my ceiling fan. Wishing I hadn't woken up.
Because as soon as I do, it's over. I can't get back to sleep. Well not ever, but most of the time. And it is terribly frustrating just laying in bed and not being able to sleep.
Tonight I was considering sleeping pills to get me through the day. Because right now, there is no point.
I think everyone has it backwards. They dream of being at home all day while they're at work. Imagining their warm and inviting beds. Take it from someone who has had that for over 20 straight days now: It's not that warm, and the invitation wears off pretty quickly.
There is only so much reading, so much internet surfing, video game playing, walking the dog, basketball playing, weight lifting (etc) that you can do to pass the time. All the things you do in your "free time" (the time you would normally spend away from work) cannot fill your entire day forever. And sure it won't be forever - I hope, but at this point I'm stuck.
I'm stuck because I know I'm heading back to Seattle. But won't be doing so for another 42 days. And for those 42 days I've got to figure out how to burn time. How do you burn away over 1/10th of a year and hopefully come out on the other end with something to show for it?
How do I avoid not getting down on myself? I try to have things planned to do every day. I try not to think about things too much or too hard.
But sometimes it doesn't work. Sunday nights for example. Right now I feel like a do nothing asshole and I can't imagine anything better than sleeping through tomorrow morning all the way to dinner time.
I need some black out blinds.
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