Rando Notes for September Oh Seven

Darn

I didn’t get a chance to write my standard of four posts for this month. So, three will have to do for now. Actually, there’s no going back on this month. So unfortunately three is all we will get.

I’ll try my best to put up five next month. Or some time before the end of this year. Because I know how I get during winter – all emo and full of things to write about. That’s what the dark and cold do to me.

So to start…

I love the movie “Million Dollar Baby”. It’s not only probably in the top 3 “sport” movies for me of all time for me, it’s also probably in my top 10 favorite movies of all time. I haven’t ever written out the list, so I’m not sure what it would include. That movie was just done so well. Every time it’s on TV I take the time to sit through most of it. And the reason I say most of it is because the ending is so sad to me. If I could pick one movie to have a standard American ending it would be that one. Why not let her just outright win the championship and show her and the trainer in a house together sipping lemonade? Could we possibly get an alternate ending to that movie? I hope there is one.

Anyway, it was on CBC tonight (go figure, canucks) so I had to watch it up until the championship fight…Then I had to turn it off. But before I was writing this, it bothered me because I knew what was going to happen (I’ve seen it only entirely once, and up until the championship fight at least 3 times) after the championship bout. And it bothered me that I knew what was going to happen. And I refused to watch it. Look at me, I’ve got movie denial…such a nerd…

If you haven’t seen it, please go rent it. Even if you’re not a fan of boxing I’m sure you’ll love it. I’ve tried my best not to spoil it for those that haven’t seen it.

You know what I find silly? People that complain about gas prices. We have some of the cheapest gas prices in the world. People should travel over to Europe or Japan and see how much a gallon of gas is there. Then they can come back and be happy about how cheap our gas is.

Here is my rant about gas complainers – and yes, if you use it for small talk, that’s fine. I understand. Just like the weather, almost everyone has to experience it. S’all good. However, if you are a typical gas price complainer here is a list for you:

1) Have you ever figured out what the difference is when gas prices are “expensive” to you versus “cheap”? For me, I consider $2.70 per gallon of premium “cheap” right now and $3.50 per gallon “expensive”. My car takes 13 gallons of gas and I fill up every 2 weeks. Over an entire year the difference for me between what I consider a “cheap” price and an “expensive” price is: $270.40. For the math nerds out there (like I used to be): (52 weeks per year / 2 weeks) X 13 gallons X $.80/gallon. That’s it! $270 a year! You probably spent that much drinking or smoking or gambling in a month! What the hell are you complaining about $300 a year for!

2) If you seriously are complaining about gas, you either a) drive a gas guzzler or b) have a ridiculous commute. So c) go get yourself a more fuel efficient car (that’s probably better for the environment anyway) and d) move closer to where you work, or drive less and carpool or ride the bus. Again, this is $300 to maybe $2000 a year we’re talking about. In my opinion you shouldn’t be filling up your gas tank more than once every 5 days. And if you are then you need to get a bicycle or something.

3) Darn, I wish I had another point. Look at me, I’m complaining about complainers. I’m going to shut up now.

What’s the deal with Olive Garden? They know everyone goes for their endless salad and breadsticks. And they advertise that “when I’m there I’m family”. Well, when I eat with my family I eat until I am sick usually. And I don’t have to wait. The food is on the table, I can grab whatever I want and munch down. Endless salad and bread sticks…please. I’ve noticed with the breadsticks they’ll start you off with 150% of what you would like. 2 people in your group? Here’s 4 breadsticks. 4 people? Here, have 6. But after that initial bread stick run? The amount of stickage diminishes. Suddenly you’re at a 75% level. 2 breadsticks for 2 people? C’mon! By the time you drop them off they’re gone already! 3 breadsticks for 4 people? That’s just not right.

Oh and the salad. Seriously, count how many times you get salad when you go. I’ve found that that third salad is almost impossible to get. Like the breadsticks they come out fast and full the first time around. Then the 2^nd one barely comes about 25 minutes later. And the third one I think they’re just hoping you’ll leave with your andes mints and forget about the extra salad. Seriously, the advertising is false. Change your shit Olive Garden. And quit putting hair in my fettucine alfredo. Ok thanks.

Honestly, I believe that somewhere in the kitchen they have a graph of # of breadsticks to be given/amount of time to wait for each salad bowl vs. # of people per table. They say they send people to cooking school in italy when they become chefs for Olive Garden. I believe that they just send them to Shoreline Community college to get them to memorize this graph. Boo on you guys, give me more breadsticks. $15 for pasta? That alone is worth my proper fill of endless something. Jeez.

Do you ever wonder about where you would be right now if you stayed with a certain someone? Of course, there are always reasons why one relationship didn’t work out over the other. But on drives home at night on cold nights like these my mind begins to wander. Where would I be right now if everything had worked out with one of my exes? For some reason the image I keep getting is renting some apartment near or in Seattle. And not doing the job I’m doing right now. The thing I guess I keep questioning is whether or not I am happier in that imaginary “what if” life – but I can never know because I’m not living that life. Eh – just messing with myself.

I have a $50 gift card at Amazon that I got for doing this wellness assessment thing. Having money at amazon is so tough. Literally you can buy so much – there’s so many cool things on that site. Books I want to read, DVDs I want towatch, music and random pieces of junk I think would amuse me for more than their worth…It’s been tough. I’ve had the gift certificate for the past 2 weeks and can’t make my mind up. I’ve spent about 6 hours on the site just browsing, reading reviews – and yes, I am crazy. I write myself notes about what I want and why. And then I get to thinking about it and maybe I shouldn’t buy it…so I talk myself out of it…out of spending a gift card! Seriously I should go see a psychiatrist…

Halo 3 came out this past Tuesday. I traded in a few games for it and only paid $10 to get it. I am happy that I only had to pay $10 because for me, that’s what video games are worth. On Saturday during the day while I was looking for things to do (since the Huskies played that night – Way to go Russo, fumbling that punt return! Jeez – Locker connect more passes and we win that game! We were so close to beating #1 USC, but lost 24 to 27) I pulled up my Halo 3 and could only put in about 30 minutes of it. I hate playing by myself. I hate when I feel like it’s me against all of these enemies. Luckily they’ve got a co-op program where I can play with my buddies online and then I don’t feel so lonely. How did I get through this as a kid all cooped up in my room and playing video games on my own? I’m so dependent on human interaction now…

The shin splints are back again. I am frustrated with myself because I know I won’t be able to go through with my new year’s resolutions. But rarely do I actually attain them. They’re just nice to think about and push for. This year, I wanted to finally consistently dunk a basketball. I had this idea of doing all these plyometrics (sp?), get signed up with a coach and everything and increase my vert 4-5”. It never happened. And yes, I do have 2 months left…but c’mon! 2 months! Turkey is coming…no way I’m going to fly with a turkey in my belly. My second goal was to run the Seattle marathon. I haven’t run longer than 5 miles since about last November. I suck. I’m playing in 2 basketball recreational leagues and one soccer league and my shin splints came back. I love the leagues – they are the reason I run actually – and right now just playing 3 nights a week is enough for me. It’s hard to get up and go for a run when I know the next day I’ll be sprinting up and down the hard woods or turf. I know, plenty of excuses…but I promise I’ll get one in before I die. There, that’s a good enough goal for me.

I sat here for about a minute in silence trying to think of at least one more thing to write and I couldn’t come up with it. There’s the investment stuff but I find that kind of dry. So for now, goodnight.

Soul Killing and Muted Surroundings

This is going to be a somewhat depressing post. But I don’t really care. Because I can’t really afford a psychologist. Nor do I think many of my friends understand. So, the best I can do for myself is this. Write it out.

I should’ve known. I thought I knew. But obviously not. I’ve been through days like this before, but today stung extra for some reason.

What I’m getting at is this: Today, in the stock market, I lost more money in my stocks than I’ll make in a month at work. And I’ve lost more in previous days. Intraday once I took a twenty one thousand dollar swing down. Spelled out for effect. But I didn’t sweat it.

And I’ve still got way more than I need. I’m still up a ridiculous amount. Beyond my wildest dreams. But for the first time I feel like I made a real mistake. I bet against the market and it whipped me. Two put options on Lehman and Bear Stearns. Two companies I thought were going to report terrible earnings because of the sub-prime mess and then get kicked again with either no rate cut, or a rate cut that wasn’t enough.

I saw it coming the whole way. These financials were too big to let the puny sub-prime mess really slow them down. I was thinking way too US based and not enough globally. Regardless, Lehman reported better than expected (bad instead of terrible) and then the Fed continued to cut rates 5 basis points. The double whammy. The stocks shot up and I was trying my best to bandage the bleeding.

And the thing is, when you’re wrong like this, you see immediate results. That’s the problem with the two things regarding money I’ve come to love the most…poker and the stock market. Maybe I should stop playing both at the same time. Maybe that’s too much for me?

Make a bad read against another player on the tables? Say goodbye to your entire chip stack. Make a bet against the market and it shoots up 330 points? Same story.

But the key in both is to not get down. The key in both is to play the game with high quality moves and in the long term be a winner. Even a 51%/49% edge is large enough. However, there are days like today when it seems like everything is moving against you. A poker player that plays “on tilt” loses their mind and gets destructive. I felt a bit of tilt today and started buying things I shouldn’t have which created further losses. Fortunately in poker I’m not betting the house. Unfortunately in the market, I am.

So I was thinking tonight in the shower (where of course my best thinking is done), maybe I put too much on the line. I’ve been feeling way too stressed out by this whole thing, so maybe I should take it all out and just sit back for a little bit. Maybe it wasn’t worth the money I was pouring in to it.

But I know I would miss it. And I know I would crave it. My retirement accounts aren’t enough for me now. Or maybe I’ll look back on this post and wish I had quit. You know the last time I was thinking about this is when I took that huge twenty thousand dollar dive…and if I had jumped off then I would’ve never been where I am today.

So here’s the catch-22 to all of this: To do well at either (specifically the market now) you have to play without emotion. This is the problem. I am not an emotionless person. I start to think about those 20 or so odd days. All those days of waking up at 5:40 am. Getting dressed. Micro waving my lunch. Sitting in those uncomfortable chairs in front of a monitor that is too small for me. For what?

For less than what I lost today in the market.

And right there is where the emotion hits me. I just die inside. My soul dies. On another screen on my laptop with CNBC playing in the background as the market is skyrocketing upwards, the poker table is flashing. It’s my turn and I’ve got 9 2 off suit in the big blind. Check, check, fold. How much can I win playing this anyway? $100? What’s $100 to me right now?

I start to lose sense of reality. And I try to find things to ease the pain. Try to take solace in anything. I watch recordings of my favorite comedy shows. Play with my dog. Hug and kiss my wife a lot. But hardly any of it works. I can’t separate what I do on a daily basis like this and my leisure time. I should be able just to turn off at 3 pm when I get off of work and just let go, relax, and not think about anything.

But that’s unrealistic for me right now.

Today I burned on the couch. Slumped over. TV on. But I couldn’t hear it. During dinner I don’t really think I said a word. Everything was in a haze, and even writing this right now I’m considering not posting it because I can’t figure out exactly what I’m writing or where I’m trying to go.

I wanted to be the cold, heartless, greedy bastard who didn’t care for anything other than the bottom line. I thought I could train myself to be that way. Uncaring about anything else other than my return. On nights like these, it seems pointless to try.

With poker, I got to a point where I was finally comfortable. I can now play at limits where I don’t feel huge swings of emotion. But when I do play at those limits, I feel like I am wasting my time. What fun is it to not feel anything? Right now, in my head the little voice is screaming, “This is just like a drug addict…always searching for the next high…the higher highs”.

And it’s exactly right.

I am going to admit to myself right now…In the stock market I am playing way over my head. In Vegas with poker I usually play over my head. But with Vegas I can leave. And I only had as much cash as was in my bank account. The stock market can take my house if I don’t wake up and start playing properly again. Well, not really take my house but put me in to some proper debt for the next 15 years. Side prayer: Dear Lord, please give me the knowledge to stop when I know I can’t lose any more.

So here I am. Scared, vulnerable and on the verge of an ulcer. I have a hard time getting to sleep, constantly thinking about moves for tomorrow and betting on earnings announcements and interest rate movements. I honestly think that there are a few select people out there who are fearless in these situations. They wake up every day in worse situations than me with more on the line and they come through without a scratch. I’d like to meet some of those people. Ask them where they got their guts.

Because right now I’m in need of some.

Or maybe those are the folks that got eaten up today. The guys who are picking up the second job as a night janitor because they took their shot and missed. I will do everything necessary to not end up like them.

Tomorrow’s another day. And at 6:30 am PST it’s back to battle for me again.

*deep breath*

Gender Speak

First off, I am not apologetic about anything I write here.

If you are offended, or feel that I am generalizing, stereotyping or just plain stupid that’s fine.

The fact that I am starting my blog post like this should be enough by itself to warrant your further reading or not.

Ok, now that the disclaimer is over (can’t believe I even write stuff like that, but whatever) I can continue on with my post.

I honestly can’t believe I haven’t written anything about this before. However, I didn’t read through all of my random notes, but I definitely know I have thought about this, and expressed it to plenty of people before.

This post came about after 2 things happened today. First off, this hilarious article from The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/bro_youre_a_god_among_bros

And secondly, a discussion I had with a female coworker regarding one of her female friends.

She was complaining about how she hates to hang out with this female friend of hers because the friend dominates the conversation. And how she always interrupts my coworker as soon as she starts to say something.

So I told her that she should say something to her about how she feels. And she said she wouldn’t do it.

Which brings me to the point of this post, my theory about men and women – at least men and women near or around my age group.

I believe that in a majority of social groups today, in the 18 to 30 year old category, I find that the glue that holds together these small social groups together is the men of the group. In almost every “friend circle” I have been involved in (not many) and the other ones that I have seen (again, still not that many), the men of the group are the originators – and the women kind of just tag along. They are either girlfriends, or friends of one of the men, or maybe you’ll get that one instance of the girl like PJ from the show “My Boys” (love the show) where she’s just “one of the guys”. In my opinion though, becoming “one of the guys” takes a lot of time and history – it requires a lot of history probably, and more than likely being a tom boy during developmental years. (Not a bad thing).

Some of you may be wondering why I have this theory about social groups, or may be agreeing with me about how social groups in our age range are formed. I think my female coworker provides me with a perfect example of why groups of women more than 2 rarely work.

Well, actually before I get to that, maybe I should just dish up the prime rib before I get to the mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus…

Gender speak was one of my favorite workshops I’ve ever gone through. And go figure, it was all done while I was at work.

Gender speak was a workshop which was supposed to teach us how to successfully deal with the other gender in the workplace. Want to know the only thing I remember from it? And as another disclaimer, I’m not even sure if this is right, but here we go:

Women create a level playing field. At it’s most basic, let’s take Barbie dolls. Little girls play with Barbies and they share. I can just see my sister now (who wasn’t a big fan of dolls – she was actually the tom boy and still today doesn’t get along very well with other women) trying her best to share with a neighbor girl all of her Barbie dolls.

One of them could be Barbie while the other one was Malibu Stacy (was this a Barbie product? Sorry Mattel – lead killer – if not) and guess what? They could ride in Barbie’s hot pink convertible to the mall to talk to Ken! Everything was happy go lucky and everyone was on an equal playing field and as long as things were in balance and harmonious then there was nothing to worry about.

On the flip side, we have the men (boys). The boys my age played with transformers. G.I. Joes. He-man characters. And for each “good guy” there was always an opposite (and now that I look back on it equally awesome) “bad guy”. The decepticons. Snake. Skeletor.

And if you had more than one boy playing, you could never both be on the good side. One had to be He-man on his mighty cat and the other had to Skeletor fighting over the castle of greyskull.

And dependent upon who argued the best, or maybe who got hit with a rock in the head first and went crying home to mommy, that’s who won.

See? Obviously I didn’t learn much. But here’s what I garner from what I remember: Men (boys) need that kind of structure to their social life. They need to know where they stand or rank in a hierarchy of people. Women (girls) need that structure too. However their structure is more flat and they don’t mind if Malibu Stacy wants to drive the convertible back home from the mall instead of Barbie…even though it is her car.

So how have I applied this to my professional career? No idea.

But just looking around at the guy friends I have, I realize that nothing really has changed since we were little kids. But for women, I think they’ve lost their way a bit (which is why I think that men are the glue that holds most of our social groups together).

Let’s start with the men - since I think I am one – and since I know our subject matter the best. By saying that “nothing has changed since we were little kids” I mean that instead of Transformers we have Fantasy Football. Instead of G.I. Joes we have how many shots of alcohol can you throw down in a night without puking?. Instead of He-man and all the other action figures we now have all the toys in the world – gaming consoles, huge TVs with surround sound, fast cars…you name it; I’m sure at least 2 guys are competing over how much one has of it over another guy.

And it’s not even that it has to be materialistic. I’d like to think that I know where I stand with my guy friends and what they all think of me. We all have our different strengths and weaknesses and at all times we’re pointing them out to each other. One may be exceptionally good at baseball, while the other basketball, while one excels at academics and the other is great with the women. And the thing is, we all, as a group of guys, understand this. So that when one of us steps out of line and thinks a little too highly of themselves (which I tend to do often), the group can come together and knock them down a notch – therefore restoring order to the male group hierarchy.

And that hierarchy is what holds it together in my opinion. The things we compete at are just the fillers to continue to hold those spots in order. Because without the order, you have a bit of chaos, which is what I feel women in our age group have gotten themselves in to.

Before I continue on with the women, I’d like to say that men’s position in the hierarchy is not defined in stone. At any time they may move upwards in a certain aspect of their lives, however it will first take a lot of work on their part as an individual, and second it will take the acceptance and recognition from the group that the individual has changed and raised (or lowered) their status. Without both – chaos again.

Now women. We live in a world where comparisons are constantly being made. And in the world that I live in, because of these comparisons, it breeds a better “comfort” zone using the social hierarchy that men adhere to. But remember, little girls wanted things to be fair and equal. Everyone on the same level. But what happens when the levels are strikingly different? What happens when one girl starts to wear Marc Jacob’s sunglasses and citizens jeans? At some point at least one of the women in the group will end up smarter, more beautiful, or have more things than the other women in the group.

And unlike the men, who would typically confront this outlier with verbal barbs and blatant taunting – they tend to just sit back and listen…and smile...and avoid confrontation. Which is exactly the reasoning why groups of women can’t really work in the long run – or why they can never feel “close”. I’m not a woman, but I believe I’ve seen this happen so many times. For women in my age group, it’s almost required that you dump on your so-called “friends” behind their backs. Because it would rude to do it to their faces right? How on earth would you get closer to the “friend” you really want to be friends with unless you share a common thread? The common thread of knocking on another girl because she’s obviously tried to raise her status within the group without really notifying the other girls.

Everything else being equal (in a woman’s world) the only thing left is to differentiate you from the others. Because there are still women out there who are willing to play like girls, and women that have moved on and created their own hierarchy, like the men. And since not all women subscribe to the same thoughts of their social group, you’ve got a real disconnect.

What used to be such a close knit group of girls in high school (or even junior high) has now split in to 3 or even 5 groups of friends – in as small of groups as 2. And the ugliest part of it all is that you’ve got them all smiling and lying through their teeth whenever they all get back together.

I honestly would hope that men aren’t like that. If I don’t like you, you’ll know it. Shit, I don’t even really like some of my guy friends, and that actually makes for a better relationship between us. But for the guys I am really close with, I think we all have a general idea of where we all stand at a given point. Order and peace.

Anyway, I could go on with this subject, maybe I will at a later time. For now, I’m just going to end it abruptly here. I think everyone reading either gets what I am saying or thinks I’m a complete idiot. For you women out there, look at your social groups and try your best to figure out what’s going on. It might help you avoid social turmoil (if that’s not your bag). For the men: $20 bucks says I can beat you at a round of 3 par at Greenlake. Holler. (I can’t believe I ended a post with that - /dork)