Randoctober

I swear if I got paid for a certain worthless skill it would be the ability to combine 2 words in to one.

Even when I completely use 1 word out of the 2 like "October".

Here is a story:

Plain Jane got more plain as she got older. She got more in to routine, more about comfort and security because the world was uncomfortable and scary at times. Unfortunately her best friend Saucy Suzy was all about trying new things. Suzy wanted to see the world - she wanted to step on all 7 continents. She wanted to try every type of food and meet as many people as possible. Plain Jane wanted the same thing on her sandwich every day because she liked it like that. She wanted to keep the same friends because they were always there for her and she knew what to expect from them.

You all know how this story ends. And that's where the story will end.

Sometimes I look at my retirement account balance and then I go car shopping at the same time.

And then I look back at my balance and I look at my dream car - the Audi RS4. And I say...maaannnnnnnn. That is what I say in my head. I want to rent the car for a year and see how I feel about it afterward. I would be willing to pay $850 a month to rent one. So if for some reason someone out there was somehow willing to do a year long lease of their RS4 for $850 a month - then please get in contact with me.

Where do I sign?

I think if I rented it, the feeling would be like renting a house. I would never feel like it was actually mine. And ownership is satisfying. Especially paying off something that you now completely own.

I struggle. Cause the smart thing to do would be to wait another 5-7 years when electric cars are everywhere and then get a super slow car that gets 200 miles on a charge and save $2300 a year on gas (not inflation adjusted for the 5-7 years from now).

But sometimes I hate being smart. And the car would just be for me. It wouldn't be about anyone else. The S4 has always been the car I've wanted - ever since I first found out about it. Sure there are plenty of other cars out there with similar specs, some even for lower cost...but all of the other car manufacturers didn't get it right like they Audi did with theirs.

And sadly as it reads - the car just fits me. I told the wife the other night that sometimes it's embarrassing to get out of my car. I think both of us were actually kind of surprised that:

-I admitted to that
-Somehow I actually cared about what kind of car I drove?

And yes. I don't know why. I should only feel embarrassed because others are judging me - but in this case it might just be me tihnking that other people are judging me - which they might be.

Today on the freeway I was driving behind an old school Acura legend and the driver side door was tied shut and flung halfway open during a hard brake application and the driver had to grab it so it didn't hit any other cars on the freeway. That is definitely open for judging. As in ghetto.

I watched excerpts from this video:

Jay-Z and Buffett

And one thing that always strikes me about Buffett is how quickly he jumps to the "luck" factor. For someone at the top - rarely do I hear that from people I would consider his peers. There's a point at which he admits if he had been born in to different circumstances things would obviously be completely different for him.

But at the same time - at what point do we all find something we are passionate and actually good at? And do we actually believe we have talent due to a few successes which then snowball in to a confidence and possible future successes?

It really could be 70% mental.

Or more.

I suppose knowing that it gives guys like me hope.

This is my current favorite commercial. The faces are just priceless. I'm glad the NBA is back - but I'm still pissed about the Sonics.

I was just sitting there tonight watching opening night imagining what it would've been like to have the Sonics playing the Lakers in the playoffs last year.

And how I'd own a Durant jersey by now.

It's really frustrating. Please bring basketball back to Seattle. The college team is not enough.

Maddening Voice

There's someone talking inside my head.

It's my voice. And sometimes it shuts up - other times like tonight it's talking like it's had a few drinks.

But what it mainly gets at is the questions. Questions that I'm not sure I will ever answer. I have ideas but ideas might take definition er, definitive answers.

I think looking back over this blog - and over my entire life - I set out to not allow people to define me. Yes, they still did define me. And in some ways I let them.

But in other ways I was always trying to stray from the norm. Or what I should have been. But being "different" or being an individual seems like something that everyone else was trying to do. So...what to do in that situation?

I remember sitting there in 9th grade listening to my teacher Ms. Vanderbeck talking about her friends. She said something along the lines of, "You shouldn't know what you want to be or what you want to do with your life at this age. Some of the most interesting people I know still don't know who they are or what they want to do at my age."

And as soon as I heard that it kind of romanticized the idea for me. I would be the guy who never settled on who I was - always changing what I thought about things and redefining my likes/dislikes and opinions. Recreating myself and constantly adding layers to what I had always hoped would be some depth of a person. Which I still try to do to some extent.

But now I'm starting to look in the mirror and sadly enough age is starting to take it's toll on at least my physical appearance. My hair is thinning (I think) - the wrinkle lines are getting longer and deeper and I honestly believe my chest is starting to sag. "Welcome to the club!" my wife said to me while I was complaining about the damage that has been done.

So at what point will I be able to shut myself out or off? When can I throw a stake in the ground and say, "That's it - it's enough. This is who I am and I'm not going to change."

Yes, I've had plenty of epiphany moments where I "figured out" things and kind of changed the course of my life due to it. But I don't think I've ever had a "eureka!" moment where I sat back and said, "This is who I am." I think it might possibly be due to fear. There's a person I would like to be and might project myself as - and maybe that image and who I am currently or will be in the future might never meet. Or maybe even the person I want to be - what if I get there and realize I'm not a fan - what then?

Classic case of over thinking. But it goes on - and the more mundane the daily grind the louder that voice gets. Distractions are only temporary fixes and unfortunately never figuring it out is not an answer I'm sure I'll be able to live with.

But for tonight, I'll have to. If you're completely lost, I am too. Sort of.

See? Maddening.