Inflated Sense of Self

Something I’ve been struggling with lately. Self worth. I like to think that I am worth something. Anything. I also enjoy thoughts of “deserving” things. My logic on it is that actions A, B, C correlate to rewards of D, E, and F. And by already taking those actions (for example doing well in school to get in to a good college and take a specific major that was in demand) would get a quality job which would in turn pay for the rest of my life. And so, over the past week or so, I sat here, waiting to apply for a higher up position, that I definitely felt “qualified” for and in a sense also “deserved”.

Heck, the pay was better, the hours were better, the commute was the same (which is perfect), and the job itself was more challenging. To describe it best, I am the tree currently. If I got this job, I’d be working with the forest. But after a stern “no” from a phone interview with an HR person who didn’t even know what the job was, my life/emotions caved in on itself. So much optimism. So much excitement. Such a feeling of, “Great, I deserve this…I’m moving up…I’ll be making more…every step I take up this ‘ladder’ is going to bring me that much closer to my ultimate goal of retiring early”.

But now I sit, 2 days after the phone interview, scratching my head and knowing exactly what went wrong. I didn’t have the previous experience in the position. That’s what they were looking for. Someone with previous experience. I can’t blame myself for this. In that department, this was a “2nd tier” position out of 3 tiers. What I was told is that someone like me who was outside of the department should maybe consider starting in the 1st tier instead of jumping straight in. What I was told was obviously right. But at the time, and still till today, it stings. But the only reason it does sting, is because I was so hyped up on taking this position. Everyone in the department told me I’d be a good fit. Heck, even my manager did.

Maybe this is the backlash from not getting something I desire? The only way my brain can handle itself is by punishing itself after things like this. I am definitely the type to beat up on myself after failure. With the declination through the interview process, I kept thinking to myself, “Why did I feel like I deserved that position? I did almost nothing to earn it, and yet I felt like it was supposed to be mine?” This is the inflated sense of self that I am referring to the aptly named title of this post. And I was thinking more of this last night.

What we project out to the rest of the world around us is the person that we want everyone to think we are. Yet, how many of us are faking it? And I know this has been over so many times with other writers…through songs…through movies…but what we do and what we own should not define us. But on Monday, I was falling in to that trap. “Wow, if I get this job I’m a step down from becoming a DBA…that’s what I’ve wanted to do since I learned about it in college…2 years out of college and I’m already on my way to doing what I really want to do”. And I’d define myself like that.

“Hi my name’s Seth”
“Nice to meet you Seth, name’s Charlie”
“Same to you Charlie”
“So Seth, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m actually a DBA for a large Insurance Company”

And that would be it. And the rest would speak for itself by the clothes I wore. The car I drove to the house that I lived in with the large TV that I watched. I would never have to say anything because I can just let those things define the person I am. The tastes I have. And here is where my conflict has come up. I don’t want to let any of this define me. I want to decide what defines me. I don’t want to lose the person I am to these things…to my job. And I don’t want to act the same way towards other people. Here is an example of my coworker, my assistant manager, and I jokingly (but halfheartedly serious) doing this yesterday, and it just irks me a bit now that I look back at it.

Coworker: You know that shoe store next to the Best Buy in Lynnwood?
Me: Yeah, ummm…Famous Footwear?
CW: Yeah, that’s the one.
Me: What about it?
CW: Oh, I was just planning on heading there to buy some boots and maybe some heels tonight.
Me: Sounds like a good plan.
Assistant Manager: You’re going to go to Famous Footwear to buy shoes? *incredulous*
Me: *laughs*
CW: Yeah, what about it?
AM: Well, usually they sell cheap, name brand shoes there for about $50 or less.
Me: Yeah, why don’t you spend like $120-$150 on shoes like AM and I do?
CW: Well, I just wanted some cheap boots to wear in this horrible rain.
AM: I’d recommend spending $175 on a high quality pair that will do really well in the rain.
CW: Usually I buy my shoes at target and within a year they’re falling apart.
Me: Of course, that’s the difference between a 3 year old in China making them, and a 5 year old in Thailand. That’s what 2 more years of shoe making experience will do for you.
AM: *laughs* If you come in tomorrow with your famous footwear boots, I will laugh at your lowly peasant shoes.
CW: *laughs* I can’t wait to come in tomorrow after I get my lowly peasant boots.

See? This is the kind of crap that I am talking about. Although we were joking about it here, deep down there is an ingrained mentality that the clothes you wear represent the type of person you are. Sometimes I wonder why I feel like “dressing up” when I go out. Then I think of all the years of my parents telling me not to look like a bum and realize it’s more of a habit…that judgmental side in all of us that’s been passed down…

Ummm, yeah, I had a lot of points I wanted to make…but since it’s so early in the morning, I’m not sure if I touched on any of them. To say the least at this point, I am a bit conflicted with some of my thoughts. Hopefully some of this made sense…