Maddening Voice

There's someone talking inside my head.

It's my voice. And sometimes it shuts up - other times like tonight it's talking like it's had a few drinks.

But what it mainly gets at is the questions. Questions that I'm not sure I will ever answer. I have ideas but ideas might take definition er, definitive answers.

I think looking back over this blog - and over my entire life - I set out to not allow people to define me. Yes, they still did define me. And in some ways I let them.

But in other ways I was always trying to stray from the norm. Or what I should have been. But being "different" or being an individual seems like something that everyone else was trying to do. So...what to do in that situation?

I remember sitting there in 9th grade listening to my teacher Ms. Vanderbeck talking about her friends. She said something along the lines of, "You shouldn't know what you want to be or what you want to do with your life at this age. Some of the most interesting people I know still don't know who they are or what they want to do at my age."

And as soon as I heard that it kind of romanticized the idea for me. I would be the guy who never settled on who I was - always changing what I thought about things and redefining my likes/dislikes and opinions. Recreating myself and constantly adding layers to what I had always hoped would be some depth of a person. Which I still try to do to some extent.

But now I'm starting to look in the mirror and sadly enough age is starting to take it's toll on at least my physical appearance. My hair is thinning (I think) - the wrinkle lines are getting longer and deeper and I honestly believe my chest is starting to sag. "Welcome to the club!" my wife said to me while I was complaining about the damage that has been done.

So at what point will I be able to shut myself out or off? When can I throw a stake in the ground and say, "That's it - it's enough. This is who I am and I'm not going to change."

Yes, I've had plenty of epiphany moments where I "figured out" things and kind of changed the course of my life due to it. But I don't think I've ever had a "eureka!" moment where I sat back and said, "This is who I am." I think it might possibly be due to fear. There's a person I would like to be and might project myself as - and maybe that image and who I am currently or will be in the future might never meet. Or maybe even the person I want to be - what if I get there and realize I'm not a fan - what then?

Classic case of over thinking. But it goes on - and the more mundane the daily grind the louder that voice gets. Distractions are only temporary fixes and unfortunately never figuring it out is not an answer I'm sure I'll be able to live with.

But for tonight, I'll have to. If you're completely lost, I am too. Sort of.

See? Maddening.