CN: Money

For those not in the know, CN = Cliff Notes. Bam. Don't you feel like you're in college now? No? That sucks. It's a nice place.

So, I'm writing from work. Something that I wanted to do, but decided against because I wanted the ability to swear in my posts. I know. This sounds stupid. But getting fired for profanity online is even MORE stupid than censoring myself so I don't lose my job. And just to rub it in everyone's faces, I am making money as I type this. A leisurely activity, to come in to my head and dance around a little bit, and yet I'm getting paid.

Last night, I was bored. I was sad. But you know what the worst part about it was? Throughout the day, I had won roughly $1000. Probably $1067 to be exact. But that extra $67 isn't guaranteed because it's on one of my poker sites, and the other $1000 I've already withdrawn and it will be in my bank account by Friday.

What was/is my problem? (Last night this seemed like a much bigger problem than it does right now at work, after a few hours of sleep). I was sitting in my girlfriend's computer room, thinking "woe is me" listening to Coldplay because of stupid Oktoberfest band that covered "Yellow" which I think is my favorite song by them now...anyway, I got done playing online, and that $1000? I won it playing online blackjack. The thing is, this money is not consistent. It's not like my online poker money, where 98% of the time I win. Poker is slow, guaranteed money. Well, maybe not that slow. I typically average $75-$100 in a 4 hour session of playing. But with blackjack it's different. The money swings are horrendous. And that's what I wanted to write about, was my desensitization (sp...is this even a word?) to money. That's why this post is so aptly titled.

Money has become nothing to me. I don't see the use anymore, other than to pay for things I need and partially enjoy (food, drinks)...but I had realized something pretty crazy last night...that the last purchase of something I wanted...just for me, was around 8 months ago. Brand new Nikes. 100+ Nike Solas'. You know what the worst part about this is? I needed new shoes. I was wearing the same running shoes for about a year and a half. The soles were ripped so that when it rained my socks got wet. The shoelaces were ripped from me wearing them untied. And I ran many many miles in them, and wore them without socks many times also, so they STUNK. But, this is the last materialistic thing I have pucharsed for myself. That and business attire, but that was required by my job, and will be required by any job that I'll be working in from here on out. I swear, this is something about how if you're making a salary, suddenly you're required to never wear sweats again. If I ever start a company that works an office I will allow sweats and pajamas. People shouldn't have to be uncomfortable while at work. Mostly they're already uncomfortable to begin with since they're at work.

Oh, and if you haven't noticed, I am not revising my sentence structure, grammar, spelling, etc. I am free "typing", and if I miss a few words, so be it. The important thing to me is that I'm getting out my ideas. One thing I remember from last night while writing this, is about how anal I am about my materialistic possessions. I've got to have things that people who are "in the know" respect and see as either rare, or even in some cases unobtainable. It's my own way of "standing out". For example, my sister's boyfriend is a manager of Champs sports. After looking at my shoes, he let me know how much he wanted a pair, and was complaining about how hard it was to get them. Indeed, I had found them in October of 2004 and had to wait two months due to a backorder. Once I ran in to someone that had the same shoes as me. It was weird. But, then again I thought the guy had great taste. HAH! So arrogant of me...but out of the thousands of kids I saw at UW with Nikes on, he was the only other person that I ever saw wearing that pair.

And that's the thing. When I'm standing in line one rainy afternoon buying frozen Totino's for dinner, and the woman who had to take her two children with her in her exploder comments on how squeaky and clean my new shoes are and how they look so "comfy"...this does not affect me. I am not flattered by her. She probably owns 30 different pairs of shoes at home, 4-5 of them which she wears, while she complains that she has no shoes to wear, and about how her feet hurt. I also went off on women last night in my disgarded post too. And this was about the point that I did so. I said something like: I hate women. They are all like this. They think, oh I can buy these shoes, and this skirt and this top to match, and for those few minutes, maybe for those few hours I will feel complete. Something will fill that void for me. But, you know what? It never does. I wonder if I will ever meet a woman who is 90% happy with the way she looks, because I have once again proven to myself that the more beautiful I think they are, the more they lack in the self-esteem department. What the hell is wrong with these women? They are completely backwards. But, as the debt piles up on these women, their self-worth gets even further crushed under the burden. Go figure.

Anyway, back to my "gambling" issues. 3 months ago, I saw more cash in one night then I've ever seen in my entire life. 3 weeks ago, I lost most of it in the same city (Las Vegas). To the tune of about $3700 (not including travel and hotel costs). Show me another recent college graduate who can stomach that loss and I'll show you a true gambler. By the time I got home from Vegas, I was over it. It was insane. I knew I had to get back to work, grinding it out like I have been doing so over the past 2 years, and I did. But, maybe that's why I've become bored with it. Because it comes consistently. And anything that is just a constant stream, the game rarely changes...it has become the grind to me. I think that is what is affecting me. Anyone else would be estatic to win $1000 in a day. I used to be.

I really just don't see the point. I think is why. Here I am struggling over purchasing a 21" LCD monitor for $470. Do I need it? No. Do I want it? Of course. Does my want exceed my need that much that I would actually break down and spend some of that money I've made? This is where I'm struggling, because most of the time I say, "No, probably not." I'm the cheapest damn bastard when it comes to myself, but I can throw so much of it away on a whim...in a weekend...on nothing. On chasing action. On being the action junkie that I am. And I know, it sounds like a gambling problem. Sure it might be. But, who quits when they're making $15-$20K of supplemental income a year? Why should I quit? I make 35-50% more per hour doing this than I do at work!

Anyway, this is the funk I am right now. The only time I am happy with my money is if I can spend it on something I need and really "pays for itself" or if I can spend it on someone else to make someone happy. Because that's all I really want to do. After winning last night I was sharing my story with a friend of mine over IM and they were short on bills. I offered to help them out without looking for any repayment (short $36) but was declined. I really, don't really care about it, unless it's making the people I care about happy, that's what I want. And I don't know if that is wrong, or sick, but I would rather buy someone else something that would really enjoy it, rather than for myself. Because all I would do is sit and think about how I didn't need it, and how I could have used the money for something else...

So, yeah. This is my cliff notes post on my deleted money post from last night. Don't you wonder how long the original post of this was? I do. I am already having problems with stupid blogger. Thanks a lot for deleting all that writing last night. Anyway, expect more when I have more to complain/comment/question about. Hope you are all enjoying your work.