Detachment

I feel so far from everyone and everything

Today at work I maybe said 15-20 words to one of my coworkers

And that's when this feeling started to settle in, I'm hoping it will go away soon, but I'm afraid it won't. I drive to work alone every morning. Even if I took the bus, rarely would I meet someone that I could talk to normally on a daily basis.

I can't even hang out one on one with people for more than a few hours. I've lost a lot of my social skills I think. And I think I can see where it might be coming from.

Competition. Everything is a god damned competition to me. The simplest things become games in my head that I've got to win. If it has to do with something between you and I, I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that you are the loser. This attitude doesn't work very well in a casual social setting. I've tricked people in to making competitions of things by "betting on it". Something has always got to be riding on it for it to be worth anything to me. But that's not even it. I feel like it's enticing for others to "bet on it" against me.

Technology. The only time I talk to anyone outside of Michelle it's through email. It's someone reading this blog right now. It's the ICQ I send to my assistant manager who sits less than 5 feet from me. It's Nick chatting with me through IM. It's my cell phone. It's random people finding me on "myspace" and then trying to suddenly catch up on the last 6 years I haven't known them for. I'd say about once every 2 weeks do I actually get to spend quality time with a group of people, and this is important: When we're sober.

Alcohol/Drugs. Could I sit and just have a normal face to face conversation with the people I normally drink with, say, for two hours? I probably could. But it would be much easier if we were drunk or stoned. And to me, that's crazy. I didn't need that before I was however old when I started drinking. When I started drinking, suddenly, wow, I had an excuse to be the wild person I like to be. And most of the time, people are laughing?

I just now realized that wordpad doesn't have any spell check. And on that note, I will stop writing because I am afraid of grammatical and spelling errors. I would write more, but I am stopping. Because what I am writing is depressing. And I don't want to be uncomfortable socially. I don't want to have to drink to have a good time. I want to be able to talk to my friends in person. Short blog post, that's probably the only thing to be happy about. It's almost Tuesday.