Here are my self-censored thoughts on paper: Rando One Liners

Since I was somewhat disturbed at what happened today at work, I was reading through my older blog posts (which make me happy to know that I’ve got a past)

And I found my one liner post. Lots of entertaining one liners at that. And I remembered why I did it – because sometimes I write too much, and sometimes it’s just better to get the point across instead of rambling. So, I’m going to try my best to go for that again. I’ve got way too many things on my plate right now, in my opinion, so getting it all out (dirty) in one liners I think will help a little bit. Here we go. I apologize if there’s not enough of a description to point you in the same direction I’m going. Maybe you need to read between the lines (there’s going to be space there).

Retirement accounts.

Michelle’s retirement account has taken almost 3 weeks to setup, at the least I am frustrated.

Zecco.com is a joke – the company is young – and there’s a reason they offer $0 commission on trades.

I want to max out everyone’s roth. I live for a tax free investing world – or at least Warren Buffet’s.

My dad has lost roughly 1% a year since 2002 in his retirement account.

He could’ve been a millionaire if he had just taken a little bit more risk.

But when retirement looms, as in, it’s less than 7 years away, I might have a lot different mindset about risk.

I believe if I ever get to that point, I will have failed my main goal in life: Retire early + Whoever dies with the most toys wins.

Really? That’s my main goal? I guess – the other stuff will come naturally.

Morale is very low in my department. Another great coworker will be leaving us on April 1^st.

I put up moving cardboard boxes on my cube to make my walls bigger and avoid the others.

I have the smallest bladder out of anyone I know. I am embarrassed when someone is at the urinal peeing as I am walking in, and then I am leaving the urinal even before they are done peeing.

I do not wait. If I feel the slightest urge to pee, I go.

By the time I am done writing this and posting, I will have gone 3 times in 20 minutes. Yes, I drank 40 ounces of water before I sat down and started writing. My body doesn’t think it was a big mistake but the annoyed part of my brain thinks it is.

I am frustrated that I am not just using one sentence in this one liner post.

I have my A+ certification coming up. I am halfway through a 900 page book full of stuff I “kind of” know about already, but will still study my ass off.

I am ahead of schedule.

I am betting Michelle I will lose more weight than her by May 15^th.

To help this bet, I have set a goal to run 100 miles by May 15^th.

I am behind schedule.

I am also led to believe that I have “skinny arms”.

I am eating protein bars, and lifting twice a week now, and am upping the weight every time I go.

It will literally be a miracle if my arms get any bigger.

I get tired working out so much.

I hate having 7 different passwords that I use. Having to scroll through all of them in my head takes up way too much time. No one would want to hack my info anyway.

The Audi dealership sent me this email:

Hi Seth,

I received an e-mail inquiry from you regarding an Audi on December 31, 1969, sent you a response and have not heard back from you yet. Maybe you are not in the market for a car, have bought one already, contacted us by mistake or maybe you really do want a car. So please let me know if I can be of assistance or if you are no longer in the market let me know so I can take you off of our list. At any rate, thanks for giving us an opportunity and I will be happy to help you out any way I can.

First of all, I am not a fan of your comic sans font.

Here is my reply:

December 31^st, 1969? Hilarious, I wasn’t even born yet. Was email even around then yet? I don’t think so.

I am angry with customer service wasting my time. I notice that when I call India – oh and I know when I am – that my average call lasts 4 times as long as it would have if I had dealt with someone here in the states. Is that saving money for your company? PAYPAL?

Enjoy your $20 in fees you’ve charged me since February – PAYPAL.

Definitely not my pal. But somehow I’m paying you? Ingenious company name I guess. No wait, it should be PAYENEMY or PAYADVERSARY

Words in CAPS should not be checked for spelling.

I am a high maintenance employee, therefore I feel sorry for my manager. But not really.

Sometimes I say things when I’ve been drinking and I just get this WTF look on the faces of the people I said it to. It sticks with me. For weeks. Until the next one comes along.

This past one was, “I’m worried about the soul and spirit of this country, I mean look at us! We’re focused on bullshit like YouTube and E! News network. There’s no value in that! The entire time, India, Japan and China are all raising their children putting them through 80 hours of science and math classes a week! We’ll be looking for jobs in the far east in at LEAST 7 years!”

All this as a response to, “Yeah, I love to goof off at work”. Looks of others – stuck in brain – can’t get out – like pine tar on plastic.

I should be going to bed now, but I’m not tired.

Pain, in my leg. Amazing how much a shin splint or just random hurting of knee can cause you to slow – to labor at things you should be “good” at.

It’s hard to improve when your body hates you.

My XBOX will be worthless in 2 months. WTG buyer’s remorse.

I wanted to post a picture of my goals from the nikeplus.com website. But I couldn’t login (see the 7 passwords one liner). I don’t think it’s my fault though – AH – it worked, stupid case sensitive user IDs.