You know, you build and build and build at something for so long – and then when you get there, sometimes it’s kind of just anticlimactic. For the past few months, I’ve been working hard to get in shape, and to pass the A+ test.
Well, I’ve done both, but gone halfway. Ideally I wanted to lose 10 pounds. I lost 5. I wanted to pass the A+ test which is made up of the hardware exam and the operating system exam. I passed hardware.
I wanted to prove to myself that I could be dedicated for long enough that I could it harder and better (that’s what she said) than those before me. My coworker took a year to study and barely passed. I kind of laughed at him because I figured I was more dedicated than him and could focus and study harder than he did and then pass. I was literally 1 or 2 questions away from passing. 30 points on a 900 point test. And that’s what stings. He took a year – I took 2 months and 12 days.
And the silly thing is? I’ve got all the time in the world to do this. Why I pushed myself so hard over the past few months to accomplish these goals, I’m not sure. The long term is the very long term. And the test (these specific tests) will be waiting for me whenever I want to take them. There was no need to rush. It was that stupid competitive side coming out again. Competing with no one but myself – my will power.
And look at me now. Today was my first day “off”. I figure I’ll let myself rest a bit because it started to catch up to me. I was “burning the candle at both ends”. And by that last week – this past week – I couldn’t handle it. I literally gave up on 1) Working out and 2) Studying. I think maybe I just made that “final push” 1 week too early? Or maybe all that pushing ended up knocking me over steps from the finish line?
Regardless – with hours of time available to me today and nothing to do – I felt uncomfortable. After a few “hard core” months of working at a few things – I didn’t know what to do with myself. Suddenly the urge to study or work out – or that cloud that has hung over my head the past few months – wasn’t there anymore. And the weird thing was – I felt awkward as myself, which is just hard to explain.
I kept saying, “Oh man, I can’t wait until I’m done with this test. I’m just going to sit back, relax, don’t worry about a thing”. Maybe it’s too early now to feel that way? Maybe it’s like that first week of summer all over again – you know that week or couple of weeks you take right at the beginning of summer to get used to the notion that all the time in the world is yours – you don’t have to go back to school on Monday. That first weekend – you realize that on Monday you don’t have to go back. You don’t have any homework or projects that are going to be graded. And for me, it always took a couple Mondays – and finally around July 4th is when I used to get in to the “summer groove”.
Finally, I realized that I could just “hang” and watch the days fly by doing whatever I wanted to until Labor Day rolled around again and it was time to head back to school. I wanted so badly to relax today. The best I got was a 20 minute nap. I sat down at my computer and just stared blankly at the web. I did it twice today. Only two days ago, I would’ve done things with a purpose. Check email for 5 minutes. Done with email? On to studying.
But today was – check email for 10 minutes. Stare blankly at the screen. Go shopping online – with no intention to buy. Look out the window at the pond. Gloomy day out. Wish it would rain. Glad I mowed the lawn yesterday. 45 minutes until we have to go to dinner. I wish I had gone to the gym. But I’m too lazy to shower again. And then by the time I’m out of the shower we’re going to be leaving again anyway. *sigh*
Maybe it was too much for me to handle recently? The load was too great? Now I’m burnt? I was getting shit done though. That’s what was great about it. It’s like there’s a point where I’ve got enough things on my plate that I can barely control what’s going on – at that point is where I apply the most effort. Every hour of every day is spent thinking about what needs to be accomplished. Plans for free time are made well in advance. Because if there’s only one smaller goal I’m trying to accomplish – it’ll forever get put on the back burner. I’ll get around to it when I feel like it. No sense in even wasting time thinking about it now…
The cursor is just blinking at me. I can’t even think of anything else to write.
I’ll pass the operating system portion of the test in a month. I just need to focus on that section – and it’ll be over and done with in no time. But it’s just crazy – all this work – all of what will be 3+ months so I can add something to my resume? What is 4 years of college? 2 lines on my resume? No – it was more than that – mainly it was the memories. But for this test? It was an hour reading every night before bed. It was those hours that I devoted to studying those weekends.
That was all kinds of hell – but now that I’m without it – now that I should be resting and enjoying life and thinking everything is ok – I’m not. In some sick, twisted way – I miss the pressure. I wonder if there is terminology for this state of mind. I’d almost go as far to say that it is cathartic – I put myself through these things to push myself – to test how far or how strong my will is.
This is getting kind of out of hand? I ask that question because I’m not sure. I’m not even sure why it’s the Sunday Night Blues as the title. Because I think I’ll change it to melancholy. That’s what I’m looking for.
I almost expected to be sitting here like this, a month ago – feeling this way. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
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