Smoking Up

I wasn’t sure what else to write about. I’ve been devoid of topics or things that could actually fill space. I call it smoking up because it makes you high. And gives me a euphoric feeling. I guess I should start using "drinking down" then? Hmmm...

During college for about a year and a half I was very much in to the greens. I would almost even consider myself a pot head during that time. I loved the new sensations and the fact that I didn’t have to spend much to have as good of a time as if I had been drinking.

But like everything else, the novelty of it kind of wears off after awhile. At least for me it did. That and I had a few paranoid trips that I never wanted to experience again. That was the problem with me. Is that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to my brain, and how my body is feeling.

With drinking, in my opinion, I can control how I feel based on how much I have to drink. Usually. Sometimes I just keep drinking due to my lack of judgment. Drinking tends to loosen me up a bit in that regard.

But with the grass it wasn’t the same for me. There were times where I would inhale way too much, and then when I would have a coughing fit is when I knew I was in for it. And smoking to me is like lining up a lot of shots and downing them all at once. At first you don’t really feel it. You feel the early effects. But then WAM it hits you like a wall of bricks and you’re reeling…

I will never forget the one time I had a huge freak out where I thought the lights were changing colors, my feed were bleeding and I was just seeing certain frames of my vision. Like my eyes were taking Polaroid pictures of what they saw, they would print up, and I would see what my eyes were looking at just a split second ago. I freaked out so hard that I was doing pushups to try and focus my mind – trying my best to fight what was happening. After that I basically promised myself that I would never do that much again. Also, I used to lose a lot of feeling in my legs. When driving, I couldn’t feel if my feet my were on the peddles or not, and at night I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I couldn’t feel my legs either (I would get scared and touch them with my hands just to make sure they were there).

Has this become a bitch fest about what sucks about smoking? I guess. Anyway, I used to hate how normal things I would do would now hurt so bad. Almost everything was intensified when I was smoking. When I would itch my eye or my scalp or my arm…or anything, it felt like I was tearing the skin off of myself. If I banged my knee or my shin in to something that stinging pain just wouldn’t go away.

The last time I smoked was for an un-retirement party that I was part of 2 years ago. 2 whole freaking years. Last night was my first time in 2 years.

And it was good. It was controlled. I didn’t have so much that I was gone. Because I was cautious about getting to that point again.

Instead of bitching about the freak outs that I had, I’d like to talk about some of the great things about smoking:

-For those of you that took physics: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Remember right? The first thing I tend to notice when I’ve smoked is that it literally feels like the World, the Earth is pushing up on me. Like for some reason I am no longer exerting as much force on the world as I was when I was sober. The ground is now working with me and pushing me up every step I take. It’s really quite a great feeling.

-Random thoughts I would’ve never thought of pop in to my head. And they are hilarious. I’ll always remember one night in college where I was on the ground crying from laughter as me and my roommate thought about how crazy the first guy to drink milk from a cow was. I mean c’mon…who would’ve thought! Of course now drinking milk is all the rage (heh) but think of the first guy who was under that first cow! What was he doing there! And how did the cow feel about it? Anyway, after smoking I can just sit there on my own and laugh at my own thoughts. And sometimes when I’m with a group of people, we can just be laughing – while every one may be laughing at their own thoughts…and not necessarily what the group is talking about. I wrote that sentence as if I had been smoking tonight. I haven’t been.

-I don’t get sick. When I smoke I don’t hear my heartbeat in my head. I’m not getting naked in my kitchen and leaning up against my fridge because I’m so hot and I want the room to stop spinning. I have only puked once after smoking, and you guessed it, it’s because I was drinking after smoking.

-Music and visual media are amazing. When I first got in to smoking (thank you friends) I also became a huge fan of BT or Brian Transeau: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Transeau There is something that happens to me that I believe heightens the ability of my ears when I’ve been smoking. Like my mind almost focuses more on things happening in the backgrounds of the music I am listening to. Even though I can’t do magic eye, I’m comparing my listening experience to that. When I’m sober, it’s like I’m listening to music and not being able to see the shape or pattern in that magic eye. But after smoking it’s like everything has become clear to me. And the music is so much more enjoyable then. I remember always asking people if they were hearing the same things I was…Last night I was listening to Oscar Peterson’s “So Diana”. The piano part comping in the background of that song wasn’t much to me before last night. I mean, it was pretty good. But last night – and this is what makes the genius of Jazz – you could hear the intricacies of the live recording. Each section of 16 bars was a little bit different than the previous one. And I caught things like the pianist signaling that the sax solo was over by comping a few completely different chords for the change. Then there was the drummer that was telling the rest of the band that it was time to head back to the chorus with a triplet strike on the toms. Notice: I have listened to this song at least 20 times, and last night was the first time I recognized any of these things. Of course from now on, I’ll have a much greater respect for the musicians and more enjoyment for the song.

-I get lost and end up laughing at myself. Last night it took me 30 minutes to take out the trash when it usually takes me 10. Only because I got lost in my own house and continually kept forgetting where I was going or what I was doing. All I could do was stand in the kitchen and chuckle to myself about how much of an idiot I was being. In college it once took us 45 minutes to drive to the local taco bell (8 minutes away) only because we got lots. Speaking of which…

-Food tastes better. This happens when I’ve been drinking also though. Maybe I just love food period. Enough said.

So I think if I can figure out a way to better control my reaction to this, and not be so scared of it, I’ll consider it more in the future. As I was telling people last night, I just wish there was a way I could grow my own. Because I can trust myself. I like to know what goes in to what’s getting put in my lungs. And to those of you out there who haven’t tried it (like the 5 of you) go ahead and give it a shot at least once. I promise it won’t kill you, and your parents won’t be the youngest grandparents in the neighborhood nor will you get an STD. Unless you’re a complete idiot.