Ish

I just realized that I’ve got less than 3 days left to this month – Well done February, you short month! Even with leap year extension (which I will try to post on since I find it such an odd day) you still seem like a short month!

And now I’ve doomed myself and the next few days are going to drag.

Since I had nothing to write, and I was trying to think of interesting things to write about on here (I try to keep it as interesting as possible for my future self to read) I wanted to write about my analysis on the most inner workings of my self. My shit. Poop. Excrement. Waste. Admit it, I think everyone does their own study (admiration?) of their daily (or in some cases weekly) BMs.

In some sick, twisted sort of way, I’ve come to learn and almost have a certain pride for my waste at times.

I’ve tried my best to categorize most of them here:

-The reason I came up with this post is because of what occurred to me this evening. It is the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop. This evening, while sitting on the couch, I felt like I had the urge to go (it would’ve been my 2^nd of the day - #2 #2 if you will). So I got up, went to the toilet, sat down, let out a semi large fart, and then…nothing. But I could feel something down there. Some sort of blockage. So for 5 minutes I squeezed. And thought about how much it sucked. And a little malformed niglet plopped in to the toilet. Swimming around and laughing at my struggle. There was still more. But I was tired. And I didn’t want to push anymore. And I had already had a successful BM when I got home from work. So after some rocking back and forth on the toilet - sometimes sitting up straight or bending all the way forward – chest to the knees can work some extra out – I decided to secede and shower. Damn. I should’ve just farted and called it a night.

-The next poop is my standard poop. Roughly about 3 logs, all different lengths (but not by much), typically the first one to arrive is the longest. (I don’t know how I know this so don’t ask). Light brown, no squeezing required, all around satisfying and successful. That was the definition of the after work dump I made today.

-The “Holy Shit!” *fist pump* log. Take those 3 logs. Combine them in to one perfectly shaped floating mass. Something to be so proud of that you brag to your wife about it…So perfect that you don’t even have to wipe or wash your hands. That awesome.

-The snake. Per it’s namesake, it hits the bottom of the toilet and starts to coil around the bottom of the bowl…even the top of it looks like a snake’s head. Now if I could just put some eyes on it and maybe a tongue…It would be the brown cobra…

By the way, I am silently smirking to myself (because sometimes smirking includes a noise) and thinking about how really gross this is to be typing it out. It reminds me of the time my friends and I went to the gorge and instead of peeing in a port o potty (which actually this post was partially inspired by – a post on craig’s list) we all peed on a large boulder (women too) in the middle of this field at the Vantage campgrounds. Our final morning at the Gorge, I thought it would be funny to take a dump on it. One successful log later (and no toilet paper! It better have been good) and one old school camera – and I had had a nice laugh to myself.

It was a month later that I received the horrendous phone call about the picture being developed (I had already forgotten about it at this point) and how it had been immediately destroyed as the camera owner felt sick even touching the picture. Hah. Good times.

-The Bloody Wipe Poop. Capitalized for emphasis. You know the ones that come out (well maybe you don’t) where you just think to yourself, “There is no way this is coming out of me. It feels TOO WIDE!” But it just comes out anyway, ripping everything on the way out – kind of like if you stuck Edward Scissorhands inside of an enlarged toilet paper roll, with toilet paper covering both openings…Well not really. But yeah, the poops are much shorter than normal, but they’ve got girth. And you’re angry with them. And you promise yourself not to just eat steak and rice for 2 meals a day and immediately think about eating a salad before every meal from here on out.

-The “Make room for more!” poop. These occur after you’ve eaten at Olive Garden, Mongolian Grill, Chinese Buffet – actually any buffet for that matter, a happy hour that included half off of appetizers so you got quadruple the amount you would normally eat, Thanksgiving and sometimes Christmas dinner…You ate a lot. So now something’s gotta move to make room for the new stuff. And it moves quickly. Like the subway was running behind schedule and is pushing through to make up for lost time. You know it’s one of these when you’re looking for a bathroom (or you are scared and uncomfortable in your car 20 minutes from home) literally minutes after putting your fork down.

-The food poisoning poop…water. I never want to go through this again. Nor will I wish it upon my worst enemies. To lose my ability to fart without fear? It was over! Every fart that I had came with a little gift. Kind of like the extras that they give away at Nordstrom’s after you’ve spent $200, but much less appealing. One night after a rotten hot dog in Vegas (Vegas of all places!) I woke up shivering, and then puked my guts out. After the hurling, I was on the toilet for the rest of the night. Then the rest of that morning. And couldn’t keep anything down. Severely dehydrated and exhausted, I could not control anything for the next 2 days. And every time I sat down to moon the porcelain gods, it was like my #1 and #2 got mixed up and now my #2 was going #1. Tonight I will actually pray that this never happens to me ever ever ever again.

-The morning after poop. Just like everything in the “morning after” this sucks too. Typically I was up late drinking to create one of these. And if I was up late drinking, I was probably eating crappy food too. Shit in, shit out. Go figure. The morning after dump sucks because it’s messy. My theory is that your body has been lying in a horizontal position for so many hours that your doo doo hasn’t had the proper affect of gravity upon it (squishing it in to a solid mass) – therefore spreading it out and making little lumps and lots of splashes. Add in the crappy food and all the liquids you drank the night before? Disaster. This is probably the dump that I take most where I am unhappy with either it, or myself. If it’s on a weekday, it makes me rush for work, so I can’t pay proper attention to it, or if it’s on the weekend, it’s just a shitty (pun) way to start the day. Actually, there’s even times where I have to hold it all the way to work on the weekdays – again squirming in my car - and then be unhappy in a disabled work stall (what, I work early). Thanks a lot morning after poop. You’re worthless in my book.

-The continuation poop. This is 2^nd in satisfaction only to the *fist pump* log. Here’s why it’s so great: You take the standard poop. You’re feeling pretty good. But then out of nowhere you get the urge to go some more, and typically about half to a fourth of the size of the standard poop comes out. Maybe you had a little dessert after dinner last night? Or maybe Mr. Poopy’s children didn’t want to get left behind? Anyway, great feeling, and almost the exact opposite of the “Well, I could’ve just farted and been fine” poop.

And finally, since it’s my most surprising one:

-The discolored poop. It comes out in all colors. Maybe you ate beets? Maybe you drank a lot of red wine? But the most amazing ones I’ve had – and it rarely happens to me – maybe once or twice a year at most – is the solid green poop. I have no idea how it happens. (If I could figure out what I do/eat I would do it more often) I am not a vegetarian, and over the past year I can count on one hand how many meals I’ve had that did not have some form of meat in them. So when this arrives it is truly a miracle. I marvel at the sight for almost three times as long as the *fist pump* poop. Sometimes it’s out of worry for myself, other times it’s just out of pure wonder and amazement. How could I have made that? Part of me is writing this hoping that others will share their experience and that they too have popped out what looked like to be a ball of light green spinach. Because I have. And although I just wrote a post about my different poops, I don’t want to feel alone in this experience.

I am now done making a complete embarrassment of myself. For tonight.