Sooner Or Later

It all comes crashing down...

Comes crashing down...

I think it's finally got to me. Somewhere along the way the negative self-body image crept in and I don't think it's leaving the train station any time soon.

I remember at one point during college that I just wanted to let go, to see what would happen.

I had lost a bet to a friend and had to grow my hair out the entire summer. Longer than it has ever been and probably will ever be. I felt so gross that I wanted to just spiral out of control. I didn't shower for more than a week. I ate as terribly as I could, drinking beer with meals and enough food for 2 meals in 1 consisting of grease infested fried cheese. Not really, but I think I get the point across.

All throughout college I was a pretty steady 190 to 200 lbs. Everyone pretty much has their routine down, so most of us fluctuate in a given range. My body felt comfortable at that weight (and continues to). I don't have to work to stay at that weight, and it actually takes work to put on more or lose any.

I believe the highest I ever got during my "give up" phase was around 220. I had packed them on, but the only place I had noticed was in the "definition" (if I could call it that) I had lost.

It took 3 months of getting back to an active lifestyle and eating normally to get rid of it all. I did it living my normal life though, doing the things I wanted to and eating what I wanted to.

Which, to this day is still the case.

So what happened? This is the question I sit here asking myself while eating a 90 calorie Choclately Drizzle Special K bar and washing it down with tap water. I don't know what happened. I've watched all the celeb shows, heard everyone complain about weight gain, read along with the articles in the wife's Shape magazines - all over the past few years. It never affected me in the slightest. And all of a sudden now I start to feel bad about how my body looks? Out of nowhere?

What the eff is wrong with me? This is the reason why I wanted to write this post. To question my feeling sorry for myself. To question the negativity. Never before in my life have I said *seriously* "I'm so effing fat", "I feel like a fatass", "I'm out of shape", "I need to work out", "I need to lose 15 pounds". Never. Except for this past holiday season.

I have been in good shape all of my life, and my mentality on my body image was something I prided myself on. While others hated on themselves (while they looked good, if not great) I sat there and laughed as they failed at diets, failed at workout routines, and overall just felt bad about themselves for no reason whatsoever. And I've always thought it was because of their own negative self-images.

Well, I've now for some reason joined the ranks. Sooner or later that wall I had put up around my body image was going to come crashing down.

I weighed myself tonight. A whopping 203 pounds. I would normally be fine with this. "Seth, you just had a little too much this holiday season. No biggie." But not this year. I never had to fight this feeling before - this feeling of wanting to cut calories. The feeling of wanting to work out an hour or more a day. The craving of soreness in my body after running lines all night at the gym.

You know why? Because I always plateued. As much as I was driven to be the sleek muscular guy, I always got to a point where without really putting in some serious effort - and adding in the proper diet - it never would've really made any difference.

So that is my answer for myself right there. Unfortunately it doesn't change my current view of what I see in the mirror today.

So, I'm going to give in to the anger and sadness that follows when it comes to things like these - for now. It might do me some good to shed some Christmas and New Years weight. I always dread going to the gym in January because of all the people that'll drop off their new year's resolution by Valentine's day.

But there I'll be, with the rest of the suckers, fooled by some version of themselves that just isn't reality. Maybe I'll see you there?