The Sunday nights are always the toughest. Always the loneliest, always the longest, shortest, most dreaded. The only thing I can hear is typing. Quiet whine of the computer beside me. I’m starting to learn that I lack focus. That I can do great at things if I just keep my mind focused and driven. But sometimes those thoughts sway, my mind wanders. And for that split second that I’m not paying attention, things that could go wrong…can. Not that I’m saying that they do. I’m just saying that suddenly things swing against me that I can’t control…bah, it’s not all bad at all. The only reason that I write in here is out of sheer, complete boredom.
Let’s see, what to talk about this week: I’m about halfway through my bereavement vacation. It’s been nice to have some time off from work. I definitely have taken as much advantage of it as I’ve wanted to. The past few nights I definitely wanted to go out…well out more than I did, but not doing so is better for me. I’m on a mission to cut 5 pounds by the end of this month, and get more “cut” (period) by the end of the year. That was my new year’s resolution, I slacked, sure, but I’ve still got time left. BAH. The typical mind of the procrastinator. Either way, the past few days, now that I’ve had time off, I’ve been doing 2 and 3 hours of working out, and not just cardio…but cardio for an hour. Weights for an hour…hitting the punching bag for an hour…the gut is definitely what I’m hoping to get rid of. I am very tired of it. The sad thing is, lots of people would say I am skinny. But the stupid BMI calculator says I’m overweight. Of course, the “lots of people” that would say I was skinny are also fatter than me, so I suppose that doesn’t count. BAH, body image is so boring to talk about.
The movie “Crash”. Highly recommend it for people that haven’t seen it yet. It’s one of those movies where people do, act, and say exactly what many of us are thinking. Can I also admit that I bawled at one point in the movie? If you can figure out what point that is, cookie for you. And it’s got that weird “karma” thing going to it too. Personally, I’m starting to believe that there really aren’t any “good” people in the world left. Most everyone is on an “even keel” doing both good and bad every day. Now, there are definitely the people who lean more to each side, and being able to recognize each type of person is a very strong tool when dealing with the rest of the human population. Where am I going with this? Religion: a tool for the masses to keep in check. Karma (yin-yang, balance, etc): a tool for the non-religious (and some religious people) to keep the masses in check. Where do people GET this notion? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Take a high enough population and things are going to happens to multitudes of people, the same way, the same time, or NOT HAPPEN AT ALL. This is my only problem with the film “Crash”. I don’t think that things come back to you, it’s just your head putting that on you. You ran over someone’s cat, and then your bird died the next morning…two completely separate events, yet for those “believers”, it “serves you right”. BS. You make up some story, some reason for the way things are…guess what, you had choices. Yes, everything happens for a reason. But, I look at this I think differently from other people. There is a reason to every action. I broke my hand. I shouldn’t have punched this wood desk (don’t worry, I didn’t break my hand). But, when “shit happens”, what is the point of just reasoning it off like that? I don’t see it…but there are SO MANY EXCUSES: “It was God’s will”, “I deserved it”, “Karma”…So funny how humans work. When things are going in their favor, it’s all their doing. But suddenly when the down swing hits, they try to excuse it away, try to make up for it, or try their best to explain it.
I hate to say it, but life is completely random. If you’re reading this though, you’re probably alive, and doing pretty well since you’ve got internet access somewhere…more than likely indoors too, warm and fed. That’s the exact description of me. And whatever sort of random placement I received here on this Earth I’m damn thankful for…but it makes it so hard questioning it. Why me? Why here? Why am I doing better than 70% of the rest of the World population (maybe 90%?)? This stupid roundabout questioning never gets me anywhere (intention of pun here…once reading over it a second time), yet I tend to do it from time to time, maybe to keep my head in check? Maybe to pull some focus away from the current task at hand? Maybe to make myself feel less significant? Who knows.
Random.
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