Frustrated, Tired, Scared

I am tired of my “friends”. What happened? I used to have a few sets of friends and now I just have one.

Oh that’s right. I’m not in college anymore.

Oh that’s right. One of my best friends made out with my girlfriend.

Goodbye two sets of friends. Say goodbye to the last one? I can’t. They’re family. What’s wrong with me? Why do I expect everyone to live up to some standard I made up for myself? Only a few people will always adhere to that standard, but when they falter it’s the most frustrating thing ever. I want to give up on this stupid thing, but I can’t. I can’t when I do it for them. Whatever happened to “do unto others as you would like to be done to you”? Does anyone even do that anymore? I don’t want to do it anymore. I love saying, “Fuck everyone else”, and have been saying it a lot lately. I imagine I will be saying it even more in the future. Is this any way to live my life? No. Can I find better people to surround myself with? No. Probably not, this is the best I’m going to get, so I’m going to have to deal with it. Shit.

I tried to put a football team together. I was frustrated. I knew it would only cause more grief and frustration, even if I was able to successfully put together a football team. I ended it before it began. I’m going to play with guys who are putting their money where their mouth is. Instead of having someone else pay up front for them and create the team for them, they’re going to pay up front for themselves and join a team. The only person they’re going to answer to is themselves. Of course it’s not as fun not playing with your “friends”, but it’s also not fun dealing with even 1 person that flakes out. And there’s bound to be that person. Even on the individual basketball teams I’ve played with through this league within 3 games have gelled together, most of us have become friends, and by the end of the season we’re ratting each other out for not making good plays, or even worse, not showing up to games. I know that I can rely on myself though, and that is what counts.

It is just so tough, knowing that I would have to depend on other people to hold up their end of the bargain. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about people when doing this, it is to not trust anyone and to do your best with what you have. I understand, we did it all throughout college, and even I was guilty of it. Delegate a little responsibility here and there, and when people came up short, you had to cover for them…I was the one coming up short in many of those instances. I’m not going to deny it. People get busy, people forget, people just don’t care…this is all the norm and I’ve come to expect it, and it’s going to happen anytime more than 1 person is working on anything, and are not getting paid to do it. This is what has become of us. “If I see no incentive to do something, why do it?” No incentive for me? Well fuck you then. Why should it be important to me? Why should I care?

This is my downfall. This will be all of humanity’s downfall. Sure, completely overblown, but I don’t care. Will there come a point where every single person in this world is only looking out for the well being of themselves and their direct relations? I already see this happen every day to and from work. In fact, I put on this mask everyday when I’m stuck in traffic. If cutting you off means that I get home faster, so be it. But me, I’m just a scared, angry, isolationist punk. But, let’s test you. Let’s say you get home from a long day of work, and someone is sitting on your steps. Just to make it more interesting, let’s say he’s a male, and the type of sorts that you would be scared of, whether it be the bum on the corner of the street with a bottle in hand, or the black guy with baggy clothes that you passed on your way out of Safeway. Whoever it is, put him there, on your steps. Now, give me your immediate reaction. Do you feel like driving away? Turning around? Running possibly? Do you have the GUTS to go up to this guy and ask him what he’s doing on your doorstep? Do you yell from your vehicle, “Hey! Get the fuck off of my property before I call the cops?” How many of you were not scared? How many of you would’ve been willing to just say “Hello” and ask the guy what he was doing there and if he needed any help? Then, continued to open the door to your house/condo/apartment/hole in wall in front of him when he said he would be leaving soon? Or giving you that straight answer? Because, even though I’ve never been placed in this situation, I’m the guy that’s eyeing that scary looking bum on my doorstep, and trying to figure out what to do next. Even when the guy hasn’t even done ANYTHING to me yet. Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent. I don’t trust anyone, and I’m so goddamned scared of everyone else.

That’s it, everyone can hate on me now for speaking what’s true to me. Rambling over.