That I find out on Halloween. Of course.
Last week they ran the blood tests. Everything looked good. Blood count was normal. No sign of the bacteria that caused my first ulcer. They suggested I go in for an endoscope.
Yesterday I was out all day as they shoved something down my throat so they could check things in my upper abdomen.
And they found what I had feared to be true. That it was worse than my ulcer. Honestly, I never thought it would happen to me. I thought this happened to unhealthy people. People that smoked, or drank too much. Maybe ate unhealthy foods frequently. But I guess you can chalk me up as another statistic.
They found cancer in the small of my intestine. “Adenocarcinoma” is what the doctor said. While I was under they decided to search further and found tumors also within my pancreas. And the sick thing was? Is that the doctor called me down to talk to me in person! You know what kind of drive that was? Knowing that your doctor wasn’t willing to tell you over the phone what was going on and wanted to talk to you “in person”?
I literally don’t know what to do right now.
I can’t do anything. I am literally sitting here in shock looking at this cursor blink. I want to delete everything I just wrote but I know it won’t change anything.
I’ve been told that since we found this somewhat late that I’ve got a very slim chance of survival. Reading on the internet tonight I found that the mortality rate for patients with pancreatic cancer is 99% after 5 years. 3 to 6 months is what I’ve been told. No point in even trying to treat it or radiate.
So, I don’t know where to go or what to do from here…
I don’t even know if I want to go in to work tomorrow. Seriously, what would be the point? Do other people that get diagnosed like this just continue on their daily routine?
Everyone was over tonight to talk about it. Hug me and tell me that they loved me. My mom was an absolute mess…I’m so sorry this is happening mom…
Everyone offered to stay the night but I told them to go home because they probably wouldn’t allow me to sleep anyway.
Not as if I will get any sleep tonight.
I was going to write this whole thing about how I feel like I’ve lived a full life already. How I’ve had almost any experience that a guy my age could ask for. That if I died tomorrow it wouldn’t be that big of a problem since I was pretty lucky for everything that I’ve been through. I’m not so sure of that anymore.
I wanted to write to all my family, friends and loved ones and just let them all know what they’ve really meant to me. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. I wanted to write every day that I could from here on out…because I wanted to find something in each of those days to really be memorable.
I’m waiting for the moment when I break down. I know there is going to be a point where I start crying. Where this numbness that I feel right now subsides and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I want to spend the next 3 days in bed.
…
For those of the readers that have made it this far…did I scare you enough? That was your Halloween scare! Terrible I know! The reason I wanted to write this is because it’s almost as if I wanted to prepare myself for the worst…
In all seriousness, let me please provide everyone with the real update of what’s really going on with my stomach:
I got the blood work back today. Everything is negative. This is good and bad in a way. It means that I don’t have a bleeding ulcer (I think). It means I am not positive for the bacteria that caused my last ulcer (I know). Which is all good, but bad in a way because my stomach still hurts…It means that I’m probably going to have to get more tests done…like the endoscope to check out what’s really going on in there…
I really really hope that it is just something silly like stress or weird heart burn or indigestion. Please God let it be that. I’m sure after reading the first section of this post you’ll actually hope that I do die. Seriously, I don’t want to (as much as you may want me to now). Maybe I should’ve saved this for April Fool’s? Naw, for me it was too perfect of timing. Honestly, writing this post served two purposes: First off, hopefully to scare the heck out of everyone reading it (hopefully it didn’t seem too unbelievable, I thought the part about my mom was a bit much), and secondly to almost prepare myself in a way for something that might possibly be true (all of the symptoms of intestinal cancer fit as much as I hate to admit it).
So I’m still scared. I’m very scared. I want to know that it’s nothing and that I can be fixed (if it is something minor). So there was a bit of truth to what I’ve written above – but until I get the real news that something like this has occurred – I’m sure those reading won’t find out through my blog…
So cross your fingers or pray for me or whatever you do (even though you probably don’t want to now because you think I’m a sick and morbid off-kilter SOB)…I’m going in for more tests soon…
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