From trading and poker I create a lot of hatred for myself. It’s obvious to most people that it’s not very healthy – but being in both realms for long enough you learn that it’s part of the game(s) and you deal.
And since I’ve never done something like this, I decided to include it on here. Just in case people were thinking I thought a little too highly of myself. Also because I know all of us have at least a little bit of hate for ourselves – some of us just aren’t willing to readily admit it (or write it out).
I really like the term “douchebag”. The reason I like it is because I feel that it’s got more of a male connotation to it and also it can be applied to all types of men. It’s not like “prick” which also IMO has a male connotation associated with it – but is typically reserved for the wealthy/arrogant.
A doucebag can be your local grocery store’s bag boy or even as high up as the grocer’s CEO. A douchebag can be your best friend or your most hated rival. The douchebag can be any size, shape, color and background. Really, if you look around you, I’m sure you’ll find a few good candidates that would love to come live with me in Douchebekistan.
A dbag can usually be spotted from some distance. This is because their attire and overall appearance just screams something at you. From what I’ve found it’s either “trying too hard” or “didn’t even try”. I don’t belong in the “trying too hard” category, but you can see those types flaunting brand names on their clothing and spending hundreds of dollars on multiple pairs of shoes like they were women. I’m just going to say that a dbag on that end of the spectrum goes tanning, gets their eyebrows plucked (when they don’t even need it), and speaks freely of the nail and hair salon they go to with other dbags. (Which is probably where they met in the first place). If you are paying any more than $30 for your haircut (like $100 or more) you’re probably going to fit in to this category. You’re a top rung dbag – you’re spending way too much for your douchebaginess.
On the flip side you have someone like me. On a regular basis people will ask me if I just woke up. Yes. I did. And unfortunately the look I had when I rolled out of bed is the same one I have right now. Because of my laziness (very douche like – I’ll get to that later) and partly due to my early morning shift, I take my showers at night. The problem with this is that when I wake up in the mornings, my hair is stuck in the position in which it laid for the past 7 hours. Patches of hair are matted completely against my head where other strands look like they’re trying to flee my scalp. It also doesn’t help that I have roughly 5 cowlicks on my head too.
I also rarely buy myself new clothes. Nor do I like to go to the dry cleaners more than once every 3 months. For those reasons you’ll typically see me at work in khakis I’ve worn 3 days in a row, in an un-tucked polo shirt both wrinkled and stained. I always question if my coworkers wonder to themselves if I own more than 2 pairs of dress pants. Really, I do. But it’s khakis for 2 days straight, then maybe my black pants for 2 days straight, then maybe the chinos to finish the week off. Also, for some reason over the past year or so I’ve been in between belt sizes. Which means that if I tighten my belt it makes me uncomfortable, but keeping the belt loose means I’m constantly sagging my business casual and trying my best to pull them up around my non existent ass and hips.
Did I mention I also don’t own a pair of brown dress shoes I can wear? Yeah, I’ve owned the same pair of brown rockports (which my mom bought for me) since my sophomore year in high school nine years ago. Since my mom mentioned how terrible they look (all scuffed up) and how they were actually hurting me (soles were worn down to nothing) I had to finally retire them this year. So guess what I wear instead of those brown shoes now with my khakis and chinos? My running shoes. Yes. And nike socks to boot. Everyday I get looks from the managers on my floor – looking directly at my feet - probably annoyed that I’m defying the dress code by wearing my tenny runners with my un-tucked shirt. I am. I could nut up and just buy another pair of brown dress shoes, but I haven’t – since no one has pulled me aside and reminded me of the dress code yet. If I wrote a dictionary this last paragraph would be under the “extra definitions” section for the word “Douchebag”.
Throw that all in together with my wrinkled, dry skin, big lips/ears and flat nose along with the fact that I tend to smell “like the outside” (I’ve been told) and you’ve got a real winner. I seriously look like a disgrace to myself and people are probably embarrassed to be seen with me. I pulled the total dbag move by not caring about my appearance anymore after I got married. Part of me has just figured that there was no point since I wasn’t trying to attract anyone anyway. Actually, I take that back – looking like a dbag really has nothing to do with my married status. The look has stuck with me since junior high I think.
Along with general appearance, being a douchebag requires a certain mentality. Typically that mentality roots in a holier than thou position. Whether it be total hippy style and trying to save the Earth as best as possible and making sure everyone else does too – or being overly religious, pompous, boring, vegan, political or any other sort of thing that can get shoved down another person’s throat – that’s a run-on sentence douchebaggery.
I like to compare myself to others in my age group. There are certain areas where I feel like I am above the average for my peers. But does it give me any right to put them down, put them in their place and walk all over them? No. And yet I’ve got this air about me that screams “I’m so much better than you”. I can’t seem to shake it so I’ve decided to live with it. I swear if I tried to change people would just peg me back to how I am now. Humility just doesn’t work for me – but believe me, I know I’m not great at anything. Does that mean I think that people who are the best or at least in the top percentile of a certain category have the right to look down upon the rest of us? Sure. It’s only fair since I (and others in my position) do it too.
The dbag train of thought means thinking that you are an individual. That in someway you are special and significant in this world. That you’ve had different thoughts and have experienced so many other things that people before you or those around you haven’t. Sometimes I live my life like I am the star of my own movie. And to be that selfish and not allow other people the chance to maybe have the lead role in even one of the scenes is just plain douchebaggedy. The act of trying to be the center of attention is a definite douche act.
While writing up this post I was thinking to myself, “What would I consider someone who was not a douchebag like?” And honestly, I couldn’t come up with an answer. Thinking about it, it’s possible we’ve all got a little bit to hate about each other. Wow – that’s such a nice thought.
To close, I’d like to leave you with this link:
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