Something has come over me recently. Or maybe I’m just more in tune with my desires as a consumer.
And that is my sudden urge to buy most products from the “As Seen on TV” lineup and actually take them up on their 30 day money back guarantee. I know. It sounds crazy. And yes, of course I’m not fooled by the “Call in the next 30 minutes to receive a special discount!” offer (although I’m sure some people are). If it weren’t for the darn S & H (shipping and handling for you noobs) I would be on the phone more often. But wait! During a recent holiday stroll through the mall *barf* and a random jaunt to the neighborhood Bartells (family owned and operated), I found 1) A store dedicated to as seen on TV products – glad I didn’t slow my roll and 2) a portion of the “female hygiene” aisle – don’t ask me what I was doing there – dedicated to the “As Seen on TV” section.
No more S & H! This is not a verified claim though as I did not purchase any of these products. I am not sure as to whether or not the same offer as seen on TV of 2 easy payments of $19.95 would in fact be $39.90 when I brought it to the front counter at Bartell’s. Where the “manager” looked like he could’ve been a sophomore at
Anyway, I can attribute my recent longing for all things appearing on the tube to a few things:
-It being the winter months along with football season my greater intake of quality *cough* television programming.
-Side note (reality): The products are more widely displayed on more gender specific channels. Expect to see at least 15 of these commercials when you’re watching Candace Cameron in a Lifetime Original movie about domestic violence. As much as I hate to admit it, I find many of these originals eerily entertaining. Is it possible I was meant to be a stay at home mom? That’s another blog post.
-Having more money and time than I know what to do with. What’s an extra $50 to $100 to spend when I’ll get my money’s worth after 5 to 10 uses?
Here’s the thing about these products: They claim to do things better than what you had previously. But were you doing those things that these products claim to help you do better anyway? (Confusing sentence, I know). Probably not. More than likely these products will get used for 3 months and forgotten about and regretted like the typical new year’s resolution.
So without further copyright and/or licensing rights, I will break down the awesome to the completely worthless.
First off – and the winner in my opinion is the Ove Glove.
http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/ove_glove.html
(I don’t know if they realized that the words “as and “seen” when placed together make “ass” – WTG 3rd grade)
That isn’t exactly the one that we have. It was a gift to us from my wife’s parents for Christmas last year. Hah! I still haven’t bought an “As Seen on TV” product. Our Ove Glove has these rubber blue lines down it, which I think add greater protection. I’ve used ours now for over a year and I definitely like it better than an oven mitt. The Ove Glove, it being a glove, gives you more flexibility. Instead of just holding things with your thumb and attached…uhhh…large part of the mitt, you now get to use all 5 fingers! What a concept! No burns on me since I got the Ove Glove! But then again, there weren’t many cooking burns before then either. I’ve seen in the commercials where the glove was lit on fire, and the hand didn’t look in pain whatsoever! (But they didn’t show the hand owner’s face though…)
But was it really worth it though? Ah – the standard “As Seen on TV” realization. The Ove Glove costs about $7-10 more than the average oven mitt…and the reason why it’s first for me (other than owning it) is because I think the added utility is worth the price. After a year ours is littered with pizza stains and grease though…I guess we should have scotchguarded it? Maybe for the next Ove Glove we buy.
Next up is a couple fitness items.
The perfect pushup
And the bender ball
I honestly think if I bought these two products, I would end up with some ripped arms and pecs and the stomach I’ve always dreamed of! In all seriousness though for at least 3 months I would do more pushups and sit ups using these products. I mean I only really do weights and core work about 2 times or less per week. So maybe for those 3 months I might start seeing results? I don’t know. Guilt might be a big enough factor in making me work out – which makes me wonder if switching to a cheaper gym was such a good idea. You can’t beat 408% more effective though! I mean when these commercials put numbers backed up by some scientists from a college I’ve heard of before, it becomes pretty convincing. And as I mentioned before, with the money back guarantee, it wouldn’t hurt to take a test drive right? Probably wrong.
And for all of us green thumbs out there:
My wife wants this product because she likes to grow herbs and put them in our meals:
I want it so I can grow pot…
And sell it to hospitals that use it for medicinal purposes of course.
Imagine the smell in the house though! Stank!
Sometimes I dream of traveling the country by hopping trains. Not really though. But if I ever did I swear I could sleep anywhere with a flat surface as long as I had this:
http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/contourleg.html
I always sleep on my sides. And when I do, I need something between my knees. It’s just more comfortable. Without 1 pillow, it’s tough. Because I use one hand for my head and one hand to go between the knees. Unfortunately one hand isn’t enough for both spots. (TMI possibly?) This product also looks hardy enough that would withstand many miles of harsh terrain and sub zero weather. Not like I would though.
I always laugh when I hear people talking about this product:
Because I think of another “magic bullet”. I don’t really want this, but my brother in law won one in some college contest and he and his roommates swear by it. If it’s good enough for them, meh.
Some other honorable mentions include the “Mighty Putty”, the natural breast enhancer (mainly because that commercial is so awesome!), and of course the standard remote control boat/car/plane that can go on land, water and fly up in to the air! Definitely all guilty pleasures that I’m not able to have...right now.
And finally, what you’ve all been waiting for, the idiotic list.
Really there’s only a couple that belong here. And I’m sure they’re pretty good products for people who need them. And surprisingly they have to do with basically the same thing: Old people and hearing.
First off is the “Listen Up”:
http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/listen402.html?gid=
Now I’m sure in 10 years when my ears are completely shot, I’ll need this. But let’s keep the old folks in the homes and not on TV ok? Remember, the age group that actually buys things is where I’m at. The 18 to 40 year olds. Not the AARP group because they can’t even hear the darn commercial anyway! The main part that bothers me about this commercial is they show younger people using it. Which we would never do. A guy is running on a treadmill at the gym and he looks at two attractive women talking and looking in his direction. Supposedly using this product he can hear what they are saying! Which in the commercial they are giggling like school girls about how cute he is. Possible? I think not! (But do not have the product so I can’t verify – but that guy is definitely not cute). At the least they are not saying how hot he looks, but more than likely what a creep he is for staring at them. Pervs belong in prison. Not the gym.
And yet another one for the “forgetful mother” or “Uncle Phil with dementia”, the “My Lil Reminder”:
http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/mylilreminder.html?gid=
Record notes to yourself so that you can hear what an idiot you are 20 minutes from now! The part that pisses me off in this commercial is the woman looking in her fridge and telling herself what she needs at the grocery store. “Let’s see, juice, lettuce and eggs”. Just the way she says eggs and then how they immediately show her at the grocery store playing the recording to herself makes me want to kick her in the neck. Seriously lady, if you forgot how to write a grocery list maybe you do need this product. Oh and the best part about the “My Lil’ Reminder”? Is that for the price of one, you get TWO! (Standard with most of these products – always ask for at least two if you’re going to actually buy one). I always laugh while watching this commercial (the eye of the tornado that is my rage while watching it) imagining crazy Uncle Phil who records where he left one of the recorders, only to find it and record where he left the other recorder. Uncle Phil gets plenty of steps in on his pedometer (because his heart doctor said so!) losing these fun little glorified voice recorders! I should seriously contemplate advertising for this product…
I am thinking the inventor of these previous products hasn’t quit their day job.
And last off, to end it all…is probably the worst one out of them all. Literally, I have to change the channel now (God forbid – side note, my grandpa used to turn off the TV during commercials – WTG gramps!) anytime this commercial comes on, and it’s the stupid Proactive commercials. Partly because Jessica Simpson’s career is just done (I hope they catch her dad on “How to catch a predator”) but mainly because of the stupid piano theme song running in the background.
Seriously, Bruce Hornsby, if you or someone you know is reading this right now, stand up for yourself! They sampled (ripped off) the main piano part of your song, “The Way It Is” (one of my favorite social commentary songs ever!). Sue them! Get your hard earned money! You wrote that hook and you deserve at least $.25 every time they play that damn commercial. And at the least it would make me feel better about that commercial and maybe they’ll change the background song if they have to pay royalties!
For those of you who couldn’t make it this far…
CLIFF NOTES: I watch too much TV. I am a sucker for commercials. Some “As Seen on TV” products are awesome but I don’t buy them. I’d recommend not being a sucker for them either. Ask yourself this, “How did I live so many years without X product?” and you’ll have your answer. Sue those bastards in to the poor house Bruce!
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