It Never Stops

“Well I can’t see the end of it! I can’t!”

My wife screamed at me.

Maybe because there won’t ever be an end to it.

Ah, the later part of January. I was surprised at the good mood I was in after waking up this morning and seeing that the Dow had broken below crashing levels, minus 500 points pre-open.

It was turning out to be another sunny day, and I had eked out some minor gains, mainly because I hadn’t invested much. That was good enough for the day and I sat back and watched…well not really watched. I was busy at work. And it’s been taking up a lot more of my time so now I’m actually focusing on just that: Working. That’s what they pay me for.

And even still, busy, knowing the economy is collapsing around me; I put on a happy face and was able to laugh with coworkers and friends.

But it caught up to me. Every year my friends and I notice around this time that the “most depressing day of the year” passes us by and all of us are hit with at least a twinge of it. Mine hit tonight.

Sitting on the couch tonight we got in to the discussion of our finances.

And right now, all that’s playing in my head is from Kanye West’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” – La laaa la la wait ‘til I get my money right.

We’re making enough to live comfortably. We’re making enough to afford the things we want. But it won’t be enough for me. I wonder if it will ever be enough. Because the spending will never stop, and I feel like the more we make the more we’ll continue to adjust our spending habits upwards.

That’s where the screaming came from. Next month we clear ourselves of all the excess debt we racked up in remodeling an investment property. Unfortunately in less than a year’s time the market has kind of turned against us, and even up here in the “strong Northwest real estate market” comparable housing isn’t selling for what it used to be. I would literally be happy to get out of our condo at a loss at this point – but not too much. We took a risk on a property and we might lose. Luckily as long as we keep renters in the property we will continue to break even…but that’s as long as we keep renters…

I could see the housing bubble bursting after my wife sold her condo in 2005, but I just figured that we were buying at such low levels and next to such an attractive area that the risks weren’t too great. I’m just going to keep crossing my fingers on that one, and I’m sure you’ll hear more on it over the next few years.

With the debt gone unfortunately we ran in to some car trouble and replaced the investment property debt with car debt. (Notice how I wrote a post about how happy I was about the car? Novelty wears off when you stare at a bill for long enough) Debt that will last us 2 years longer than the condo did. And I want to go on vacation to Europe. And we want to go on vacation together. And I want a motorcycle. And I’d like to go back to Vegas next year for the first time in 3 years. And I want…and so it continues to get piled on. Cringing at applying through different banks for the next 0% interest credit card just so I can save $500 throughout the next 12 billing cycles. Calculating in my head how much interest I’d pay on the home equity line of credit if I were to just take the money from there.

It’s like this constant grey cloud that follows me wherever I go.

I’m going to admit it right now. We bought too big of a house for ourselves. Financial “gurus” suggest that at a maximum your mortgage/living costs should not exceed 40% of your monthly household take home. Ours is currently at 60%. Our financial situation is so fragile that we are literally teetering on the edge. Luckily the furthest we could fall would be to move in with our parents, so we have that safety net there. I wouldn’t want all the shame associated with doing so that would come with it however. Just thinking about that phone call, or possibly that knock on the door that says, “We bit off too big of a piece and now we’re choking. Do you know the Heimlich mom?” makes me want to push so hard so I never get to that point. But it’s basically as easy as the words, “We’ll be outsourcing your position” or even, “You’re fired”.

With a 60% cost of living, that means that at any time if either one of us lost our jobs we would be hemorrhaging money until that person was able to find a job. Yes. I do have a good enough amount saved up in my retirement accounts. Enough to actually continue living the way we are currently living without jobs for a full year. But it’s my retirement account for Christ sakes! Something I’ve worked almost 3 years now to build up! Of course, yes, I would squander it if I had to. But I don’t even want to think about that right now.

It’s never going to stop because after 2 years of living in this home, hardly anything has been paid off on the principal. Seriously, who takes the full 30 years to pay off their mortgage? I suppose people who expect to be working in the same position for the same pay for the next 30 years. It’s never going to stop because I have set a 15 year payment plan on our home equity line of credit. It’s never going to stop because I don’t expect my car to live for more than another 3 years and by that time we’ll have just finished paying off my wife’s car. It’s never going to stop because if I don’t find a job that’s willing to pay tuition reimbursement I’ll be financing my own master’s degree. It’s never going to stop because there will always be some new gadget, or new version of TV or must have product to showcase that I make enough money to afford this crap in the first place.

It’s debilitating. I sat there on the couch for a few minutes almost wishing I could take it all back.

Imagine what living in Fremont renting from my buddy’s parents as a single male earning my same wages would’ve provided me. Almost an extra two grand a month after living expenses, make that fifteen hundred since I’d want to pick up a nice car and I would’ve had close to $40K saved to my name after 3 years living the same way I was living in college (and keeping my current job). Not including what I had put away to my retirement accounts.

But how much would the possible loneliness cost me during those years? I spent 3 months basically living alone and they were some of the most challenging days of my life. As hard as I try, I am a social person so I like to be around other people as much as possible. I’m pretty sure it would be devastating for me to ever go back to that position again.

So for tomorrow I am going to try my best to keep my head up and focus on what is to come – the day that the grey cloud finally goes away. The worst I can do for myself is to continue wasting time dwelling on how things were, could’ve been, or how they should’ve turned out. Tomorrow has opportunity written all over it and although I doubt I’ll take full advantage of it, hopefully I’ll get another chance in the many days to follow. It’s super cheesy, but it’s the best I can do to try and talk myself out of giving up right now.