The Bear Stearns Diet

And if you’re not sure what that means, just take a look at the following chart.

OMGsh

I think March is going to be “short post month”.

Today, the streak of terrible eating (diet) stopped for me. Finally.

I don’t know what it was. I had enough time to cook. I always have my parent’s house that I can swing by and eat something somewhat healthy. I always have the option to eat something healthy when I go out. But I just never did. From Wednesday the 12^th of March to yesterday, the 16^th, I ate some of the most terrible foods for myself – and really for no good reason. It was almost as if I was on a road trip, yet right at home the whole time.

The Rundown:

On Wednesday night (wow – can you remember what you ate last Wednesday? I can) the wife had her EMMMBA class and I was lifting and watching the UW basketball game – terrible season fellas. Unfortunately it was running a bit long, and the whole time I was watching I was trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. And the longer I waited the longer I realized it was going to take me too long to cook. I also had to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy – which I knew would take some time – so I figured, what the f – I’ll go out for dinner while I’m waiting to get my prescription filled.

The wife talked about eating a jumbo jack for lunch that day when she had gotten home from work. So at that point I was craving them. Never has the gas station JITB on 128^th failed me. It was the old western jamboorjoor hangout. This time, it was terrible. The food tasted like cardboard. They didn’t have any barbeque sauce for my jumbo jack. A skinhead showed up and watched me eat while he smoked outside. I was sitting there waiting for him to bust out his 9 and shoot the place up (including me). He ended up ordering a sourdough jack.

On Thursday I had an options investing seminar to go to from 6-9 pm. And I was out of gas in my car so I went to fill up at Costco – 5% back woot! Go figure, might as well stop and get their delicious hot dogs and a slice of pizza. I regret the pizza. It was old and burnt from sitting under the warming lamps for too long. The hot dog was good as usual. I apologize to Kong for possibly having hot dog/onion breath. Absolutely terrible.

Friday we had “employee appreciation day!” which meant that I got a KKD (Krispy Kreme Doughnut) first thing as I walked in the door. At 6:30 am. It took me almost 6 hours to get the whole thing down. Way too sweet for me. Made me feel so sick I couldn’t finish it. One chocolate glazed KKD. Please revoke my man card. On top of the doughnut we also received a free cafeteria lunch. Basically the only thing that’s offered in our cafeteria is heart attack fare. Which is why I only buy food there once a month. I had a cheeseburger and deep fried onion rings. And replaced the mayo with tartar sauce. And dipped my rings in tartar. I love tartar.

From a long hard day at work and a major calorie overload, I came home to nap. When the wife and I woke up from the nap we decided we were hungry again so we rushed and just beat the clock in making it to McMenamin’s early happy hour. 1 pitcher of porter, 2 baskets of tater tots, and 2 corndogs later I was stuffed. And at this point is when I started realizing what I had been doing to myself…but I continued to let it slide…

Saturday I made it all the way to lunch before succumbing to the terribleness that is American food. KFC. 3 piece meal, mashed potatoes and gravy, baked beans and a biscuit. And throw a few hundred more calories on top of it all to wash it down with some root beer. The wife wanted to try one of those grill wrap things and it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had KFC so I decided to give it a shot. Didn’t regret it. Grill wrap wasn’t as good as it looked though.

Saturday night we were scrambling for what to do for food before our comedy show, so we baked up a frozen generic combo pizza from Albertson’s. Well done 400 calories a slice. I ate 2.

That night, when we got to the show, we found the early showing was sold out. So we drank. I had 7 coors lights. And washed that down with a “full order” of nachos. The “full order” is really meant for a minimum of 2 people. Luckily I had 4 to help me out. I wasn’t even that hungry, it being that I had just eaten pizza less than 2 hours ago.

And of course, one of the people we picked up to come to the show with us lives up the street from Dick’s, so we had to stop in at 1:30 am that night to pick up 1 deluxe, 3 specials and fries. I only have 1 special of all of that left. Taunting me from the fridge.

Sunday morning. McDonald’s sausage mcmuffin (forgot to say egg! D’oh!) and hashbrown. After complaining that the regular sausage mcmuffin wasn’t as good as the sausage egg mcmuffin, I stood up and got one. 800 calorie breakfast. Awesome.

Just thinking about all the shit I’ve thrown down my pie hole…makes me want to eat spinach for a few days. Even after just getting out of the shower just thinking about all of this terrible food makes me feel dirty…inside.

Now to completely change topics but to remain under the same subject heading:

Bear sterns is awesome.

This would probably be the best article to read on it.

Here’s what I heard on NPR on the drive home:

1) Bear sterns had leveraged themselves at a 28 to 1 ratio. TWENTY EIGHT! You idiots! You deserve to go down in flames. The fact that JPM and the fed are stepping in to help you avoid bankruptcy is terrible. I don’t care! Let the financial system break! You fuckers broke it!

*breathe*

1a) Any good gambler knows about bankroll control. Obviously it didn’t get up to the people playing with billions of dollars.

2) Just like the article I’ve linked here, Bear Sterns 14,000 employees made up over 30% of the value of the stock. Some of the employees were invested in the stock for 100% of their retirement accounts. How ironic is that? An employee of an investment banking firm investing 100% of their RETIREMENT fund in their own company? Hahahahah! That is absolutely hilarious! I want to laugh out loud right now, but it’s late. And I am a bastard because I know there is some Joe Schmoe out there who has given 40 years of his life to the company and has seen 40 years of precious savings SQUANDERED in literally 3 days. Caveat emptor pal. Dumbasses *cough*

3) Here comes the domino effect. And it’s been one long domino effect since a year ago when LEND fell. That was the red flag. Unfortunately I haven’t shorted like I would have liked to (I’m sure there are those out there who have become extremely wealthy from our financial system’s demise) but I’m hoping to catch one sooner or later. Maybe Citi again? Lehman?

4) I can’t wait to see the looks on those smug i-banking bastards. Yeah, you were making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year…by adding almost NO value whatsoever! I am going to do a little dance for you all when the layoffs come.

1b) I know it’s out of order – just remembered I wanted to write this: So, given my trading bank roll, I am using 100% of the equity in my home. Let’s say a bank gave me 28 to 1 leverage on my equity. That would mean I could play TWO MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS in the market based on the value of my home.

I am in awe.

These are amazing times. I’m glad I’m alive to witness all the change that happens every day.