Basketball Players I Hate

I love to play basketball.

I love to play most sports in fact. But probably the one I'm most skilled in is basketball. And you hardly ever have to pay to play, so it's definitely a good sport for me.

However, in almost every game I play, there is always one.

Always some guy out there that I just cringe over. And yes, I definitely cringe over my game at times, but I try my best to avoid acting as one (or many) of the following list:

-A boy among men. You always have that friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or maybe just some guy that you picked up off the street to complete your 3 on 3 game. This friend has a little bit of skill - but - they're 5'5. Or shorter. They run around the court with a sad frown on their face knowing that they're never going to get the ball and if they do they're jacking it up from "munchkin land" aka 3 feet past the NBA line and air balling it feebly because their arm strength is proportional to their height. Meaning he couldn't bench the bar with a spotter. You feel bad for the guy, but since he's a man of similar age you feel no remorse when you block the shit out of him as he kisses your nutsack. You post him up mercilessly and run down the court with an evil grin on your face as you can hear his teammates complaining under their breath.

-(D)allas Maverick. No defense. I hate people who don't play defense. Put your hands up! Move your feet! Don't foul, don't reach, crash the boards. Basketball has 2 main aspects. Play both. I want to scream when a guy gives up on a play because he knows the other team's got a 3 on 2 fast break. Guess what? Maybe if you got your ass back on defense the numbers would be more even. The Maverick is prone to cherry picking because they typically don't like to pass half court to play the other side of the ball. Somehow magically they're always open halfway down the court after you worked your ass off to grab a board.

-Payton. Just can't handle the smack talk. Supposedly he was one of the best, but as soon as those jaws start yapping I just want to punch them shut. Enough said.

-And 1. The showboat. The behind my back, bounce it off the backboard, catch it then pass it through your legs player. The guy who comes out with the headband and arm sleeve, decked out in Jordan attire and latest Nike shoes and will dribble the ball between his leg about 30 times before actually passing (or god forbid shooting). Basketball is a team sport. And ESPN is not taping this game so you can see your highlights possibly make tonight's "Top 10". Sometimes it's just sad seeing all that talent go to waste.

-Kobe. This one probably isn't very fair. Because I love Kobe. He's probably one of my favorite players right now. But he definitely has his nights (don't we all?). You don't get to scoring an average of 30 points a game without jacking it up. Years ago I'd look at the boxscore of some of the lakers game and the news title would say, "Kobe drops 42 in losing effort to the Spurs." And then you do a little bit of digging in to the game and realize he went 14 for 40. Forty shots. And sure, his teammates know. You keep feeding the scorer. But still, there isn't something more productive the team couldn't do with those other 26 possessions where he probably jacked it up through a double team? The Kobe type player definitely has skill, but at times they just need to know when to stop. Give it up. Go for assists and rebounds and help your team that way. If the shot just isn't coming that night or day work on being that role player the other 4 guys on the floor play every night for you.

-Jordan. Ah. This is probably the one I most associate myself with. No, I'm not saying by any means I've got Jordan's skills. But I've definitely got his desire...to win. Nothing else matters but winning. And when things get in the way of my goal I start to push. I push myself. I push my teammates. And with Jordan (at least from the stories I've heard from previous teammates) he was unrelenting. He'd berate his teammates on the court. In the locker room. Call them up and let them know they weren't pulling their weight. And when he was asked about how harsh he was being on his teammates he responded with something like, "They're grown men. They can handle it." Damn right. There is a reason Jordan transcended the game. It's because he won. He created winning teams. And if that meant he wasn't best friends with everybody, so be it. There's a reason for the 80/20 rule. And Jordan defines part of it.

-Mike Jensen. Good ole Mike. Played center for the Huskies while I was in college. All the height in the world but loved to the shoot the 3. Just like the boy among men this guy is the exact opposite. He stands a half foot or even a foot higher than anyone he's around. Why? Because he's out in "munchkin land" jacking up those threes. Last I checked, if you can raise your hand and grab the net it'd probably be in your best interest to be closer to it. Know your role. God didn't give you that height for you to be lining up the tres.

-The Vag. This guy falls to the ground when he gets fouled. Immediately grabs his ankle, screams and looks like he's going to start crying. He gets really angry when you slap him and wants to quit playing after a scratch. This player will constantly call "time out" because they get the wind knocked out of them or their tampon fell out. No one likes the vag but secretly they like to let him play because they hope to hurt him (accidentally of course - and not too bad) because nothing makes them happier than saying, "Seriously man? C'mon" as the vag is writhing on the ground in pain.

-The Coach. The coach has been around. He's got more of a basketball mind than an actual game. Sure, his ideas might be good - but it's just like a dictatorship. His ideas only work in very small groups - meaning only for him. You can't draw up imaginary X's and Y's on your palm and expect everyone to know what the hell you were talking about as we're walking out on the court. You can't say "man press" or "box and 1" in the middle of a play and think everyone will magically create your formation within seconds. What I hate most about the coach is that when he gets the ball he expects everyone to move for him. He'll hold the ball up high and point to other players on his team. Screaming at them to to screen away, or screen for him, or cut to the hoop. The coach will pull you aside in the middle of a pick up game and tell you where to go and when and where to shoot the ball. Embarrassing.

-The Idiot. The exact opposite of the coach. This guy is like a chicken running around with his head cut off. He is out setting double screens, and then rolling the wrong way off the pick. He's boxing out nobody under the hoop as the rebound bounces away from him (not that he ever knew he was boxing out to begin with). He is completely lost in a zone and constantly loses his man in man defense. The idiot is throwing up the half court prayer when there's still 28 seconds on the clock and you're only down by one. These are some of the hardest types of ball players to deal with, because the effort is there - but they just don't get it. Maybe they didn't play team basketball as a kid. Maybe watching basketball on TV with all their "terms" completely flies over their head. But somehow, because of this player it's like you're playing 4 on 5. And you just don't have the heart to teach them hoping they'll just "get it" one afternoon.

-The Ref. In general, I dislike refs in basketball. I've always thought from all the pick up games I've played in (read - without refs), games get called pretty evenly. There is always give and take in basketball, but unfortunately sometimes there's the one guy who likes to take a lot more than everyone else. Calling travels. Carries in street ball. Arguing every out of bounds. Calling fouls for other players on his team while he personally does not have the ball himself. Counting fouls on opposing players and informing them they "would've fouled out already had this been a real game". Taking charges and then calling them in favor of himself 100% of the time. I cannot stand refs. Out of the entire list I've already written they are the worst.

Writing this list was a bit therapeutic for me because I know I at times I can play a part of each of these. Hopefully if any of this sounds familiar we can all take steps to make a better game - because there is nothing more satisfying than a competitive basketball game...as long as I win.