4 years ago

4 years ago - not to the day, I started writing on a computer.

I started writing in notepad - because it was something to pass the time while I was at work. There is only so much you can talk to your coworkers and sure, there's plenty of web surfing I could do, but that's looked down upon. Not considered, "Business use." And because of that, I started writing.

What came of all that writing was this blog.

It was a way for me to ramble on about my life, a way to pass the time, and many times served as a way to calm myself down. Get out all my thoughts before bed, or clear my head during a stressful time.

Now, soon to be without that job, I'm not sure if I'll be writing anymore. Can I really keep this blog when my day to day activities M-F aren't the same? My routine will be changing a lot (I'm assuming) in the coming months.

I wanted to turn this in to an unemployment blog. The things I'm thinking. How I felt cheated after I actually put effort in to my position.

How I feel helpless now, but a majority of the time I forget about what's happening and just continue living like I have over the past 4 years. Always knowing that when I wake up tomorrow morning on Monday that I've got a job to do, that will continue to pay the bills. It's not that I forget, it's just that I can't continue thinking about it. It's pointless.

I wanted to write about how all of the resumes I've sent in, all the applications I've filled out - how I honestly feel like they'll all end up in the trash somewhere. Virtual trash. And knowing that is very disheartening. That I'm not valuable enough to be head hunted (or not laid off at least) and that there are plenty of other people out there just as hungry for those jobs as I am if not more.

I don't want to go through signing up for new benefits. I don't want to have to change my schedule. I don't want to commute. I don't want to lose my 6 weeks of vacation. I don't want to learn all about my new coworkers wives and husbands and their hobbies. I don't want to have to wear a tie. Or a suit.

But I'll suck it up and do what needs to be done. Because adults take care of their responsibilities.

And I have been an adult for some time.

But the past few weeks have been tough.

I don't know if this happens to you or not, but sometimes while I'm reading a book I might be thinking about something else. My eyes move over the words on the page, but they don't mean anything to me. They're just a sequence of words. And I have to read that paragraph, or that entire page over again to really focus and understand what I just read.

That's what the past 2 weeks have felt like at work. Just going through the motions. Working only because of the slight chance I might continue working for the same company. Working only because they'll continue to pay me. Working only to keep my severance at the end of July.

Eyes glazed over. Nothing processing. Completely turned off upstairs.

Back to the void tomorrow morning.