I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watching Me

I don't want to sleep.

I'm tired. But I don't want to go. I am so tired that it seems more tiring to me to have to stand up - actually back up - log out of my google profile, close my laptop, put the laptop on the table, stand up, get my phone, turn off the lamp, walk upstairs, brush my teeth, and then get in bed - all of that seems harder than actually writing this post.

I like staying up late on Thursday nights. I'm energetic on Fridays because I know I don't have to save any energy for the weekend. Not really though because weekends are pretty tiring too. But at least I'm not sitting in a freaking computer chair all day on Saturday and Sunday. I can be sitting on the couch instead. And rarely do I have to focus. So the anticipation, the excitement, whatever it is. It seems to balance out with how late I stay up on Thursday nights.

And sometimes I think that being really tired throughout the day - not tired enough to just fall asleep - but enough to struggle actually makes the day go by faster. You yawn a lot, you're so tired that you just don't think about much and don't put much effort in to anything. It's nice. I've had that theory since college. Never confirmed it with anyone else though as to whether or not it works.

I have really tried to cut down the time on my showers. It's not working. I know what my problem is. I like to shower too much. Sometimes I'll just sit around trying to get cold before I take a shower. Because I like to take a hot shower. Even in summer. But that's the worst. Maybe not the worst, but it's pretty terrible. Taking a shower to clean off all the sweat that's been baked on you from the day's heat only to get out of the shower sweating because for some reason you took a really hot shower even though it's still 87 degrees inside your house. Cause God knows the cold showers don't really work either - you're cold and miserable while you're in the shower but once you step out it's still a freaking sauna in your house.

Sounds like someone needs air conditioning.

Today I ate crap. 2 eggos for breakfast. Leftover mexican food for lunch...combined with mash potatoes and gravy and fried chicken from KFC. Not really combined, but uhhh...as a side dish? I really didn't have enough leftovers from either meal to make a total meal - so it was a mish mash hodgepodge of sorts. Then, when the wife got home we were trying to think of what to do for dinner seeing as how our grocery shopping over the weekend had once again failed us and we really only had enough food for about 4 meals, half of which I ate during the week for my lunch.

I suggested "Burger or Asian food". I really wanted asian food. Anything. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Mongolian. But it's a rare day when she's up for it. I should've taken her up on the Mongolian request last weekend. Bad choice on my part. She of course chose burger. So throw a burgermaster burger and fries dipped in tartar sauce on to my "crap I ate today" list.

Previous life me would've never thought twice. Would have never kept this food journal in his head. Would have never felt a twinge of guilt. In fact, previous me would've laughed and said, "Have a few beers to wash it down! Then let's go get 4th meal."

In fact, my stomach is growling right now. Guess I shouldn't have stayed up.

So

Embarassingly, I did step aerobics through On Demand. Yes. Comcast offers excercise TV On Demand. And previously I had only used it for the ab workouts - which are killer because my GD core is so GD weak.

I wanted to go play basketball at the local court but I didn't want to leave the house (swine flu). I really wanted to hit the punching bag and jump rope. But that would mean I would have to move the car out - and hitting the bag like I do makes some serious noise. Even without my "I will destroy your face" music blaring in the garage. Then since I didn't do the boxing thing I wanted to go for a run...but the sun had already set and I hate running in the dark. Always excuses.

So there I was, marching in place to the TV, learning a whole series of movements to get my "heartrate up and melting away that fat!". Never understanding how trainers can yell out directions on what to do next through a set of smiling pearly whites.

Seriously - I had to stop. About 20 minutes in to the 30 minute program, I imagined someone watching me do this and immediately felt ridiculous. I had also barely worked up a sweat since the moves weren't that challenging either. I guess "cardio fat burn" meant, "If you're really fat here is some (quote unquote) 'cardio' that you can do which is so much better for you than eating those pork rinds in bed" but they just didn't have enough room to put that in the description of the program. I guess.

I know I am doing the right thing by my body. Watching what I eat and feeling guilty about not working out. But there is a certain line that I might have crossed over tonight...I feel like the guy who wears a speedo out to the beach for the first time.

Not really, but maybe someday I'll know that feeling. We all have dreams right.

Until then, just say no to step aerobics.