I wonder

I couldn’t come up with a title, so I wrote the first thing in my head:

I wonder how many blogs die due to lack of postings? There are so many out there, and I’m sure there’s so many people that don’t have anything to write about. Like me.

I have nothing to write about. I did nothing this weekend. Watched a lot of TV. Lot of football. Ate at Applebee’s and Denny’s. Christ my heart must hate me.

I need to cut my butt hair. If there’s anywhere that my hair needs to grow, it’s on my head. Not my freaking asshole. Shit. Yuck, that is way too much information, but it is what I was thinking.

On Friday, I packed up all of my shit at work to make it look like no one worked in my cubicle. Typically I don’t have much out, but without my sticky notes, random books and tacks in my wall, it looks pretty empty. One of my ex-coworkers, who is now my idol, used to have his desk like that. Very bare. Everyone knew he hated his life, his job, was an all around sad guy. His girlfriend of X years broke up with him the weekend before he started working. He was about to propose to her. Months later he found out she lived across the street with one of his good guys friends. Turns out they were dating. He wasn’t getting over her any time soon.

I read somewhere that if you don’t have sex often, you lose the intimacy. Interesting. That’s all I’d like to say about that.

My poker career has come to a grinding halt. I made $831 last month. This month I have made $410. HOWEVER, I have spent $550 on erroneous items. When I spend on “fun” stuff I say, “Ok, it’s alright because I’ve won X amount”. But it’s not alright! Because to me, I’m down $140 for this month. Many of you might say, “But Seth! You’ve won most of that money! Who cares if you spend some of it?” I do. Believe it or not, that’s work. Since November I’ve played almost 100 single table tournaments at the $60 level. Each one takes roughly 45 minutes to an hour. I play them typically 2 or 3 at a time. So, I’ve played 50 hours over the past two months for roughly $1200. Not too shabby. But still it does become a bit of a grind at times. (Like right now).

It is tough to give it up. It is tough to give up something that you like, and that makes you money, but after 2 hours a night, you get bored of, and even at times begin to hate. The stress is unneeded. I wonder if I’m getting my ulcer back again. My stomach hurts sometimes like it is coming back. Stress for 10 hours a day at work, and then fun, yet stressful poker for 2 hours a night. 12 hours of stress.

Michelle was sick this weekend. We were boring. Hopefully we’ll get a chance to go up to the mountains sometime soon. I want to plan a vacation. I’ve got 3 weeks of vacation and Michelle has got 2. So, I have an extra 5 days that I can do whatever I want to. We are trying to plan our wedding. I should go on a diet before the wedding. Freaking lose 10 pounds or something. Sometimes I think about when I was a kid, I always thought I would be famous for something. Then I realized I was a piece of shit and would be lucky to even get my 15 minutes of fame.

I wish I had a list of things to do. Every night. And every weekend. Someone should give me a list. That just says, ok, you’ll be in “work mode” from 7:20 am to 6:15 pm today. At 6:20, rest, 6:45 eat dinner, 7:00…On and on. That would be nice. Sometimes having all this freedom is kind of mind numbing. It gets to the point of, “I should go somewhere, but where should I go? I should do something, but what should I do? Doing something would cost money, money that I need to be saving for the house. Maybe I should play poker? Naw. I should’ve gone for a run this morning, it was dry until the rain came. Damn, I’m sofa king (heh) lazy. I don’t want to watch TV or read a book or play guitar or play piano, or bug my sister, maybe when Michelle calls, she’ll have an idea in mind.” Today when she called, she said, "Can you help me move a couch?" We moved a couch we bought for the house. I think that was the most action I saw today.

But, I am alive. And, I’m not hungry. That’s saying a lot. I can’t wait to move out. I hate being cooped up in this house. Maybe it was my dinner tonight? The fact that I’m going to eat a meal from Applebee’s 3 times? Once there, once for dinner tonight and then more leftovers for lunch tomorrow? The idea of eating that crap for lunch tomorrow makes me want to puke. I have not done that since May 2004. Fucking A. Amazing, it’s 2006. So far, it’s strangely familiar to last year. Hope yours isn’t. Ok, I’m giving up. I’m going to bed now.