Fuck It

Today was going alright.

Just fine.

Until I got home from a meeting with a Key Bank retirement specialist and realized that I was disappointed and partly angry.

So I popped open a couple beers.

And drank to let out a little bit. Lately, I can't be fucking angry without having a few drinks. I bottle it up while I'm sober, never let go, until I feel like I can let loose a little bit.

We're looking at a majority rollover for my dad.

My dad, who, over 40 years of working has put away less than $2500 per year. And yes, that even includes a match from his company that is giving away free money, matching dollar for dollar up to $15,000 a year.

Thank God for my mom. She's going to keep working to keep the family afloat. Because without her my dad would run out of money pretty quickly.

As I'm assuming many of the baby boomer generation will be doing here shortly. Sure, you can retire. I mean, yeah, you're over 60. Good for you, you've worked for 40 years or more. But what do you have to show for it? Can you live off of social security alone? I'm not so sure.

So I had a few drinks. Ate dinner. Held it in.

And now?

I feel like a masochist.

Every so often, I think about burning it all down. I'm not sure if anyone else has the same thoughts.

Leave the life. Forget about the mortgage and the rest of the bills. Withdraw the entire retirement fund and head to Vegas.

Drink exorbitant amounts. Make a mess of myself. Lose it all and get back to reality amidst a fog of shame. Even still, I might have felt like I had "cleaned the slate". Give myself a chance to "reset".

But I don't have the freedom to do that. I mean, I guess I do. But would I ever do it? Probably not.

What is the point though? Is the point to, nearing the "Golden Years" of your life, be sitting in front of a banker offering you a 3% return on your money for the rest of your life? Is that the point? After all those years - all that time spent busting your ass in your so-called "career" only to be basically given a number that you're supposed to "enjoy" for the rest of your life?

I had a hard time not taking it out on the wife and the dog tonight.

Venting on here has helped though.

But in the end?

Fuck it.