Most Unrelaxing Thanksgiving Weekend Ever

The In Law Grandma.

Imagine George Costanza’s mom. That’s what she sounds like. Nasally – scratchy voice. She’s 80 years old and doesn’t give an EFF about anyone but herself. Quick with the tongue, and just tries to get in to shouting matches with people – again because she doesn’t give an eff. And if it’s silent? She has to talk. She has to say something and most of the time it’s complaining. She’s super hypocritical and thinks her opinion is the bible. God forbid you disagree with anything she says. And if you actually start talking with her? She has to OVERTALK you and her voice gets louder the more you talk.

Examples of her terribleness which made my weekend hell:

-She walks through the door, first thing – “I’m thirsty. Can I have some water?” “Yes.” “Where are your cups.” “In the cupboard.” “Is it OK if I use one of these glasses?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Ok, do you drink out of the tap here? I don’t like to drink tap water.” “No, we have a Pur in the fridge” “Oh, well I have a Brita at home, I think it tastes better. You guys should buy a brita instead.” *starts to grab our pur water* “Ohhh jeez, this thing is heavy! I don’t think my Brita is this heavy. I think the shape of my brita makes it less awkward to lift – for us old ladies and all.”

That’s just a glass of water.

-My guest bathroom. We told her not to lock the hallway bathroom door so we could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She locked it on her first night here. I had to hold my p33 from 3 am to 5:30 am when she finally woke up and I could get in through her bedroom.

-Since there were 5 of us, we could all fit in one car. Not once did she offer the front seat to either me or the wife's mom (the 2 biggest people out of the 5 of us). So I was always crunched in the back seat with one of us sitting yatch. She “deserves” to ride in the front seat from all those years of being an awesome mom/grandma. *rolls eyes*

-She didn’t pay for ONE meal. The wife and I and her parents split them. She didn’t pay for ONE tank of gas. The wife's parents FLEW to tampa to pick her up because flying is “Such a pain” for her. We gave her a Christmas present (glitter painting of her dog) because we knew we wouldn’t be seeing her over Christmas. She gave us nothing.

-We went to the beach after our good thanksgiving meal (it was 72 degrees and sunny here). When we got there she immediately started complaining because the wind was making her cold and she wouldn’t even leave the car (after stepping out and feeling the STANDARD coastal breeze). We had asked her if she was sure she had wanted to go to the beach before we left.

-After climbing the stairs to our apt once she sat down in a huff (super out of shape) and said, “Phew! If I walked like that everyday (from the garage to our apt) I would feel 100% better! (Captain obvious statements like this all weekend)

-When she ran out of things to complain about, she’d start complaining about restaurants she – NONE of us have ever been to. “Look at that place over there (we’re walking downtown) I bet that place has 100 things on the menu and they’re all CRAP. I mean, how does a place like that stay in business? Why does the community support them?” Me: Well you don’t have to eat there if you don’t want to. “I won’t!”

-We took her to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning. For the people that have gone, IMO it’s pretty cool. Good time. Get out, see the locals, try out some good food. Her: Do you like these sort of things? Me: Yeah, I think it’s fun. Her: It’s just so much work though. Me: Really? Her: Yes, I used to work one of these down in Florida twice a year. Me: Wow. Must’ve been tough. Her: It was a thankless job for a stupid art community.

Destroyer of fun.

-5:30 am on my first day off (thanksgiving morning): We’re sleeping out on the floor. She comes out and turns on the BRIGHT kitchen light, still sees us sleeping and says, “OOOPPPS” really loud (IMO trying to wake us up) and then proceeds to ground her coffee beans. Later that morning, “Did I wake you guys up? Cause I didn’t mean to wake you guys up. I was just going nutty in that room on my own without my coffee!”

I think I've had enough for the next couple of years. Hope to see you in 2011 grandma.