Running and Goals

I’m not sure what happened to me.

I’ve been a runner ever since cross country in high school, but ever since high school I’ve been running sporadically. Maybe once a week during the summer, and not at all during the winter.

I figured I had enough running with the long hours I used to spend at the IMA playing basketball. And I was fit. So it’s not like I needed the extra workout. But then alcohol came along. And Dick’s at 3 in the morning, or maybe A pizza mart. Extravagant (not really) trips to whistler that included eating out every 4 hours on top of a drink with every meal. Work. Work happened.

And somewhere along the line, I went from being a “skinny” 190 lb kid to a “beer bellied” 205 lb guy. And I know. I know it’s not that big of a difference. I know that people would look at that and say, “Well I know X guy who’s gained 100 lbs since high school”. But I’m not that guy.

So I set a few goals for myself. By 2008 I will be dunking with at least 1 hand. I’m working on my vertical leap (I only need to add about 3 inches – sounds a lot easier than it actually is) and I want to run the Seattle Marathon. What the fuck, this will be my “quarter life crisis” since I’ll be turning 25 in April anyway. Run 26 miles to bring on the 26^th year in my life? Sure. Sounds like a good idea.

What started it all: I’m back in the gym. Sports is the reason why I work out. Some people work out to look good. Others just do it just because it’s “something to do”. Some people set resolutions for themselves to “lose weight this year” but I wonder the percentage of people still sticking to their resolution by March 15^th? This is partly the reason I stayed away from the gym for most of January…to avoid the “non-regulars” the “seasonals” as I like to call them.

With Michelle introducing back in to organized basketball in the Boeing league, I’ve got a reason to be in shape. I don’t want to be the guy getting left when someone charges hard from 25 feet out to the key. I don’t want to be the guy, during playoffs that’s bent over on the bench, almost about to puke from running so hard. I’ll admit, our team isn’t in the top division, but even in the lower divisions over the past 2 seasons (past 2 quarters) we’ve barely been about .500. I’ve wanted that to change. I’ve wanted our team to run hard, play tough D and win. I don’t claim to be the reason we’ve done so well this season, but I’ve felt much better during our games and we’re off to our best start ever, 4-0.

Running is an interesting thing for me. It’s like “optional work”. I don’t know if anyone feels like I do almost every morning, but every morning I wake up, I say to myself, “I don’t really want to go to work, but I have to.” So I do. With running, it’s completely my choice. Maybe I should say it’s more like a college class. I don’t really have to go if I don’t want to, but wouldn’t I feel better about spending my time learning in the class room setting taking advantage of the money that was spent to pay for that tuition?

Just getting started is the hardest part. Gathering up my running clothes, getting changed, setting up my nike+ (my new favorite toy!)…and mainly just having so many different excuses to not go running is the hardest part about running. Getting out and going there. And when my schedule isn’t the same every week, that makes it tough too. The schedule is this: Lift at least twice a week. Run at least twice a week. Basketball once a week.

The problem with the schedule? There’s no set time or dates for any of it. It’s all very “free form” because it is my “free time”. I just wish I could have that feeling every time I finished. I wished I could know that feeling immediately as I began running. That feeling of accomplishment. The feeling that I pushed myself.

And it’s weird, because I know that feeling. I’ve felt it many times. It’s just having that desire to get to that point that holds me up.

But once I get started (when I do get started) that 30 minutes of running that I do is great. The first 10 minutes I usually spend clearing my head. I’ve constantly got about 3-4 things on my mind. Bills I’ve got to pay. Jobs I’ve got to apply for. Something mean that someone emailed to me and why it affected me emotionally…But once I hit that 5-10 minute mark, it’s clear. My mind is “clean” for lack of a better way to describe it. My focus suddenly shifts.

It shifts to my breathing. The rhythmic in and out of my breath. My foot strikes. Am I using too much toe? Am I rolling my left foot from in to out too much? What’s my speed like right now?

By the end of my run, my focus turns to muscles burning. Which muscles are hurting me right now? My calves, my thighs…can’t stop now…more than halfway finished…here comes the hill, push hard until the top and then you can coast down the back end. This is me hustling to the ball faster than them. This is me out lasting them. What was that sound? Imagine that dog barking is chasing you…run faster…

It’s all very weird self-talk shit that I put myself through. You get a lot of silence (I don’t listen to music when running) when you’re out there on the road in 30 degree weather by yourself for 30 minutes. My neighbors probably think I’m crazy because I typically end my runs with a half-sprint where I come in to our cul-de-sac looking half dead and stripping off my clothes while stretching out.

But I love it. And the fact that it’s good for my body makes it all the better. If I could just help other people with my running, people in need, it would be the perfect act. Wait, I can run marathons and have people sponsor me per mile to donate to good causes right? My life is over…

The idea of running a marathon – and doing well, not having the ambulance drive me across the line as many have proposed – seems like a very daunting task. I was reading up about training for it and some of the web sites suggested running 10 miles in the morning, 10 miles at night. TEN MILES. My normal run right now is 3.2 miles, and that’s still a bit tough for me. My hope was to build up to 10 miles by this summer, have the ability to run 10 miles and just GO, and then do that every other day during the week. After running those every other day, I want to run the full marathon amount (~27 miles) over the weekend.

But just thinking about that makes me kind of freak out. 27 miles? Seriously? I don't think I've ever run that far over 10 miles...and that was in High School...

And I was thinking today about caloric intake. 27 miles would be more than 4 hours straight of running. Right now I run 3.2 miles in 30 minutes and burn 500 calories. Multiply that by 8 and you've got a burn of 4000 calories. A dieter's dream...so I was asking my doctor today (I got a physical) and she said that my "body would adjust" and would try to balance out everything I was burning.

Just for that fact alone, I am interested to see how I do at running 27 miles. And I've got 9 months and counting to properly train. Everyone's been telling me that I need at least a year to train properly. I think that I can usually accomplish tasks (when I dedicate myself to them) at a much faster rate than the average person...

I hope I don't get hurt/injured...

Values

I love to read.

Rarely do I get to read anymore. Last year, I read a lot. The year before that I was reading a lot. From my count about 8-10 books a year. And then the 4 years before that I was just reading text books mainly. Maybe one “for fun” book during the summers. Just as of this past year I stopped reading. Maybe it was because I was reading so much online. So many emails. Web forums. Articles on almost anything, everything you could find on wikipedia. Linking from one subject to the next, taking on pointless little tidbits I’d figure would be useful the next time I was in a bar. Or maybe something to mention to the wife during a silent moment in the car.

And I’d say I had stopped reading since about this past March. I don’t know. Things got busy. Owning a house is a lot of work. I can’t even imagine doing this with children, let alone children and a dog. But finally, since I’ve got some time and I’m working on a few things (about myself), I got back in to reading. And admittedly, (and I’ve always known this) I feel more wholesome reading. I feel more calm. I feel excited about the person I am or motivated to do things to change my part of the world. And I believe that wholesomeness is created by the TV turning off. By me avoiding worthless games where I defeat enemies that were programmed long before I even shot them down, and will be there, waiting for me whenever I want. And avoiding, sadly, the internet. Something I already spend 6 hours a day on at work.

And I enjoy reading things that change my mind on subjects. That challenge my thoughts. Because even the smallest tinkering of my mind is still better than me learning about the background of Justin Timberlake’s latest film “Alpha Dog”. In the scheme of things, something like that is so miniscule it’s ridiculous we waste our breath, or even my writing on it. I used to read “brain candy” books. John Grisham, Wilbur Smith, and yes I even got in to Dan Brown. But rarely did I learn anything from those…

So, of course, I’m hanging from Obama Barack’s nuts now. More importantly, I’m hanging from Oprah’s…I guess…nuts…well, something I’m hanging off of from her. Ever since “Poisonwood Bible”, I’ve been buying up her book club stuff for years. Shit if books had a stock value to them I’d be throwing my entire net worth in to any book Oprah endorsed. Because it is excellent stuff. And it gives me the much needed motivation and excuse to read. And the reason for my title tonight? Something that I’ve thought about a lot lately, but just wasn’t able to write out as eloquently as Obama, from “The Audacity of Hope”:

“When I was a community organizer back in the eighties, I would often challenge neighborhood leaders by asking them where they put their time, energy, and money. Those are the true tests of what we value, I’d tell them, regardless of what we tell ourselves. If we aren’t willing to pay a price for our values, if we aren’t willing to make some sacrifices in order to realize them, then we should ask ourselves whether we truly believe in them at all.

By these standards at least, it sometimes appears that Americans today value nothing so much as being rich, thin, young, famous, safe and entertained.”

This rung so true with me it was ridiculous. This is the part where I get excited. When someone nails me right on the head when I knew I was doing something that wasn’t working just right, but could open my eyes up to something I could possibly start changing about myself.

What do I value? Entertainment. Safety. Money. Looks.

Earlier in the “Values” chapter he goes on to talk about all the stuff we like to “talk” about…but rarely do any of us take any action.

None of us like that fact that many inner city school children cannot read at a 2^nd grade level when in the 6^th grade. But how many of us have actually taken the time to volunteer and help those kids out? No one wants to be in the inner city…remember, “Safety”.

So people look to the government. They say, “Hey! We want you to fix our schools and we don’t want to pay another dime in taxes!” I look at my retirement accounts every day. And I’ll fight tooth and nail to get as high of a raise as I feel I deserve. Did I ever fight this hard when it came to anything else? “Money”.

Instead of keeping quality teachers in Washington state, or providing better technology to help our children compete in the future against other countries which are either 1) Quickly gaining on us or 2) Already surpassed us in intelligence/work ethic, we are looking to spend millions of dollars to build another arena. You know, that thousand dollars you spent on season tickets to the Hawks, those thousands of people that did…If each of them had put even a quarter of that money in to their local schools I’m sure it would’ve made a huge difference. “Entertainment”

And lastly, what do I see when I turn on my TV? When I sit and listen to people complain? It’s about how fat they are. It’s about how they wish they could change themselves. It’s about how in a few years they’ll be considering plastic surgery. And sure, I run and workout every other day, and yes, part of it is for my health. But mainly? I’d rather have a six pack than the six pack of beer I’ve got sitting on my gut right now. “Looks”.

So for me, it’s time for a self-audit. And it’s almost kind of sick to be excited about something like that. But as I mentioned before, it’s self-development. Growth. And of course the cynical side of me will still battle with these thoughts. I mean sure I may feel like I’m progressing, but what am I progressing towards?

But really, that’s a lot deeper than I’d like to get in for right now.

Random Rambling Post

Sometimes I wish everything that I wrote had meaning. Or had a point. Or had a direction I was going in. But sometimes I feel like not being so serious and just writing. Hopefully this can be one of those types of posts.

Last night I had a dream that I got a weekly report from my assistant manager that I was doing “medium”. I woke up this morning feeling kind of uneasy because as of the past year I’ve been the “all star” which isn’t that hard when your department is 8 people large and not growing.

Medium. That’s kind of funny. That’s not even a real rating. It’s more of a size. Maybe that’s what kind of bothered me about it.

Before going to sleep I was laughing pretty hard because I was thinking about Michelle’s phone conversation with sears earlier on in the afternoon. While calling a Sears “appliance specialist” the phone rang through to the sound of people talking in the background and someone typing nearby. Since I’ve worked on the phones basically all my life, I know this was basically someone not paying attention to their phone ringing. The phone automatically picking up, and them leaving the headset somewhere on their desk.

The best part of it was Michelle trying to get the attention of anyone there. Just the way she was half yelling, “HELLO!” in to the phone without being too loud, but loud enough…the “Is anybody there? Is anybody working?” And finally after 5 minutes of this and me chuckling to myself, she finally hung up. The annoying thing is; they’ve got the automated voice response system. You know, the woman who asks how she can help you? And then she says, “If you need help with appliances say, ‘Appliances’”. And then when you say, “Applian-“ she cuts you off and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. For more help you can either say…”

Grrr…frustrating.

After getting married, Michelle changed her last name to mine. You know what I find annoying? The women who have to hyphenate their last name. If your name is so important to you, why not just keep it? Are you trying to show balance between your name and your husband’s name and that’s why you’re hyphenating it? And your children…you’re going to force them to include that hyphen all their lives? And what happens if you have a son who marries a woman that wants to hyphen their name? Does it become name-name-name? And whose name comes first? If the reason you are hyphenating your last name is to show “balance” (really I don’t know the reason why, I guess I could wiki it) then who’s name goes first? And if a name shows up first wouldn’t that create an “imbalance” between the names? Why not create a hybrid name?

I mean, I’ve heard of the people with 4+ names in their name, but don’t you think it’d get a little tiring? Then again, I’m the guy who thinks most people should just have 1 syllable first names. Yes, I am that lazy. But obviously not lazy enough to ponder stupid shit like hyphenating last names.

http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_011607WABmarthalakeKC.49c1e46b.html

The winter takes another life.

Interestingly enough I’ve been wanting to walk out on my pond…definitely not as deep as Martha Lake (probably 5 feet at the deepest) since I used to walk out on ponds when I was a kid after a few weeks of freezing temperatures. And interestingly enough, I used to throw rocks on to the ice to try and break it or poke holes right next to where I was standing to see where the water was. I’m glad we didn’t get any fish or coy for the pond…they would’ve been long frozen by now…

Frustration: When you have “friends” or “a friend” who doesn’t respond to 3 different forms of contact. Over a week period I have left 1 voicemail, sent 2 texts and sent 1 email. Wouldn’t this be enough for someone to realize that you were trying to get a hold of them to ask them something? The only way I see this not working as valid means of contacting someone is for the following reasons: 1) They are in a remote location or on vacation and left all contacting devices at home. 2) They have no way to contact you because they have either 2a) Dropped their cell phone in to a hot tub/ocean/bath tub/etc. 2b) Lost their cell phone completely 2c) Haven’t had access to their email for over 2 weeks. 3) They’ve read through your texts/emails and listened to your voicemail but just got too caught up in other things to answer your question/request.

How likely that is for these people to be in one of these situations...or all three at the same time? I’m thinking very unlikely. Which leads me to another point. Let’s say I never responded to emails or phone calls or texts. Would anyone still talk to me? Maybe I should start following other’s examples and just either ignoring their calls or texts or just “forgetting” to call back? Who needs flaky friends anyway?

On a less serious note, I think one of the most simple yet satisfying things a person can do is to pick a big booger. I love to pick my boogers. Especially the ones that you don’t grab on the first “pick”. You’ve got to go back in there and dig around until you grab it. And then BAM…when you pull that sucker out…sometimes it’s so large that it’s actually impressive (to me). And I feel better that I was able to get something that large out of my nostril. And yes, of course I think boogers are gross. Unfortunately sometimes I’m proud of mine…

The Worst Winter Ever

Ok, so it’s only January 11th, 2007 right now. And I know, there’s probably still a couple months ahead of us until The Worst Winter Ever (TWWE) is over. And honestly? The only thing I think could change my mind about this winter? Was if a tropical wind blew through here and all of a sudden it was Hawaii. Yes, not Hawaii like weather. Not just 82 degrees and humid, but the darn thing actually brought the beaches, waves, and how about some of the luaus too? That would nice for those of us who have witnessed first hand TWWE.

There may be some people that might question me in saying, “how is it possible that this was the worst winter ever?”

Let me go through and point out some of the differences between this winter and winters past:

October:

October had nothing wrong with it. Everything was basically normal. I really had no complaints. We did drop below 30 degrees a few times. Not unheard of. This is your so called “calm before the storm”. You can’t really include October in the winter months because I consider it as one of the fall months. So, I’m not really sure why I included it here. Maybe I just want my blog to be as content-happy as possible. Or keep up with my preset standards of writing way too much to explain basically nothing.

November AKA “Rain”:

The rain didn’t stop. And it wasn’t just “Seattle rain”. Because Seattle rain is nice. Seattle rain is mid 40s to mid 50s in temperature, and a light drizzle or mist. The rain is so unaffecting it’s like when you get caught at the grocery store in the produce isle and they decide to “wash” the vegetables (supposedly to keep them fresh or clean, or maybe both – how that works, I have no idea). People can function in that rain. Sure it’s a little gloomy, and yes, now the days are starting to get shorter, but everyone is excited for Thanksgiving and the coming holidays. This year was different. Instead of that nice, light mist, we received down pours. Yes, plural. It was like God was doing his dishes, cleaning out one of his pots he used to make soup for all of his children, (or maybe just one hungry one) and was filling it up with water to rinse and he dumped it on all of us, Seattle. God’s in-sink-erator. By the 15th of November I was thinking to myself, “this has got to be some sort of record”. And sure enough, by the 16th it was. Not even barely past half way through the month and we had already broken the record for the wettest month recorded in Seattle history.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2003433002_weather16m.html

(Article to rain record on the 19th of November)

But the weather doesn’t know records. I understand that records are meant to be broken. But typically records are just barely edged out. This one was crushed. In my lifetime, I’m unsure if I’ll ever see this again. Just as a little excerpt, I thought this was interesting: “Forks, annually the wettest place in Washington gets an average of 17.72" in November and currently has 28.24". (http://climate.washington.edu/events/2006NovRain.html) Only 6 inches off of double what they normally receive. And everyone knows what almost 1” of precipitation per day can do to an area…flood it. There were plenty of people who had to evacuate their homes because the water from the surrounding rivers had come up too high. What usually were puddles on the streets had now become ponds. Back when I lived out in Issaquah, I remember driving through carnation and thinking how it would a total swamp if that place ever got enough rain. And sure enough, on the news, there was carnation. People traveling by boat on what used to be roads…

Grisly death story: A woman was trapped in her basement while it flooded. She screamed for help as the basement filled with water until it filled to the ceiling. Water pressure kept the door to the basement closed on her so she was not able to get out. Neighbors heard her screams and called 911. They tried to resuscitate her when they finally got to her, but were unsuccessful. Drowning in your own basement? Ridiculous.

December AKA “Snow and Wind”:

Near the end of November is when we started getting the snow. Snow around here typically isn’t that bad. I’ve seen some bad snow before, but back then to me it was, “AWESOME SCHOOL CLOSURE SNOW!!!” The snow isn’t really that mentionable, seeing as I received at the most 6-8” at my house which is almost laughable to many other states/countries during winter. However, the cold front that moved in immediately after the snow was no fun at all. All of that snow turned to ice on the road ways + All of the transplants from California + All of the native idiots from here in their big bad AWD/4X4 SUVs who think they can tackle any weather? Rubber on ice is rubber on ice. No matter what car you drive. Anyway, it makes for interesting times on the road. I remember reading in the Times about a guy who stayed in his ’98 Mustang for 18 hours overnight because he got stuck on a hill…just so it wouldn’t get stolen – and laughing hysterically about it. 1) No one wants your car buddy. 2) If they wanted your car, do you think they could go far in these conditions?

Normally I can handle myself quite well in the “cold” with just my fleece coat, thick pants and my leather shoes. Not this winter. I remember going on to weather.com in early December and seeing that it was 8 degrees outside. But it felt like ZERO. And that wasn’t just my opinion. It was stated on weather.com.

By mid December, that was done and gone. And finally I was thinking that we might have some “normal” winter weather. You know, the stuff I mentioned earlier. We had gone about 8 days without any problems…until the giant wind storm hit. And yes, again, (hopefully you’re getting the theme by now) every winter we get wind. Sure, we may lose power for a day or have the lights flicker…but we once again, broke a record. It was the highest wind gusts ever recorded in Washington state history. 69 MPH. If you read through the following link, there are just ridiculous things in there: Planes damaged by high winds. PLANES. Cop cars damaged after roof flies off of dealership. And it’s kind of odd how blatant and boring they write what would normally be interesting stuff.

http://www.komotv.com/news/local/4921736.html

Grisly death story: A couple was driving down a heavily wooded highway when they stopped because a large branch was blocking the road. While the man was out of the car trying to move the debris out of the roadway, another tree fell (from the high winds) and crushed both of them. Sometimes it’s just your time to go.

And my personal story? Wind knocks down trees and sends branches (and other debris) flying. Which in turn knocks down power lines, which in turn means that I have no power or heat. Me and a million and a half other people were in the dark. In December I was without power for 6 days total. 4 of which were right after this storm. I have never had my power out for more than 3 days. And the best part of it was? Literally 200 yards from where I lived, those people had power after 2 days. So those extra 2 days were excruciating. When you sit in a house that’s 40 degrees you realize how lucky you are to have power. And being without power those 4 days? Got me sick. Well I suppose it didn’t help that I was still going about my life normally as if the power wasn’t out. Taking a shower and then jumping out of the tub to a freezing house can’t be good for your health. Playing football in the frozen mud in 30 degree temps can’t be good for your health. And the unfortunate thing? It wasn’t a 24 hour sickness. Almost a month later, I’m still coughing from it. Oh and Christmas? Both Michelle and I were sick. New Year’s? Michelle was still sick. I got my dad and my sister sick too. Overall, a successful sickness. *sarcastic*

January AKA “Ok, this can stop now”:

I’m sitting here, at work. It was 23 degrees coming in to work. 2 people out of my 8 person department are not coming in today because of the snow and ice on the roadway. Already 10 days in, I’ve been without power for 3 of them. When you pay almost $150 a day to live in your own home, it’s extremely frustrating to have to stay with family in the guest room because it’s just too cold to stay in your own house. With most winters, I’m ready for them to end by February. Move this one to today, January 11th. I am ready for this winter to end now.

Where’s that Hawaiian breeze? One of the managers here wrapped his cube in posters of Arizona to make himself feel warmer while he was at work. Sometimes, the mind and body can only take enough…

Being Useful

Yesterday afternoon while relaxing after work, I was flipping through channels. Usually I’ll flip through the first large networks to see what they’ve got on…ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX. I stopped at NBC because Oprah had a guest I was interested in. Someone I was interested in listening to and getting a little background on: Barack Obama. Hopefully, in my eyes now, the next US president. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama

He’s well spoken and a great writer. He’s handsome. He’s half black. He’s well educated and is optimistic about our future. Other than Denzel Washington or Oprah herself, I’m not sure how we could get a better person to lead this nation. I’m not registered to vote, so I know that some of you may point at me and say, “You have no right to say anything on this subject because you didn’t contribute to the entire election process”. And all I have to say to that is a few things. First of all, in the past, I didn’t care. My vote wouldn’t have made the difference between Bush and Gore or Clinton and Dole. I wanted Clinton (right about the time I started to realize how much a president affects this country), and he won. I wanted Gore, but in my opinion, the guy lost the election for himself.

And the only law that I felt strongly for? Was the indoor smoking ban we passed here in Washington roughly a year ago. And it passed by a large margin. Really, would me having taken a few hours of my time during election season have changed any of these things? No. It wouldn’t have. And the smoking ban was all I cared for. Now obviously this is a problem. Not only do I feel this way, but I am sure there are millions of other Americans that feel the same way. How can we call our government a “democracy” when over half of it’s constituents don’t even participate?

And this is the problem. Just like the corporate world, employees of large corporations (at least here in my company) have completely lost the sense of ownership, or pride over what their company, or their country in this instance, stands for. The gap between someone like myself and our CEO is so large that there’s no way I could relate, or even possibly have a normal conversation with her unless I somehow was able to schedule one. But even then…what would we talk about? That emotional disconnect, the apathy…that’s what is occurring in this country. And it’s been happening for years now. People just don’t care anymore. And in turn, it creates selfish, fearful creatures who won’t even wave to their neighbors in fear of offending them or getting shot. Does that sound like a place you want to live in?

I really hope that Obama makes the run for the presidency. He’s leading most democratic polls for who the presidential candidate should be, barely inking out Senator McCain. (Thanks CNN for your lovely graph). But after only watching 1 hour (42 minutes sans commercials) of him and his wife with Oprah, the emotional attachment was there again. Here’s a guy I think a lot of Americans who are tired of the cynicism can latch on to and hopefully swing their thoughts more towards hope and a brighter future.

The most interesting part of the interview (other than the laughs and awesome family anecdotes) was when Oprah asked Obama what he thought was the most important question for Americans to ask of themselves. And he responded with something like this: Are you being useful? Are you contributing to your community instead of just thinking of yourself? And he continued on saying how much better this country would be if everyone would step up and consider more than just “what’s best for me?”

And although I’m not a fan of new year’s resolutions, I wanted to try to implement this question in the coming year, and hopefully for the rest of my life. This was part of the reason for this blog. It was for personal growth and reflection, even though at times it may have just been my outlet to vent or share certain events in my life. It is giving me the ability to challenge my own thoughts/ways of life on paper to help me make a more concerted effort to evolve in to a person I love and respect (not that I don’t already, I’m just continually on the look out to better myself in any way).

So Senator Obama – If you do end up being a presidential candidate, you’ve finally driven me (after 6 years of having the ability to) to register and vote. And in the near future hopefully I won’t be forgetting your question.

Am I being useful?

Cynicism – Office Style

One of my favorite shows right now is “The Office”. The main reason is because it reminds me of where I work. And it basically makes most of my darkest thoughts while I’m in my office come true. The show lives on a constant barrage of racial slurs, “un-pc” terms and actions, and the fake enthusiasm that abounds from the higher ups but always seems to fall on deaf ears when it gets to those on the ground level of the company.

And everyone has their own reaction to how things occur in “The Office” and also in my office. There are the people that just aren’t there. The people who do their jobs, and just shrug off everything else. They are neither excited nor offended by anything that occurs in the office. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, you have people that are the brown noses. Those that suck up to their direct manager hoping that their good office “relationship” will in fact get them somewhere in the near future. They try their best to always show themselves in the best light. Mindless drones that follow commands like my dog does for treats.

Then, there’s the group I put myself in. The cynics. The people that sarcastically laugh in the face of both of these groups (more of the 2nd type though). I take my job as it is. I do not exert more effort than is required. My job does not define who I am and my job is not my life. Now if my job was actually interesting, or if I had some sort of larger responsibility to this company (read: power, more specifically the power to change things) then just possibly the job might mean more to me. But until that point, I’m just going to cross my arms and laugh.

Let me give you an example of something I sat through today:

http://www.the212movie.com/

We were sent to an hour long meeting, half of which was pointlessly wasted on this. My hope is that many of you find this hilarious. Because really, it belongs in some sort of comedy skit. And the reason why it is funny to me? I can just imagine the guy working on this animation. Having an entire script he’s got to include on it. Making sure he’s using photos that aren’t copy written…all that hard work just so that I could give an over emotional clap at the end of it. 212 degrees. You know what else water does at 212 degrees? It burns your freaking hand. Why didn’t they show the guy in the ER with the burn blisters on his hand from spilling boiling water on himself while trying to make a bowl of chicken noodle soup? Why did they go the route of the locomotive?

I’ll tell you why: Because they’re trying to motivate us. YOU. They’re yelling at YOU. NOW is the time. YOU must take control of your destiny. I MUST HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER UNTIL THIS VIDEO IS OVER. Luckily one of my coworkers busted up first…a fellow cynic. I just followed and then continued on with the *almost* standing ovation at the end of it. Seriously, it almost brought a tear to my eye. So vague. So generic. So riveting.

And me? The cynic? PFFFTTTT…I’ll be here the same time tomorrow. In fact, I was here right after that meeting. Did that video evoke any sort of emotion from me to do better in my job? Nope. I’m doing the same job I was before. Except now I have something to add to my blog. And to continue on with the theme:

Near Thanksgiving a mass email was sent (they are all always getting sent to me about “Spirit!” and things like, “Having a Positive Attitude!”) only saying one thing. Names have been removed to protect the innocent. I am such a blatant cynic that I confront those from other groups and laugh at my conniving ways. The first email sent starts at the top:

Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:57 PM
To:
Subject: *** 516 ***

The number 516.
You'll find out tomorrow what is special about this number!

From: Q, SETH
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:59 PM
To:
Subject: RE: *** 516 ***

I just heard from my doctor that I’ve only got until midnight tonight to live

Can you please tell me what this means today?

From:
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 3:05 PM
To: Q, SETH
Subject: RE: *** 516 ***


Oh my, don't kid about things like that.
If you won't be here tomorrow, I would be willing to reveal to you in email…
but only if you wont be here tomorrow!!

This is the kind of stuff I deal with on almost a daily basis. I’m glad my office can provide such great entertainment for me. And of course, I understand the root cause of all this cynicism…but that’s all too deep of stuff for me to be talking about for today. For now, just enjoy the stuff I’m sure most of us have to sit through each day…and hopefully you can laugh at it instead of hanging yourself…

Rando "Holiday" Thoughts

Since I haven’t had a post in a while, I figured I’d write one. I’d like to get out 4-6 of them before this month is over, since I only wrote 2 (2 right?) last month.

And since I haven’t had a random thoughts post in a while, I’d figure I’d go that route.

Every morning that I work, I set my phone alarm for some time between 5:30 and 5:55 am. In my phone, you can name different alarms. One says, “Vegas!”. Others say, “Lose 10 pounds bitch!” or “Time’s up”. The one I use every morning says, “Grateful”. I am in constant flux with myself, always trying to change my thoughts – adjust my attitude. I’m not sure if it’s working. And I’m not sure if even trying like these little notes to myself every morning that my alarm goes off is worth it. The unfortunate thing is, I don’t feel like changing my alarm to, “The Same”. Because I want to be grateful for today. I want to live my life like I am lucky to have today. But wanting and doing are always different things.

In the Boeing employee basketball league, we went in to our first playoff game as huge underdogs, having lost twice during the season to the team we were to face in the first round. Expecting to lose, I was surprised to see us winning with less than 2 minutes left to go. The whole thing felt very surreal. Even after we went down by a point with a minute and 30 left I knew it was over…but we hit shots like we were supposed to. We played with heart that wasn’t there during the season…and we pulled out the victory. Both sides were shocked. It was the best I’ve felt in a long time. Tonight is our next playoff game. This time an even larger underdog than before. This time I am truly expecting to lose. And just like last time, hopefully I won’t be able to sleep tonight from how well we played.

It is hard to run in the pouring down rain. Having very short hair and shoes that are not waterproof doesn’t make for a very good experience. Rain is always getting in my eyes, and my socks are soaked by the time I get home. I set a goal of losing some weight and getting more cut this year as my new year’s resolution. I’ve got 20 days left to do it. It’s not going to happen, but I’ll make a semi-effort which will obviously not be good enough, but at least I tried.

As a gift to us from Safeco, everyone where I work has had the ability to wear jeans since Thanksgiving until the end of the year. Because of this, I’ve had some problems as far as clothing goes. I have more business casual wear than I do jeans wear. The reason being is because the jeans wear is the “in between” section that I’ve no longer been attending to. All I have now is business casual and sweats. Neither of which would be fitting during the “jeans” month. My life is obviously a lot harder than anyone else’s. *sarcastic*

The condo (except for 2 things) is done. It’s taken us 10 days longer than we wanted, but after yesterday, we don’t have to go down there anymore. Or at least we don’t have to go down there every afternoon after work now. It was fun for about 2 weeks. Then after that it got tiring. I’ll share some photos on here once I get the time (or get home).

Since we don’t have to go to the condo anymore. I’m excited to get back to the gym. Even twice a week will be nice. I’m involved in a bet right now where I have to lose a greater percentage of my weight. I figure that working out hard 30 minutes every day and making a concerted effort to eat less and healthier instead of working out every other day for 40 minutes where I don’t try that hard, and eating as much as I want to…*breathe – run on sentence*

During a discussion this weekend with a coworker I heard that after a 2 year radiology program, most come out averaging over $60K a year. In this instance, the person coming out of school was earning $90K a year. I am obviously in the wrong profession. But then I wouldn’t get to write awesome blog posts like this while working (/inflated sense of self-worth).

The only thing about Christmas that I’m excited about is arisaldo (sp). It’s a chicken-rice soup that my mom cooks after we go to church on Christmas Eve. It’s a tradition. That and baking rolls in those Pillsbury cans. Other than that, I didn’t help out with the tree. I haven’t purchased any gifts yet. I change the channel when a Christmas song that I don’t like (about 80% of them) comes on. I guess you can say it all started when 106.9 started playing Christmas music even before Thanksgiving. Since that point, this “season” hasn’t been the same. I hope I can get in the Christmas mood in the next week or so. Otherwise, it’ll pass me by and I’ll be miserable until summer…

Sad to say, there really isn’t anything else floating around in my head right now. Usually there is. But for now, I suppose I’ll save those for later.

War of Terror

This is my favorite song right now. It is a song by John Mayer entitled “Belief”.

I’ll just include the lyrics since they speak for themselves.

Is there anyone who

Ever remembers

changing their mind from

The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who

really recalls

Ever breaking rank at all

For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor

But makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water

You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

We're never gonna win the world

We're never gonna stop the war

We're never gonna beat this

If belief is what we're fighting for

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand

Belief can Belief can

What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand

Belief can Belief can

Just reading the words alone, it is pretty blatant what John is getting at. However, this song changed my thoughts on the war, amazingly enough. I’ve been completely against the war in Iraq since the beginning. I pointed out to Michelle how it was completely pointless to go after Hussein when Osama was the one who orchestrated 9/11. (Or so I believe). The whole time I was saying, “We’re going after the wrong guy!” And Michelle can definitely remember the argument we had about it.

But our nation’s leaders said, “WMDs! WMDs!” And once again the American public was duped. But I don’t even know how many people were actually duped. How many of them were like me and just shrugged it off and said, “Bush is finding a way to justify this vendetta”. Funny how we didn’t have a “war” with Clinton in office (against Iraq), and yet Bush finds a way to push another one on us...

Which brings me back to this song. Everyone has their own thoughts on it. There are some of us who try to change other’s thoughts on it but it’s not going to work. We think like we do for a reason. And what makes sense to us necessarily isn’t going to make sense to another person. And yet trying to force the “other side” to think likewise is what is causing this horrible struggle…or the apathetic nature of some of us (me included). The thought is: Why try? What’s the point? Why discuss/debate with anyone else when nothing will change? There’s so much (obviously) that I’d like to say about the situation over there…but it’s pointless. What I say is not worth anything.

Do you ever remember when someone surrendered with their life on the line? This is a line in the song that is sung in the background. It wasn’t included in the lyrics attached to this post but it is the truest line in the song. Imagine if a foreign army invaded our country and tried to take our President to trial? We wouldn’t give up an inch. Every single one of us would fight back for what was ours. Why do we think that mentality changes when we apply it to other countries? So many dead for nothing…

We're never gonna win the world

We're never gonna stop the war

Inflated Sense of Self

Something I’ve been struggling with lately. Self worth. I like to think that I am worth something. Anything. I also enjoy thoughts of “deserving” things. My logic on it is that actions A, B, C correlate to rewards of D, E, and F. And by already taking those actions (for example doing well in school to get in to a good college and take a specific major that was in demand) would get a quality job which would in turn pay for the rest of my life. And so, over the past week or so, I sat here, waiting to apply for a higher up position, that I definitely felt “qualified” for and in a sense also “deserved”.

Heck, the pay was better, the hours were better, the commute was the same (which is perfect), and the job itself was more challenging. To describe it best, I am the tree currently. If I got this job, I’d be working with the forest. But after a stern “no” from a phone interview with an HR person who didn’t even know what the job was, my life/emotions caved in on itself. So much optimism. So much excitement. Such a feeling of, “Great, I deserve this…I’m moving up…I’ll be making more…every step I take up this ‘ladder’ is going to bring me that much closer to my ultimate goal of retiring early”.

But now I sit, 2 days after the phone interview, scratching my head and knowing exactly what went wrong. I didn’t have the previous experience in the position. That’s what they were looking for. Someone with previous experience. I can’t blame myself for this. In that department, this was a “2nd tier” position out of 3 tiers. What I was told is that someone like me who was outside of the department should maybe consider starting in the 1st tier instead of jumping straight in. What I was told was obviously right. But at the time, and still till today, it stings. But the only reason it does sting, is because I was so hyped up on taking this position. Everyone in the department told me I’d be a good fit. Heck, even my manager did.

Maybe this is the backlash from not getting something I desire? The only way my brain can handle itself is by punishing itself after things like this. I am definitely the type to beat up on myself after failure. With the declination through the interview process, I kept thinking to myself, “Why did I feel like I deserved that position? I did almost nothing to earn it, and yet I felt like it was supposed to be mine?” This is the inflated sense of self that I am referring to the aptly named title of this post. And I was thinking more of this last night.

What we project out to the rest of the world around us is the person that we want everyone to think we are. Yet, how many of us are faking it? And I know this has been over so many times with other writers…through songs…through movies…but what we do and what we own should not define us. But on Monday, I was falling in to that trap. “Wow, if I get this job I’m a step down from becoming a DBA…that’s what I’ve wanted to do since I learned about it in college…2 years out of college and I’m already on my way to doing what I really want to do”. And I’d define myself like that.

“Hi my name’s Seth”
“Nice to meet you Seth, name’s Charlie”
“Same to you Charlie”
“So Seth, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m actually a DBA for a large Insurance Company”

And that would be it. And the rest would speak for itself by the clothes I wore. The car I drove to the house that I lived in with the large TV that I watched. I would never have to say anything because I can just let those things define the person I am. The tastes I have. And here is where my conflict has come up. I don’t want to let any of this define me. I want to decide what defines me. I don’t want to lose the person I am to these things…to my job. And I don’t want to act the same way towards other people. Here is an example of my coworker, my assistant manager, and I jokingly (but halfheartedly serious) doing this yesterday, and it just irks me a bit now that I look back at it.

Coworker: You know that shoe store next to the Best Buy in Lynnwood?
Me: Yeah, ummm…Famous Footwear?
CW: Yeah, that’s the one.
Me: What about it?
CW: Oh, I was just planning on heading there to buy some boots and maybe some heels tonight.
Me: Sounds like a good plan.
Assistant Manager: You’re going to go to Famous Footwear to buy shoes? *incredulous*
Me: *laughs*
CW: Yeah, what about it?
AM: Well, usually they sell cheap, name brand shoes there for about $50 or less.
Me: Yeah, why don’t you spend like $120-$150 on shoes like AM and I do?
CW: Well, I just wanted some cheap boots to wear in this horrible rain.
AM: I’d recommend spending $175 on a high quality pair that will do really well in the rain.
CW: Usually I buy my shoes at target and within a year they’re falling apart.
Me: Of course, that’s the difference between a 3 year old in China making them, and a 5 year old in Thailand. That’s what 2 more years of shoe making experience will do for you.
AM: *laughs* If you come in tomorrow with your famous footwear boots, I will laugh at your lowly peasant shoes.
CW: *laughs* I can’t wait to come in tomorrow after I get my lowly peasant boots.

See? This is the kind of crap that I am talking about. Although we were joking about it here, deep down there is an ingrained mentality that the clothes you wear represent the type of person you are. Sometimes I wonder why I feel like “dressing up” when I go out. Then I think of all the years of my parents telling me not to look like a bum and realize it’s more of a habit…that judgmental side in all of us that’s been passed down…

Ummm, yeah, I had a lot of points I wanted to make…but since it’s so early in the morning, I’m not sure if I touched on any of them. To say the least at this point, I am a bit conflicted with some of my thoughts. Hopefully some of this made sense…

Halloween 06

Halloween is here.

Here is a picture of my awesome pumpkin. I make pumpkins that 5 year olds can make.

Because my artistic skills got left behind at about kindergarten...



And we are now the proud owners of a rental property.

Wow. We've got a lot of work ahead of us.



Everything needs replacing except for the walls. Well even some walls need replacing so scratch that. Basically everything but the kitchen sink has been there since I believe before I was born. Ironic isn't it? It's going to be a very interesting November.

And unfortunately, just like September and basically all of October, expect less posts...due to a busy time in my life. Investment property...wow...somehow I feel like I'm doing a very good thing with my money...and while giving my sister a place to live! Her very own condo...

Did I talk about the death of Online poker? Maybe you've read about it. Anyway, Party Poker died for me on the 13th of October. My favorite President of ALL TIME signed a bill that basically cut one of my "leisure time" activities out. Now I have to play at a casino with people I don't like. Seeing 100 less hands per hour. Playing in tournaments with 3 to 5 thousand less people for the same buy in. Having to pay ATM withdrawal fees.

And since I'm the addictive personality when it comes to gambling...I found an old passion of mine...something I dabbled in back in my, "I'm good at blackjack and craps" days. Sports betting. No more poker online? Ok...then sports betting. Christ. Just this past weekend, I had close to $100 spread out over 12 different NFL games, 14 different college games, and even the freaking World Series...and now the NBA starts tomorrow night? Oh my achin' back...thank God I've got other hobbies...otherwise I'd be stuck in front of this monitor betting that Dwayne wade would score more than 7 points in the 3rd quarter on the road against the Nets since Richardson had switched off of him...tuned so intently in to TNT...or ESPN...or whoever the fuck is showing it live...

And that's another thing. Poker used to take a lot of time from me. When I was doing well with it (not as a profession) I was playing 2-4 hours a night. Now I've replaced that with screaming at the TV for letting me miss a Fifteen Grand parlay off of five bucks when New Orleans gets destroyed and Philly can't score a freaking touchdown to save their lives. For that Donovan, you don't get to go to the playoffs.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've stayed up long enough for that brownie to not give me nightmares. Hopefully I can get some picture updates (or at least words since obviously I'm now picture happy) on the condo while we work on it. Total time spent working so far: 3 hours. (not including travel time of course)

It's been a long time

“We shouldn’t’ve left you, left you without a dope beat to step to”.

Not really.

For some it might have been an eternity. For others, maybe I just skipped a month? Writing in here suddenly became so hard to me. I wanted to write about things that were awesome, exciting…interesting. But I had nothing really to say. And every time I wanted to rant about something, or express my joy towards something…I just never found the time to put it in writing.

So here it is. Here is some of it. Here is the best I can do with my keyboard and my mind trying to translate what I am saying in to words.

Joy is having the best wedding of the summer. Joy is surpassing some of the best weddings you’ve ever been to but being better in the ways you wanted it to be. Joy is taking weeks off of work to travel the coast. See things I’ve heard about or seen a million times on TV but never taken the chance to see them in person. It is like the Golden Gate bridge. I have seen it so many times on TV…in movies…but until I came around that corner and saw it…until I drove over it…that was an experience I won’t forget. Joy is very hard for me to express. And I had this same frustration with music. As I’m sure most other artists have had. The medium that restrains me may have prevented me from sharing anything…everything…because words were too little. To write it out would be great to read years from now on, but even still it can’t really capture the whole of it.

I ran in to the same thing back when I was composing music for the piano. Yes, I wrote music up until about my sophomore year of high school. I became delusional with it after I wanted to make something that broke through, only to realize that every note ever played has already been played. More than likely, every chord progression has been progressed through. What is original is not and is actually just a transposition of previous compositions. People compare. They make similes. They’ve seen or heard things before. They label. How does one say a professional basketball player is like two previous basketball players mixed in one? How do people apply this notion to music? And to writing?

It must be truly frustrating for artists who try to be completely original. This is my work. This was created with my own hands. And although I do have my influences, those created who I am. Yes, these words have been used before. And of course I have read and heard them at every turn. But it is the medium in which I must communicate and therefore it is the best I can do. It’s almost a feeling of being imprisoned by knowledge…

Really though. What am I saying. I’m just getting lost in my own late night drabble.

To get on to things less serious…Online poker as we know it will now be gone in the next few weeks, months…gone. On October 13th, 2006 a bill was signed that made it illegal for any US resident to place an online wager…at least in the state of Washington. And lucky me, I live in Washington. Since before the wedding I hadn’t really been playing much as I had played a TON on the bachelor party and really if I can get a good weekend session once a month I’ll be held over just fine. But now, almost 2 months later, I sat here and looked at a blank Google screen wondering what the fuck I was going to do with myself. I traded shifts with a coworker for one day. Which means that I get to wake up 3 hours later than normal.

Lucky me. That also means if I would like I can stay up 3 hours later than normal. So that’s what I’m doing. Normally, I would’ve been asleep at the latest 30 minutes ago. I definitely feel tired enough to do so…but how many chances will I get like this of staying up and being able to wake up late? Regardless tomorrow will suck. And the day after that will be about the same. Along with every day there after. Sometimes I really wonder how people carry on. Even the most stressful jobs have their monotony…their “grind”. And I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this. I mean, I do, but I don’t really want to fight it. It just seems like a lot of the corporate culture I’ve experienced is that you’re there for the paycheck. You’re not there to change the world. Use the money you make to make yourself “happy” outside of work because obviously for the 8 hours your there, you’re just shuffling…pushing paper.

To completely change the subject…because I’ve been doing that tonight obv…I wanted to share pictures. Pictures that meant the most from my honeymoon. And I won’t include captions. You can just look at them and think what you will of them. Make up your own caption for them…whatever…but shit I’ve got to resize them for that to work. And I want them to be below this post…so that means I’ll have to post them first. *sigh*

Anyway, that is my first post back from a somewhat confused and frustrated with blogs hiatus. I mean, in my journals I used to keep with pen and paper sometimes I would just doodle and write randomly throughout the page to keep my mind working…on this computer screen I’m really enclosed to just this line…and that’ll end it. Hopefully I’ll be back.

Honeymoon Pics 3

Honeymoon Pics 2

Honeymoon Pics 1

Honeymoon Pictures

FUCK

You know what I hate the most about myself sometimes? Is the fact that I hold myself (and others) to some pretty high standards regarding a few things.

Well, it is about time I made this post. I don’t think I’ve ever used the subject line of “FUCK” before. So here you go. In all it’s glory.

Today, while bored at work, I was looking over my previous bills, knowing that my Comcast bill was due soon. Looking over my previous payments I realized that “FUCK!” I missed out on a couple bills. So here I am, sitting now. Realizing that it is MY responsibility and no one else’s that these bills get paid on time.

I’ve worked out a pretty successful bill paying method. And because I’m OCD and bored out of my mind, I’ll write it out for you. Obviously if things don’t go this way, things get FUCKED.

1) Get bill in mail

2) Open bill

3) Be happy and/or sad and/or surprised regarding bill

4) Bring bill upstairs

5) Pay bill using http://www.becu.org/ online bill payer (actually very nifty/helpful)

6) Write the word “PAID” in big BOLD graffiti marker pen writing. I do this because it feels good and I also know for sure that the bill is paid and I no longer have to worry about it.

7) Let the bill sit on the desk until it gets too cluttered and either Michelle puts it in our “important papers” folder, or is thrown away.

So guess what. Tonight I became a person I despise. And hating yourself is the worst feeling in the world. I don’t think I will be able to sleep tonight. Mainly it is for this reason: We got no interest financing on for both our TV and our other appliances. Sweet deal. Same as cash. Pay off the entire balance by X date and don’t pay a cent extra. Just like using your own money, but making monthly installments (how I look at it).

Anyway, I looked through a pile of mail that’s been sitting on the computer desk for at least 3 weeks now. What DO YOU KNOW!!! There’s 2 different bills there. And golly gee, they’re saying I’m past due! And they’re also saying I now owe late fees! Woohoo! I’m their favorite customer now! Before it was ME screwing them out of money…well, for you econ majors out there, TIME VALUE of money. They got it all back in fell swoop of the LATE fee. Or what I like to think of it as: The punishment for being an idiot.

Wow. Awesome. I’m a complete d-bag.

Let’s break it down as to how this issue occurred:

All steps from above, 1) through 4) were followed in all of their glory.

5) Somehow 5) became PUT BILL in important papers bin.

6) Is now sit in important papers bin until past due

7) Receive a late notice in mail that is never read as it is stacked in bunch of other mail

8) Sift through unread mail

9) Sinking feeling

10) Go to look in important papers bin

11) Realize that I did receive the bills, and somehow did not pay them, also realize that it is my RESPONSIBILITY TO PAY THEM

12) Get fucking pissed that it is my responsibility

13) Go to http://www.becu.org/ and pay double what is owed on the bills in an angry rage

14) Write FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK all over the bills, 2 out of 5 which are late and which also caused me a late fee, while the companies sit there and laugh because they made an extra $70 off of my stupidity.

15) Take a picture to remember the moment so it never happens AGAIN, and also for your viewing entertainment.

See how many more steps that is? It’s much easier if I adhere to my own standards and just pay fucking bills on time and look like a smart and good customer with it’s head on it’s shoulder, not the guy, who tomorrow will call both credit companies and ask for a one time refund based off the fact I have not had a late payment the past 7 months (wow what great history) but whatever, I’m going to beg. And yes, $70 is just enough money to get me to beg for a refund. Fuck $20 would’ve been.

Wow. It’s going to be tough to sleep tonight. It’s also going to be hard to not blame Michelle. My life sucks right now. Did you want a Vegas trip post? Too bad. We drank a lot and I spent a ridiculous amount of money. Anything else you need to know? Ok. One more post for this month. That’s all you get. It’ll probably be the cold feet post next time. Oh and if you couldn’t tell or I forgot to write, that’s a picture of 5 of the monthly bills I have…it says “FUCK” all over them.

Seriously. Fuck.

So "Frickin" Picky

The shoes I own I’ve now had for more than a year and a half. In fact, in 3 months I will have owned them for 2 years. They smell horribly, look like they’ve been run through mud a few times (which they have) the soles have little traction left and they just give my entire look (when I wear them) an overall “shabby/I don’t care what I look like” look. Which, I really don’t. But still. I need new tennis and/or running shoes. Sometimes I just want to be that guy that has clean white shoes. Because clean white shoes stand out. It’s like that brand new car. You can always tell when someone’s driving that brand new car because it’s got the temporary license number in the upper left hand corner of the back window, it is spotless, and the license plate advertises the place they purchased it from.

Plus it’s got that new car smell. And I wonder how many people buy those cars just for that new car smell. I have heard it is toxic. The pleasure derived from that smell though is worth it. New shoes have a smell to them too. At least Nike’s do.

Here is the problem, as I see it: 1) I need shoes that will last me a long time. The current pair I am wearing has done a fabulous job of staying together, and compared to other pairs of running shoes I owned, really doesn’t smell that bad after a year and a half. 2) I need shoes that not everyone else has. I hate it when I see another guy with my same shoes. In this regard, you can call me a woman. 3) I am picky overall when it comes to what I wear. Most things just don’t “fit me right” or are the “wrong color”. Other than shoes, I have a minimum wait time for clothes to be included in my “daily rotation”. I guess this is why shoes are so important to me. Is because the day I get them (in the mail since I order from Eastbay because no one but Nordstrom’s carries my size 14s, and their selection sucks when it comes to my size) is the day I put them on.

I always say to myself when I find a pair of shoes I really love, “I should have bought two pairs”. Why? Here I am now, stuck with old stinky, dingy shoes, wishing I had a new pair of the same shoes. But because of my pickiness, I haven’t seen a shoe that absolutely grabbed my attention like every pair or every piece of clothing I own (other than needed stuff like jeans/khakis/socks). So now, I am waiting. Waiting for someone to put out a shoe (preferably with some white in it for that clean look) that looks good to me.

I just ordered a pair of white pumas, but of course they were backordered, only to be cancelled on me. Lovely. Every single one of my groomsmen gets a pair and I don’t get one.

And sometimes, this kind of stuff just sickens me. Because 80% of the rest of the world would just be happy owning more clothes. Or new clothes for that matter. But because I work, because I earn money, that gives me the opportunity of choice. Suddenly if I’ve got the ability to spend $200 online on a new pair of shoes, the entire world opens up to me. So many brands, so many styles…too many choices. Really, I don’t need new shoes. I just want them. For some reason there’s still that little kid in me, that believes that when I put on new shoes I can run faster and jump higher. I literally used to get home from the mall in my brand new Reebok pumps and run around the cul-de-sac feeling like suddenly I was 10-25% faster. I also used to, actually, scratch that, even to this day when I get home from being outside in my new shoes, I’ll grab a paper towel and wipe the shoes down. This will go on until about the 2-3 month mark.

I think one of the things I took from high school from one of my favorite teachers, Mr. Aetzel was that if you pay for quality, and maintain the product well, you’ll end up spending less than if you buy a crappy product but maintain it just the same. Quality will show over time.

Something I had completely forgotten about was my wedding band. I don’t know why this never crossed my mind. Michelle definitely mentioned to me that we had to go shopping for mine. And I found the one I want. I really wanted a graphite colored one. Nothing very bright at all. Of course the one I want is $1500. And it is “the one”. Unfortunately Michelle and I are too cheap to get it. So, she brought home alternate ones for me to try on. They look similar, but they just are not “the one”. I don’t know if anyone feels this way about things too. But I have to absolutely love something to buy it. It has to be perfect. This way, I rarely deal with buyer’s remorse. I guess part of what I don’t understand is how we can spend more than $10K on her ring and less than 20% of that price on mine.

Maybe this is so typical of how men and women are in the US. I think women have felt the need to be showered with material gifts to feel loved whereas men, not really. Sometimes I wonder if men even really need to feel loved at all. Honestly, I would opt out of the wedding ring if I wasn’t told I had to wear one. My dad doesn’t wear one. I’m just not a big fan of accessories at all. Never wore a watch. Never will get my ears pierced, or anything else for that matter. And a ring on my finger? Eh, ok. If I’m going to wear something for the rest of my life, at least get me something that I wouldn’t mind seeing on there.

6 days until we leave for the bachelor party. 23 days until the wedding. Should I be scared that I’m not scared? Hmmm…

PSA RE: Traffic

This is a Public Service Announcement to all bad drivers in Washington state (note: I understand that a lot of drivers here are transplants from: California. Arizona. New York. Texas. India. China. Japan. And a multitude of other areas/places. This is what makes this area so great/diverse but at the same time, overcrowded.) as if any of a majority of this area would read this post anyway. But maybe if people find it interesting and/or agree with it they could pass it along to their fellow Seattleites.

When driving on the freeway in normal traffic I have seen a rash of drivers wanting to cause slow downs and back ups. Do you like traffic? Do you like getting bad mileage on your car and not treating your engine well? Do you like sitting in the heat and smelling all the fumes of cars around you? If you do, then by all means please continue to do the following things. If not, please try reading through my check list and see if you do any of these things. Remember, if you start to feel defensive while reading, you could be guilty too. I’m hoping that all of us sharing a little common sense while driving will ease traffic issues…but probably not.

1) The left lane is the FAST lane. If you see someone passing you on the right, giving you the stare of death, or the finger, this means that you are going TOO SLOW for them. Yes. Some people are crazy and go 130 mph down the freeway. If you see them barreling towards you, and you are going 50 mph in the left lane, 10 mph slower than the speed limit, GET OUT OF THE WAY. Do not cause an accident by blocking them. Do not cause a back up by break checking them, thus causing them to lose control of their vehicle and create a 14 car pileup. We all have times when we are in a hurry. In fact, there are those out there, like myself that don’t like to waste time driving at all. Especially on the weekdays. So when you see me driving 85-90 in the left lane and flashing my brights at you it doesn’t mean I hate you. It doesn’t mean anything personal. This is my way of telling you that you are moving too slow and like the point says, the left lane is the fast lane. If you see a line of cars start to stack up behind you and you can’t figure out why? If you think that by going slower you’re keeping everyone else safe, this is incorrect. Those who are in a hurry will begin to tailgate…which brings me to...

2) Tailgating. Riding someone’s ass isn’t going to make them go any faster. Especially old people, and those who are completely oblivious to what’s going on around them/complete idiots trying to prove a point. By leaving less space between you and the car in front of you, you create issues for not only yourself but those in front, to the sides and behind you. Especially when tailing SUVs, trucks, or other cars where you can't in front them. Ever seen a blow out happen on the freeway before? I have. And luckily the person driving the van handled it masterfully. On top of that, they were driving in the middle lane and no one was tailing them. If a situation like this occurs, do you think you’ve left enough space in front of you to not rear end this person? From what I’ve seen in heavy traffic situations, probably not. Leave enough distance for you to stop if anything were to go wrong. And instead of tailing, why not figure out a way to pass them? There are alternatives to getting pissed off yourself, and possibly angering another driver.

3) Merging. This is the bane of my driving experience. This is what creates 70% of traffic. It is that bad. And lucky me, I now get off in time at 3 pm to see a few bad apples ruin it for the rest of us. A few things: When merging, get up to freeway speed and either get in front of someone, or get behind someone in the flow of traffic. It sounds simple enough, but the amount of times I see people fail at it time and time again…it is just ridiculous. I think the reason that people are so bad at it is because they lack guts. Balls. Aggression. It’s like that person that stops at yield signs no matter what. If your car can fit between two cars, take it. Hopefully the people you are merging in to aren’t assholes and let you in. Which is the secondary point to this. If you are driving on the freeway and see a large number of cars trying to merge in to the far right lane, and suddenly the right lane opens wide, there is a reason for this. The rest of us logical people are MOVING out of the way for the oncoming merging traffic. I don’t think there is anything worse while driving than seeing the asshole who grabs the opening in the right lane, speeds through it, only to cut off people who are merging…good job buddy, you saved yourself about a minute travel time. But back to those who have trouble merging. NEVER STOP. If you are merging in to moving traffic, you should never touch your brakes. Merging is an art form of keeping a safe distance with the people in front of you who are merging and the people next to you who are whizzing by on the freeway. If you don’t know how to do it properly, or are deathly afraid of merging, I’d recommend staying off of the freeways for everyone else’s sake.

4) One more quick note regarding freeway driving. If you weren’t aware, you have other options than the gas or the brake. I have noticed a lot of you other drivers out there only choosing one of these options: Gas or brake. Now, I’m not sure, do you think your car dies if you’re not using the gas? Have you ever heard of coasting before? You can let off the gas if you want to slow down a little bit. Just to give everyone the heads up…even touching your break causes a chain reaction. People see red lights and immediately they think they also have to slow down. When in fact, that person that is no longer touching their gas and has instead switch to “brake mode” is doing just that, not gassing, so braking. When in fact, they’ve got 10 car lengths in front of them, and even enough space to coast to a stop if need be. In fact, we should all be leaving enough room between us and the cars in front of us that if they do apply pressure to their brakes, we can coast for a little bit before deciding to brake ourselves. This will definitely help the flow of traffic.

5) The “free right”. I know. It’s counterintuitive. It’s scary. I know. But you’ve got to do it. It’s not against the law. It’s a red light you say? I know. So stop first. Look to your left. Is anyone coming? No? Then go. Other than someone almost hitting me, being stopped for no reason (whether you thought a green light meant “stop” or fell asleep at the light or don’t have the guts for the “free right”) these are the only times that I will honk. And people in Seattle seem to take the “honk” so personally! It’s not that I hate you and think that your family should die…All I’m trying to say is: LOOK! You can go! I’m waiting! Now go! That’s it. Nothing more.

And with that, I’ll get off my soapbox. That’s all the preaching I wanted to do. (For now). NINE DAYS UNTIL THE BACHELOR PARTY IN VEGAS! *So excited*