Sobering, late night thoughts

Sobering? WTF is that one might ask. Well, I haven’t had a drink for more than a week now. Even this great weekend we’re having right now, still not one drink. Not a beer, not a redbull vodka, not soco and lime, not, nope, not anything. Just regular food, not even fast food. But, no working out this weekend, because the weather has been absolute crap, and I have no access whatsoever to any workout equipment. As many of my other posts have been, I think this is going to be another complaint post. Or maybe a self-overanalyzing post. Yes, maybe so. We will see how it goes. I wish this was more private, but then again only a few people know about it, and others that read it don’t really know me, so I don’t give a shit.

Here goes:

I am tired. I am not tired. I am restless. I am bored mainly. I am very, extremely bored. I am afraid to do things I might think are fun because once they’re done its back to the boredom again. I am AGAINST wasting any time whatsoever. Sure, work is a waste of time for the most part, but at least I’m getting paid a ridiculous amount for the work I do. I am struggling at work because I don’t care. Would I care in another job? Probably not. Am I teaching someone else something very valuable to their lives? No. Am I doing something that’s very valuable period? Probably not. People wouldn’t DIE if it wasn’t for me doing my job. Maybe I should become an EMT? Those guys are my freaking heroes. But even still they have their downtimes, and I’m sure the every weekend bar fight or drunken falling causing broken jaws gets old after a while. And that’s the thing. Everything to me gets old. And this is where this boredom stems from.

My car is the same. My house is the same. My girlfriend is the same. This language is the same. My knowledge has changed a miniscule amount between today and yesterday, thus basically the same. Gambling, sex, drugs, music, it’s all the same. Sure I could get really tossed and go fuck around with all my money, but what would I end up with? A headache, cottonmouth and an empty bank account. Great. I’m behind where I started, yet have nothing to show for it. As if having SOMETHING to show for it would be any better! See what I’m getting at? Even with everything, it is still nothing. Driving home tonight at 12:45 am, I didn’t feel like me. Sometimes I mind-fuck myself and think about what I look like on the outside of me. Or what the shell of my being looks like, or how my soul is. I wonder if I’ve got any soul left in me. I feel broken. Tonight I told Michelle to go do her own thing because I was planning on going up to Bellingham for basically Pol’s last night up there, and maybe to party with Anthony and Japanese people. But not really party though, be the guy that sits around watching TV and yawning while everyone around him is getting trashed. When I found out Neil had left already, it was alright. I didn’t know if I wanted to go anyway.

I’ve heard that alcohol can add to the depression, and also be very bad for my eczema. So I’ve dropped that until December 31^st. Because, what better way to bring in the new year than on the verge of puking! *sarcastic* Last year, new year’s eve SUCKED. Michelle and I baked cookies at her house with no one there, and watched the freaking fireworks while I tried to get myself drunk enough that I could sleep and that I wouldn’t be so angry about how little of fun I had that night. We once had a family party with like 10 people there, and I think it was just my sister and I were the only people under 20 at that party, with a few of my aunts and uncles already passed out on the couch when the silent countdown went by. And I looked around at faces that were trying to fake it, telling me “Happy New Year” and giving kisses on the cheek, but I didn’t believe it. So I left for what was my typical high school through college new years 2^nd party, and even that one sucked.

By the time I got there, people were cleaning up (at 12:45 am), a few people were puking off the back porch, and the rest were past out well before the ball dropped. Amazing. Anyway, this is just a glimpse of how I feel right now. That probably describes it the best. My two worst, and un-favorite new year’s eves. As if I had some sort of list or something. There are only a few I can remember.

What about the rest of everyone? Are you guys genuinely happy? How do you keep your routine fresh and new? Are you constantly finding new things to keep your interest? Do you set small goals for yourself and achieve them? I feel like I should know myself well enough to get out of this funk. I should just be able to say to myself, “Stop it, feel better”. Right? I don’t want to be an idiot and read self-help books, because them shits is just like alcohol. The more you read in to it, the better you feel while you’re doing it, but once you finish, you’re really just back to where you started, but with less money again.

I need to get a hair cut. I want to get a hair cut. I want this bald spot on my head to go away. It’s embarrassing. I want to see another Jamie Cullum concert. I watched “Garden State” for the first time last night. I enjoyed it. I think I will buy the soundtrack.

You ever wonder what other people are doing right now? Or imagine yourself in their shoes at this instant, guzzling a beer and putting an arm around a buddy and possibly burping and scratching your belly? Out of the blue last night I said, “I wonder what Joey Lawrence is doing right this instant”. And for effect, I added his comical “Whoa”. I got a slight laugh out of Michelle.

This is how bored I am. I wonder what B- TV show stars from the early 90’s are doing on a Friday night at 10 pm. Because, it’s probably more interesting than what I was doing at that point, an even sleeping I think, if said person was doing so, could possibly even be better than my wondering, since dreams offer means of escape.

I was reading over really old emails, and I am a much better writer 2 years ago. I wish I could pinpoint where it all went wrong. I think I better stop writing before I get too hungry and can’t sleep.

‘Night.