Vegas

It's been much too long.

The 3 year ban has been lifted.

The last time I was in Vegas was August of 2006 for my bachelor party.

And after the physical, mental and financial abuse I took I swore it off.

Here we are, May 2009 and I've made it. Sure, I had the opportunity to go. Plane tickets were always cheap.

But I wanted there to be a reason to really go back.

And now I have it.

Starting Saturday, May 30th at noon will be Event #4 of the World Series of Poker. It's my first time playing the World Series of Poker and I am so excited.

I'll be going with my dad too, who amazingly is a pretty good poker player. I have visions of us meeting at the final table on Tuesday and having a ridiculous time.

I plan on getting 4th in the tournament which should pay at least $150K. Don't ask me why I'm shooting for 4th, for some reason it just has a nice sound to it. Almost as if winning the thing is too hard. Like 4th out of 6,000 people isn't hard enough.

But at the least, it will be a great way to spend some of my vacation and hopefully my dad or I can beat the masses (preferably both).

Hopefully you'll be seeing us on ESPN in a few months.

May all our straights be flushes.

I hate effing losing

Can't stand it.

Absolutely terrible feeling.

And the worst part about it is that almost everyone has to lose.

When it comes to sporting events that have a playoff structure, at the end of it all there can only be 1 winner.

That means everyone else that has played has lost. That's not very good odds for everyone else playing.

And even knowing that, I still haven't come to grips with it.

Sure, I've gotten better over the past few years. I don't fly in to drunken rages and take it out on the nearest bystander. No, now it's just a matter of taking a few hours to myself - thinking about the things I did wrong, the things I did right, and promising myself to do better next time.

But that's still a problem. A few hours.

The thing about playing in rec leagues is they usually only play once a week. Which means that when you lose you have to wait an entire week - sometimes more with the holiday weekend coming up - to redeem yourself.

One of the basketball teams I'm on has been on a bit of a losing streak. Sure, we've played some of the strongest teams in the league, but at the same time we've lost a few of the games on shots that were either made or missed in the last 5 seconds or less.

Just absolutely heart breaking.

And I can't help but blame myself. I can always point to plays I made when we lose by 3 or less and say, "This game was on me. I let my team down. I let myself down." And that kind of mentality is so hard to break from.

I've woken up the next morning after games and still been in a funk. That's how bad it is for me. And people have told me, "It's just a game." Yes. It is just a game. But it's a game I look forward to all week - and the day of the game it's all I can think about. And a few hours before? Nervous energy sets in. Nothing is right until I'm out there sprinting...sweating.

Also, I've always said, "Losers lose and winners win." Why is that? As soon as you start losing you start to point fingers. You question things that worked before while you were winning. You retool, you rebuild, you try your best to change. Whether or not it works is always questionable - but as soon as that seed of doubt is planted your head starts to hang a little bit lower and the ball just doesn't seem to bounce your way. This is why in every type of sporting event we see amazing runs of streaks. When a team continues to lose they keep digging themselves further in to that hole.

And maybe being so hurt by losing makes winning that much sweeter? I think that's definitely possible.

Another bright side to losing is the strong motivation for me to get better. When I lift, when I run, when I practice I think about "the other guys". How we lost because the other guys beat me to the ball, because they out hustled and out worked me. How I wasn't ready for them.

No, I'm not going to let any more people embarrass me.

I've found that there's nothing better than self talk when it comes to helping me work out. Just that image in my head of the losing score up on the board is enough to drive me to exhaustion.

I understand that losing is part of playing.

Doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

So the losing stops now. Time to turn it around.

I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watching Me

I don't want to sleep.

I'm tired. But I don't want to go. I am so tired that it seems more tiring to me to have to stand up - actually back up - log out of my google profile, close my laptop, put the laptop on the table, stand up, get my phone, turn off the lamp, walk upstairs, brush my teeth, and then get in bed - all of that seems harder than actually writing this post.

I like staying up late on Thursday nights. I'm energetic on Fridays because I know I don't have to save any energy for the weekend. Not really though because weekends are pretty tiring too. But at least I'm not sitting in a freaking computer chair all day on Saturday and Sunday. I can be sitting on the couch instead. And rarely do I have to focus. So the anticipation, the excitement, whatever it is. It seems to balance out with how late I stay up on Thursday nights.

And sometimes I think that being really tired throughout the day - not tired enough to just fall asleep - but enough to struggle actually makes the day go by faster. You yawn a lot, you're so tired that you just don't think about much and don't put much effort in to anything. It's nice. I've had that theory since college. Never confirmed it with anyone else though as to whether or not it works.

I have really tried to cut down the time on my showers. It's not working. I know what my problem is. I like to shower too much. Sometimes I'll just sit around trying to get cold before I take a shower. Because I like to take a hot shower. Even in summer. But that's the worst. Maybe not the worst, but it's pretty terrible. Taking a shower to clean off all the sweat that's been baked on you from the day's heat only to get out of the shower sweating because for some reason you took a really hot shower even though it's still 87 degrees inside your house. Cause God knows the cold showers don't really work either - you're cold and miserable while you're in the shower but once you step out it's still a freaking sauna in your house.

Sounds like someone needs air conditioning.

Today I ate crap. 2 eggos for breakfast. Leftover mexican food for lunch...combined with mash potatoes and gravy and fried chicken from KFC. Not really combined, but uhhh...as a side dish? I really didn't have enough leftovers from either meal to make a total meal - so it was a mish mash hodgepodge of sorts. Then, when the wife got home we were trying to think of what to do for dinner seeing as how our grocery shopping over the weekend had once again failed us and we really only had enough food for about 4 meals, half of which I ate during the week for my lunch.

I suggested "Burger or Asian food". I really wanted asian food. Anything. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Mongolian. But it's a rare day when she's up for it. I should've taken her up on the Mongolian request last weekend. Bad choice on my part. She of course chose burger. So throw a burgermaster burger and fries dipped in tartar sauce on to my "crap I ate today" list.

Previous life me would've never thought twice. Would have never kept this food journal in his head. Would have never felt a twinge of guilt. In fact, previous me would've laughed and said, "Have a few beers to wash it down! Then let's go get 4th meal."

In fact, my stomach is growling right now. Guess I shouldn't have stayed up.

So

Embarassingly, I did step aerobics through On Demand. Yes. Comcast offers excercise TV On Demand. And previously I had only used it for the ab workouts - which are killer because my GD core is so GD weak.

I wanted to go play basketball at the local court but I didn't want to leave the house (swine flu). I really wanted to hit the punching bag and jump rope. But that would mean I would have to move the car out - and hitting the bag like I do makes some serious noise. Even without my "I will destroy your face" music blaring in the garage. Then since I didn't do the boxing thing I wanted to go for a run...but the sun had already set and I hate running in the dark. Always excuses.

So there I was, marching in place to the TV, learning a whole series of movements to get my "heartrate up and melting away that fat!". Never understanding how trainers can yell out directions on what to do next through a set of smiling pearly whites.

Seriously - I had to stop. About 20 minutes in to the 30 minute program, I imagined someone watching me do this and immediately felt ridiculous. I had also barely worked up a sweat since the moves weren't that challenging either. I guess "cardio fat burn" meant, "If you're really fat here is some (quote unquote) 'cardio' that you can do which is so much better for you than eating those pork rinds in bed" but they just didn't have enough room to put that in the description of the program. I guess.

I know I am doing the right thing by my body. Watching what I eat and feeling guilty about not working out. But there is a certain line that I might have crossed over tonight...I feel like the guy who wears a speedo out to the beach for the first time.

Not really, but maybe someday I'll know that feeling. We all have dreams right.

Until then, just say no to step aerobics.

4 years ago

4 years ago - not to the day, I started writing on a computer.

I started writing in notepad - because it was something to pass the time while I was at work. There is only so much you can talk to your coworkers and sure, there's plenty of web surfing I could do, but that's looked down upon. Not considered, "Business use." And because of that, I started writing.

What came of all that writing was this blog.

It was a way for me to ramble on about my life, a way to pass the time, and many times served as a way to calm myself down. Get out all my thoughts before bed, or clear my head during a stressful time.

Now, soon to be without that job, I'm not sure if I'll be writing anymore. Can I really keep this blog when my day to day activities M-F aren't the same? My routine will be changing a lot (I'm assuming) in the coming months.

I wanted to turn this in to an unemployment blog. The things I'm thinking. How I felt cheated after I actually put effort in to my position.

How I feel helpless now, but a majority of the time I forget about what's happening and just continue living like I have over the past 4 years. Always knowing that when I wake up tomorrow morning on Monday that I've got a job to do, that will continue to pay the bills. It's not that I forget, it's just that I can't continue thinking about it. It's pointless.

I wanted to write about how all of the resumes I've sent in, all the applications I've filled out - how I honestly feel like they'll all end up in the trash somewhere. Virtual trash. And knowing that is very disheartening. That I'm not valuable enough to be head hunted (or not laid off at least) and that there are plenty of other people out there just as hungry for those jobs as I am if not more.

I don't want to go through signing up for new benefits. I don't want to have to change my schedule. I don't want to commute. I don't want to lose my 6 weeks of vacation. I don't want to learn all about my new coworkers wives and husbands and their hobbies. I don't want to have to wear a tie. Or a suit.

But I'll suck it up and do what needs to be done. Because adults take care of their responsibilities.

And I have been an adult for some time.

But the past few weeks have been tough.

I don't know if this happens to you or not, but sometimes while I'm reading a book I might be thinking about something else. My eyes move over the words on the page, but they don't mean anything to me. They're just a sequence of words. And I have to read that paragraph, or that entire page over again to really focus and understand what I just read.

That's what the past 2 weeks have felt like at work. Just going through the motions. Working only because of the slight chance I might continue working for the same company. Working only because they'll continue to pay me. Working only to keep my severance at the end of July.

Eyes glazed over. Nothing processing. Completely turned off upstairs.

Back to the void tomorrow morning.

Redefining Freedom

When I think of the word freedom, I think of the freedom of speech. The ability to move about freely and do whatever I would like to (typically within the law) without facing any hassle.

I never looked at having a job as freedom.

I thought I was giving up my freedom in return for money. In turn giving me the ability to enjoy much more freedom once I could be financially free, or to enhance the time that I had to use my freedom when I wasn't working.

On Friday afternoon, a day after my 27th birthday, I found out that the company I had given my first few years out of college to was getting rid of me. As I sit right now my final day with the company is July 31st. After that I have a few more months of severance pay and whatever else I have left saved over from the vacation I haven't used. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. I kept wondering if the announcement I had just been a part of had really happened.

And in an instant my definition of freedom was permanently altered.

For some reason I figured I was safe. The acquisition had cleared and those that were set to be laid off had already received their notices.

Also, I thought the company would need somebody in my position. I thought I was working in a necessary role. I thought.

But, it was a "business decision". I knew our office was closing, I just figured I could continue working virtually, or if I had to, I could relocate to a new building.

Instead they decided to chop us all off with an axe.

I had it all planned out too. There were people in my department that had worked the same job for years - many more than I had put in. Never wanting to move, or possibly wanting to and not having the ability. But really, how tough was my job? How bad was it that I could continue to receive raises and project my financial life out over the next 3, 5 or 10 years from now?

I had drawn a parabolic line. One that gradually rose over time never stopping to think it could all come to an abrupt end.

Sure, in my mind I had run the risk of disasters. Flood. Fire. Health problems. Debilitating car accident. Life is completely random and I don't plan for these types of things, but as an adult I understand they happen and I can try my best to deal with them when they occur.

But do you see something missing on that list? What about unemployment? I never thought twice about it because I've never not had a job. From the moment I needed money, I worked. And it was just something I did.

So maybe that's the reason why this hasn't hit me like a wheel barrow full of bricks yet. Because I know that I'll be able to find something - hopefully soon - that I can live with as my next job. That the imaginary line I have in my head doesn't have to have a big break in the middle of 2009. Every few hours though I'll get to thinking about it too much and it's like the knife continues to turn and stab away at my insides.

I've told friends and family not to start worrying until 2010. A full 7 months from now. Which by then, if I haven't found a new job, will be time to panic.

The wife is extremely optimistic, which is interesting to me. She spins a completely different perspective on the issue - that this will be an opportunity for me. And that it was time for me to stop slacking off. Not that she said that, but it's how I feel.

So this is how I am redefining my freedom. I am including security and stability. Having that steady income. That paycheck every two weeks. I see more freedom in a job now than I ever did. Because when I have my finances taken care of - when I am comfortable with that imaginary line again - when I can plan my vacation dates 9 months from now and not worry whether or not I'll have a job at that time - that's the next time I'll feel free again.

Perfection

I think my posts are getting shorter because of twitter.

Suddenly, I don't feel the requirement to write for at least 30 minutes.

In fact, I feel like twitter is counting my number of characters down...slowly coming down to a negative number and not allowing me to update because I've gone over the max number of updates.

This afternoon, the sun came out to greet all of us.

It felt like a Friday.

I got off early from work. It is so beautiful to not have to put in 8 hours of work. Only 4. To go to lunch but realize you don't have to go back.

How do you beat that?

Maybe calling in sick the next day. Maybe.

But I was worried about the clouds. The rain. There was 30% chance of rain today, but I never felt a drop.

Completely the opposite. The skies opened up. And we looked for parking.

China town. Under the viaduct. Sodo. Back to China town.

Sure it was frustrating. But at the same time we were driving around with the sun roof open an enjoying the sites. Or at least I was.

Then, the beer. Multiple beers. Beer, sun, and just cold enough to not sweat.

Then, finally, surrounded by great friends you watch opening day. The 10th inning. We come through with a walk off error.

Buzzing. Happy. Sitting in the sun.

Nothing but smiles and jokes.

Perfect opening day.

Go Mariners!

Fuck It

Today was going alright.

Just fine.

Until I got home from a meeting with a Key Bank retirement specialist and realized that I was disappointed and partly angry.

So I popped open a couple beers.

And drank to let out a little bit. Lately, I can't be fucking angry without having a few drinks. I bottle it up while I'm sober, never let go, until I feel like I can let loose a little bit.

We're looking at a majority rollover for my dad.

My dad, who, over 40 years of working has put away less than $2500 per year. And yes, that even includes a match from his company that is giving away free money, matching dollar for dollar up to $15,000 a year.

Thank God for my mom. She's going to keep working to keep the family afloat. Because without her my dad would run out of money pretty quickly.

As I'm assuming many of the baby boomer generation will be doing here shortly. Sure, you can retire. I mean, yeah, you're over 60. Good for you, you've worked for 40 years or more. But what do you have to show for it? Can you live off of social security alone? I'm not so sure.

So I had a few drinks. Ate dinner. Held it in.

And now?

I feel like a masochist.

Every so often, I think about burning it all down. I'm not sure if anyone else has the same thoughts.

Leave the life. Forget about the mortgage and the rest of the bills. Withdraw the entire retirement fund and head to Vegas.

Drink exorbitant amounts. Make a mess of myself. Lose it all and get back to reality amidst a fog of shame. Even still, I might have felt like I had "cleaned the slate". Give myself a chance to "reset".

But I don't have the freedom to do that. I mean, I guess I do. But would I ever do it? Probably not.

What is the point though? Is the point to, nearing the "Golden Years" of your life, be sitting in front of a banker offering you a 3% return on your money for the rest of your life? Is that the point? After all those years - all that time spent busting your ass in your so-called "career" only to be basically given a number that you're supposed to "enjoy" for the rest of your life?

I had a hard time not taking it out on the wife and the dog tonight.

Venting on here has helped though.

But in the end?

Fuck it.

The Home Run Ball

The league average of home runs per at bat is roughly 4%.

Sounds about right.

In every life there is a chance at the home run ball.

But the only way to get there is to take a step up to the plate.

I've been fouling off a lot of balls lately. And sure, I'm solid with a single or a double here and there. But just as often I've been caught looking with men in scoring position - or have been seen hitting in to an easy 6-4-3 double play.

Where's my home run ball? I feel like I've been thrown some meaty pitches, but never had the guts to swing away. Or I was early and pulled it foul, maybe swung too low and hit a towering pop up.

But for some reason I continue get back in the box and dig my toes in. Thinking that maybe this time around I'll hit that walk off.

It's all I know how to do, even though sometimes I feel like just riding the pine while everyone else gets all the glory.

I want to be part of that 4%.

Rough Day

It's weird.

Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week. Mainly because I still had the UW business school mentality: Fridays off. 3 day weekends.

And I was able to pull that through the past few years. Every now and then I'll bump in to a bad one though. We all do.

So, [vent]

This morning I woke up 40 minutes before my alarm went off, even after not being able to sleep until about an hour after I usually go to sleep. I've been sleeping in the past few days so I guess one day without much sleep isn't that big of a deal. I hope I don't make it 2 in a row tonight.

Anyway, I wake up yawning. A lot. I hate that.

Sit down at the computer to call Countrywide. My home lender for the investment property. After 15 minutes of a hold time, I finally get through to Josh. Yes. That is his real name. I didn't get his lats name unfortunately, but he was a condescending dick.

I was just calling to check the rate on investment properties. All I wanted was the rate for a 30 year fixed. And kept throwing numbers at me. Left and right. Telling me that if I had an "interest and principal payment"...WTF? What kind of loan are you referring to? I'm only looking for a 30 year fixed. Then I get in to an argument with him about rates in regards to the fed buying up the t-notes. Awesome.

Anyway, the end result is that I find out that the rate is a bit higher than it was a month ago when I last checked them - which makes absolutely no sense to me seeing as how the fed is buying up the t-notes. I come to find out that instead of a $140 difference in my mortgage a month later I am being offered a $60 difference. A difference of $960 a year.

Dicked.

All while this conversation is going on, I am thinking of selling out of my UNG. Nat gas April options. I had done well, buying in at $15 and getting ready to sell if we broke over $18...again. See, it had broken over $18 last week, but unfortunately I couldn't sell any of it because I was on my way to the first round of the big dance. In a car. Without internet access.

Why was I thinking of selling? Because they were going to reporting inventory numbers today and I knew I shouldn't hold through it. I got effing greedy. And because of that, I paid. It hurts to lose more than a paycheck in a day. A lot.

Top that off with me shorting the market throughout the day and not working? Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

And work today was a bitch. I mean, really, it wasn't. But why, on my worst days, do I have to end the day with the most frustrating of situations? Why can't I get that before lunch so I can take lunch to cool off? It's murphy's law.

So I finally get off work. The plan was to drink a few beers and watch the game. The beers fell through. I had placed a few bets on the games and just like the rest of my day the first game was fucking me over.

The lid was on the hoop for Purdue. I had a 4 way parlay that would've paid me some of my monthly paycheck back that I had lost earlier in the morning...that missed by 3 points because of STUPID Purdue. Well UConn too. But they did their part by putting up 72. I only needed 63 from Purdue. But NOPE.

Luckily I made 4 other separate bets, of course, 3 of which hit so sportsbetting it was only a down $10 day. No biggie. Still, it should have been a much more successful day sportsbetting than it actually was.

Cringing from the ugly first game of UConn/Purdue I decided to go shoot some hoops. Control my own play.

Something must have happened throughout the day. The day had gotten to my head, in turn affecting my shot. Every shot was short. I considered myself lucky when shots would go in. I played against a guy with long fingernails and he scratched the hell out of my arm.

I left before everyone else from the gym with my tail between my legs. What a freaking embarassment.

[/vent]

I lost the battle today. But tomorrow is another day. And to make things even better tomorrow is Friday.

I still have my health and everyone that is most important to me does too. And that's what counts that most. Sometimes it just seems like the worlds out to get you and you need to type...furiously.

I feel much better now though. I think I may even crack a smile before I go to bed.

Too Serious

Don't have much time to write.

But that's OK. Because sometimes I don't like to fit my standard blogging style. Some reason I feel like I have to make some sort of point. Or maybe write enough to try and reach that point. So that I don't waste a post.

That's ridiculous.

And lately, I've been much too serious. I don't know what my deal is. Really I think I'm a happier - or more light hearted kid than this blog lets on.

So knowing that, I'd like to move on.

Tiger Woods is on sportscenter right now. For some reason I feel like I look like him. My mouth isn't as wide. Shockingly. My eyebrows aren't as curved, but I'm sure he gets them done. I guess my hair isn't even close to his. But I did buy a red nike golf polo for my golf on Sundays. Hats don't really wear well on me, so unfortunately I can't go for the full look. But I've got the black slacks and the black nike golf shoes. I think I've got Halloween lined up for next year now...

I had to change from the Travel Channel to ESPN just a few minutes ago. Why? Because I have a really hard time watching food in HD. What was on tonight was "Man vs. Food". The food channel kills me too. I ate more than enough for dinner tonight, and yet we've got "Man" (cause I can't remem...oh wait, it's Adam Richardson right? Awesome there goes a childhood memory...) traveling around North Carolina...and eating BBQ.

These people hate us. Anthony Bourdain. Rachel Ray. Paula Dean. Adam Richardson.

They travel around the world, eating excellent food and getting paid for it. You might be asking, shouldn't we hate them? No. Maybe. They thumb their noses at us and lay it all out there like boastful pigs in HD. That's how much they hate us.

Anyway, I got up and headed to the pantry to see what we had to solve the growling of my bowels (plural I guess? Hella smart) after watching pigs that were cut in half die a second grusomely tasty death over a bed of hot charcoal. Growl bowel. I saw cereal bars. Cereal. Canned fruit, beans, some sponges, sauces and chips. Uhhh, cereal bar it is I guess. And I can't help but sit here thinking about how stupid I look drooling over my BBQized TV and munching on a 90 calorie special K cereal bar. Douchetastic.

Do you ever talk shit to the TV? I do. I'm skeptical of everything. "Knowing" is the #1 movie in America. #1 at what? There is no disclaimer on what it is #1 on. Does anyone actually go see a movie because it's #1? This never has worked on me. Sure it might have bolstered my viewing opinion after I had seen the movie...I might think, "Hey, I helped to make that movie #1!" at what though, I'm not sure. This movie is #1 in America for Filipinos with the first name of "Seth" that live in Washington. See, they just leave everything after "for" off. I don't think anyone overthinks things like this. This is exactly why sometimes I have trouble sleeping. Thinking about whether or not I bought Scott's turf builder for my lawn because of the price at Costco or because of the commercial...

The guy on the Saturn commercial says, "Not a day goes by that someone doesn't ask me, 'What's going on with Saturn?' Well, let me tell you what's going on with Saturn, we're still here." Well shit guy. I hope you are. I don't know where you would go to. And honestly, I'm not sure if you'll be here for much longer. Sad. Seriously though? What the eff kind of marketing ploy is "We're still here." Is it like a "just in case you were wondering" sort of deal? Because I don't know many people who wonder that.

I really wish Obama would do stand up.

And his wife could play in the WNBA. Omg perfect.

On that note, it's time to sleep.

Basketball Players I Hate

I love to play basketball.

I love to play most sports in fact. But probably the one I'm most skilled in is basketball. And you hardly ever have to pay to play, so it's definitely a good sport for me.

However, in almost every game I play, there is always one.

Always some guy out there that I just cringe over. And yes, I definitely cringe over my game at times, but I try my best to avoid acting as one (or many) of the following list:

-A boy among men. You always have that friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or maybe just some guy that you picked up off the street to complete your 3 on 3 game. This friend has a little bit of skill - but - they're 5'5. Or shorter. They run around the court with a sad frown on their face knowing that they're never going to get the ball and if they do they're jacking it up from "munchkin land" aka 3 feet past the NBA line and air balling it feebly because their arm strength is proportional to their height. Meaning he couldn't bench the bar with a spotter. You feel bad for the guy, but since he's a man of similar age you feel no remorse when you block the shit out of him as he kisses your nutsack. You post him up mercilessly and run down the court with an evil grin on your face as you can hear his teammates complaining under their breath.

-(D)allas Maverick. No defense. I hate people who don't play defense. Put your hands up! Move your feet! Don't foul, don't reach, crash the boards. Basketball has 2 main aspects. Play both. I want to scream when a guy gives up on a play because he knows the other team's got a 3 on 2 fast break. Guess what? Maybe if you got your ass back on defense the numbers would be more even. The Maverick is prone to cherry picking because they typically don't like to pass half court to play the other side of the ball. Somehow magically they're always open halfway down the court after you worked your ass off to grab a board.

-Payton. Just can't handle the smack talk. Supposedly he was one of the best, but as soon as those jaws start yapping I just want to punch them shut. Enough said.

-And 1. The showboat. The behind my back, bounce it off the backboard, catch it then pass it through your legs player. The guy who comes out with the headband and arm sleeve, decked out in Jordan attire and latest Nike shoes and will dribble the ball between his leg about 30 times before actually passing (or god forbid shooting). Basketball is a team sport. And ESPN is not taping this game so you can see your highlights possibly make tonight's "Top 10". Sometimes it's just sad seeing all that talent go to waste.

-Kobe. This one probably isn't very fair. Because I love Kobe. He's probably one of my favorite players right now. But he definitely has his nights (don't we all?). You don't get to scoring an average of 30 points a game without jacking it up. Years ago I'd look at the boxscore of some of the lakers game and the news title would say, "Kobe drops 42 in losing effort to the Spurs." And then you do a little bit of digging in to the game and realize he went 14 for 40. Forty shots. And sure, his teammates know. You keep feeding the scorer. But still, there isn't something more productive the team couldn't do with those other 26 possessions where he probably jacked it up through a double team? The Kobe type player definitely has skill, but at times they just need to know when to stop. Give it up. Go for assists and rebounds and help your team that way. If the shot just isn't coming that night or day work on being that role player the other 4 guys on the floor play every night for you.

-Jordan. Ah. This is probably the one I most associate myself with. No, I'm not saying by any means I've got Jordan's skills. But I've definitely got his desire...to win. Nothing else matters but winning. And when things get in the way of my goal I start to push. I push myself. I push my teammates. And with Jordan (at least from the stories I've heard from previous teammates) he was unrelenting. He'd berate his teammates on the court. In the locker room. Call them up and let them know they weren't pulling their weight. And when he was asked about how harsh he was being on his teammates he responded with something like, "They're grown men. They can handle it." Damn right. There is a reason Jordan transcended the game. It's because he won. He created winning teams. And if that meant he wasn't best friends with everybody, so be it. There's a reason for the 80/20 rule. And Jordan defines part of it.

-Mike Jensen. Good ole Mike. Played center for the Huskies while I was in college. All the height in the world but loved to the shoot the 3. Just like the boy among men this guy is the exact opposite. He stands a half foot or even a foot higher than anyone he's around. Why? Because he's out in "munchkin land" jacking up those threes. Last I checked, if you can raise your hand and grab the net it'd probably be in your best interest to be closer to it. Know your role. God didn't give you that height for you to be lining up the tres.

-The Vag. This guy falls to the ground when he gets fouled. Immediately grabs his ankle, screams and looks like he's going to start crying. He gets really angry when you slap him and wants to quit playing after a scratch. This player will constantly call "time out" because they get the wind knocked out of them or their tampon fell out. No one likes the vag but secretly they like to let him play because they hope to hurt him (accidentally of course - and not too bad) because nothing makes them happier than saying, "Seriously man? C'mon" as the vag is writhing on the ground in pain.

-The Coach. The coach has been around. He's got more of a basketball mind than an actual game. Sure, his ideas might be good - but it's just like a dictatorship. His ideas only work in very small groups - meaning only for him. You can't draw up imaginary X's and Y's on your palm and expect everyone to know what the hell you were talking about as we're walking out on the court. You can't say "man press" or "box and 1" in the middle of a play and think everyone will magically create your formation within seconds. What I hate most about the coach is that when he gets the ball he expects everyone to move for him. He'll hold the ball up high and point to other players on his team. Screaming at them to to screen away, or screen for him, or cut to the hoop. The coach will pull you aside in the middle of a pick up game and tell you where to go and when and where to shoot the ball. Embarrassing.

-The Idiot. The exact opposite of the coach. This guy is like a chicken running around with his head cut off. He is out setting double screens, and then rolling the wrong way off the pick. He's boxing out nobody under the hoop as the rebound bounces away from him (not that he ever knew he was boxing out to begin with). He is completely lost in a zone and constantly loses his man in man defense. The idiot is throwing up the half court prayer when there's still 28 seconds on the clock and you're only down by one. These are some of the hardest types of ball players to deal with, because the effort is there - but they just don't get it. Maybe they didn't play team basketball as a kid. Maybe watching basketball on TV with all their "terms" completely flies over their head. But somehow, because of this player it's like you're playing 4 on 5. And you just don't have the heart to teach them hoping they'll just "get it" one afternoon.

-The Ref. In general, I dislike refs in basketball. I've always thought from all the pick up games I've played in (read - without refs), games get called pretty evenly. There is always give and take in basketball, but unfortunately sometimes there's the one guy who likes to take a lot more than everyone else. Calling travels. Carries in street ball. Arguing every out of bounds. Calling fouls for other players on his team while he personally does not have the ball himself. Counting fouls on opposing players and informing them they "would've fouled out already had this been a real game". Taking charges and then calling them in favor of himself 100% of the time. I cannot stand refs. Out of the entire list I've already written they are the worst.

Writing this list was a bit therapeutic for me because I know I at times I can play a part of each of these. Hopefully if any of this sounds familiar we can all take steps to make a better game - because there is nothing more satisfying than a competitive basketball game...as long as I win.

Paradigm Shift

The revolution is currently being and will continue to be televised.

Every morning I wake up to the same news. I read it on the internet all throughout the day. In the afternoon I catch something on Oprah about it. And before I go to sleep the evening news makes sure to take one more shot at it.

The feedback loop, media fighting for ratings, and even small guys like me. We're all contributing to it. The continuing death spiral. Which won't stop until we get that death rattle.

Home sales continue to slump. Inventories continue to grow. Prices decline to their lowest levels in 20 years. Unemployment reaches their highest level in 20 years. Companies which were once large and proud have now lost 95% of their revenue levels in comparison with the same time last year, or in certain situations are losing the billions of dollars that the US taxpayers are fronting them.

Change is already happening.

There are a few things that really scare me though.

First and most importantly right now - that the US GDP is made up 70% of the US consumer. Since November and the market "crash" (I use quotations because all major indices are now lower than our lowest point intraday in November 2008) the US savings rate has gone from a negative rate - which it has been since the early 90s to quickly popping to a positive rate of 5%.

Hopefully you can do the math, but since this is my blog, I'll spell it out for everyone reading. If people aren't spending anymore, and the majority of our GDP relies on those same people spending...lower and lower we'll go.

What an awesome conundrum.

Secondly with the government doing everything in their power to help "stimulate" this economy (quotations used for sarcasm - thanks for my $20 tax break every month) they're dumping money on us left and right. Well not necessarily us - but on companies who decide to go and lose it. Because they were "too big to fail".

With all the dollars flying with more and more blank checks being written this is going to cause hyperinflation. And I thought the silver lining to this whole recession was going to be that gas would remain around $2 for the foreseeable future.

Not for long. OPEC is pissed. They've gone from a $100 profit margin just last summer to a little over $10. Wouldn't you be angry too? So they're cutting production. Hopefully you're doing the math on these too. But this equation has more than 1 answer:

Inflation of our dollar plus ridiculous amounts of spending by the government plus commodity prices skyrocketing = some form of taxation somewhere along the line to pay off what will be an astronomical deficit and people who can't even afford food with whatever they have left after the government takes more than half of it.

So here is where the paradigm shift is happening. People are realizing how wasteful they were even just last year. They're battening down the hatches. But what do you get when you have a sailboat without a sail? Lots of bobbing in the ocean, really going nowhere.

So we'll go from one extreme to the another. I don't know if it will be as ostentatious as I describe, but I like to dream.

We'll go from the stated income sub slime 1 income households somehow affording the half a million dollar home to the family that rents a 1 bedroom apartment close to work so they can walk there (assuming they still have a job).

Suddenly going off the grid won't be just for the truly outrageous green heads.

Sustainability - self sustainability will replace the house in the hamptons with the bentley and rolls royce out front. Can you imagine people on Cribs showing off their solar panels, the wind turbines in their backyard, the desalination machines (hopefully small enough to be provided to each community) and the irrigation they set up for their own organic farms?

I would love it. Sure, we don't all have the ability to do this now. But certain economic factors in the near future may force our hand to adopt some of these things or better yet to adapt.

But here's the thing - if you farm your own land, and provide your own power and heat, keep quality items of clothing that are durable - what do you need money, or "credit" for again? Remind me again why we had to keep this US economy churning at almost 90%+ employment levels for decades?

The shift will be in the definition of success. For so long the American dream has included a bit of excess with it. Doesn't the word "American" connote a bit of pigging out?

It's definitely time for a change.

I think it will be beautiful. People will begin to focus less on material items and more on the people that they are - the relationships that they have with others. Because what else will be left when we rid ourselves of all the distractions - all the "shiny things"?

As I wrote in a previous blog post:

Consume less. Live more.

"We are not quitters."

I just finished watching the President's Address to Congress and I couldn't help but cheer along with a lot of others out there.

At the least, I can say he's trying. Of course, all of us would be up in arms if we thought he wasn't. Or at least I would be.

Personally, I am worried about all the stimulus. Tax payers bailing out everyone that sticks out a hand for some. I wrote about this in previous posts.

But now Obama is saying that the deficit will be cut in half in 10 years. A lot can change in 10 years. I'll almost be 40.

And thinking about that, I want to look back over those last 10 years and say, "Wow, I'm amazed we came out of that mess. I am thankful for the steps that were taken to avoid catastrophe."

I definitely don't want to be saying anything else.

I'd like to make a few points in regards to the speech. Points he made that really hit home.

First off - and typically most importantly to me is the bottom line.

Recovery.gov I think is an interesting step. I am skeptical of it - I think the government can give us 80% of what they're really spending - I mean for security precautions alone we don't want to air out our financials to the rest of the world just because for transparency sake.

I don't like the fact that 95% of US tax payers will be receiving a tax cut in a month. Will I take it? Yes. But give responsible Americans like myself who love this country (more on that later) the choice. The option. Do I want a tax credit of a little over $1,300 this year? Again, I will take it. But if we had the option to? I honestly believe there are Americans out there who believe if their money is put to good use, they don't mind giving up these tax breaks. Even if we get a small minority of Americans out there who can check the box that says, "Keep my money US government. It's better for our country." I can almost guarantee that 20% of the 95% of US tax payers that will be getting that cut are willing to do it. It might take a movement...but it could happen. I have even suggested to friends that I'd be willing to not receive tax returns for the next few years if it meant keeping this country afloat.

The tax break is money I never had - nor expected. A tax break isn't really going to do me any good. The stimulus we received last year was promptly deposited in to savings. As long as I keep my job and continue down my same financial path, I will be just fine (or even better than fine). I understand that there are those out there who are doing worse than me, and instead of giving me a tax break, I'd rather let them have my money. Seriously.

I believe the 3 things Obama touched on during his speech are extremely important - Energy, Healthcare and Education. I couldn't agree more with focusing on these 3 items. I love the idea of renewable energy and not relying upon other countries for it. We'll need a strong focus on healthcare as the largest generation ever to live in this country is quickly approaching retirement. And the school systems in this country are a joke. Without a focus on educating those who will be contributing to an American society in the future there will be no future for this country.

2 parts that hit home from the speech on education:

"And dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's not just quitting on yourself; it's quitting on your country."

"I speak to you not just as a president, but as a father when I say that responsibility for our children's education must begin at home. That is not a Democratic issue or a Republican issue. That's an American issue."

Amazing. When I look back at my formative educational years I see my parents. Getting me excited for reading. For math. Congratulating me for performing well in school. It is not just on the schools to teach the children. And to think of all those kids dropping out of high school. No longer seeing the point. Becoming dependent upon a government that subsidizes their lives instead of contributing. It's sad that it's come to this.

Obama once again harped on hope. He talked about the crossroads at which we stand. On this I have to be skeptical too. Again, I would prefer to be sitting here 10, 20 or even 40 years from now saying we did it right. But after reading excerpts from The Fourth Turning (for cliff notes you can read this) I realize that this might be bigger than all of us. The pattern appears everywhere you look in nature. Each living thing must have a period of growth, then stagnation, then decline and finally death. As I have been saying to those that are close to me - I don't want my lifetime to be during the "decline" or even "death" phase of the United States. Sure it sounds a little bit dramatic (and I hope it ends up being only that), but if things don't start turning up in the next few years we could be headed down a very scary death spiral.

But I want to believe.

I realized tonight what I was going to do once I had enough money to be comfortable. I realized I would spend a good amount of time/effort and money in service. Because before I just wanted enough money to not have to work anymore. But I never knew why I wanted that money. I'm starting to understand now why so many of the "successful" people in this country have gifted their time and money to charity. It's not just to feel good about themselves - but it's to leave this world a better place by being here.

To end this post, I'm going to quote the speech once again because it was probably one of the strongest oratorical closes I have ever seen or heard:

"I think about Ty'Sheoma Bethea, the young girl from that school I visited in Dillon, South Carolina, a place where the ceilings leak, the paint peels off the walls, and they have to stop teaching six times a day because the train barrels by their classroom.

She had been told that her school is hopeless. But the other day after class, she went to the public library and typed up a letter to the people sitting in this chamber. She even asked her principal for the money to buy a stamp.

The letter asks us for help and says, "We are just students trying to become lawyers, doctors, congressmen like yourself, and one day president, so we can make a change to not just the state of South Carolina, but also the world. We are not quitters."

That's what she said: "We are not quitters." These words...

These words and these stories tell us something about the spirit of the people who sent us here. They tell us that, even in the most trying times, amid the most difficult circumstances, there is a generosity, a resilience, a decency, and a determination that perseveres, a willingness to take responsibility for our future and for posterity.

Their resolve must be our inspiration. Their concerns must be our cause. And we must show them and all our people that we are equal to the task before us.

I know...

I know that we haven't agreed on every issue thus far.

There are surely times in the future where we will part ways. But I also know that every American who is sitting here tonight loves this country and wants it to succeed.

I know that.

That must be the starting point for every debate we have in the coming months and where we return after those debates are done. That is the foundation on which the American people expect us to build common ground.

And if we do, if we come together and lift this nation from the depths of this crisis, if we put our people back to work and restart the engine of our prosperity, if we confront without fear the challenges of our time and summon that enduring spirit of an America that does not quit, then some day, years from now, our children can tell their children that this was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, "something worthy to be remembered."

Seth's Tips On Saving

I just spent the last 30 minutes reading through posts I have made on this blog that include the word "saving" to make sure I haven't written this before.

I haven't. But I had to read a lot of stuff. Man I write too much sometimes. Ah well. Some of the stuff I read I was actually impressed by (meaning I can't believe I could have written something like that). In all honesty I feel like my writing has gone way down hill since early 2008 from what some of the posts I just read.

I should have written this post 6 months ago. Maybe a year ago. Maybe then if someone could change their mentality on their finances (just from reading my blog! Yeah right!) they would have had a head start on what has finally been defined as a "recession".

I save a lot. I always have. I really don't know why. It's almost become a sort of Catholic guilt sort of thing. For example - do not submit to temptation and by doing so you find salvation? I use a question mark there because I'm not sure. But for me, saving is definitely a challenge. And every time I complete that challenge it makes me feel a little bit better about things. About how I'm doing.

How much am I saving you might ask? Over 20% of what I earn. To be exact, 23%. I figure by saving so much I should easily be able to reach my retirement goals.

But this isn't about retirement. It's about saving.

So if you're having trouble saving maybe some of my tips can help.

-The most important question I ever ask of myself when buying anything or paying for anything is this: Do I really need this? Or do I want this?

This question alone has probably saved me thousands of dollars since I began earning my own money. Because it's typically not the big ticket items that I spend money on. It's the every day expenses. For example, today I had an appointment outside of work during the lunch hour. Sure, I was starving. Yes, I was surrounded by strip mall food goodness. Yes, McDonald's value menu is probably the least expensive meal I could eat right now outside of the house. But there was food waiting for me at home. Free food. Leftovers.

And as I was driving by those golden arches, I looked over and felt good about my decision. Not only did I not needlessly spend $3 on food that wasn't healthy for me, I also avoided wasting leftover food that was waiting for me in the fridge. Because everyone knows if something sits in the fridge for long enough, it isn't long before it ends up in the trash (or in the deep back corner buried under something until you clean out your fridge. Gross).

This question solves any material desire for me almost immediately. Do I need a new car? Absolutely not. Do I need new shoes? Probably not for another 6 months at the earliest. Do I need a new pair of jeans?

Yes.

I did.

So here was how I came about that answer:

The last pair of jeans I purchased was in 2004. I bought them for a little over $30. Over the past 5 years I've probably worn them at least twice a week (this takes in to account not wearing them over the summer months). Over 5 years that's roughly about 500 times I wore them. $30 divided by 500 times the jeans were worn equals six cents per use. Do you think about your clothes this way? Because you should. I hate hearing women reference their expensive name brand clothes as an "investment". Would your Jimmy Choos that you bought for $400 get worn even 100 times before you got tired of them?

And I understand that people definitely want to use their money to buy things they want too. So do I. But before I do I always wait at least a week. And I'm talking about more expensive items ($50 or more for me). Not the cookie every now and then (although those can add up too). The reason I wait a week is because I want to see if my feelings are still the same about whatever I'm wanting to purchase a week from when I first wanted it. In fact, I think the longest I ever waited to purchase something was 3 months. It took me that long to decide the money was worth it. Not only will your decision be solid if you give yourself time - you'll more than likely avoid a lot of buyer's remorse that comes with impulse buys. Also, I've found that by giving yourself time I tend to fall out of want for a specific product. It's just not as desireable after some time - but if it is for you then by all means go for it.

Also, by taking time before you purchase you'll give yourself the ability to shop around. See what other retailers are offering it for. Check ebay or craigslist to see if you can find it used (if you don't mind that). Check Amazon. See if you can find a discount code or a coupon for what you want. And when you know you've found the best price go back to your original retailer that was selling the item and barter. Haggle. Tell them to price match your best price and beat the other guys by 10%. Stores are hurting right now and a lot of them are willing to make deals to move inventory.

I can't count how many times - and this is hard for a lot of people - I've complained about a service or product and been given a break. My last oil change took a 25% cut in cost because the guy running the cashier asked me how their service was and I said, "Great, but a little expensive". Didn't like the movie you just walked out of or the dinner you just ate? Free movie passes or a dessert on the house should be on their way as long as you speak to someone in a position to make that happen for you. You work hard for your money, it shouldn't be wasted on things you don't - or didn't enjoy.

Another tip I have is to make saving automatic. I know that other financial gurus have recommended this, but I have something to add to it: Struggle with your saving being automatic. Automatic saving should not be easy. It should be like having to pay one of your major bills every month. Like the rent or the mortgage or possibly even the credit card bill. First of all - take advantage of your company's 401K. If your company matches any sort of percentage of your income you are throwing away free money by not contributing. Second, set up your automatic transfers and make the transfers in to something you can't just easily take out of. A roth IRA is a good place to put your money. CDs. Online savings accounts that don't have ATM withdrawal availability. Think about how much spending money you have every month (hopefully you have some) and take a huge chunk of it and set it up on automatic withdrawal. The first few months it may be hard getting used to, but if you have the proper discipline your spending habits will adjust so it isn't that much of a struggle.

If there's no struggle at all though, then you aren't saving enough. If it's too hard then cut back a little bit on the savings. But don't succumb to stopping the savings completely or withdrawing from the savings accounts. Check your savings account quarterly (or even less) to avoid the temptation. Hopefully you're like me and the larger your accounts get the less you want to take any money from them.

Cut Costs. Working at a couple banks during my college years really helped to develop my understanding of personal finances. Why? Because I would deal with people every day who didn't know what they were doing with their money. And because of their idiocy they were charged fee after fee after fee until they contacted me to let me know how great they thought our company was. What nice people. But you know what? 99% of the time it wasn't the banks fault. It was theirs.

I used to talk to people who would complain to me about the overdraft fees that kept hitting their account. And every time I would see at least one of these charges on either their credit card or bank account:

-Starbucks/McDonalds/Tully's charges for $3+ every morning.
-Higher than average cell phone bill
-Higher than average cable provider bill
-Lunch receipts Monday through Friday
-Restaurant/Bar tabs every other night
-Large retail store charges every weekend/every couple of days
-Large car payment/insurance payment
-Charges at the hairdresser, salon or spa
-Charges for vacations - hotels, flights.

And I just used to sigh and just shake my head at these people. If you have ZERO dollars to your name, or even worse in many of their cases less than zero, why were you doing any of this? Something that used to make me so angry is that they would be calling me about a $30 fee that we charged them which they incurred after they were charged $120 from their cable provider.

I used to want to scream, "You don't have any money! Where do you get off getting the premium platinum package from Comcast?! Does having all of the movie channels/sports channels and other channels that you probably never watch - are those worth the extra $90 that you're paying?!"

But I never did. A fool and his money...

I pride myself on cutting costs. The wife cuts my hair every month (savings of $20/month). I don't drink coffee. ($60/month). I go out for lunch once a month. ($100/month). I work from home so I fill up on gas once a month and have very little insurance coverage. ($150/month). I go for free entertainment - basketball at the local gym or taking the dog to the dog park. I go to happy hour if I want to drink or eat to save on the full price of merriment. (At least $100/month). And sure, those charges may not seem like much, but over an entire year or even lifetime they definitely add up. Every dollar counts.

I could go on about where I cut costs in my life, but I think with what is happening in this economy, hopefully most people will start to get the idea.

It's never too late to start, and if you're already doing right by your accounts well then keep on pushing. I'll be right here continuuing to save if you need any motivation.

Hair Cuts, Streaks, An Ideal Sunday

Hair

About once every month I get my hair cut.

The wife does the hair cutting. I haven't paid for a haircut since high school. So almost 10 years now.

I just decided that I was only going in for a buzz anyway and so my sister took over. And from there, it was over. No more paying $15 a haircut, or $20 including tip. I used to hate the drive home from wherever I had had my hair cut. Somehow a few little hairs had gone down my shirt and itched like hell. Why was I tipping for this again?

So that's why I finally decided to get my own clippers. Sure it took some getting used to for those that cut my hair, but after a few goes at it they had perfected the science. Yes, every now and then my hair would be lopsided, but then again so was my head. I could always fix anything with my electric shaver.

Almost every time I get my hair cut I feel like I've shed a layer off of myself. I mean I have cut dead cells off of me, removed some weight - easier access to my scalp. One of the best feelings is drying off my freshly shaved head with a towel. And then slipping on that t-shirt and having the shirt rub against my head - almost like some ridiculous sandpaper.

Unfortunately when I shave my head I look terrible. I love to have my hair super short, but I need something to cover this ridiculous noggin - or as people have put in the past, watermelon on a toothpick. There's something about having my head shaved that makes me feel almost like a superhero.

Streaks

Over the past couple of weeks I've been on a pretty ridiculous streak. In sports betting I turned $35 in to $150 (only on multiple $5 bets). I hit a couple parlays - would've won a lot more money if it hadn't been for the freaking Steelers. Also, I was down to about $39 on my online poker account. This obviously doesn't seem like much (it isn't) but when I think about how I've been playing on $100 that I deposited last May it's provided me days worth of entertainment only for roughly $60. Over the past 2 weeks I have been unstoppable online playing poker also. I play in $2 tournaments so just like the sports betting it's a pretty amazing feat to really make any money on small bets. At the time that I write this my poker account balance has grown to almost even: $91.

I deposited money back in to my market trading account on January 3rd. Since then the market had the worst January it has ever had. And yet, since depositing the money I've made over $2,000 which equates to over 5% return. Now in comparison to the money that I've been gambling with that is some serious money.

I've been thinking a lot for the past couple of days about how I've been on this streak of winning financially. Every time I thought of it I didn't want to admit to myself that I was going through it - reason being the fear of it turning on a dime. Because this is how my life is. I streak to the winning side, and just the same streak to the losing side.

Right now, things are going very well. I want to stop it all just to insure that it doesn't turn on me. But who am I kidding? I am an action junkie.

Realistic Ideal Sunday

About halfway through the day today I thought about how this was a pretty awesome Sunday. I was sitting here on the laptop, dog sleeping soundly next to me. I was checking out lines and setting my parlay bets for the mornings NBA games. I had 2 poker tournaments lined up and felt confident.

Back to back games - San Antonio Spurs at the Boston Celtics and then the LA Lakers at the Cleveland Cavaliers. Flipping back and forth between those games and the college games that were going on. Notre Dame and UCLA. Purdue and Illinois. And the afternoon game of UW at Stanford.

Sports in HD, plus a comfy couch, a warm sleeping dog. Sportsbetting, poker. No rain outside. Warm enough that I didn't freeze when I took the dog on her daily stroll. Plenty of leftovers in the fridge for lunch.

We went to costco to pick up some things - groceries for the weekend, cleaning supplies. Then had dinner with the family to celebrate the sister's birthday. I think it's always best to end the weekend with laughs.

The only thing that could've made the day better was a little bit of physical activity. I wanted to play basketball but it wasn't available today.

So when I think about my day it may seem a bit lazy to everyone else, but for me it was perfect.

Somewhere Out There

I never write a post like this.

So I figure I should.

As I was sitting there at McMenamins this evening I was thinking about the time I was in McMenamins in Portland, staring across the restaurant at 4 guys that looked like they were in their late 50s/early 60s and having the time of their lives.

Laughing and reminiscing about times long gone. Smiles on their faces as the pitchers were being passed around.

And I couldn't help but think...

Somewhere out there there is someone:

-Who is secretly (or openly) depressed about the NFL season coming to an end. The only thing he has to look forward to in fall of this year when the sport he cares about most starts up again.

-That's thinking about you. Or praying for you.

-Who will go to sleep content after having a pretty solid birthday dinner.

-Who won't be able to sleep because they're worried about what tomorrow holds.

-Who will receive a call in the middle of the night to receive terrible, life changing news.

-Who is worried about their job and being employed.

-Who is tucking in their child who means the world to them. Grabbing their teddy bear and placing them next to their child and pushing the covers under their feet and torso to wrap them up like a nice burrito. Protected and warm.

-Who is starving. Trying their hardest not to eat anything else while they struggle with their diet.

-Who is having a hard time telling the truth to someone. Who is having a hard time facing the truth themselves.

-Who's writing a blog post as the same time as me.

-Who thinks that it's going to be another ridiculous night filled with paid programming.

-Who can't put the book down. Or who skips ahead to see how many pages they have left until they finish this chapter.

-That's wishing that tomorrow was Friday, or even the weekend instead of just Wednesday.

-Still regretting what they did this weekend.

-Who saw fireworks during their first kiss with the person they've had a crush on for months.

-Who can't decide whether or not they should take a shower tonight.

-That's grateful for surviving.

-That is sighing; wondering if their shift will ever end.

-That is wondering how they ever got themselves in this position.

-Who starts their vacation in the Bahamas tomorrow.

-Who should not have gone for dessert with dinner tonight.

-Who is missing somebody right now.

-Who is using existential questions to make themselves feel small.

-Who is over thinking things.

-Who is wondering if a chair will be sturdy enough to stand on to change a light bulb. Or if they should get a ladder just to be safe.

-Who can't find something and is searching frantically for it.

-Who has been looking forward to this night for months. And what ended up happening exceeded all expectations.

-Who was completely surprised by a proposal.

-Who wishes they weren't so cheap and would pay the money to keep the heat on.

-Who is checking their phone, waiting for an important phone call.

-That will spend the night under the bridge again.

-That is getting ready for another day on the job.

-Who is wondering how they're going to deal with this diagnosis.

-That laughed so hard that they lost their breath and actually had tears streaming out of their eyes.

-Who hopes they made the right decision.

So there's billions of us out there. And I'm sure I only touched on a minuscule amount of what people were dealing with today. Sometimes it's just crazy to me to think about all the lives out there that don't stop because I am not a part of them (or ever were or ever will be). But we all continue to live our lives because we don't necessarily know any better.

Somewhere out there - like Fievel from An American Tail.

Weekend Partially Ruined

I almost wrote, "Weekend Ruined".

And as I was about to write that I did a quick replay of the weekend and it was actually pretty good. I've had worse.

On Friday afternoon I thought I was cruising in to the weekend. A few hours left to go, the sun was shining, nothing planned and hours of free time ahead of me.

And as I was sitting there, my ear started to hurt. Ah darnit I thought to myself as I figured it was another one of my ear infections coming on. I tend to have ear infections about 2 or 3 times a year. They show up, they annoy me, they're gone in 3 days. During that time my ear is stuffed up, I don't hear very well out of it, and I feel a little bit imbalanced. I just shrugged my shoulders and figured I'd have to suck it up through another infection.

But this one was different. The pain kept getting worse. And worse. And bad enough to the point that I was cringing and suddenly my last hour of work was the most painful hour of work I have ever worked before. Why? Because I have never been in pain at work. If I'm in pain it's usually a dull pain or I've called in sick.

What the hell was happening to me? It felt like my ear just had to pop. I don't think many people go through what I do while flying, but the pressure change really does a number on my ears. During the descent the pressure begins to build in my ears. It gets so bad that the only way I can describe is this: Imagine first of all being under water. You can't hear very well under water. Everything is muted. Add on top of that having someone take a very long pin...or a needle and digging it down in to your ear. But not just pressing horizontally in to your ear. Going in to your ear, then making an upside down "L" shape and moving downwards to your throat. Spinning it around like they were trying to make you bleed faster than you already were.

That is why I hate to fly.

This is what was happening to me on Friday afternoon. And I figured - oh, this will go away. It's been almost 2 hours now. It should go away soon.

The wife came home and it wasn't gone yet. And the pain was getting worse. My ear was popping and clicking like crazy. And now after the pops it sounded like someone was pouring water out of my ear. Or maybe water in. Either way it sounded like someone had put a conch up to my left ear.

Finally work was over and I went to lay down in bed. Bad idea. The clicking and popping in my ear was non-stop. And it wasn't like there was any sort of rhythm to it. I screamed out because I was so angry at the pain which had gotten worse (even though I thought it wasn't possible) and the annoying sound in my head that I had no control over.

The wife suggested we go see someone. I agreed. She called around. Next opening for a general doctor was Saturday morning. My ear, nose and throat doctor's next opening was February 9th. Great.

At almost 5 pm the pain was now excruciating and we decided I had to see someone now. The wife drove me to the Urgent Care facility in Woodinville. You get seen about as quickly as you would in the ER (believe me I've been to both a few times - I guess not with serious enough problems) and I laid my head on the wife's shoulder for an hour and moaned. Along with the popping in my ears came a new annoyance. I could feel liquid seeping out of my ear. Awesome, a brand new experience for me.

I finally was seen by the one doctor working who gave me about as much help as WebMD did before I left for Urgent Care.

"Looks like you've got a ruptured eardrum." She prescribed amoxycillan to help avoid infection and recommended I take ibuprofen for the pain. We left the office at 6:30 annoyed, but luckily the pain had gone from about as high as an 8 on a 10 scale down to a manageable 5 then 4. Add in a couple advil with dinner and I was fine that night.

The rest of the weekend has just been a bit challenging. About every few minutes I have to dab at my ear because otherwise yellow liquid will drip down my cheek. I sleep on a t-shirt so I don't get discharge all over my pillow sheet. A few of the times I reached up with a kleenex I came down with what I would call "presents". That's about as much as I'll say about that.

My hearing on my left side has gone down to about 10%. Which has been interesting. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. I stare at the TV blankly and miss half of what's being said. I ask for clarification from the wife on what she says everytime when she talks to my "bad side". I freak myself out by covering my "good ear" and seeing how much I can hear. Almost nothing. Like the teacher calling on Charlie Brown...muted noise.

I can't let any water in without the tymphanic membrane to protect my middle and inner ear. So without ear plugs I shower to one side and try my best to get the other side of my body washed without getting my ear wet.

It still hurts a bit and the popping comes and goes. I've read that this can take a few days to a few months to fully heal. Great. I've also read that if it doesn't heal that I've got to go in for surgery to fix it and that I may never regain my hearing ability. Perfect.

Why do all the weird physical ailments have to happen to me? At the least I'll never be digging around in my ear with those Q-tips again.

First Rando Post 2009

It's been awhile since I've done one of these.

And I actually just turned off the TV so I could concentrate.

Weird.

I usually can have the TV on in the background while I write these. Because I just leave the TV on for the background noise, and am not a huge fan of just listening to myself type.

It's almost as if I'm going to have a hard time writing a rando notes post because all of my recent posts have had a subject, theme or some sort of point. And I don't know if I'm random enough (right now) to make this worth my time. Ah well, I'm not that great of a writer anyway, and even the best had their terrible moments.

-I'll denote my change of thinking pattern/subject by the "-".

-I was at the gym today lifting and I'm not a huge fan of the gym layout. This is because of their lack of space and also because of their inexpensive monthly fee. The wife and I are now part of a gym membership where we pay $21 a month for both of us. And last month we were paying a whopping $37. So given how cheap the memberships are and throwing in the current economic climate along with soon-to-fail new year's resolutions, you have a bit of crowding in a gym that's already too small. So when you're on the machines you have someone that is about 4 feet in front of you, facing you, sweating, breathing hard and trying not to look at you too. I am constantly trying my best not to look at anybody. For about 30 minutes to an hour at least twice a week since I've been home I go to a place where I try to keep fit but stare at the floor. The more I write about this the more terrible going to the gym sounds. I better stop.

-Since I was a kid I was always embarrassed by how big my feet were. Everyone in my family (and friends) would make fun of my feet. Until the age of 14 my feet grew with my age (we started recognizing this when I was about 9 years old). To this day people still think I have big feet (I'm really not sure why, I'm kind of tall) but maybe it's easier to point out someones big feet than the big mole they have on their nose. Or the rolls in their neck. Who knows. So, since I was younger anytime I'd have my feet out I'd curl my toes in to basically what would make fists of my feet. At first it hurt to curl all of my toes under. But after doing it for so many years I just automatically do it now when I'm sitting down and my feet are exposed. It's comfortable for me. I also (somehow) think it keeps my toes warm too. I've never noticed anyone else curling their toes under when they sit down.

-For some reason I want a pair of light brown corduroys. And anytime I find a pair that I wear, it's not what I'm looking for. Is this what it's like to be a woman in regards to clothes? You can never find exactly what you want so you just end up settling for stuff that your return a month and a half later but end up fighting over the price of the return because suddenly the item you bought is now going for 30% less than it was when you bought it and instead of giving you the full refund the only way you could get the full refund is if you were given store credit but *ack* you don't even want to spend the time in the store now to go and find something to use your store credit with and struggle with whether or not it's worth it just to take the discounted price and have it credited to your card. Can't someone just think of what a guy who wants to wear a pair of corduroys wants to wear? No, I don't want tapered bottoms. No, I don't want FREAKING PLEATS. Omg I can't believe someone would wear corduroys with pleats on them. Not that I'm a fashion king or anything but if you ever caught me in corduroys in pleats please consider it a joke and not something I'm wearing seriously. And I want small cords. Not the big ones. Thanks.

-Losing weight is about math. I don't know if I posted this before or not. But it would seem to me that losing weight is easy enough if you stick to your math. Eat less calories, burn more calories = losing weight. That is what I am doing right now over the past few weeks. I am enjoying the working out as my last basketball game I had I was able to run full speed the entire game and at the end of it I was ready for another one. The eating part is tough though, going to sleep hungry is challenging for me. Hearing my stomach whine throughout the day is annoying. I want to punch it. So far, so good though. No noticeable change in body definition though (or so I think).

-Somewhere along the line over the past few years I learned how to tilt my head from side to side and crack my neck. And somehow, this feels good. Like cracking anything else, joints, knuckles, my back, all feels like some sort of tension has been released. But then I've read/heard about the guys who have tried really hard to crack their neck that one fateful time and have ended up killing themselves. Last night my neck would not crack at all. And I was laying there in bed thinking, if I could just twist my head a little bit harder and how freaky it would be to die right now, right before going to bed just because I was trying to crack my neck. It would be like my death would have been so pointless. If I'm going to die this early I at least want there to be some point to it.

-Teaching my dad to text has been one of the best things ever. I don't keep in contact with the parents as well as other people keep in contact with theirs. But that's just because we live near each other and try to see each other at least once a week. That is more than other people out there. But now I can text my dad random things instead of having to get a call from my parents once a week asking how things are and basically checking in on me. I just find it so odd that now I would rather text someone than hear their voice. Maybe it's the "hello" and "goodbye" that I like not having to use? Or maybe the listening? With a text I can just tell someone something and be done with it. I definitely will still call in a situation that's more emergent though. Wow, I'm impressed that "emergent" is a word.

-Two quotes I wanted to include on here: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." And, "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you've got." I just wanted to include those in here because they ring very true right now. If I can look at things in a different perspective maybe things are actually great. Perception is reality.

-When I was 13 I thought 18 was old. When I was 17 I thought 22 was geriatric. When I was 23 I thought that 28 was ancient. I am at a point now where I am realizing that people who are younger than me are thinking the same of me. Soon I'll be to a point where people look at me and say, "He is old". I honestly don't know how old people do it. I look at people that are just bags of bodies now, hairstyles from decades past or those with health issues walking around with their oxygen tanks. It scares the crap out of me knowing that might be me some day. If there's one thing I don't ever want to be it is old. But I know I'm old to some people. Over the past couple of weekends I've been breaking in to the Alma Mater to play basketball with "kids" that would consider me "ancient". 18 through 22 year old college kids who think they're hot shit and who may possibly know that they're bodies are at or near their prime. And I am keeping up if not doing well. I didn't recognize it until tonight but for me to be able to run with someone that is almost 10 years younger than me (sad to admit) is pretty amazing. They should be outrunning, outworking, outhustling me at every bounce of the ball. But they're not. So maybe I'm not as old as I actually thought I was as my younger self. Maybe when I start to slow down and admit to myself I can't keep up is when I'll hit that age wall. Not any time soon though hopefully.

-Obama is like Steve Sarkisian, the new coach of the UW football team. UW football as previously mentioned had the worst record ever in Pac-10 history last season. Therefore if "The Sark" even gets 2 wins this season (I'm guessing 4 myself) he'll be seen as a savior. Dear BO - you couldn't have had an easier act to follow. You probably won't live up to all the hype you came in with, but returning the country to a bit of normalcy (barf, hate that word) will be credited to you over the next 4 years.

Holler.

The LM Buyout

I was worried.

But things have turned out almost better than planned.

I thought - Oh no, here comes the big company that's going to come in slash and burn and work us to the bone. Am I going to lose my job? Are we all going to?

But here I sit, almost 15 days in to the buyout and I feel like I've got job security. And on top of that, it seems like things are better under Liberty Mutual than they were previously.

The sad thing was, literally a week before the buyout I was looking at our stock and saying, "You know, it's getting awfully cheap - like down to levels it hadn't seen for years". I almost pulled the trigger on picking up just 100 shares...and come to find out by the end of the week the announcement had been made. So here I sit, working for a company that is now a division of another company.

Pros

-I switch from a vacation system where I had basically 4 weeks of vacation and 2 weeks of sick time to one with "Flexible Time Off". This means that instead of distinguishing between "sick" and "vacation" I pull it from all one bank. Under the Safeco plan I got up to 19 days of vacation and 10 days of sick time. Under LM I've got 29 days of whenever time. Remind me to check how many days I can roll over to next year because I think I'm going to only need at most 19 of those...

-Tuition reimbursement has more than doubled. I believe the Safeco rate was at $2500 - which definitely would've been alright...if I was planning on going to undergrad for a quarter. LM's upped the ante to $6000. Still not full tuition reimbursement but I'll take whatever I can get.

-Merit based pay structure. My manager just informed me last week that LM is built more on a structure of pay for performance. This is different because although no one would ever admit it, Safeco was a good old company which paid for years of service and seniority, although those that may have been with the company for 10, 15 or even 25 years longer than I have might have been just an unproductive dinosaur waiting for that golden handshake. I'm interested to see my next few yearly reviews to say the least.

-Investments! Yes. Insurance and investments. I feel like this is my calling. I want to handle OPM (Other People's Money). I want to be responsible for making them (and in turn myself) money. Safeco had a Life Insurance and Investment side which it sold years ago to a company called Symmetra. Now I'm back in a company that has those opportunities, albeit in Boston. Regardless I went from a company without a visible ladder for me to climb to one where I could possibly enjoy the ascent.

-Private company. This means we don't answer to the street. We make our own decisions and don't base them off of what our shareholders and board wants of us. Being now in the top 5 insurance companies basically puts us in a position where it would be hard to even buy us out.

Cons

-I can't really think of any. The only one I could possibly complain about is that with my FTO we move to a system where we accrue the time. So by the end of the year I'll have my 29 days off. They gave us 5 to start and I've already accrued another day at this point so I've got enough time just in case I come down with some nasty virus.

-They aren't headquartered locally. This means if I were to become anything starting with a "C"...CEO, CFO, COO, CIO I'd probably have to become a Red Sox fan. Ugh.

-We're still in the very early stages of the "transition". Ask me my opinion next year and I'll let you know if anything's changed.

Summary

Things are looking up. While everyone else is cutting back I seem to be fine company wise. Here's hoping it stays that way.

Sooner Or Later

It all comes crashing down...

Comes crashing down...

I think it's finally got to me. Somewhere along the way the negative self-body image crept in and I don't think it's leaving the train station any time soon.

I remember at one point during college that I just wanted to let go, to see what would happen.

I had lost a bet to a friend and had to grow my hair out the entire summer. Longer than it has ever been and probably will ever be. I felt so gross that I wanted to just spiral out of control. I didn't shower for more than a week. I ate as terribly as I could, drinking beer with meals and enough food for 2 meals in 1 consisting of grease infested fried cheese. Not really, but I think I get the point across.

All throughout college I was a pretty steady 190 to 200 lbs. Everyone pretty much has their routine down, so most of us fluctuate in a given range. My body felt comfortable at that weight (and continues to). I don't have to work to stay at that weight, and it actually takes work to put on more or lose any.

I believe the highest I ever got during my "give up" phase was around 220. I had packed them on, but the only place I had noticed was in the "definition" (if I could call it that) I had lost.

It took 3 months of getting back to an active lifestyle and eating normally to get rid of it all. I did it living my normal life though, doing the things I wanted to and eating what I wanted to.

Which, to this day is still the case.

So what happened? This is the question I sit here asking myself while eating a 90 calorie Choclately Drizzle Special K bar and washing it down with tap water. I don't know what happened. I've watched all the celeb shows, heard everyone complain about weight gain, read along with the articles in the wife's Shape magazines - all over the past few years. It never affected me in the slightest. And all of a sudden now I start to feel bad about how my body looks? Out of nowhere?

What the eff is wrong with me? This is the reason why I wanted to write this post. To question my feeling sorry for myself. To question the negativity. Never before in my life have I said *seriously* "I'm so effing fat", "I feel like a fatass", "I'm out of shape", "I need to work out", "I need to lose 15 pounds". Never. Except for this past holiday season.

I have been in good shape all of my life, and my mentality on my body image was something I prided myself on. While others hated on themselves (while they looked good, if not great) I sat there and laughed as they failed at diets, failed at workout routines, and overall just felt bad about themselves for no reason whatsoever. And I've always thought it was because of their own negative self-images.

Well, I've now for some reason joined the ranks. Sooner or later that wall I had put up around my body image was going to come crashing down.

I weighed myself tonight. A whopping 203 pounds. I would normally be fine with this. "Seth, you just had a little too much this holiday season. No biggie." But not this year. I never had to fight this feeling before - this feeling of wanting to cut calories. The feeling of wanting to work out an hour or more a day. The craving of soreness in my body after running lines all night at the gym.

You know why? Because I always plateued. As much as I was driven to be the sleek muscular guy, I always got to a point where without really putting in some serious effort - and adding in the proper diet - it never would've really made any difference.

So that is my answer for myself right there. Unfortunately it doesn't change my current view of what I see in the mirror today.

So, I'm going to give in to the anger and sadness that follows when it comes to things like these - for now. It might do me some good to shed some Christmas and New Years weight. I always dread going to the gym in January because of all the people that'll drop off their new year's resolution by Valentine's day.

But there I'll be, with the rest of the suckers, fooled by some version of themselves that just isn't reality. Maybe I'll see you there?